Disclaimer: I do not own anything or make money from it. Even Monopoly money. I swear.
A/N: Another challenge. Inspired by Swing Life Away by Rise Against. I did not even know about the song until I got the challenge. I. Am. Maverick. You will find next to nothing from the song in here.
The darkness of night brought a strangling silence that was only lessened when the morning light streaked through the dirty window. She lay next to him, staring at the ceiling, waiting for noise, for light, for anything. Occasionally she would turn her head in his direction, finding only stoic lines on his face. She longed for the days when he used to smile. Memories of those times were few and far between, and were starting to get as dim as their affection for each other.
She spun the tiny gold ring around her finger. No diamond for her. That was an extravagance on the budget of a fugitive. Besides, it was a marriage of convenience anyway. It was easier to hide as a married couple under assumed names. No romance, no love. Just survival. They were living as partners again. Next to rather than with each other.
"Mulder," she began, barely above a whisper. He didn't move, but his eyes flicked in her direction. "Can we talk?"
"It's late."
"Never mind."
She turned back to the ceiling, closing her eyes and trying to rid her mind of anything even remotely related to the past.
Shoelaces.
Belgium.
Spinach.
William hated spinach. Any other vegetable he would slurp down with a grin, no matter how strained it was. But when it came to spinach, he turned up his nose and let out loud squawks until the food jar was out of sight.
She wanted to shake her head and rid herself of the image of her son, but she knew the movement would disturb Mulder. Instead she took a quiet, deep breath and thought about the ocean. Blue and chilly and reaching as far as she could see in every direction. She could swim down as deep as she wanted, for miles and miles, and let the world just drift away. The thoughts relaxed her, and comforted her in a way the man lying next to her and not even attempted in the past year.
"Do you love me anymore?"
She couldn't help the words tumbling out of her mouth. They had come to mind every time she looked at him, and it was only a matter of time before they spilled forth.
His answer was silence.
She had been expecting that, but was still hurt when it came. But with his lack of interest came a sense of peace. Now she knew what she had to do. What she could do. What she would.
"I'm leaving in the morning. I thought it would be best to tell you now rather than leave and make you think that someone finally found us."
"Okay."
The simple word brought tears to her eyes and she wanted to scream in frustration.
"You're not going to fight it?"
"No."
The silence returned and her body tensed as his rolled slightly towards her.
"You really want to go?"
"I don't have a choice."
"Why not?"
"You don't want me here."
"I never said that."
"You never said anything different. I don't expect you to."
She slid the ring off of her finger and handed it to him, her eyes still trained on the ceiling.
"You can probably get a little money out of that."
"Scully."
"I'll leave first thing and I won't take much, so you don't have to worry about-"
"Scully!"
"What?"
"Don't go."
"I have to. There is no reason for me to stay."
"Why not?"
"We don't love each other. I followed you all over the country for years under the assumption that you loved me and needed me, but that's not true anymore. I wish it was. I wish we could be in love like we were once, but the thing is, I can't put myself through this. I want to feel again."
His took her chin in his hand, turning her face towards his.
"I love you."
"Don't lie. We never loved each other, we just didn't know anything else. We were kidding ourselves. I don't want to do that anymore."
"Speak for yourself, Scully. I have loved you more deeply than I have ever loved anyone. I still love you."
"Then why haven't you talked to me for a week? Why didn't you say it five minutes ago when I asked? Why do we lay in bed like we don't even know each other? Why do you look at me like you hate me?"
"Dana-"
"I know it's because of William. I know you hate me for giving him up, but I had no choice. If I did he would be right here with us, right now. But he's not. And you can choose not to forgive me if you want, but don't pretend that you have."
"Did you ever think that maybe you're the one who hasn't forgiven yourself?"
"That's not even the issue here."
"That's the whole issue. You've been so closed off ever since New Mexico that I finally just gave up. You started this rift. It wasn't me. For the first time, it wasn't me. I'm still in this and I still love you and want to be close to you. But I also love you enough to let you go if that's what you really want. I'm going to sleep. Be here in the morning or don't be here, but I've said all I can say."
He turned over, away from her and she heard him sigh. Tears fell down her cheeks, but she didn't wipe them away.
He was right. Maybe it wasn't entirely her fault, but she certainly was the instigator of the whole thing.
Her breathing was shallow and her skin felt tingly, like she was going to pass out. This was one of the hardest decisions of her life. She hated to make it. She hated to be put in an impossible place again. For what seemed like the 10th time in the last 10 years. It was killing her from the inside out, and she didn't know if she could hang on.
She had already lost William. Was she strong enough to lose Mulder?
"Can we leave together?" she whispered finally.
"I can't decide for you."
"Let's just leave here. Pick a new place and start over again. Start from scratch, with nothing but us. Please?"
"If that is what you truly want, and you're not deciding this out of fear, then yes."
He rolled over to face her once again.
"I am not going to lose you, Scully. Not unless you want to be lost. And then I will do it, gladly."
"I don't want to be lost."
He nodded, his eyes still sad in the moonlight. She stared at him for a long time, trying to read his expression. It was foreign to her.
"Do you love me?" he asked as her hand found his.
"I always have."
He held her ring up and they looked at it together.
"I always wanted to marry you," he clarified. "I just didn't think you wanted to marry me."
"I would have said yes if you would have asked. I would have said yes years ago."
"And now?"
She nodded slightly and he slid the ring back over her slender finger.
"Now that I know it won't influence your decision, I want you to tell you that I can't do this without you. I won't."
She squeezed his hand, letting the tears fall again.
"Me neither."
He smiled and kissed her softly.
"We'll figure this out. I promise. Tomorrow we'll start over."
She nodded and wrapped her arm around his waist. It had always been this way for them. A huge schism vanquished by nothing more than a few words. It was true that there were things they needed to talk about, but that didn't mean that the reconciliation couldn't start now.