Goodbye, My Almost Lover
Summary: I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.
Disclaimer: I own nothing! The title of the story is from Fine Frenzies Almost Lover and the title of the chapter is from The Funeral by Band of Horses.
Chapter One: Every Occasion I'll Be Ready for the Funeral
"Death is peaceful... easy. Life is harder."
— Bella Swan
Bella stood in the cemetery silently staring down at the grave.
He was gone.
She swallowed hard as she moved her arms tighter around herself.
The weather was flawless. The sun was shining, the sky was cloud free, the perfect day…just like he would have wanted.
"It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."
"I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."
He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."
Billy continued to speak as she turned her head slightly and saw Sam holding Emily in his arms as she cried. She knew that she should probably be crying right now but she couldn't shed a tear.
None of it felt real.
None of it.
Wasn't it just last week that they were sitting on the beach staring at the waves?
Wasn't it just a few days ago that he was there waiting for her at the edge of the drive way?
The funeral wasn't long, or to Bella it didn't feel long. Then again, her concept of time has never been that good… 5 days…not a very long amount of time, but to Bella it felt like an eternity.
He'd been a part of her life for so long… and now he was gone.
A year and half?
"We used to make mud pies when we were little."
Most of her childhood?
Almost all of her life; years isn't that long a life, compared to how long the Cullens had been around, but it was enough time to change her life forever.
Forever…
Such an overly used word but what does it even mean?
For all future time; for always, a very long time, for always, evermore, for ever and ever, for good, for all time, until the end of time, until hell freezes over, eternally, forevermore, perpetually, in perpetuity;
That's all she ever wanted…A forever with Edward.
Now that word was ruined.
She wished she could be angry, no; she was past angry…she was furious with Jacob Black.
How dare he die?
How dare he leave her all alone?
"But you're not alone. You have Edward, don't you? Isn't that enough?" he said, not looking up from the car magazine he was reading.
Bella shivered, though there was no wind.
"It was supposed to be," she whispered.
Here she was, at 18, burying her best friend a few weeks before her wedding. People started walking by her, some giving her sympathetic glances, others glaring, others ignoring her. No one spoke to her. Not even the Pack. Everyone was headed to Sam and Emily's for the wake.
She was alone…
It was odd that they would have it after the funeral. Wasn't the point of a wake to ensure that the "dead" person was really, you know, dead? One last chance for the dead person to "wake" up.
Why didn't he wake up?
Why'd he have to die?
"Aww Bells, don't be sad. It's not like it's goodbye forever…wait, I guess it is since you'll probably never die for real,"
She could see him standing there next to the grave; the laughter in his deep-set black eyes, the flash of his white teeth against his dark skin, his face stretching into the wide smile that had always warmed a secret part of her heart.
Now, it made her sick. She shouldn't be able to picture him smiling like that when he was dead.
She looked around and realized she was one of the last ones there. She should probably head to the wake…but she wasn't sure that she'd be welcome and she didn't want to go home yet. Jacob was all over her home.
He was in the living room.
"I thought you couldn't protect me here?"
"Well, I guess I don't care."
He was in the kitchen about to kiss her.
"We don't have to do this to each other."
"Yes, we do."
He was in her bedroom.
"Well, maybe we should just get out of here for a while. Just leave, just you and me."
"You'd do that?"
"I would do it for you."
"It's not something I can just run away from, Bella. But I would…run away…with you, if I could."
She couldn't even leave her house without seeing him in the driveway.
"Hi, I'm Jacob…We used to make mud pies when we were little."
"I remember."
Was this the life she'd tried to force on Jacob? Living in a world where she was gone and still seeing her everywhere? If that was the case, then she deserved this.
But she wouldn't have been gone. She'd still be alive…Well, she'd be undead but same difference…and she was sure that she could have eventually convinced Jacob that they could still be friends.
"You won't be Bella anymore…My friend won't exist. There'll be no one to forgive."
Because being a vampire wasn't the same as being dead. She'd still be able to walk and go to school.
She'd still talk to…
After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead.
Jacob was just the first of many.
A crack started to spread through the armor she'd placed around herself.
She should call Edward before he started to worry. A hand on her arm startled her out of her thoughts and she turned her head to look at Charlie.
"Are you alright, Bella?"
Bella looked at Charlie, mentally counting how many years he had left. Maybe a good forty more years if she managed to make him eat right and take better care of himself…but was that enough time.
She wouldn't even get to see him anymore.
Just like she'd never see Jacob again.
"I need more time." She blurted out.
Charlie opened his mouth to say something but changed his mind.
"Take as much time as you need, Bella. I'll be at the house with Billy," he said.
Bella nodded and Charlie watched as she made her way over to the freshly covered grave.
He remembered the zombie like state she'd been after the Cullen kid left and he worried that she might be returning to that soon. He was prepared for the worst.
Jacob's death was a tragedy.
It had come so unexpectedly and just blindsided everyone.
Charlie had still been holding out hope that Bella would come to her senses and call off this foolish marriage. He'd been rooting for Jacob since the beginning.
He'd seen something in Jacob's eyes when the kid had looked at his daughter, something he hadn't seen in the Cullen's kids. He'd seen a pure love for Bella.
Jacob brought Bella to life. He put a sparkle in her eye…but right now that spark was gone….Dead and buried…and it might never be coming back… and that scared him.
Jacob was like the son that he never had…he watched the kid grow from a boy into a man …the sadness that he feeling was painful, but for Bella…Jacob was her best friend …he was her sun…and, though she hadn't realized it yet, he was her soulmate.
"Sometimes you got to learn to love what's good for you."
He watched from a distance as Bella eyes teared up and wondered what she must be thinking.
