A/N: This is the first time that I have done this, and am very nervous. Please be kind when you read this, and do not give unhelpful reviews or flames.
This is man / man SLASH, so do not read if this offends you.
Rated T for language and high levels of slashy suggestiveness. Nothing is too specific though.
Disclaimer: I do not own criminal minds, or any of the characters.
Some might say
The cool crispness of the morning air felt both alien and soothing against the bare skin, even though he was mostly covered up. It was slightly cold for the time of year, although October was never a time of year when it would be thought of as blisteringly hot. Traffic crawled along the road at a snails pace, drivers honking and gesturing at each other in an almost animalistic manner. Thinking back, this was not something that he partook in anymore, you never knew whom you might be pissing off with your actions. Pedestrians walked to the coffee shop, or to the tube station, both in an aggravated and hurried manner. Morning time was not the golden time for many, particularly in winter when it was still dark. Maybe it was to do with the need for hibernation for some species. Maybe humans descended from those animals in the dim and distant genetic past when all animals had come from the same quagmire. Shaking his head at the randomness of the thought, he decided that maybe was not the type of thoughts he should be having whilst preparing for a day of case files and consultations at the BAU.
His journey was not filled with his usual thoughts today: the minutia of the day a rather less significant thought than usual. Sometimes pondering about a day with no pending out of town cases was a highlight – but today it was filled with altogether more heated thoughts. He couldn't remember who had said it, but whoever had said it was right – there was no sensation like that of feeling someone else's flesh pressed against you for the first time. Even now, though it was hours ago, the ghosting of finger tips across the plains of smooth chest skin and hard yet yielding muscle was an enticing memory. The tasting of passion as two sets of lips collided together – his breath had been warm and sweet. It was both delightful and unexpected. You do not expect a man's breath to be sweet – often it was more the woman that would be described in such a fanciful term. Bodies divested of clothing, pressed against one another in a desperate need for some kind of fulfillment.
Some ideas were better than others, and whilst he was sure that sleeping with – or rather having sex with in the deepest part of the night – was not considered the best of ideas – it was certainly one of the more pleasurable ones. The feel of sinking into another person, of feeling their every move as if they were a part of you was beyond intoxicating. Equally though it was the anticipation of what was to come. All night there had been one thought – sex. How it would feel, how he would taste, who would submit first. Would it begin with a word, or a look? Would kissing be too much, or not enough? He often dithered with decisions, trying to consider the best options. What would offer the most protection; create the least amount of pain in his life. People commented on the steeliness of nerves needed to get into the FBI, but at his core he was quite a surprising coward at times. Simply, he never gambled with his emotions.
Casual sex can often be painful, from an emotional viewpoint, but he considered it a source of pride that at least he had the courage to stand by a decision once he made it. It might not have been the best idea, but at least he took ownership of it. He had wanted sex, he had desired his colleague and by god he had followed his decision through – another memory of lips as he had placed them against his colleagues throat, the foreign pulse beating erratically. I did that – I made his pulse quicken. Seduction of co-workers was not something that I could always claim to be good at, it was not something he partook in, and yet – I talked him into my bed.
As he passed by colleagues on his way into the building, other more frantic memories began to surface – clothes being shed in the heat of the moment. Hands roaming skin, caressing every part of each others body that they could find. Whispers and confessions that were safe in the moment – the forlorn look on his face when he had uttered that he was not experienced in this area. He sounded so shameful about the fact – when really it was perfectly understandable to not have expert knowledge in every field of the human experience. But the trust it engendered felt sublime, and made each moment after that a little bit more unique to the two of them. Memories should be unique. Time could so easily be lost when every activity was the same.
Although this was the part he had been dreading the most. Morning after situations had never been his strong point. What on earth do you say? Thanks for the orgasm? Was it good for you? Well I wanted sex, and you seemed to have a vague idea of what to do. We should do this again sometime. No, anything with an emotional attachment after sex was a bad idea, a reason why he avoided it. Better to just go about the day as if the sex hadn't occurred. A ridiculous notion, but more conducive to the working environment. Yet this was a unique situation, as today the person was a colleague and friend. Something that he has studiously managed to avoid. Work was not a place to have or discuss sex in graphic detail. Work was work, and their work was pretty serious. You didn't want to be in a position where you had to explain to Hotch (or Strauss) that the reason the profile isn't ready was because you and your colleague had to sort out issues stemming from the amazing sex they had last night. He had a large penis and I thought why not. Rossi was a feasible possibility, those rumors didn't start themselves. It might be honest – but honesty is not always the best policy.
