Chapter 1- Reality checks and racing thoughts
*Haru's POV*
I heard the front door creak open as I plunged my head under the water one last time. As I surfaced, and opened my eyes, I was greeted with my usual morning view- my best friend beaming down at me with his arm outstretched to help me out of the tub. I always seem so reluctant to take it, but honestly, it's my favourite part of the day.
As we walked to school, I stared longingly at the ocean- "summer can't come soon enough" I thought to myself, "I want to swim". As I turned my attention back to the present, Makoto smiled softly and said "I hope it gets warm soon, so you can swim in the ocean". I maintained my nonchalant demeanour, but my heart was pounding. I both loved and hated that he could read my mind; it gave me great comfort, but also made me feel extremely vulnerable. I was used to it by now- how Makoto knew everything about me, how he always knew what I wanted or needed, simply by looking at me- and yet, it still made my stomach do flips. It's never really bothered me before, I've always liked that Makoto could read me, as it meant that I could spend less time trying to explain or express myself to people I didn't particularly want to deal with. He would always do it for me; and yeah, people would joke that he was my spokesperson and what not but honestly, I don't really care. However, lately, letting Makoto get inside my head is becoming increasingly risky. If he catches on, if he realises what I've been hiding, it could ruin everything. Our friendship means the world to me and I would do anything to protect it, I would even deny me own feelings- which is exactly what I've been trying to do. If Makoto caught a glimpse of the guilt in my gaze, he would know, know that I, that I.. Oh I can't even bare to imagine how he would react! Oh shit, what if he already knows? This is Makoto, after all. Surely he's figured it out? I haven't exactly been excellent in my quest to suppress my feelings. I may have stared too long, or maybe he caught me eyeing him from the side once or twice. He could have noticed that I often stare at his lips when he speaks, or.. wait, no. Don't panic, it will be fine. But what if it isn't? If he has already figured it out, then why hasn't he said anything? Being the sweet, and kind guy that he is, maybe Makoto wanted to spare my feelings? Maybe he doesn't feel the same, and wanted to save me the embarrassment of a confession? Hold on, what am I saying? Maybe? Definitely. As if Makoto... sweet, handsome and amazing Makoto... could ever have feelings for someone like me. Does Makoto even like guys? I'm getting ahead of myself here... I'm lucky just to have him as a best friend. I want to be more, but, if Makoto is happy so I am. I will happily stick with Makoto forever, and travel to the end of the earth with him and back, even if it's just as his friend. Come to think of it, why is Makoto my friend? Seriously, he's so god damn cool... he could be friends with anyone. He's always getting invited places by the guys in our class. Yeah, they invite me too, but only because they think it will make Makoto more inclined to join them. Girls like him too, he's always being asked out on dates, but he always turns them down to spend time with me. Am I holding him back? If it wasn't for me, Makoto might have lots of really cool friends and even a girlfriend. Maybe he's bored of me but doesn't have the heart to ditch me? My heart sunk even further as I pondered this notion. If that's the case, maybe I should distance myself from him so he has the freedom to do as he pleases? The thought of it made me want to cry, but I can't be selfish. This is for Makoto, the one person I care for most in the world. Of course, I want to be with him all the time- but more than that, I want Makoto to be happy. I shook my head in determination to my decision just as Makoto beckoned me back to reality with a gentle touch of my shoulder. "Haru, we're here". His voice sounded like butter melting, the way it always did; soft and soothing. This is going to be harder than I thought.