Warning: This is extreamly stupid.
Reason for the general stupidity of what you are about to read? Well, it started life as a Role Play between two rather bored individuals.
A self insert Role Play.
Run now whilst you still can.
For those select few who are still here let me explain further: Jason and myself, in a fit of bordom, decided to insert ourselves into the Homestuck universe via a role play in order to generally take the piss out of normal self insertion Tropes and/or annoy as many Canon characters as possible.
This Role Play, as it stands whilst I write this, is now 122 pages long and is so hilarious that we simply HAD to share.
This is the first ten pages, I tried finding an area for a natural break but due to the winding nature of the damned thing I can't seem to find any. So I decided that, whatever, I'll just upload it ten pages at a time.
Rated T for language, sexual themes (Though nothing explicit) and general sillyness.
Enter name
Name: CRAZY MCFUCKLORD
Very funny, try again.
Name: CHANTAL POTTER
Your name is CHANTAL POTTER and you are IN NO WAY RELATED TO WIZARDS OF A FICTIONAL REPRESENTATION. You've lost count of how many times you've been asked that and it isn't even funny anymore.
You have a number of HOBBIES, including collecting merchandise pertaining to ROBOTS WHICH CHANGE SHAPE. You always throw out the box, even though it may be of value later, because TOYS ARE MENT TO BE PLAYED WITH.
You are also interested in WEBCOMICS WHICH ARE FREQUENTLY UPDATED to the point of CRAZY OBSESSION even though you only stared reading them a few months ago.
You enjoy taking part in ROLE PLAYS OF THE SELF INSERTION VARIETY but are smart enough to know that THIS WILL NEVER REALLY HAPPEN. You do this with your GROUP OF CLOSE FRIENDS, who you communicate with OVER THE INTERNET because they LIVE IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TIMEZONE. These often keep you up ALL NIGHT resulting in your SLEEPING IN ALL DAY. Your family is concerned for your general health, but you DO NOT SEE THE PROBLEM.
You are extremely interested in the concept of TROLL ROMANCE and have been wanting to partake in it, even though YOU ARE NOT A TROLL and THIS IS STUPID.
What will you do?
Chantal: Call Jason.
Enter Name
Name: LAZY IDIOT
Haha, that was pretty true, but no.
Name: JASON FOX
Your name is JASON FOX and you are nowhere near as clever or awesome as your name implies you might be. However, RED CANINE CREATURES WITH SOFT BUSHY TAILS are one of your favorite animals, which has nothing to do with your name.
Many people think you sound like a FEMALE, but you very much REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT IT, and this is very much okay with you.
You have a very limited number of HOBBIES, which include PUTTING PENCILS TO PAPER TO CREATE ART, LISTENING TO WELL CALCULATED SOUNDS FOR PLEASURE, and WALKING THE TWO STEPS TO YOUR COMPUTER AND SITTING ON IT ALL DAY.
Like Chantal, you also enjoy WEBCOMICS (you read about thirty of them) and ROLEPLAYING, mostly of the DRAMA and EROTIC genres. You do this with RANDOM PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE INTERNET and A FEW OF YOUR FRIENDS, because the rest of your friends think you're WEIRD.
You STAY UP ALL NIGHT, SLEEP ALL DAY, and EAT TOO MUCH. You are also very LAZY and have an unsightly obsession with SHORT, NUBBY HORNED TROLLS and their related QUADRANTS.
What will you do?
Jason: Answer Chantal.
"Morning Jason... That is to say evening... Okay, it's the middle of the night."
"Good... evening... since it's late like always and I'm probably not going to end up sleeping."
"Or... doing much of anything, really."
Jason: Grin.
Chantal: Roll your eyes.
"You're the one who's eight hours behind me."
You casually flick your mic for emphasis before yawning and sitting forward slightly.
"So shall we get to that Role Play? I suppose we kind of need to think of HOW our inevitably cliché self inserts will end up in The Medium in the first place."
"Eh. That's simple. We do the most unbelievably cliché and retarded thing ever. We either are trolls who get to hang with the troll bros or we play a game of Sburb."
You grin like an ass and snigger.
"Unless you can think of an actually good way to get our unbelievably cliché self-inserts into The Medium where we'll inevitably end up annoying and or falling in love with any of the canon characters for the lulz."
"Oh clearly there's some sort of space-time bullshit that happens because of a paradox and randomly pulls us through our computers into The Medium right now with no warning."
You laugh at the idea. That would be so stupid. There is no way in hell that could happen. Ever. At all.
Initiate space-time bullshit.
...
This is stupid.
Jason: Be confused.
You look around and are incredibly confused by what just happened. There's a pause before you reach up, your palm connecting with your face with a nice accompanying thwack sound.