He was running late this morning – the extra cold shower may have dampened his enthusiasm but also meant that he then had to have a warm breakfast to re-introduce heat into his system, and his …. Lover, paramour, oh Christ conquest was the accurate phrase, was already hard at work and sitting on his desk. Damn, well there went the plan to get in and set the tone for the day. He had visualized it just so, sitting at work, reading the file. A casual hello, a smile and a mention of a busy day. Friendly yet pointed – do not discuss. With the other person already here, that meant that they had the advantage, time to set the conversation up in their mind. Time to be prepared. All right, re-group, just go over to Morgan and say hey. Casual, friendly, just as he and Morgan always were. Show it's a normal day, and pass the vibe that way. Then head over to the coffee and complete the routine as normal.
"Hey Morgan."
"Morning Pretty boy, what kept you?"
It was only ten after ten, and yet the morning was already dragging by. Morgan leant back against his chair and took a moment to stretch and close his eyes. Only whilst this normally gave him relief from his work – today was a different matter entirely. Today, when he closed his eyes his thoughts strayed to the same place. Dominant hands stroking his back as he shoved Reid against the wall and kissed him. Gasps and moans as he writhed beneath Reid, each thrust made in time with him, drawing Reid in deeper and deeper. Are you ready? Don't worry, I wont hurt you. Morgan had done a lot of things that had made a lasting impression – most of college had been one party or girl after another. But nothing had prepared him for last night. And the onslaught of memories that it would bring. Morgan sat back upright and glanced around his office. Thank god he was not sat in the bullpen. He couldn't have taken the sight of Reid carrying on with his work like that. Like normal.
Earlier:
"Hey Morgan."
"Morning Pretty boy, what kept you?"
"Just running late today, had to eat a warm breakfast and cooking takes time."
"Had to eat a warm breakfast," Morgan's eyebrow was raised as he pondered the statement, "and why does a genius need a warm breakfast? Were the brain cells refusing to co-operate? Did you feel exhausted?"
"With the temperature outside, and the temperature of the shower … I mean … the temperature was average but … it wasn't warm … I … erm?"
"So naturally you made a warm breakfast. That was an issue? Oh right – burn it did you?"
Reid glared at Morgan. "Making myself a bowl of cereal takes on average around 25 seconds each day, with only fourteen minutes to eat if reading. However it takes around .."
"Whoa, whoa it's much too early for breakfast math this morning, you'll make my head spin." Morgan smiled at Reid, almost nervously.
"Sorry, I know you hate that," Reid replied, looking down at his files and chewing on his lips.
Morgan sighed, "I didn't mean anything by that. Not all of us are geniuses. Sometimes the average brain needs time before it can keep up with the complex stuff." He shuffled on his feet slightly, causing Reid to look at him again. "Listen, I know that…"
"It's okay, you don't have to say anything Morgan," Reid interrupted, "I know what you want, and where you stand. We're just the same today as we were yesterday. Colleagues and I hope friends."
Morgan looked startled for a minute. "Of course we are, Reid man …"
"So it's cool. Sex is not the same as love, I get it. I wanted sex, I got sex. And despite what was said prior to the act itself, it was good. Real good. Your reputation as a stud remains intact – not that Garcia or anyone will hear about this anyway. We both had an urge and we fulfilled the need. It's cool. My opinion of you is not less than it was, nor was it low beforehand, and I harbor no resentment to you whatsoever. I recognized that you needed to get home, for Clooney, and clean clothes. You don't need to panic. I didn't take it the wrong way. I'm fine. Relaxed, sated and satisfied. Just do me one favor," gesturing towards his pile of files, "how about you do your own work today eh?"
"Ummm, sure kid. Sure." Morgan looked at Reid for a minute, before re-taking the four files he had placed on Reid's desk last night before turning to go towards his office. He looked back once.
"I'm okay Morgan, thanks." Reid said, chuckling slightly.
Morgan relaxed his shoulders, although his expression did not change. "Anytime."
Only whilst Reid was more than happy to carry on as if sex was exchanged like a handshake, for the first time in his life Morgan was not. And what was even stranger was that he couldn't understand why. Reid was happy with the arrangement – he didn't want to rock the boat. He had even assured Morgan that no one would hear about it. No one asked Reid why he was smiling so much – because he wasn't. He was acting exactly like – well – typical Reid. How the hell could Reid act so nonchalant about the entire deal? And why did Morgan care? This was exactly what Morgan wanted. He had left to avoid a discussion, but wanted his friend to be ok. Reid had said everything that Morgan had always dreamed of a girl saying back to him, including the praise about his practice in bed. Why did Morgan care?
Three days went by, with nothing to do but consultations and being cloistered in an office with nothing but his own thoughts, Morgan was slowly going out of his mind. He needed help; he needed someone to talk to. The situation involving Reid had him spinning, and it was if the world had tilted slightly and then reset with only Morgan knowing something had happened.
