It isn't easy.
It isn't easy to look into his eyes, a combination of brilliant blue and red rimmed, boring into her and pleading with her. Pleading for something that she cannot given him- she's given him so much, given him everything that she can, every bit of herself, and this- a baby, it's too much.
It's the proverbial line.
When she asks him how much he loves her, it's because she wants to believe that he loves her for more than the dreams that he dreams for them. She wants to know that she has given up herself to this relationship that has swallowed her whole because he loves her and not what could be.
It isn't easy when she finds out that he does not.
It isn't easy to sit in a waiting room by herself with a mere phone number from Karev to 'only call when she needs the ride home'- he has things to do, or so he says in a bitter tone. This is the third day this week, trying to terminate a pregnancy she does not want, trying to reason with herself that it's what she wants.
Trying to reason with herself that what she wants is still important.
She walks out of the clinic without following through.
Again.
It isn't easy to need somebody when nobody needs you in return.
It isn't easy to face him, to tell him that she's thinking about it. Cristina literally feels her dreams slipping through her fingers, one at a time. First cardiothoracics, then Chief Resident, and now- now she just feels as if she's losing the last bit of herself. Owen calls it growing up, she calls it fading away.
She's faded so much though that she doesn't know how to be without being with someone else.
Cristina hates herself for what she's become, what she's allowed to transpire. Somewhere between wedding dresses, gunshots, and sleeping with her superiors, she's lost herself and she knows that she cannot be found.
It isn't easy when he embraces her for the first time since this entire mess started; only after she tells him that she can't go through with it.
It isn't easy when Meredith tells her about Webber, about Derek. The Chief of Surgery is stepping down and a new one will be named soon. More change is the last thing that they want right now, they've had too much. Meredith asks about the baby in the most subtle way that she knows how and it's not subtle at all.
When Cristina tells her, Meredith doesn't ask her why she changed her mind or if it's what she really wants, she simply talks about how the baby can play with Zola. Nobody can see that she's fading away, can see the blanket of hopelessness that's smothering her.
Cristina can't fake a smile, can't even pretend to care. The life she wanted has changed at the hands of everybody else.
It isn't easy 'growing up' and it isn't easy to let go.
It isn't easy to be excited when Owen tells her that he's been asked to act as Chief of Surgery. Staring into his intense blue eyes, he can tell that she's disappointed by her reaction, that he expected more out of her. He always wants more from her and she's too damn tired to give it.
When she asks about the baby, he gets defensive, says that this can't change her mind. That it won't disrupt their lives together. When she asks about who's going to raise the baby when he's busy being Chief of Surgery and she's trying to be a surgeon. He only responds that they'll make it work.
Though she's given up, giving up, everything for him, one simple request – turn them down – and his answer exactly what she knew it would be.
The first time he told her to get out, this time she leaves of her own accord.
It's easier than she thought it would be.
The waiting room is empty this time, save for Cristina.
A special exception for an urgent appointment. The doctor calls her back, explains the procedure and offers drugs to help her relax. She refuses, knowing that she doesn't have a number to call, a point of contact unless circumstances become dire.
The doctor works and it isn't pain that she feels, sadness or sorrow – should would have felt more guilt for carrying a child that she never wanted and to some degree would always resent, even if it were unintentional – instead she feels free.
It isn't easy realizing that she's wasted so much of her life, made so many mistakes – but with that realization comes the knowledge that things will change and that she still has a chance at the life that she wants, the life that she has always wanted.
It's that realization that will make moving on from Seattle easy.
-fin