"This is so stupid... But, hey, it works."
Chantal Take stock of the situation.
"Oh Jeeze... So where do you think we are? Human session or Troll session?"
You look around at the grey dreary walls and eye up the Transportaliser in the four small corridors, as well as the one right in the middle of the room.
"Troll session."
Jason: Shrug.
"Well, I don't mind. I find the Troll session to be a lot more fun and interesting, in my opinion."
There's an awkward pause and you look around, biting your lip.
"Well, unless we're far into it. Then I would much rather not be here."
Chantal: Light bulb.
"Well, if I'm right THAT Transportaliser should lead into the hub room where everyone SHOULD be if we are in the IDEAL timeframe in which to be here."
A genius idea forms in your mind.
"Who says we jump through and scare the crap out of everyone?"
Jason: This Is Stupid.
"I think that that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. They're a bunch of violent, insane aliens who have never properly seen a human in their lives up until... however long ago considering our potential place in the time line. This is incredibly dangerous and we could be killed."
You proceed to be very sternface and survey your surroundings before looking down at yourself thoughtfully.
"I'm down with it if we're not old farts anymore."
Chantal: Do that thing you suggested.
You walk over to the Transportaliser and step on, instantly vanishing and reappearing in the middle of the hub room. Sure enough, everyone is there. Keeping your head down as best you can, you sneak up behind Karkat and look over his shoulder at his computer screen.
"Hey Karkat, what are you doing?"
Jason: Connect your palm and face and follow Chantal.
"I should be intimidated, but I'm not. Hooray for emotional apathy!"
This is amusing to you because you say this with no enthusiasm whatsoever. Curiously, you follow behind your friend and shoot Karkat an awkward smile.
"Uh, sorry, man. Didn't mean to freak you out."
Jason: Be Karkat.
You WERE talking to your Moirail, who is an idiot, when out of the blue, there are suddenly unfamiliar voices behind you and they are the weirdest creatures you have ever seen. They have peachy skin and no horns and their eyes look funny.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU, AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?"
You find this very peculiar.
Chantal: Put your foot in it
"But I was hoping to freak him out!"
You get all up in Karkat's face, running you're a hand over one of his horns and otherwise poking and prodding at him.
You've never met someone you previously thought to be fictional before.
"Ooooooooohmygosh this is so cool I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!"
Chantal: Be Gamzee
"WoOoOoOoAh..."
You watch as the strange alien girl basically molests your best friend, a goofy grin on your face before you step forward and easily pick her up off him. She wiggles a bit then twists around and wraps her arms around you, a huge grin on her face.
You lift your arms up into the air and she doesn't let go. Or even look like she's thinking of letting go.
You decide that you like this girl.
Karkat: Be molested.
You splutter and flail awkwardly, blushing furiously. You have no idea why you are being randomly molested, and you are so startled you can't think of anything to say in order to make her stop. You are also incredibly grateful that Gamzee has come over to save you. Only you don't think you're being saved suddenly.
"What... the fuck..."
You turn toward the supposed male accompanying the supposed female, giving him this look, and he offers up another awkward smile, before he turns to Gamzee, eyes widening. Fuck, they almost look starstruck by the idiot.
Jason: Bounce Excitedly.
You are now staring at Gamzee because he is suddenly the most awesome and handsome thing you have ever seen and you are so gay in real life that it kind of rubs off everywhere else anyway. Shyly you kind of reach a hand up, before drawing it back, blushing and rubbing the back of your neck sheepishly.
"Um, h-hey. Uh..."
You are not impressed you sound like Tavros.
"I'm amazed because wow you're really handsome and oh my gosh, you're so cool, and I really, really want to hug you. I'm sorry, is that weird? If it is, I'll stop, I swear!"
Gamzee: react to this.
You have no way to react to this. This is out there even for you. You do not know these people and have never even seen anyone /like/ them in your life.
You're sure it's a miracle somehow, you just haven't figured out how.
With a slightly awkward grin you ruffle the girls hair. "UuUuUh... ThAnK yOu?"
Gamzee: Be Chantal
You have no intentions of letting go of Gamzee any time soon... until you spot Eridan over in the corner. You are suddenly filled with righteous fury and release Gamzee like he's suddenly made of hot coals, marching over to Eridan and slapping him. Hard.
Karkat: Approach Gamzee.
You approach Gamzee and give him a really awkward look. You are extremely confused as to what exactly is going on. You cast a glance over toward the male and act very suspicious of his presence, poking him before drawing back, curious as to whether or not he was actually real or not.
"What the fuck are you?"
Jason: Be prodded.