Morgan was more than ready to admit that he had treated aspects of the night just as he would with any other partner. He had pushed the physical aspect to move forward – as much as he had been able to. He was also ready to admit that he had been curious – of men for a long time but Reid specifically for the last three years – and that as soon as the vibe was in the air he would have pursued Reid just like another other conquest. Reid had started the scenario off when he had cocked his eyebrow at Morgan and smiled oh so seductively, 'so you offer good sex huh? I would be interested to see what exactly good sex by your standards is…' but Morgan was more than happy to see it through to the proper conclusion. Morgan would even hesitantly admit that he would always wait until the partner had fell asleep before leaving to avoid the discussion that might happen the next day. He could withstand the women hating him, as he recognized that he perhaps deserved it. If any guy treated his sisters the way he sometimes treated women then he would have been the first one to round up the pitchforks and light the torches. It was nothing against them though; Morgan simply did not want a relationship. For women, sex and love were entwined, but for him love had nothing to do with it. Yet any conversation he had had in the past had always ended up in the same place. Is it me? Why am I not good enough? He had worried that Reid would take it personally, but that it would have eventually blown over as Reid rationalized his actions against his past behavior and the lack of other men in his life.
The truth was he never knew what to say, and in this instance he was more than a little confused. He wanted Reid, but Reid instigated it. Reid had gone for Morgan, confident and more overtly sexual than he had ever seen, or believed possible. And then it was all shot to shit, as Morgan realized that whilst he was curious about all male sex he had no knowledge of it. What happened with Carl was not sex, and Morgan refused to dwell on that at all. Instead of acting natural, Morgan had introduced feelings into the mix, and his own to boot. Confessing to Reid was the most embarrassing thing Morgan had ever had to do, but Reid not only understood this – but also did not judge him for it. Reid may have wanted sex but he wasn't selfish – he wanted Morgan to get off too. Reid had cared enough to prepare to battle any of Morgan's demons, to soothe his nerves and to make it as pleasurable for Morgan as possible. He reacted exactly like Morgan expected the female partners to react. Then he accepted Morgan leaving because it was not an emotional issue, and put all that TLC to one side so he get on with his day. WTF?
Seriously, Morgan had decided that Reid would have some post-sex reaction, and go postal later as he thought about it. But it hadn't happened. Rossi, Reid, Hotch and Morgan went out once a month for lunch as a guy time thing. That was what they called it. They refused to call it bonding time, and equally refused to admit the reason they did it was because the women did it all the time and it was making them both paranoid and nervous. Seriously, what could women be talking about that required that amount of time to be spent bonding, in a female only environment. It had to be the men they were working with – hence the need to have understanding back up. They went to sports bar, partook of the buffet and discussed accepted manly issues – sports, alcohol, women and recreation activities. Stereotypical yes, posturing – possible, but fun all the same as it helped them to regain some kind of control over a situation that they did not understand. (NB/ The girls mainly had specified girl time to wind the guys up, as not knowing something always drive them crazy whether they admitted it or not.) For Reid Morgan had always felt it was two parts torture one part education as they rarely discussed Reid-y issues for long. Not because he went into statistics, or because they thought it was dull. Reid simply had very different tastes to the others. Reid was always unique.
That was yesterday. Morgan had been waiting all morning – pensive about the lunch. Would Reid feel comfortable with him in close proximity? Would he say something that would allude to the night and go red? Would Rossi and Hotch pick up on sexual tension? No, was the short answer. Reid sat next to him as he always did, participated in the conversation as normal. He had attempted another joke – involving penguins and Socrates that had confused them all no ends until Reid had had to explain it. Knowing that explaining a joke made it unfunny, Reid had then elected to go quiet. Rossi had then tried to educate Reid in some of his more award winning jokes – that also then had to be explained. Although in this case watching Rossi's face turn several shades of red amused both Morgan and Hotch greatly. The clincher had been when Rossi, moving onto other subjects began talking about another potential wife number 4, asked Reid if he wanted fixing up. A standard offer that Reid always rejected. And rejected again.
"I don't see you date Dr Reid, unless there is something ungodly you are keeping from us?"
Reid choked on the drink that he had been sipping, and started to laugh. "No, you don't see me dating, that's very true. Don't worry, I do all right. And if I were to fall in love, wouldn't it be obvious? You're a world-class profiler Rossi, wouldn't love show up on my face, in my body movements, in my words? Come on, let me be."
"Aright fine. There is no special someone, and you clearly don't want someone. Fine. How's the research paper on sexual pathologies in older offenders coming on?"
Reid began talking, but all Morgan heard was white noise as the last statement of the conversation played in his head. There is no special someone, and you clearly don't want someone. There is no special someone, and you clearly don't want someone. There is no special someone, and you clearly don't want someone.
At that point Morgan would have cheerfully eaten the end of his own gun. Twenty-four hours later, and Morgan was even worse. Yet he had no idea how to begin having the conversation with the person he wanted to have it with, and a real inkling that having the conversation with anyone else would cause him to both let Reid down by making the night real, and by betraying the one trust Reid had placed in him. The assurance that it would remain private. Yet until he verbalized it, Morgan could not be sure what his feelings were.
