Living the Lie.
Do you ever feel fragile? Like it would only take the slightest touch and you would shatter into pieces? That's how I feel today. And I hate it.
It's not just me either, the others feel the same. Like they have to hold it together just to get through the day...or things will never be the same. I guess that's what happens when you are as close to a group...you become empathic. I wish I wasn't as close just now. Close means it hurts...it means we all hurt. I look around the faces, 7 hollow and empty faces- like my own. It's scary to feel so vulnerable, it's scary to be reminded about your mortality when you've barely begun to live. It's scary to be unable to help those I love most in the world get through this. It's scary.
We weren't ready for this- we hadn't even considered it a possibility. That was our mistake. If you ask a bunch of teenagers with no training to fight off a interstellar army with 50+ years experience then it only natural that they'll leave something out. Something that they haven't thought about.
Someone they haven't thought about.
That was our mistake.
It was a shock to us all. The change had been so sudden but so subtle that by the time anyone noticed anything was wrong it was already too late to help. The damage had already been done. But we can't blame ourselves, people do change. Especially teenagers. We all just let the strange behavior slide because everything seemed normal. But it wasn't normal. Things were happening beneath the surface that no-one knew anything about. That was another mistake...none of us were observant enough to notice. And by the time we did, it was too late.
I see another tear fall down my girlfriends face. I try to speak, force the words out that would let her know that it's ok, the words that would bring her out of this nightmare we are all living in. But they refuse to leave my mouth. All that I manage is silence...another thing that scares me.
How did we get here? How did this happen? How will we fix this? I don't think we can...they don't know its happened. They don't know they can come get me. They don't know they need to save me. They don't know this because they believe they are burying me.
They think I'm dead...
It happened so quickly I can hardly remember the details even though they play through my head like it had only just occurred. I remember no longer being me...I remember deciphering the book, I remember not going to Sweden.
I remember hating myself for being so weak as to allow my body to be stolen the first time.
And then they came again as I was about to meet the others and explain everything to them. Nicholas and Lonnie. They let him take my mind again...they broke down my defenses with their mind torture. And he took control. Again.
Khivar is using me again. And I can't stop him. No one can because they don't know I'm here.
They all made it look like I died. My mom, my dad...Isabel, Liz, Maria, Kyle, Michael, Max and Tess. Even the Sheriff. They all think I'm in that hole in the cemetery.
He has me now...using my body to live on earth. And all I can do is escape when I can...hoping that one of them will sense my astral form before he hurts them. Before he hurts her.
But they won't...they think I'm dead. They buried a husk and they thought it was me. How do I make them see when I'm insubstantial? How do I force them to ignore their eyes and feel me there? How do I make them believe that inside that hole in the ground there already is nothing but a hollow husk? How do I get them to save me? How do I save them when I can't even talk to them?
How?
I look at their faces as they argue and I pray that it won't happen...that a divide won't be created. I want to punch Max for believing I would kill myself. He knew me better than that. I want to hug Liz for fighting for me, but she's hurting them all. I beg her to stop but again I have no voice. I'm speechless until they dream. And then all I have is the time that Khivar needs to recover before he retakes my body. If he knew I was here he'd try and kill me. The astral projections are a handy side effect to his possession. Two psyches can't inhibit the one body all the time. One of them has to go somewhere. And I choose to be here.
That at least means I am not totally defenseless.
They walk past me. The 4 aliens leave...the force of Liz's accusations still hanging in the air. If only they knew how right she was about it. But still so wrong. I want to call to them...I actually call their names but they are already gone. And even if they had still been there no sound had came out. My eyes follow Isabel...I wish I could go to her dreams and make her see me. Make her see that I haven't left her. But it's too soon for her. She wouldn't believe me.
I feel the pull of my body calling me back. Back to my cage...back to the planning. Back to praying they don't find out before my friends do. As I fade I see Liz, Maria and Kyle looking at each other. My three closest friends. My two girls. It has to be one of them I go to. They are the only ones that will believe me. I can't help but wonder what will I do if he hurts them using my body? What will I do if I can't protect them? What if I'm not strong enough?
The image fades and I wearily open my own eyes to see where I am. I can't move my body, I'm too drained from my possession but I hear Nicholas's laugh and Lonnie's voice and I realize how trapped I really am. I squeeze my eyes shut, desperate for some shining light to give me inspiration. Something that could mend the shattered fragments of my life. Something that would make me feel less useless. Less fragile. Less breakable.
