Come, picture the scene, my friends, and allow me, if you will, to transport you into another world, a world of fantasy and fiction, a time and place when reality becomes the imaginary in an instant and where nothing is impossible…
A girl sits in front of her computer, the glow from its screen the only light in the otherwise darkened room. The girl has short hair and glasses. This, my friends, is the legendary Charlz, authoress extraodinaire. She is surprisingly awake, considering it is half past four in the morning. A bottle of coke stands nearly empty on the desk beside her; possibly the reason for her surprising alertness and sporadic giggles.
Suddenly four figures appear in the room with her. She does not notice.
One of the figures, trying not to laugh, touches a wand to her hair, which is now bright blue.
"George!" says one of the other people, and the girl turns around suddenly.
"Oh…my…" She reaches up and switches on the light, strangely calm considering that four strange blokes have just apparated into her living room.
"Who the hell are….Fred and George Weasley? You do realise you…"
"…don't exist!" the twins finish in unison. "Look, we know," one continues. "Damn it, we've been in so many of these things, and every time we've been told we don't exist…"
"Does nothing for a guy's self confidence, you know…" the other adds.
"Oh shut up," says another of the figures, elbowing the twins out of the way. It is none other than a young Sirius Black, accompanied by Remus Lupin. He kneels down before the girl, who is standing now and still hasn't noticed that her hair is blue.
"I doth pledge mine services to thee, oh fair and gracious lady, and whatever thine bidding, that shalt I undertake with the lightest of hearts…"
Charlz looks at the bottle of coke on the desk, evidently wondering if she got the wine by mistake again.
"Er…yeah, whatever."
"Ignore him," Remus says, his eyes twinkling. "He's terminally insane. You're NOT CADOGAN, PADFOOT! Oh, and your hair Charlz….George…well, he…it's…"
Charlz walks to a mirror.
"Oh my god! Turn it back, now!" turning on both the twins, not sure which one did this to her.
"OK, hang on," says the offending Weasley, and produces a wand from inside his robes.
"Oh, hey, actually," says Charlz, "I kind of like it! It's very…me."
The twins both breathe a sigh of relief.
"They didn't know how to change it back anyway!" Remus says, not entirely helpfully.
"What the hell are you doing here anyway? Not that I'm not glad you're here, but, I mean, none of you exist….except you, Remus," Charlz says. "I always knew you were real and that one day we'd fall in love and get married and….er, yeah…anyway."
"Well it's not our fault!" says Sirius. "Who's writing this bloody thing? Not us, I think you'll find…"
"Oh, hey yeah. Oh cool, so, I can get ANYONE I WANT here?" she asks, brandishing a wand that suddenly appeared in her hand. "COOL! ELLIE! FRAJMO! ACCIO FRIENDS!"
"No, no," says Remus, "That's not right. Look." He takes her hand holding the wand in one of his, and kind of waves it around.
"You've gotta wave the wand, like THIS!"
"OK." She tries again.
"ACCIO FRIENDS!"
"Shhhh, you'll wake your family!"
"Hey, this is my weird thought, and if I say my family won't wake up, they won't! Oh, can I make my brother not exist?"
"No," says a cold harsh voice. "I am still here."
"Hey! How did you get here?" Charlz yells at her brother. "This is MINE DAMN IT! I didn't say you could be here!"
Suddenly the room is crammed full of people. Presumably Charlz's friends. The thing is, the room's really teeny and they can't all fit in.
"HEY!" Charlz yells. "There's no space! Get lost! Except, er…you, Ellie, Liz and…where's Frej?"
All the people have gone except a small blonde girl and a really tall, also blonde, girl.
"Dunno. Hey, what's going on here? Hey, Sirius Black! Coool! Sirius, I love you!"
"Er, excuse me?" says the smaller girl. "Oh cool hair Charlz. Where were we? Oh yeah! He's mine!" Sirius backs into a corner and looks scared while Charlz's best mates argue over whose he is.
"Oh well NOBODY FIGHT OVER US THEN!" say the Weasley twins, looking hurt, and are ignored by everyone.
"OH SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE!" Charlz yells. Everyone looks scared now.
"Sorry," she says, quietly. "Just hang on a sec, I'm trying to argue with my brother!" She gestures her brother. Strange looking bloke with narrow red eyes he is.
"That's not your brother, that's Voldemort!" Remus shouts. There is a loud crack and Dobby appears on the coffee table.
"Speak not the name, sir, ah speak not the name!" he moans, covering his ears, and with another crack he has gone.
After that brief interlude, everyone turns back to the more pressing problem. That is, that Charlz's brother is, in fact, Voldemort.