This was always the masterstroke behind his ability to deny all knowledge. Until it was verbally reasoned with, with someone else, it wasn't real for him. And Morgan only dealt with what was real. Praying to God had never worked, and despite the questions he still had over what happened with Garcia and the time he spent in church then when he was alone and trying to reason it through, he had never tried to think any issue through without some discussion with someone. Since time had moved on with Tamara, he had no one to talk to outside of the BAU. And talking to himself on an issue of sex with a male co-worker was a new one for him anyway.
He was thankful when Hotch walked into the room, requesting that they meet after work to discuss some new paperwork system that Strauss wanted implementing. Having to wrap his mind around beaucracy was a much-needed welcome release.
The paperwork had yet to materialize, there was scotch on the table and Hotch looked nervous. Morgan was too fatigued to work out what the hell was going on, but he had a horrible idea that was not something that he wanted to be a part of. So he sat back, Hotch would have to speak eventually. Hotch quickly picked up on this and coughed before necking the last of his drink.
"We have never been the closest of members on the team, you and Reid have always seemed closer. However, when I have real issues that I have trouble wrapping my head around I usually talk to the person who will be the bluntest with me. That's always been Reid." Morgan realized that he must have looked shocked at this, mainly because Hotch was admitting a weakness to an insubordinate, but Hotch read it differently in the moment.
"I know Dave and I have known each other longer, hell even you and I have known each other longer. But Reid has never tried to be anything other than himself, and he has always known that I pride honesty in a man," he looked down at his drink before refilling it, "I've come to rely on that honesty periodically over time. Dave is my old friend - sometimes we don't want our older friends to see us in a negative light. Even when they wouldn't judge us, or when we don't actually have anything to be judged for."
Morgan thought back immediately to that night. The smile, the warmth. It's okay. Nobody knows everything. Just be honest if you want to stop. Again Hotch sighed.
"I'm saying this wrong. Reid is my friend. He's just younger, and more logical. He accepts where others might not, and he gives me the truth. He's too logical to lie."
"I understand Hotch, Rossi does that for me."
Hotch almost smiled – but then his brain returned to the matter at hand. "You seemed to be out of sorts lately, and after watching you yesterday at ….. the thing, I wondered if there was something that you wished to discuss."
Shit. "Oh, erm. No, I mean thank you but no."
"I'm not here as your boss. Anything you say is confidential. It's just me. Talk to me. Morgan, tell me what's going on."
'I appreciate it man, really but nothing is going on. If there was something to talk about, I would."
Hotch smiled then, and Morgan was surprised at the warmth for a second. This must be whom Jack sees. Why the hell did Haley walk away from that? "I used to be a prosecutor Morgan. What you mean to say is that by not talking about it, means that it is not real. I hate to point out the obvious but you have been stressing about something. Something that involves one of your colleagues from the avoidance of the bullpen, and its not going away. Whatever it is, its real. And it's not going away. So talk, its how you process best."
Morgan looked at Hotch for a moment before speaking. "This involves something that the unit chief should be aware of, and I don't want the unit chief to be aware of. It ain't illegal, but it is against the established rules. If I tell you, you will want to speak up about this, but as a friend you know you can't. I can't put you in that position."
"Morgan, think back to each member of this team. If I told Strauss about half the stuff that the team does – and I mainly mean Garcia – what do you think would happen?"
Morgan only had to think back to last Wednesday before he smiled. It had taken three days for the purple glitter to be properly hovered up, and there was pool of $250 for what she had made Reid do with it. He was saying nothing, but Morgan felt that was because there was not enough money in the collective kitty yet.
"I slept with a colleague."
"Oh, just the one?"
"HOTCH!"
Hotch really smiled then. "That's it. Sex with a colleague. God, I had been thinking all sorts. Wait, she's not pregnant is she?
"No, that wont happen. Trust me."
"No protection is 100%, if she's been feeling unwell or hormonal it can come out in all sorts ….." Hotch suddenly registered the second meaning behind the statement. "Ah"
Morgan could feel himself cringing slightly. Okay, Reid had a point. He liked being seen as a ladies man. His reputation was coming down right now, even if it was just one man. Damn, he really cared what people think that much? Hotch was carefully deciding what his next statement or question should be. Morgan needed to sound out his thoughts, that much was clear. But would challenging be the best method, or clarifying? Hotch took a mental intake of breath and made his choice.
"Was it the fact that you slept with Reid your friend, Reid your male friend or that Reid carried on as if it didn't matter that caused you to stop and think?"
Morgan became angry instantly, the reaction that Hotch had been praying for.
"I don't give a damn about Reid's gender! He's my friend, I care about him deeply. I don't want to hurt him."
