One night Roger the alien was slouched back against a chair in his attic, half-asleep, and drunk. He slowly forced his body
up, and attempted to gain better posture. He saw his computer in front of him on his desk.
"Maybe I'll play chess against Bobby Glitcher one of my personas who's great at virtual chess!" thought Roger. Then he
decided against it.
"I think I'll check my email!" said Roger, turning on his computer and connecting to the Internet. He wondered which email
address he would use.
"I have so many personas with so many email addresses its hard to keep track. Who was I when I married that green space
chick?" wondered Roger. He then remembered who he had been.
"Oh yeah, I was Roger Fricking Smith, the deadbeat dude who's always drunk" said Roger.
So, Roger checked his email.
"Four unread messages. Okay, let's see here, this ones from a human, this ones from a spam bot, this ones from a can of
spam meat that was brought to life with magic pixie dust, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin, heh, Sarah again, oh, this ones from an
old girlfriend, this ones from an old boyfriend..and this one is from a girl who came from space! AHA, it's Orla, my old flame"
said Roger, clicking on the email.
The email read:
Hi Roger, it's Orla. Orla the Mystical.
Things got pretty far out with that whole scenario that played out last time we met. But I feel like I owe you another visit,
because you saved my life when my ship crashed. I'll be flying over Langley Falls again, today, hovering over the local
health food store. Try to stay off the alcohol, and think positive thoughts. See ya there, that is, if you think you're ready for me! ;)
Love, XOXO,
Orla the Mystical ET, not to be confused with Barbara Eden from I Dream of Jeannie, or Elizabeth Montgomery who played Samantha on Bewitched
Roger printed out the letter, then began racing around in circles all wide-eyed.
"Oh my god, oh my god," said Roger, running downstairs frantically to confront Stan and Haylee.
"Hey, guys, Orla wrote to me again! Maybe she can even buy me a new wig!" yelled Roger. But Stan and Haylee were just too busy arguing politics.
"This is crazy," said Haylee. "I don't even support either party anymore! I'm simply reasonable about these things. I just think
that if a pop star wants to marry a pineapple he shouldn't have to fly all the way to Scotland to do it! I swear, it's in the constitution somewhere!" she added.
"You know Haylee, it was us Republicans that gave you ladies all your civil rights. And to this day I still wonder why we did
that!" yelled Stan. Then his eyes widened.
"I've got it. The new movement of the ages. The PPP. The Peoples Prejudiced Party!" declared Stan.
"All those prejudices of yours are based on false assumptions!" yelled Haylee.
"Not all of them Haylee, just...ninety nine percent of them! Don't be so prejudiced against prejudiced people!" said Stan, sobbing and pounding the floor with his fist.
Haylee ran up to her room. Then she saw that Roger had left a note:
"Meet me at the health food store. Orla's gonna be there!"
Signed - The Raj Popper AKA Roger
Meanwhile...
"Weeee! Ride em cowboy!" said Orla, as Roger pushed a cart with her inside of it.
"I could use ten more energy drinks and a power bar! How about you Roger Popper?" asked Orla.
"Oh yeah, definately! We are going to totally WRECK this store!" said Roger.
"Teehee! You're so funny!" said Orla giggling happily.
"I'm gonna buy some beer now!" said Roger in a jovial tone.
"Oh no you're not!" said Orla, tickling Roger.
"Okay, you're gonna have to stop that Orla, cuz my left glocknoid feels way, way too good right now, and we're in public" said Roger, wide-eyed.
Ten minutes later, Haylee shows up at the health food store.
"Well, this is the place, The Tofu Tower. Funny, I don't remember this place. Roger should be here any second!" said Haylee.
Haylee looked at her watch. Roger still hadn't shown up. Haylee tried to look as if she was buying some cheese. An old
lady walked by, and paused to look at Haylee. She burped loudly, and for an extended period of time, then put some tea
and cookies in her grocery cart and set about on her merry way.
"Well, that was certainly strange," thought Haylee.
"Yes, Haylee, it was. That was all a hologram! You're not really in a health food store" said a voice that sounded suspiciously
like Roger.
A few seconds later...
Haylee found herself on a spaceship being piloted by Orla and Roger.
"I'm being kidnapped!" yelled Haylee.
"Nahh," said Roger. "The Mrs and I just like to give people free rides sometimes! Besides, you came voluntarily" said Roger.
"Well, yeah, on your phony pretext that I was going to a health food store. I could have bought a power bar, or a new
headband for crying out loud!" protested Haylee.
"Teehee," giggled Orla. "Who wants an Izzy?" she asked. Orla was a cute blonde fun loving green alien hybrid girl, who posessed the charm and seduction of Catwoman, the adventurous instincts of Lara Croft, the goofiness and magic of Barbera Eden and Lucille Ball, along with the kind doll-like innocence of Shirley Temple.
"I'll have an Izzy I guess. But just the thought of Jeff being lost in space makes me wanna be shot out of an air lock, so I can
be lost with him" said Haylee.
"That sounds like a good idea" said Roger, reaching for the eject button. Orla stopped him in the nick of time.
"Don't do mean things," said Orla, crying. "Be good!" she added.
"Well, excuse me princess, it was Haylee's own idea" said Roger.