Do you ever feel fragile? Like it would only take the slightest touch and you would shatter into pieces? That's how I feel today. And I hate it.
It's not just me either, the others feel the same. Like they have to hold it together just to get through the day...or things will never be the same. I guess that's what happens when you are as close to a group...you become empathic. I wish I wasn't as close just now. Close means it hurts...it means we all hurt. I look around the faces, 7 hollow and empty faces- like my own. It's scary to feel so vulnerable, it's scary to be reminded about your mortality when you've barely begun to live. It's scary to be unable to help those I love most in the world get through this. It's scary.
We weren't ready for this- we hadn't even considered it a possibility. That was our mistake. If you ask a bunch of teenagers with no training to fight off a interstellar army with 50+ years experience then it only natural that they'll leave something out. Something that they haven't thought about.
Someone they haven't thought about.
That was our mistake.
It was a shock to us all. The change had been so sudden but so subtle that by the time anyone noticed anything was wrong it was already too late to help. The damage had already been done. But we can't blame ourselves, people do change. Especially teenagers. We all just let the strange behavior slide because everything seemed normal. But it wasn't normal. Things were happening beneath the surface that no-one knew anything about. That was another mistake...none of us were observant enough to notice. And by the time we did, it was too late.
I see another tear fall down my girlfriends face. I try to speak, force the words out that would let her know that it's ok, the words that would bring her out of this nightmare we are all living in. But they refuse to leave my mouth. All that I manage is silence...another thing that scares me.
How did we get here? How did this happen? How will we fix this? I don't think we can...they don't know its happened. They don't know they can come get me. They don't know they need to save me. They don't know this because they believe they are burying me.
They think I'm dead...
It happened so quickly I can hardly remember the details even though they play through my head like it had only just occurred. I remember no longer being me...I remember deciphering the book, I remember not going to Sweden.
I remember hating myself for being so weak as to allow my body to be stolen the first time.
And then they came again as I was about to meet the others and explain everything to them. Nicholas and Lonnie. They let him take my mind again...they broke down my defenses with their mind torture. And he took control. Again.
Khivar is using me again. And I can't stop him. No one can because they don't know I'm here.
They all made it look like I died. My mom, my dad...Isabel, Liz, Maria, Kyle, Michael, Max and Tess. Even the Sheriff. They all think I'm in that hole in the cemetery.
He has me now...using my body to live on earth. And all I can do is escape when I can...hoping that one of them will sense my astral form before he hurts them. Before he hurts her.
But they won't...they think I'm dead. They buried a husk and they thought it was me. How do I make them see when I'm insubstantial? How do I force them to ignore their eyes and feel me there? How do I make them believe that inside that hole in the ground there already is nothing but a hollow husk? How do I get them to save me? How do I save them when I can't even talk to them?
How?
I look at their faces as they argue and I pray that it won't happen...that a divide won't be created. I want to punch Max for believing I would kill myself. He knew me better than that. I want to hug Liz for fighting for me, but she's hurting them all. I beg her to stop but again I have no voice. I'm speechless until they dream. And then all I have is the time that Khivar needs to recover before he retakes my body. If he knew I was here he'd try and kill me. The astral projections are a handy side effect to his possession. Two psyches can't inhibit the one body all the time. One of them has to go somewhere. And I choose to be here.
That at least means I am not totally defenseless.
They walk past me. The 4 aliens leave...the force of Liz's accusations still hanging in the air. If only they knew how right she was about it. But still so wrong. I want to call to them...I actually call their names but they are already gone. And even if they had still been there no sound had came out. My eyes follow Isabel...I wish I could go to her dreams and make her see me. Make her see that I haven't left her. But it's too soon for her. She wouldn't believe me.
I feel the pull of my body calling me back. Back to my cage...back to the planning. Back to praying they don't find out before my friends do. As I fade I see Liz, Maria and Kyle looking at each other. My three closest friends. My two girls. It has to be one of them I go to. They are the only ones that will believe me. I can't help but wonder what will I do if he hurts them using my body? What will I do if I can't protect them? What if I'm not strong enough?
The image fades and I wearily open my own eyes to see where I am. I can't move my body, I'm too drained from my possession but I hear Nicholas's laugh and Lonnie's voice and I realize how trapped I really am. I squeeze my eyes shut, desperate for some shining light to give me inspiration. Something that could mend the shattered fragments of my life. Something that would make me feel less useless. Less fragile. Less breakable.