"So it's the fact that he has carried on as if everything was normal that has bothered you?
"I don't sleep with colleagues. I don't sleep with men. I don't do that with anyone,"
"So it hurts that you're not as special to Reid, as he is to you."
"Of course it hurts, Hotch how coul…. But Reid's my friend, of course I find him special."
"Yes but you were indignant about the accusation of sleeping with more than one co-worker. You draw clear lines in the sand. Friend, foe, co-worker, unsub, good guy, hot woman. They never cross, ever. Yet with Reid you didn't even think about the consequences. You wanted him, not just then. For you to act like that it had to be deeper, it had to be. You wanted Reid." The blink was so quick that Morgan missed it – but by now Hotch knew it was time to push. "I don't get it, being honest but Dave always says it takes all sorts."
Hearing the tone that Rossi would say that in, the slightly judgmental manner Rossi employed at times was enough for the red mist to descend.
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with Reid. It's not just his brain that's a plus; he's also kind, warm, understanding. He's his own man, in all the years of bullying its never even occurred to him to change. Despite everything he's gone through he still has the ability to trust people, and he always manages to find the good in a person. He defended Strauss once, in the early days… Besides, he is attractive. His eyes, his lips, Hotch women drool over him all the time."
"And yet you probably crawled out of his bed, and walked away afterwards."
Morgan faltered at this, too late realizing what Hotch had done.
"I … well .."
Hotch went and got himself a glass of water, the hard part all but over.
"You and Reid have the same level of intelligence when it comes to things like this. I might not be the smartest kid in the room, but I learnt the lessons. Please do me one favor, listen to me. Do not interrupt. You both came from families where you watched the father leave. Yours wasn't by choice, but both of you watched the women you adore the most go through hell over the loss of love. You know what it takes to pick up the pieces, and whilst both men left you too, it was at an age when the full ramifications of relationships was not fully opened up to you. Love was an automatic thing; giving love to a parent is something you do without thought as a child. Hate is very rare, and when it is present, it still stems from love. What you saw informed your life choices. You didn't want to go through a pain you perceived as worse than the one you went through. So no love – just sex. Yes, you have other issues that are real, and not to be dismissed either. But at your core, you don't want to get hurt like that, the risk is simply too much. However, the problem is that whilst the propagation of mankind rests on sex, the spiritual and emotional needs are only met through love. Humans are programmed to seek out what they need. The more you ignore them, the greater those needs become. Until it gets to a point where it becomes too much, and then the pain it creates is worse."
Hotch looked at Morgan, hoping that what he was saying was sinking in. "Reid has been hurt bad, by a lot of people. You missed what I said. He has been carrying on as if everything is normal. I play poker with the man, I may have not beaten him yet, but I am beginning to pick up on his tells. One of which is the more confident he acts, the less confident he feels. When he is slightly unsure, every emotion is out there as he feels comfortable enough to show the truth. Reid is learning to fake it until he makes it. Right now he is acting unbothered but the truth is he is. Now I think I know why, but you are only going to get satisfaction by talking to him."
At this Morgan began to react. "This cannot go on forever. One of you will crack. An ounce of prevention …" "Prevention," Morgan cried out.
"Of destroying a friendship. If you both want to remain friends, a full and frank conversation needs to take place. You must tell him how you feel. It will only hurt you both more in the long run. How would you feel if he loved you and hid it? You care for him, and it would crush him to think that you said nothing and felt miserable. Give him the chance to salvage this properly. If nothing else, he should know that you care as much as you do. Everyone deserves to hear they are special at least once in their lives."
"What if he becomes uncomfortable?"
"He IS uncomfortable. He could be reading you, and not understanding, or understanding and taking it personally. Or he could have his own reasons. Again, I think the reason for his discomfort may surprise you, but at least get it out. For your sake as much as his."
Morgan felt as if a huge weight had been lifted. He was beginning to recognize his emotions for what they were, and Hotch was dead on the money as to why. Hotch had one last thing to say.
"Remember, Reid is your best friend. He might not like what you say, but he will understand. And you're right, he wont judge you for it, at all."
"Thanks Hotch." Morgan drained the drink and set it carefully on the table. He started to head towards the door, "Reid does this for you?"
"Every time."
Reid was sat in his chair, reading The Three Musketeers. Well, half reading it. The last few days had been running through his mind, and once again he was cursing his lack of social knowledge. How the hell does Morgan do this? Sex without emotion. At first it was easy, but as time passed the desire to be with Morgan increased instead of decreased. He had expected and accepted the desire to still be there for the first few hours. However it had been nearly five days ago, and Reid was craving Morgan more than he had craved anything before. A thought that was not filling Reid with anything remotely positive to hold on to at all.