"We can look for Jeff soon," said Orla. "But first, let's have some fun and sneak into Area 52 and set all the prisoners free!"
"Now, that's a plan. But the Smith family will miss me when I'm gone! And how will we get in?" asked Roger.
"These magical headbands that contain gemstones in the center will enable us to go by the guards undetected" said
Orla, handing out magic gemstones and headbands.
"If only my heart wasn't still bleeding for Jeff, then I'd know who really understands me" said Haylee, clutching the
gemstone Orla gave her.
"Hey, Haylee, if Roger ever tries to drink any alcohol on our way, you and me will stop him okay?" said Orla.
"Deal!" replied Haylee.
Later...
It turned out the magic headbands had lost all their charge by the time the trio reached Area 52, (the place where they
keep spaceships, Area 51 was just for top secret planes). So Orla took all of Roger's old ninja/latex biker outfits and covered
them in magical alien ooze that made them undetectable, and completely indistinguishable from any of the guards.
"Identificaton please," said a guard.
"Here's your hot Mocha, big boy! And your crispy creme donut and Barbie Girl Aqua CD! Teehee!" giggled Orla, mischeviously.
"You're now clear to enter the base," said the dimwitted guard who had clearly fallen under Orla's spell.
LATER at the cloning facility.
"We're gonna need to clone me so that none of my personas feel left out, and so that no one misses me, or my
personas" said Roger.
"Can't you just bilocate?" asked Orla.
"I lost that ability after I married Staneul's mother" said Roger.
"Oh, well, okay!" said Orla. Orla cloned Roger many times, then quadrupled the amount of clones tenfold.
"That should do it! Super!" said Orla, giving the cloned Rogers a thumbs up. She gathered some into a corner.
"Now you will be the ambassadors who will stay on Earth! Be good, boys!" said Orla. Then she gathered another pack of
wild Rogers into another corner.
"You guys will be the Galactic Federation of Rogers who will sit above the planet and make sure all the Earth rogers live in
peace" said Orla.
"A United Rogers Security Council? This sounds like a really dumb idea" said Haylee.
Then, to determine which clone was the real Roger, Orla kissed each Roger on the cheek. The one that recognized her
would be the real Roger.
"Hahaa, that tickled like a Metsopatamian spagetti covered maple leaf!" said Roger, after Orla kissed him.
"Oh yeah, that's him!" said Haylee.
With that, Orla, Roger, and Haylee, blasted into space in search of fun and adventure.
Meanwhile, Stan and Francine are watching TV at home.
"Stan have you seen Roger?" asked Francine.
"He got an email from one of his space chick girlfriends. He and his girlfriend and our daughter blasted off into space"
said Stan.
"Oh, I see. They're probly just looking for Jeff or something right honey?" said Francine. Stan shrugged.
"You know Francine, this is amazing, one of my liberal buddies down at HQ who I used to never get along with actually thinks my party for Prejudiced people is a good idea! He says prejudiced people are completely unrepresented and discriminated against due to prejudices against them" said Stan.
"Oh, god Stan, now finally we can teach that little bastard Butters from South Park a lesson. He never wants to say ANYTHING bad about anyone, and won't even use foul language. That inconsiderate little jerk doesn't seem to realize that not all of us are saintly tolerant people" said Francine. Stan just stopped and stared into space.
"I'm sorry Francine, what were you saying?" asked Stan.
"Wait a minute, earlier in this conversation you told me Haylee was up in space, haylee up in space? OH MY GOD, Stan aren't you worried?" yelled Francine.
"Nope, not really! Maybe she can marry Jeff and live on the moon and start a family of space worms. I'd be happy for our little girl!" said Stan. Francine pulled out a frying pan and thwacked Stan over the head.
"Right, I'll uhh, go to Area 51 and try to get this resolved!" said Stan.
"NOW! For pete sake, what are you watching?" yelled Francine. Suddenly Stan looked as if he was under a trance. Then
he stormed out the door.
"MUST SAVE THE CARE BEARS! FOR PROJECT CAREBEAR! Project Carealot, away!" yelled Stan.
"Hmm, boys and their cia care bear trigger words" Francine said to herself.
Back at CIA HQ:
"Aliens have invaded Earth. And they all look identical. But they're all assuming the identities of ordinairy people. Fishermen, movie directors, accountants, legal defense attorneys, even our own agents could be aliens. I of course have always been a diabolical donut person from Uranus planning to conquer Earth, but most of you already knew that. We are now on high alert!" said Bullock.
"Do you have a way to capture them?" asked one of the agents.
"Yes. Project CareBear is a brain control operation that will program its victim into being able to detect aliens of our targeted species. Once Stan, our victim is subject to its full effects, he will tackle and mame and bring down the martians and force them to surrender to truth, justice, and the American way!" explained Bullock.
Meanwhile, in space:
"Just got a message from my supervisor. Some of the devices and ancient magic artifacts that help keep the universe in one piece went missing! They used to all be locked up in Suite Z9x on my home planets mothership, but they've gone missing again!" said Orla, crying.
"Oh wow, it sounds just like Warehouse 13, only in space. This time it might actually be good" said Roger devouring cookies.
"Put those ginger snaps down. Let's face it, you're addicted to cookies" said Orla.
To be continued...For reals...