One More Time, One More Chance.

Prologue:

How Can I Move on From You?

"It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after it's been hurt."

-Anonymous

Sometimes, it felt like I was talking to myself. Is there anyone out there? The words would pass through my lips and I would be met only with silence. The silence was debilitating. It was always debilitating. When you needed someone to be there, and you're met with nothing, everything shattered around you. The world would feel hollow.

I had never felt so alone.

I thought I wouldn't be here forever. In my naivety, I thought I would break free. I wouldn't have tried so hard if I thought the future was impossible. I would have given up when things weren't so painful … when I didn't have so much stock in this. So much stock in him …

God, I can't do this. There's nothing. Nothing … nothing … nothing. What am I bleeding like this for? Why am I wasting away for this? It's nonsensical … and yet, I don't want anything else. I can't imagine anything else. But this … But him … These feelings will swallow me whole. Jasper …

My fist slammed against my steering wheel before I threw my body back against the driver's seat. I wished all of these emotions would just fucking melt away. I wished I didn't have to fucking feel this way anymore. It didn't matter how much I wanted him. The two of us were doomed from the start. From the moment we met, I had known he had a girlfriend. I had known what I had wanted with him was just a shallow dream. I had known the love I had for him would never be returned. And yet, here I was, waiting outside his house.

I'll tell him tonight. He deserves to know. He deserves to know why I won't be around anymore. Why we can't exist together.

I wondered if he would be gutted, too. He may not have had romantic feelings toward me, but we were still friends. Good friends. So good it fucking hurt to look at him some times. When I saw his eyes light up and his usual serious, calculating expression melt away, I felt territorial. I wanted to guard that expression from everyone else so it would be mine and mine alone. Yet, strangely enough, I wanted to share that expression with the world. I wanted everyone to see just how beautiful the quiet kid in our class could be.

We would graduate this year, go to separate colleges, and live separate lives. Maybe soon, this pain would be over. I could move on and find someone capable loving me the way I so desperately wanted him to love me. I don't want that day to come. I don't want to graduate … I don't want to leave him.

Tears filled my eyes before I could stop them. I hated crying. When I cried, I felt out of control; I felt like an intruder in my own body. I was strong. Wasn't I? Wasn't I strong? Hadn't I made it through so much shit already?

Every day, I put on a brave face. Every day, I became someone else. I felt disingenuous. I hated lying to him. He didn't deserve it. However, I couldn't muster up the courage to tell him why I was being an asshole to him—why I had become so distant. If I were brave, I would march up to his doorstep and tell him right now. But I wasn't fucking brave, was I? I buried my face in my hands as a sob escaped my lips.

Tears trailed down my flushed cheeks. One met my lips and I darted my tongue out, feeling comfort from the familiar salty taste. Crying felt cathartic. I had been bottling up my emotions for so long, hoping that, by doing so, they would fade away. I hoped one day the love filling my chest would become a dull pain—something I could tolerate. Now, I didn't think I would ever be able to tolerate it. Sometimes, when you met someone, you just knew. You saw them, and you knew that was it for you—they were it for you. I had imagined an entire future for us. I knew it was stupid but I hadn't been able to help the way my mind wandered. One glimpse of his smile, and the rest had been history.

When I had felt insecure, he had been there; when I had felt embarrassed, he had made himself the center of attention, taking every eye off of me. He had been captivating. I wondered if he knew that. While he had never voiced it, he knew my struggles. He understood my homelife and why I was so behind in school. The semester was almost wrapping up and I was barely making it through. If it weren't for Jasper, I would have flunked out. He deserves better than me. Not just as a lover … he deserves a better friend, too. He deserves an equal and an illiterate freak with a temper problem isn't his equal. It's not even fucking close.

We were worlds apart. No, even further than that. Galaxies apart—light years away. Suddenly, I wondered if he had just been taking pity on me. Maybe he had seen the dumb kid in his class and thought he should help out. That made more sense than him wanting to be my friend for another reason.

My face rose from my hands and I stared out of my window, looking at his overwhelming large house. At least, it was overwhelming to me. I shared a two-bedroom apartment with my dad on the worst side of town. This … this house was fucking magnificent, making me feel even more inferior. It's all in your mind. Jasper doesn't think about that type of shit!

Headlights coming in my direction tore my gaze away from his home. Quickly, I turned the keys in my ignition. I didn't want anyone seeing me like this—so broken. The car coming toward me rolled into a park, stopping parallel from Jasper's place near the yard. As the headlights turned off, I recognized the car instantly. Alice … Quickly, I wiped away my tears and turned my headlights on. Just as I was about to book it out of the neighborhood, Alice exited the car, noticed my vehicle, and waved at me.

"Fuck," I murmured as she moved toward my driver's side window.

I liked Alice. She was smart, outgoing, and good-natured. Jasper liked her a lot, too. Fuck, I can't do this. I can't talk to her right now. Not like this. She knocked on my window before I could bail. Already feeling like an asshole, I knew I couldn't avoid her. She had been nothing but nice to me in the past. I wiped off my face again before rolling down my window.

"Hey, Alice," I started, already feeling awkward.

"Hey to you. Are you coming inside or were you planning on sitting out in your car all night?" she teased in her usual gregarious nature.

"I drove over here and felt sick all the sudden," I lied poorly.

"Want me to run inside and get you some ibuprofen?"

"Naw, I'm all right," I said with a dismissive wave of my hand, wanting to get the hell out of here. "I'm just going to get going. Have a good night, all right?"

"All right …" she trailed off, seeming as confused as I felt.

She stepped away from the car and gave me a small smile, waving her hand as I backed out and maneuvered around her. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck in a room with Jasper and Alice. They would be happy and I would just be fucking existing. Dammit! If I could only say how I fucking felt. If I could say something, maybe some of this pain could go away. Maybe …

No, who the fuck was I kidding. I doubted I would ever be able to say anything to him. I couldn't face him. I couldn't risk being turned down, which was inevitable. So, I'll continue pretending … it's all I can do, isn't it? Pretend … pretend and hope for the best … What do I hope for, anyway? Do I hope that one day he'll fall in love with me? Do I hope that one day, he'll notice what's right in front of him? No. I can't hope that. Hopes like that will get me into trouble. He won't love me. We'll separate. That's all there is.

That's all there is.

Isn't it?

A/N: Sorry if you're disappointed that I'm writing this instead of finishing my other stories. I just really wanted to get this story out since it's been on my mind. Idk, whenever I feel like giving up on writing fanfiction (or writing in general), I get a new idea. Hope you enjoy this story! If not, that's okay, too.