He had tried reading, writing extra long letters to his mother, chess games in the park. He had been to two meetings, and had even cleaned the entire apartment from top to bottom. The research paper was done, and he had proof read the first three chapters of Rossi's latest book. To no avail. Morgan was on his mind every waking moment. And once again his eidetic memory was more of a hindrance than a help. How could he forget when he could remember what every inch of Morgan's skin looked like? He had mapped out every sound Morgan had made as he had traveled over his body, and he kept thinking about whether touching him, stroking him, caressing or even tickling him on those areas would give out a different (better) response. Not going to happen.
Reid had gone into this with the best of intentions. He had pondered it, gesticulated over it, viewed it from every angle conceivable and truly had felt that sleeping with Morgan would help him to get over his infatuation. Not knowing about something was worse than knowing about it. Everything could be magnified to the nth degree, and this was unacceptable. When it hit Reid's dreams, enough was enough. He had to be able to look Morgan in the eye at work, so why not sleep with him and get it out of the way. Whatever it was. Remove the weak link, and the rest remains strong. Yet the reality was a different matter entirely.
First of all, the sex had actually exceeded expectations. Morgan had been more generous and giving than Reid had thought possible. Morgan has always seemed like the archetype wham bam and thank you mam kind of lover. But with Reid he had wanted to please him. He also had accepted Reid's overtures more than Reid had expected him to. When Reid had hinted that he wanted to experience good sex with Morgan, Morgan had picked up their coats and asked if Reid's apartment was nearer. A part of Reid had expected the demon shadow of Buford to prevent the action from taking place, a consequence that Reid could accept. Instead Morgan had literally put his emotional life into Reids' hands, an action that Reid in his lustful state of mind had horrifyingly not fully grasped at the time. Reid had been so fixated on not hurting Morgan physically that he had given no consideration to not hurting Morgan.
When Morgan had left in the night, Reid had been relieved. They had had a conversation about his leaving in the night once, early on. Reid knew that it meant a sign of no commitment, just that he had enjoyed the time and was ready to move on. This tied in with Reids' plans perfectly (he knew he sounded like a villain at this point – and he felt like it a little too), as the sex was designed to be nothing other than something they did and move on. Reid had to believe that after experiencing it he could move away from the dangerous feelings he was harboring towards Morgan, and get back to some degree of normality in his mind. By leaving in the night, Morgan was agreeing with this idea and so the illusion of sex as a separate entity had time to percolate in Reid's mind.
Fucking Rossi. He loved to push buttons. There is no special someone, and you clearly don't want someone. What a can of worms that statement caused. Reid could hardly have stated that actually his world had been rocked check with Garcia that is the right phrase sometime and he was waiting for it to rock back. He had promised not to tell a soul. Morgan wanted them to remain friends. Friends do not blab about sex with friends – Reid knew that much. Plus the whole your boss was there, and fraternization rules.
A knock at the door broke Reid free, and he was too happy at the distraction to wonder who could possibly be knocking at this time. He didn't even look through the peephole, making his reaction to seeing Morgan not as welcoming or as nonchalant as he wanted.
The space between them on Reid's couch was merely 13 inches, however for both parties concerned it was as wide as the Grand Canyon. Reid had no idea what to say to Morgan, unsure as to why the hell he was in Reid's apartment at all. Morgan had been to Reid's home a few times, usually involving pizza, beer (that Morgan brought) and an argument of what film to watch. Except the last time they had been together here, it had been very different. They were both hungry, yet it hadn't been for food. Visions of wants and needs were dancing around his head, like sugar plums, and he wanted to resist the urge to look at them or entertain them in any way. Acknowledging them at this point was not something Reid wanted to do, because it might influence him to act differently.
Morgan was contemplating eating his gun again. After being inspired by Hotch he had driven straight to Reid, but had focused on the conversation he had just had, not the one he was about to have. A lot of what Hotch had said made sense. Reid and he had always been able to understand each other, despite the differences in their upbringing. In some respects their shared history extended beyond the time they had spent together as colleagues. Maybe it was this reason why Morgan had connected more deeply with Reid then his other co-workers. Maybe this was why Morgan was more connected to the emotional aspects of sex, because the relationship was already there. They had already been through many of the stages that other couples go through in developing a dialogue that exists only between the two. So much had already been said. Consequently, he had no idea what he wanted to say, or even how to start. Unfortunately the left side of his brain was not communicating with the right side, or his mouth, for without realizing it he had opened his mouth.
"What you reading?"
"What?" Of all the things that Reid might have expected, a question about a book was not one of them.
"What are you reading?" Morgan repeated, inwardly cursing himself. Years of suave-ness and cool obliterated with one question. "You looked like you were reading when I knocked. I was just curious what if it was something that I would recognize." Good, a joke. Something we do that's safe.