You are quite curious about the fact that Karkat is touching you. You are very much aware that he is not the touchy feely kind of troll, so it's almost honoring in a sense. You suddenly feel very bad for being impolite, so you offer a shy smile.
"Um, right. I'm Jason, and that's Chantal, and we're humans. I would explain how we got here, but that would involve a long-winded explanation about the origin of our species and strange time and space related shenanigans. But, basically, where we're from you are all celebrities of sorts in a web comic that millions of people read, and we are suddenly greeted with your presences which is the coolest thing ever, even though this honestly makes about as much sense as a salmon swimming in space."
Chantal: Slap fight with Eridan.
The fish boy blinks at you for a few seconds before slapping you back. You respond by slapping him again, and he slaps you in turn. You waste at least five minutes on this silliness.
Gamzee: Become extremely excited.
You are increasingly excited. You begin to bounce from foot to foot before prodding the "Human" slightly and turning to Karkat, a large grin spreading across your face.
"YoU kNoW wHaT tHiS iS, bRoThEr?"
Jason: Try desperately to ignore Chantal's silliness.
You tilt your head and try to ignore both that and the fact that handsome aliens are prodding you repeatedly in order to figure out your biology and whatnot. You take turns prodding the two of them back which earns you a raised brow from Karkat.
Karkat: Frown at Gamzee.
You take the time to alternate between frowning at your so-called best friend and the human who keeps poking you curiously with a bright, yet shy, smile. He seems quite fond of you. Ignoring him for several moments, you take the time to converse with Gamzee.
"I can't read your fucking mind, idiot. But apparently this is a human. Whoop de fucking do. It's here, this is weird, and as the leader I don't know what the fuck to do. We can't just get rid of them. Well, we could..."
Jason: Wince.
"Um... Please don't."
Gamzee: Say what you're thinking.
You do just that.
"It'S a MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe!"
Chantal: Just scream at him already.
You do so. Incoherently. Before turning to walk away. He stares after you before leaning over to whisper to Feferi. "I think she hates me..."
You hear this and freeze, your nostrils flare and you about turn, march back over him and slam your knee where you suspect it will hurt the most.
"Listen here, Pako. I hate you with the red hot intensity of a thousand suns, but you're out of luck, because humans don't HAVE black romance."
You walk away once again, leaving the poor boy in a pained little pile on the floor.
Karkat: There are no words.
You are KARKAT VANTAS, and there are no words to describe the vaguely irritated feeling you are currently being doused with at the moment. You should have seen that answer coming, you really should have, but that does not make you feel any better. On the contrary, you actually feel a lot worse. You really want to strangle Gamzee. Now that that's a new thing or anything...
"...Why do I talk to you? Seriously. Why the fuck do I talk to you? You know what you should do, Gamzee?" You lean right up close to his stupidly smiling face and proceed to scream at him. "YOU SHOULD SHOVE YOUR STUPID FUCKING CLUBS DOWN YOUR THROAT AND CHOKE ON THEM!"
Jason: Scratch your chin thoughtfully.
You look over at Chantal and grin. You are more than aware that humans do, in fact, have the capacity for black romance, but you're not going to mention this because that would just completely ruin the moment. So, instead, you merely gently pull Karkat away by his shoulder and offer Gamzee a mildly apologetic smile.
"Uh, Karkat..?" You ignore the snarky reply. "You... um... I know you're an ass, but... uh... You don't have to scream. I mean..." You blush and rub the back of your neck awkwardly.
"It is kind of a miracle."
Chantal: Jump on Gamzee's back.
You run up to Gamzee from behind and launch yourself onto his back, wrapping your arms around his neck and resting your chin on the top of his head, between his horns. He staggers slightly before instinctively hooking his arms under your legs to hold you up.
Piggyback X1 Combo.
"Of course it's a miracle! We were just sat at our computers wondering how awesome it would be to be in the world of our favorite webcomic, and then suddenly here we are! That sort of shit is NOT supposed to happen. Ever."
Gamzee: Grin at your new friends.
These kids are alright. You like them!
All other trolls: Stare at the humans.
Karkat: Dislike being ignored.
You are very much annoyed by how little attention you are being granted. You are the all important leader, and as soon as these stupid humans come into play, there's suddenly a huge surge of interest and you are this stupid, short, nubby thing that is getting no attention at all, no matter how amazingly important you are. You are about to open your mouth and complain when you suddenly have a smiling Jason in your face and you are being hugged, which causes you to blush and flail.
"WHAT THE FUCK!"
Jason: Pay attention to Karkat.
You pull back and hold him at arm's length, smiling brightly. "Sorry, Captain! Didn't mean to get carried away, there. I'm sure you have all sorts of intelligent leader-like things to say, don't you?"