Bella looked at the grave and her chest tightened. She'd felt pain in her life, sorrow so deep that she thought she'd never rise again, but it was nothing compared to this.
She felt like she couldn't breathe, it was as if someone was squeezing her heart in a vice grip. Her breathing quickened as she felt water gather in her eyes.
"It would have been effortless for us — comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken…If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic…"
What was the point of there being magic in the world if it couldn't save him?
"Why Jake? You promised me…you promised you'd always be there."
"It's just that, I know how you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me."
…..
"Until your heart stops beating, Bella. I'll be here,"
"My heart's still beating Jacob! Where are you? Why? Why didn't you fight harder? Why did you leave me?" Her voice grew louder and Charlie flinched as he watched his little girl breaking right before his eyes.
She screamed at the grave; expressing the most emotion he'd seen from her since they said he was dead.
"He not dead! He's not! He's not! You're wrong! You have to be! He can't be gone!" she cried, trying to run out the door.
"Bella, he's gone," Edward said, gravely.
"No," she whispered, falling to her knees.
"Bella, you knew this would happen one day. You should have been prepared for this," Edward said, placing his hand on her shoulder and Charlie was shocked by the coldness in his voice.
"No!" Bella yelled pushing his hand off her and started tearing up her room.
"Get out!" she yelled, throwing things at him.
Edward tried to talk to her and calm her down but the sound of his voice just made her scream, louder and louder, until finally she started crying.
"You're hurting yourself, Bella!" Charlie yelled, and she went slack in his arms.
"He not dead," she whispered. "He promised."
"Bella, I'm sorry. I know how much he meant to you-"Edward started taking a step towards her and she tensed.
"How much he means to me," she hissed.
"Bella, he's g-" he tried again and Bella sobbed loudly.
"Edward, just leave," Charlie said, and Edward looked like he was about to protest but then he glanced at Bella, who was pale and shaking, before nodding.
"I'll be back tomorrow," he said and when he left the room Bella fell into his arms sobbing.
Charlie managed to get her into bed and she stared at the ceiling.
Charlie helped her get her socks off and he and Carlisle are talking, worried voices a sort of background noise as Bella thinks and mumbles to herself. She should have never left his house, should have convinced him to hang out a while longer, should have told him she loved him one more time; now it's too late.
It's too late to tell him she loves him.
It's too late to change her mind.
It's too late to choose life over death…because her reason to want to live is gone.
She barely manages to lean over the side of the bed before she's throwing up. Immediately somebody is there, a hand supporting her so she won't fall off and another on the back of her neck, and a little later someone helps Bella wipe her mouth with a warm washcloth, and gives her something to drink to clear the taste out of her mouth.
"Are you okay, Bella?" Carlisle asks and Bella laughs and doesn't care that it hurts her throat.
"Your son just told me my best friend is dead," she said darkly. "I don't think I'll ever be 'okay' again."
He starts talking to her but Bella refuses to listen.
Unless the next words to come out of his mouth are "We made a mistake he was just sleeping," then she never wants to hear another word from anyone again.
"Damn it Jacob Black! Damn you for leaving me here alone! I hate you! Do you hear me? I HATE YOU!"
She broke down then, and the tears came as her body collapsed to the ground and she clawed at the dirt. Charlie's heart broke as she sobbed between her words.
"What am I going to do without you? How am I going to wake up every day knowing you aren't here? That while you were busy worrying about my heartbeats you let your own stop….I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"
Charlie walked slowly in Bella's direction as she continued to shed tears. Her voice lowered to a whisper, and if he wasn't standing right next to her, he would have missed the words all together.
"I'd give up everything to have you back Jacob…The Wedding…Eternity…My Life…My Death….Everything…it means nothing without you. I should have chosen you. We could have lived in Forks for the rest of our lives and I would have been happy as long as I had you. I can't…I don't remember how to do this without you…I need you…I…I love you so much…"
The cemetery got darker and Charlie glanced up. Clouds were covering the sun and he felt a few drops of water hit his suit jacket. Tears filled Charlie's eyes as he squatted down next to Bella and placed a hand on her shoulder. She didn't acknowledge him at first, but his voice broke through her words.
"Bells…Bella, we need to go, it's starting to rain."
She looked away from the ground and at Charlie as if she was seeing him for the first time.
"Dad?"
He tried to smile, but it didn't reach his eyes.
"Hey, come on, kiddo. Everyone's at Sam's house, we should get going."
She nodded, still crying silent tears that leaked down her cheeks, took his hand, and let him pull her up. He held her hand in his and led her away. The further they got from Jacob's grave the tighter she gripped his hand until it hurt so much that he almost let go.
When they were about ten feet away she stopped and Charlie frowned. He looked at her, she shook her head, and the rain started coming down harder.
"I can't…I can't leave him here."
"Bella…"
"No…you don't understand Dad…I can't leave him…Not Again….I feel…"
She put her hand to her chest and grabbed at it as the tears started again.
"I feel like I can't breathe…like the air…it's being sucked out of me…I can't do this…please…"
He pulled her against his chest as she shook her head. He rubbed her back as he spoke in a quiet voice.
"Shhh, it's going to be okay kiddo …you'll get through this…you'll see …"
The rain showered them, soaking through her dress and Charlie's suit, making her hair stick unpleasantly to her face but Bella didn't move. The only thing that mattered was that her best friend…her almost lover…one of the most important people in her life was dead… and she felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and buried along with him. Even with Charlie's arms around her she felt alone in the world…she had nothing left…Jacob was gone and he was never coming back…
And she'd have to life with that knowledge for the rest of her life…however long that might be….
Author's note: This is my first Twilight story so please be gentle.
Also, make sure to review. Tell me what you think.