Reid smiled then, glad that Morgan was making jokes. Maybe he's just here to hang out. He does that sometimes. "The three musketeers, by Alexander Dumas. I was reading The Dumas Club by Arturo Perez-Reverte and it kept making references back to the original book. It isn't something that I have read before and became curious. Although the style of it is a little strange for me, with all the points of excitement all the way through. It feels like something is happening every 30 seconds because of how fast I read. It feels like a James Patterson novel. Did you know that Dumas was thought to use ghost writers too?"
Incredulous-ness crept into his tome without Morgan realizing it "You've read James Patterson? I would have thought a book those would have been the last thing you would read. You know – popular, pop-culture style writing about serial killers and the impossibly fantastic people who stop them"
"Firstly, I'm getting sick and tired of not recognizing the references that you lot make half the time. I thought Alex Cross was a real agent until Hotch explained it to me in private. Thankfully I hadn't phoned Garcia at that point." Morgan smirked now, as he recalled the case where nothing had gone right for the team in the entire 48 hours they had been stuck in the great plains region, prompting Rossi to quip they had the wrong author with them, and that perhaps Alex Cross would have been a better literary agent to solve the case. Morgan knew Reid had been slightly out of the loop – but after discovering that Reid had not even heard of Twilight, he just took it as a granted that Reid would pick up on the fact it was a character from a book. That's what you get for making assumptions. "I still don't understand what the fuss about twilight is. I read all four of those books, and the result was ridiculous to say the least. She becomes a wife, mother and completely reinvents herself before she is fulfilled. What kind of nonsense is that? Anyway, regarding Patterson, I had finished everything else, and it was the only author I hadn't read outside of the romance section."
Morgan smiled at this. "Got a problem with romance, huh?" Yes, thank you, a way in.
Reid began to shift a little. He wasn't sure how to respond. Any knowledge of Nora Roberts was sure to be the equivalent of tenderizing meat before sending it to the lions, but he didn't want to appear like he was totally against the notion of romance. He liked crime novels, he felt it was honing his own skills, and he enjoyed science fiction too. Her JD Robb books were excellent reads, and at least gave him some clues as to what women were thinking. He could always picture Emily in the role of Eve Dallas. Then again, he didn't want to open any kind of door with Morgan in the area of romance, it was far too dangerous. He needed to deflect this, quickly.
"So you're ok with it? Is that what you and Garcia chat about? Romance novels, I had no idea. Maybe you could recommend something then. Introduce me to the genre with some quality literature." Shit. This was wrong. This sounded like the other night. Straying back into the waters of temptation. Reid was a wise man in many regards, and he knew if he and Morgan were together again he might not be able to make it back intact. He wasn't sure he was going to make it back anymore as it was.
Morgan took a deep breath. He could see now what Hotch meant. Reid was acting calm, but if you watched the eyes they were everywhere. It looked like he wanted an escape valve to open up and get him out of the way. Morgan shouldn't have sprung this on Reid, but he was here now, and he had to do what he had to do. "I don't know Reid, when it comes to romance I'm something of a novice myself. It's like looking for the perfect … couch. You know it when you find it. But finding it takes a lot of work. And it usually is in the last place that you look. There are lots of different types of romance books out there. I wouldn't know what to suggest. I don't know what you're looking for."
Reid didn't know what to say. There was clearly a second meaning to the conversation, but he felt he was missing it. Was Morgan suggesting that he wanted a romance, a love story? Was he suggesting that Reid should be in love? Was Morgan in love? Did he mean Reid? Did he want the tow of them to be together, or separate? Or was there someone else that he had realized he was in love with after sleeping with the wrong person? Had Morgan realized that Reid had feelings for him, and was trying to divert him away?
"I …. I mean … well typically, no …. Morgan I don't know what to say." He threw his hands in the air. "I know you're speaking in metaphors but for the life of me I can't pick it out. What do you mean? I can answer the question when I know what I'm being asked. What are you saying? What do you want?"
"What I mean," Morgan took a slow breath, calming his nerves, "is that I have never been in a relationship – a romance before- and that the person you are with is crucial to this. Some relationships are great things that last forever, and some are disasters like Sid and Nancy." Reid began to look confused, and Morgan made a note that musical knowledge had to be pushed further, at least into the last century of not this one. "I have never looked for it because I was scared of it going wrong, and having to deal with the aftermath. The feelings of rejection, the sadness, the longing. I run from getting hurt. Bullet wounds heal, but there is nothing sure proof to mend a broken heart. And I plan on living forever, despite this job."
Reid thought about this for a moment. "I've never been in a relationship before either. I get it; I get what you're saying here. I'm clueless as to what is acceptable and what is not. I don't know if how I feel is one thing or another."
