"Bought a ticket for a runaway train, like a mad man laughing at the rain, little out of touch little insane, it's just easier than dealing with the pain." – Soul Asylum
ONESHOT
Dean's been distant ever since the incident with Cain in the barn. His brother Sam has taken notice and ultimately he's been spending every waking moment researching a cure. Castiel doesn't remember a single moment where Sam's fingers haven't been hard at work on a computer keyboard or flipping through the old yellow and tearing pages of some lore book. Dean's done his fair share of searching for answers, but eventually he's given up. Castiel knows Dean is in a bad way.
The angel remembers the way Dean's hand touched his shoulder after the hunter had left the kitchen after the events of killing Cain. There was a twinge of emotion in it that Castiel hadn't felt coming from Dean in a long time. There was fear and need. Castiel wanted to pry, but he didn't. He simply allowed Dean to pass him before he heard Sam's fateful words that night: "Dean's in trouble."
Ever since then Castiel inhabits the bunker only when he's called upon by Sam. Dean rarely ever says his name anymore. Castiel never knows why, but he figures it's something along the lines of possible embarrassment at his condition or what he fears he will become. Castiel does not know what Cain said to Dean that night in the barn, but he can gather that it wasn't anything good. Dean builds a bigger mystery everyday it seems. He only seems to come out at night when Sam's asleep and the bunker is quiet enough so that his footsteps echo through the desolate hallways and his shadow is his only companion. Castiel never announces his presence when Dean reaches the living room where the angel seems to frequent after the younger Winchester has fallen asleep. Castiel often finds Dean in the kitchen, keeping carefully trained eyes on him as if he's expecting him to say something. Castiel, however, doesn't say anything ever. He simply moves around Dean like he's an apparition in the mist, it's like a dance of sorts. And Castiel wishes it didn't have to be this way. He wishes he could just talk to Dean about it all, but Dean never wants to talk. Sometimes Dean is the only one to do the staring when he goes for his nightly glass of whiskey before sleep where he looks over and catches Castiel moving the chess pieces on the game board set up on the coffee table. He moves them with his mind though and his hands folded over one another as he concentrates.
Most of the time, Castiel is the one watching Dean especially when the man sleeps. Dean's nightmares have returned with the furious power of a large hurricane and Castiel is reluctant to enter the man's head to stop them. So Castiel sits as Dean twitches and whimpers in his sleep for hours on end with the lights dimmed turning his bedroom a morose yellowish color and the door to his room shut tightly. Two new habits he's recently acquired since his encounter with Cain. It's as if he's trying to block the bad things from coming in. As if he doesn't trust his family to do so. Or perhaps, as Castiel has theorized, he's tasted the dark as a demon and doesn't wish to encounter it ever again. Now that he thinks on it Castiel remembers the hunter falling asleep with the light on before Cain after all.
The angel wants so badly to simply take Dean's hand and lead him to a whole new part of his mind that's not plagued by hellish nightmares, but Dean's insides are so beautifully fucked up that Castiel doesn't know if that in fact is possible right now. So the angel settles for sitting exactly next to him and watching his every breath. By the end of one week Castiel has the way Dean's chest rises and down to a tee. He has counted every freckle on the man's cheeks and knows when a new one appears. He's memorized the difference between Dean's nightmare twitches and his normal sleeping ones. He's danced along with Dean's fluttering eyelids in his own mind as the hunter sleeps. Nobody asks Castiel to do this, but he figures that in all the years he's claimed he would watch over Dean he hasn't truly had to until now and he might as well learn all of the simple functions that make Dean who he is.
Castiel knows Dean's train of thought is on a broken track right now, but as he sits and carefully slips the hunter's trembling hand into his while he slumbers he feels he is getting one step closer to making Dean himself again when Dean stops shaking almost immediately. Castiel manages a smile at this little victory and he only hopes he can mend the tracks in Dean's mind soon. He misses his charge's smile and he hopes he can teach him to smile again. After all it's the only thing keeping Castiel going from day to day.
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