"OH MY GOD!" she shrieks. "MY BROTHER IS VOLDEMORT!"
Once more Dobby appears.
"Speak not the name!"
And once more he is gone.
Suddenly, panic ensues as everyone realises that they're in a small room with the most evil wizard ever.
Remus wraps his arms around Charlz.
"I'll protect you," he mutters, looking into her eyes. Everything stops, and everyone has gone. Music is playing from somewhere in the distance and they are left alone in the centre of the room…Remus leans down and…
"Oh this is STUPID!" Charlz says. Remus looks hurt. "Not that I don't want to, you know," she assures him. "I am in love with you and all. It's just that, well, I've just discovered that my brother is Voldemort!"
Dobby appears with a crack. This is getting kind of annoying.
"Ah! Speak not the name!"
And yet again, he's gone.
Charlz blinks, shakes her head slightly and continues. "Anyway, and then there's all this stupid time stopping and music playing…it's kind of, well…stupid. Later, OK?"
Remus nods.
"Hey, come back everyone!" he says. Everyone comes back.
"Hey, where's Voldemort?" says Ellie. "Wasn't he here a minute ago?"
Dobby appears with a crack.
"DON'T EVEN BOTHER!" everyone screams at him.
Dobby sits down and glares mutinously at Charlz. She, and everyone else present, looks around for signs of her ex-brother.
"I just don't get it!" she is muttering. "Why didn't he tell me? We could have got counselling! We could have gone on Trisha and she could have given us completely stupid and irrelevant advice! Oh my god, my brother is Voldemort. My brother is Voldemort! And he's in my house and he's going to kill us all! What will we do? Oh, what will we do?"
Remus takes her hand.
"Look, don't worry. We can put him in a room with Gilderoy Lockhart (or perhaps David Lea – the question is, which is worse…) for an hour or two! They can finish each other off!"
"Hey! Why didn't I think of that!" Charlz says, smiling at him. Just then, Fred, or George, spots Voldemort sitting cross-legged under the dining table, eyes closed, meditating.
"What is he DOING?" Sirius wonders out loud.
"I heard that," Voldemort says. "I am discovering my inner self. It's great, you should try it," he adds opening one red eye and looking at Sirius. "Join me?"
"I don't think so!"
"Oh please? PLEEEASE? PRETTY, PRETTY PLEASE?"
Sirius looks terrified. Charlz's tall friend, Liz, takes his hand and tries to calm him down, earning herself malevolent glares from Ellie.
"So," Remus starts timidly, "you aren't going to, er…murder us horribly?"
"Oh, no, no no no no brain! I mean, yes! I mean, NO! That part of my life is all in the past! I have become a new dark wizard, one who is kind, caring, loving and sharing and giving…"
Remus looks at him scornfully.
"Get lost."
"Arghhh! Arghhhh! Nooo! Where am I! I don't know where I am!"
A hard kick from Charlz shuts him up. Suddenly the phone rings. Dobby answers it.
"Hello?" he squeaks. "It's…Freyja," he says to Charlz. "She says when is she going to be in this."
"OH! Oh hey! Tell her to come round now and sorry."
Dobby squeaks this down the receiver.
"Hey, Dobby," says Voldemort from under the table. "Want to join me in my new life? Feel like a spiritual journey? We can travel this world, learning from nature and preparing for the next." Everyone gives him sceptic looks. "It's the key to wisdom, to understanding, to knowing who we are and what we are here for!" he says.
"Oh, alright then," says Dobby.
"Grrooooovvy, baby!" says Voldemort. He clicks his fingers and a psychadellic camper van appears in the living room.
"Whoa! Cool van!" says Charlz.
"We should get a van and travel the world," says Remus, kissing her neck.
"Look, honey, later alright?"
Remus looks disgruntled.
"Our van would be better than that," he mutters.
"Wanna bet?"
"Er…no," says Remus, remembering Voldemort's old, evil self.
"I was once the most powerful man on this planet!" Voldemort begins to sing, to the tune of Dark of the Night from Anastasia.
"Out of all the dark wizards they feared me the most!
But now I'm as docile and sweet as a…docile-and-sweet-thiiinng!"
Most people are covering their ears. Sirius, daring to uncover his and go nearer, holds a wand to Voldie's throat.
"Stop. Singing," he says. He really can be quite threatening.
Voldie looks scared. He's stopped singing, thankfully for humankind. Sirius removes the wand and everyone uncovers their ears as Voldie and Dobby start stuffing stuff into a gigantic suitcase. All of a sudden, Madame Maxime materialises.