Morgan looked up at Reid then, who had ceremoniously chosen that moment to look at his socks with great interest. He was beginning to see what Hotch saw, and for a moment his heart stopped. Reid felt something for him, Derek Morgan. He didn't know what it was, but it was something. In typical Reid fashion, he had chosen to try and solve it as if it was a puzzle, examining it like it was underneath a microscope. But whereas for Reid everything was hazy, for Morgan it was becoming clearer. There was no way he could deny what he felt. His reaction to Reid feeling something for him was enough of an indicator as to what he felt for Reid. And unlike Hotch, Morgan already knew what to say to Reid to help him understand. As Reid said, any solution began with a question.
"The other night, did it help you clear up how you felt or make you more confused?"
"At first it was clear, but then it became more confused." Reid looked up at Morgan again, noting that Morgan had a) accepted that there was an agenda behind the sex and b) looked very calm about what Reid could potentially say. Ok, talking always helps Morgan, maybe it would Reid too. "I was curious, I found myself thinking about things more than I had before. These thoughts began to increase, in frequency and in detail until I decided that it was no longer viable to ignore them." Reid tried desperately to not say what he wanted to say. Morgan chose to say nothing, and despite Reid recognizing this as a classic ploy in getting someone to open up and offer more detail, which he did not want to do under any circumstances, he found himself elaborating on the information. "I kept thinking about what it would be like, the two of us. Together, carnally. I wanted to know if I was someone you could see as something other than … well Reid. A regular person that you could think about regularly."
"I assume that by regularly you mean as a possible shag?"
Reid had the decency to look a little sheepish at this. "Okay, yes, I believe that you think about sex a lot more than I do. And …. Yes, I wondered if I was good enough to be thought of that way."
Until now, Reid hadn't noticed that Morgan had begun to close the gap between them. Normally the idea of someone entering into his personal space without his knowledge would have freaked Reid out, but he found that his breath began to hitch slightly with anticipation. He was beginning to shake, and it wasn't from the coolness of his apartment. This was a different sensation altogether.
"The fact that you are not like anyone else will always be a positive thing in my book, not a negative. Nor should you think that. If you are not regular, or ordinary, then clearly you are extrordinaty. Special. Unique. Why wouldn't someone want to be with someone who is special?" Reid registered what Morgan said, but didn't have time to respond. "Next question Dr Reid. Did you really want to be thought of as just a quick screw, or did you want something a bit more lasting, deeper? Did you want me to think about kissing you, holding you, being with you or was it just how it would be whilst having sex?"
"I don't do relationships. When you love someone, they leave. Even if they don't want to, they still can't always be there. Mom was in the room, but she wasn't there. Elle left, Gideon left. Prentiss left, she didn't want to but she still left. You can't promise me that you will stay. There are absolutely no guarantees."
"Pushing death aside, as that can't be helped: where would I go?"
"I don't know. Somewhere better. Somewhere less academic, more attractive, older, mainstream."
"True, I could. But this is thing, the one fact I know about relationships. Both people are in it together. What could happen to one could also happen to the other. I could lose everything I held dear to something more attractive, more academic, younger, less mainstream. There is no security that I can meet your needs in this. I could fail you, even when being the best that I could possibly be."
Reid was the one moving closer now, seeing again what he had glimpsed that previous night. A strong man, a trusting man, a loving man. These were the qualities that he had looked for in the women that had entered his life, and even though the man part was new to him, the qualities were still there. Things he had always believed Morgan to be. "It doesn't seem logical to run away if everyone is in the same position. I don't want to be hurt Morgan, but if you feel the same as I do, I don't want to run either."
Morgan looked deeply into Reids' eyes. "So, to make this as clear as possible. I think I love you; I definitely want to be with you. I don't mean for one night, I mean as my partner, my boyfriend, my lover. I want to trust you, and be with you, and have you as the most important thing in my world. I want you to think the same of me. I think you feel the same as I do. But neither one of us has been in a relationship before and has no understanding of how to do this. So what do we do?"
Reid grinned at Morgan. "As friends we have always held each other up, been honest and enjoyed each other. I think that's as good a start as any. You're right; I think I love you to. So I will endeavor to learn more about sports, DIY and dogs. I will not complain if you listen to your music, or feel the need to over feed me. But, big but. You need to brush up on Star Trek, classical music and chess. You don't have to read all the books I have read, it would be easier if I read some of the ones you had read. We'll talk, about everything. What scares us, what excites us. What we truly want in life and about our deepest dreams. And when that doesn't work, we'll have sex. We're good at that."
Morgan's eyebrows nearly left his face at the last part, but for the first time in a long time his heart felt that it was in the right place. Again, despite being the one with more experience, it was Reid who had taken charge, who had been able to show the way. And to Morgan's delight, he enjoyed the feeling of letting Reid be in control. They could do this, as equals. Reid was going to be shy, but he wasn't going to shy away. The gap between the two was now less than 1 mm, and hands were beginning to search out areas of loose clothing. "But pretty boy, I don't know anything right now about Star Trek, classical music and chess."
"Well then," Reid pretended to muse, "I guess we'll have to start with sex then."
The end.