Title: Voldemort's New Career
Author: OCDdegrassi
Pairing: Gen
Rating: T
Warning: Crack, Mentions of Torture/Murder
Note: Written for the"Operation Crunchy Banana Soup." Prompt: Lord Voldemort gives up trying to kill Harry and decides to bake cupcakes instead. The rating is just to be safe since this has references to torture and murder.
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Voldemort was tired – emotionally, mentally, and physically. He had been trying to defeat Harry Potter for almost 15 years now, and his latest loss at the ministry had really bummed him out. He was beginning to realize that this was a fruitless endeavor.
After some serious contemplation, he came to a decision: he was going to focus his energy into doing something more productive and rewarding. He was going to bake cupcakes! He opened his own Bakery called "Crucio Cupcakes" (using the Malfoy's money, naturally), and business was booming.
Initially, he had to use the Imperius Curse and threats of torture and murder in order to attract business, but after people realized that he was relatively harmless as a shop owner, they began going to the store with their own free will.
Of course, the term "harmless" did not apply if anyone insulted his baking. Then they were dead. Bellatrix, his official Frosting Decorator, was more than happy to take care of those rude customers.
He was currently whipping up a batch of vanilla cupcakes, humming "Die You Filthy Mudblood" under his breath happily. His mood had not been dampened by his earlier argument with Bella. He didn't know how many times he had to remind her that the frosting could not be black. For some reason, the customers didn't like that. People were so strange now-a-days.
No, the frosting had to be yellow: bright and happy – just like he was now. He had even taken to wearing yellow shirts (though they clashed horribly with his red eyes). He leaned down to smell the newest batch of cupcakes when he realized that he couldn't smell since he didn't have a nose.
He shrugged, unconcerned. The door to the bakery opened, and the bell chimed to signal a customer, and he turned around to see one of his regulars walking in.
"Hello Percy," he hissed cheerfully.
"Hello L.V." Percy greeted, nodding politely. L.V. was Voldemort's new nick-name amongst his younger customers. It made him feel very "hip", as the kids were calling it now.
"Do you have any more of those red velvet cupcakes?" Percy asked, and Voldemort nodded.
"For you? Always," he replied, pulling out the cupcake from its hiding place. They had sold out quickly, but he made sure to save one for his favorite customer. The frosting had been decorated with a snake biting off a lion's head, but Percy seemed unperturbed by that.
"Thank you," Percy said gratefully, and Voldemort grinned maniacally. Another happy customer. He was rather proud of himself. It seemed like he finally found his calling!
A moment later, none other than Harry Potter walked in. He nodded to Voldemort, and without a word, Voldemort handed him his usual order – a chocolate cupcake with chocolate chips. Voldemort was still holding a bit of a grudge though, so Harry never got any icing on his cupcake.
It served him right for defeating Voldemort so many times. Bella had suggested putting poison in his cupcake, but Voldemort had quickly shot that idea down. It would be bad for business, after all, and he quite liked this job; it was way more fun than trying to rule the world.
xxx
A/N: Reviews are always appreciated.