"Ey!" she says loudly. "Zat is my zootkess! Now do I know where az it gone to! You haz stole my neauveau zootkess! Zat is faairy rude!"
"Get lost!" Dobby, up to Madame Maxime's ankle, squeaks at her.
"Arghhh! Help! Where am I?"
"Oh shut up. We've had that one today! Go away!"
Madame Maxime goes away. Charlz feels she is rapidly losing control of the situation.
Voldemort and Dobby are prepared to get into the van and leave when Hermione appears. She walks around to the back of the van.
"Alohomora!" she says, tapping the door handles with her wand. The back doors spring open and stage smoke pours out from inside.
Hermione turns to them. Sirius and Liz are, er…getting to know each other on the dining table. Ellie is staring at Hermione, with that expression that says "huh?". Charlz and Remus have their arms wrapped around each other but are staring bewildered at Hermione. The Weasley twins are trying to set Ellie's hair on fire without her noticing. Voldie and Dobby just seem annoyed that they can't get into their van. And that it appears to be full of smoke.
"Tonight, Matthew," says Hermione with un-called-for excitement, "I am going to be Freyja Sears!" The sound of people cheering seems to be coming from inside the van as Hermione enters it and is hidden from view by the smoke. Voldie wonders how all those people got in his psychadellic campervan. Half a second later, a girl with brown hair and a slightly inane smile emerges from the van.
"Frej!" says Charlz. "Hey! Oh, look, Voldemort…" (everyone pauses, waiting for Dobby's plaintive cries begging them to speak not the name. Incidentally, they don't come) "…and Dobby are about to embark on a spiritual tour of enlightenment!"
"Cool!" says Freyja. "Can I come?" she asks Voldie, who eyes her appraisingly.
"Alright then!"
Charlz and Remus both grab one of Freyja's arms.
"She's staying here," Charlz says levelly.
Freyja struggles but eventually gives in. Voldemort and Dobby climb into the van and it disappears, leaving everyone wondering what the hell just happened.
"Hey! I wanted spiritual enlightenment too!"
"No you didn't. Trust me, I'm not a doctor!"
"You're not? OK, I trust you then."
"Hey, let's dance!" says Charlz. She switches on the stereo and sticks on the nearest CD. It's Savage Garden. One of the Weasley twins asks Freyja to dance.
"Ok," she says, and they waltz to Affirmation. The other Weasley twin slow dances with Ellie.
Another three people appear beside Remus and Charlie before they get a chance to make fools of themselves trying to dance.
"Katherine! Graham! Liesal! Hey! How did you get here? Anyway, join in the, er…wackiness! Kath, there's popcorn in the kitchen. Not enough for you, I'll wager, but anyway."
Katherine and Graham head off to the kitchen to raid the fridge.
"What's happening?" Liesal says. "These people…something's strange. Hey! They all have hair! They must be related!"
"Liesal, WHAT are you on about?"
"What did the elephant say to the trampoline?"
"I don't know," says Charlz exasperatedly. "What DID the elephant say to the trampoline?"
Liesal gives her a confused, lost child kind of look.
"I don't know. That's why I asked you!"
"Liesal, you are SOO dappy!" says Ellie. Everyone who knows Liesal and gets the far-too-long-going joke laughs hysterically while everyone else looks on in confusion.
"I'm not….oh I give up!" With a small pop, she's gone.
Sirius and Liz are no longer on the table. They seem to be under it.
"Oh, please, leave!"
Sirius and Liz disappear.
"Cool."
Remus stars talking in Swahili. Everyone else, not knowing Swahili, thinks he has gone insane. Remus, not knowing Swahili, thinks he has gone insane. Everyone laughs except Remus, who seems disturbed by the fact that he has forgotten how to speak English.
There is a small pop and Argus Filch apparates into the centre of the room.
"Alright, all of you, in my office NOW! Having fun! Oh, I'll get you for this. Laughing! Having fun, honestly!" He shakes his head, and he, along with everyone else in the room, disappears. Katherine and Graham come through from the kitchen to wonder what is going on and where everyone has gone.
And now my friends, you leave this world
Into which you were so unfairly hurled
I know you may have been rather scared
But against the insanity well you fared
You must have, for you passed the test
You didn't crack so now you can rest
After getting to the end, past all you did see
I'm sure that now you must agree
That there never was a tale that was more mad
No, stranger tales can not be had
That was the strangest in all its glory
I do hope that you liked my story
If you did, or you did not
Please write reviews, I like them a lot
I'm going now, it's the middle of the night
But remember, feed me and I write!