Pain of Command
I take my seat on the bridge; glance around, furtive. Paranoid? Probably, but it's only to be expected. All is normal. Deep space…warp speed…the stars are like lights. Hundreds, impossible to count. How many lights are there? No, I can no sooner count the stars than name them. No more pain… How many lights are there? I do not want to remember, I want to wipe it from my mind, forget… the humiliation, the pain…
I don't know anymore! I don't know how many lights there were… there were four, I know there were four… but they couldn't have been… five lights… no…
"THERE ARE—FOUR—LIGHTS!"
"I don't know how you can be so mistaken." Pain. Screaming. Convulsions.
"Let's try again. How many lights are there?"
Lights. In and out of focus, so much pain, I don't know anymore, bright, too bright, pain…
How many lights are there?
…How many lights are there?
I don't know anymore. Four lights, that's what I said—but there are five, I know there are five, there have to be five…pain… I can't stand any more pain. Beverly…who is Beverly? How many lights are there? Pain…bright…lights, how many lights?
"What lights?"
No, no more pain, make it stop, no, no…
"There are five lights." The voice, unbelievably, still perfectly calm... "How many lights are there, Picard?"
"Picard…you called me…Picard…"
"How many lights are there?" Pain…
"THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!" But are there really? Doubt… uncertainty… how many lights are there, truly? How many lights?
I don't know, don't remember…no, I don't want to remember. Too much pain…
"Sir?" It is Riker, he is looking at me, concerned. Maybe none of it's real…a dream…I'll wake up back there…
I speak as if from a distance, unconnected to myself: "You have the bridge, number one. I'll be in my ready room." Normal words, painless words.
"Yes, sir." He doesn't know. Doesn't know what I went through, what I am still going through. No one can know.
The stars are like lights…
I stumble into my ready room. Where is my fish? I need my fish, my fish helps me think…
The stars are like lights…
How many…?
I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY LIGHTS THERE ARE! Pain… STOP! NO! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Sir!" No, I have spoken aloud, no… "Are you all right, sir?"
"Fine." Mutter, make him go away, make it stop, no…
"Do you need sickbay?"
"No!" Beverly…I deserted her, betrayed her…I forgot her, too much pain, Beverly… "Four lights…"
"Sir?"
"No—not sickbay." Head down, don't look at him, make him go away. I'm the captain, for the love of God GO AWAY!
"He needs medical attention."
"Must be an aftereffect of what happened on Cardassia…"
"Sickbay…"
"Stretcher…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Not sickbay, not Beverly, please no, no more pain, no more lights, no…
No…
"Jean-Luc?"
Beverly…
"Beverly…"
Beverly…"Come on. Get to sickbay." She doesn't know, doesn't know what I've done to her, she doesn't know…
I killed Jack…my fault…Beverly…
How many lights?
How many shadows?
How many shades of grey?
A hypospray…everything going dark…no more lights…
Light, throughout history, universally, has always been a sign of hope. Now it is a constant reminder of my own helplessness, my own humiliation.