Karkat: Be speechless.
Once you are done, look to the ground and mumble irritably because you have nothing to say to that. Well, you do, but all of your anger is now completely misdirected and you are quite confused by the kindness you are suddenly being shown. It is incredibly strange to you.
"Of course I do. I'm not a fucking idiot, unlike you."
Chantal: Have a shocking revelation.
"Oh shit, I just had a thought. We should probably try to AVOID screwing up the timeline unless we want to be doomed."
This revelation is extremely shocking. Even though it's not.
"Kanaya, shouldn't you be sawing off Tavros's legs right now?"
Jason: Awkwardly Interrupt.
"Uh, Chantal...?" You shove your hands in your pockets, avoiding touching your fabulous leader any longer, before leaning over and whispering: "Judging by our timing, Karkat hasn't fallen asleep, yet. So they haven't met the kids, which means Tavros' legs aren't going to get cut off yet, which means that... um... I don't know, but obviously we're just a touch early, yeh..?"
Tavros: Be horrified.
"Uh, what do you mean my legs are going to get cut off!" You look over at Kanaya, fidgeting. "P-please don't cut off my legs... I, um, like them even if they are, uh... useless..."
Chantal: Blabber about future shit and shred the timeline.
"No, but, It was Kanaya sawing off Tavros's legs that caused Karkat to pass out in the first place. Then Jack destroyed Prospit and killed everyone there, Terezi got the Boondolars from Dave... I'm sure I pronounced that wrong... Then jack destroys Dares, Karkat bans everyone from sleeping and things start falling to shit. And it all starts with flying brown blood."
Smooth.
Jason: Twitch.
"...I think the whole point of me telling you that was to avoid fucking up the timeline."
You proceed to connect your palm with your face and sigh at length until you pull back, snapping your fingers and grinning. You have an idea. "Hey! Even though we're now completely doomed, it means that things aren't going to shit anymore! At best we'll all get killed by Jack and we don't have to worry about Gamzee going on a killer rampage or anything to that effect. Which is good, because Horrorstuck made me sad..."
Proceed to realize you have also fucked up on some level.
Karkat: Do not even.
"...What."
Gamzee: Twitch.
"WoA, wOa, WhAt? I wOuLd NeVeR..."
Chantal: Quite now whilst you're ahead.
"You know what? I think I'm just going to go cuddle up to Tavros before I say anything else stupid. Like how Vriska kill him then goes on a Guilt Trip, or how Eridan kills Feferi and Kanaya as well as asploading the matri... orb... I'll shut up now."
You hop off of Gamzee's lap and go cuddle up to Tavros, weather he likes it or not.
Kanaya: He did WHAT!
You are now Kanaya. You hiss and put a protective arm around the safelocked Matriorb still contained within your Chastity Modus, narrowing your eyes in Eridan's direction but still a little unsure of whether or not you should believe the strange alien girl.
Jason: Double Facepalm.
"We are such fucking dumbasses. I don't even."
Tavros: Twitch and bury yourself in the pretty human girl, looking warily at both Kanaya and Vriska.
"...Um..."
Karkat: Take Charge.
You growl. "Okay, so, you're telling me that my whole team basically fucks itself up and there's nothing that we can do to stop this shit from happening. And since we now know what's happening, we've basically ended up on a timeline doomed to all fucking hell and that's all there is to it." You are not impressed, and the flinch and nod you receive in response don't make your mood any better. "And now we're all looking at each other like we don't know who's going to start all of this hoofbeast shit. Great. Congratufuckinglations."
Jason: Flinch again.
"Um... with all due respect, Karkat..." You hope you aren't going to fuck up any more. "It beats there only being, what, six trolls left alive at best? Even if this is a doomed timeline, at least we might be able to figure out how to stop your species from dying out. Or something. I guess. Fuck, we might be able to make this work. I like Gamzee too much to watch him turn into that... thing."
Chantal: Totally take advantage of the fact that Tavros is using you as a human shield to get some serous fangirling done.
"Oooooooh my Gosh you are so awesome. And adorable. And Awesome. 3"
This is extremely stupid.
Aradia: Be the Maid of Time.
Of course you are the Maid of Time. You always were the Maid of Time and you never stopped being the Maid of Time. This is a silly thought and you will not entertain the notion any longer.
You will, however, attempt to talk some sense into the situation.
"If I may; It is p0sible that this timeline became d00med simply fr0m y0ur presence here in the first place, if what y0u say is true. An0ther p0sibility is that this is, in fact, the Alpha Timeline and that y0u were meant t0 c0me here and explain these things s0 that we may prevent them fr0m ever happening. It will be hard t0 tell with0ut waiting f0r whatever happens next t0 happen."