WELCOME TO THE RANMA/AKANE VARIETY HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Announcer: And now, the hosts of the show, Saotome Ranma and Tendo Akane!
(Silence)
Announcer: … Saotome Ranma and Tendo Akane!
Director: …Let's get a camera back there. Follow me.
(Backstage)
Akane: Can someone please explain to me why this bozo has top billing?!
Ranma: Because nothing remotely interesting happened to you until I came along. (Preening) I'm the reason you're a star.
Akane: I'll give you stars, alright!
BAMM!!
(Ranma is seen writhing on the
floor, a director's chair lodged in his head.)
Akane: Thanks, I needed…
(Akane shrinks back as the director looms up, another chair slung over her shoulder)
Director (softly): Why do you do this to me?
Akane: …
Director: EVERY DAY YOU DO THIS, AKANE! EVERY DAY! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT?! BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU'RE DOING A FINE JOB!!!
Akane: But, Boss…
Director: NO BUTS! JUST GO OUT THERE AND DO YOUR JOB!!!!
(Akane walks out, dragging Ranma behind her.)
Akane: Sorry for the delay, folks! And now, business management with my sis, Nabiki!
Nabiki: Thanks! First off, find an idio- I mean customer. Hey, Kuno-baby!
Kuno: Yes?
Nabiki: Next, give him an offer he can't refuse. Hey Kuno, I got some more pictures of your pig-tailed girl for 3000 yen. Want 'em?
Kuno: Of course I do!! Gimme!
Nabiki: Then, just for fun, ask him something incredibly personal. Say Kuno, what do you do with those pictures?
Kuno (blushing and running off): Gotta go!
Nabiki: See you guys later. (running after Kuno) Come on babe, you can tell me!
Akane (sweatdrop): Right…
Ranma: Anyway… Not only are these next girls drop-dead gorgeous, they're also masters of the kitchen. Introducing Kasumi, Shampoo, and Ukyo!
Ukyo: Welcome! Today I'm going to show you how to make heart-shaped Okonomiyaki. (waves at Ranma)
Ranma: …
Shampoo: Why you wave at my Ranma? Anyway, it my turn.
Ukyo: Whoa, your Ranma? I traded turns with you so you could glomp my Ranma!
Kasumi: Girls, please stop, he's just a boy…
Ukyo and Shampoo: STAY OUTTA THIS!!!!
Shampoo: What you know about men? You no have man!
Ukyo: Unless you count that nerd Tofu.
(Shampoo and Ukyo laugh; Kasumi's eyes glaze over)
Akane: Kasumi is getting mad.
Ranma: So what? She's not gonna do anything.
Kasumi: HAII!!!!
(Ranma and Akane watch as Kasumi beats up the two girls)
Akane: I thought you said she wouldn't do anything.
Ranma: I guess they struck a nerve…
(Kasumi walks by, dragging the two girls behind her.)
Kasumi: If anyone wants me, I'll be at the hospital.
Akane (coughs): Well, to continue…Kuno's Love Connection will not be shown tonight…
Ranma: …because he is being chased by a blackmailing, conniving, evil woman who is even more ugly than her little sister…
SPLASH!!!!
Girl Ranma (sputtering): What didya do that for?
Akane: It's time for our segment.
Ranma: Hmmp. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for:
Ranma and Akane: ANYTHING GOES JELLO WRESTLING!!!!
Director: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Akane (thinking): I can't believe I'm going along with this…
Director: This isn't in the script. THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT!!!
Referee: The rules: hair-pulling, scratching, and fondling are A-OK!! Right, guys?
Lecherous Crowd: YEAH!!!!!
Akane: I really can't believe I'm going along with this…
Ranma: Relax, Akane, it's all about ratings.
Referee: ASSUME THE POSSITTION!
(Akane and Ranma squat)
Referee: READY!
(Akane and Ranma circle each other)
Referee: FI…
Director: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!
(Everyone freezes at the director looms up, carrying a script and looking menacing)
Director: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! DO I PAY YOU TOO MUCH?! ARE YOU PURPOSELY TRYING TO RUIN MY CAREER?!?!?!?
(Akane and Ranma look at each other, nod, and grab the director)
Director: WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU DO…
(Ranko and Akane dump the director in the jello)
Director: YOU TWO ARE SO FIRED!!!
Akane (to Ranma): Don't you think this a bad way to end every show?
Ranma: Ya gotta give the people what they want, babe.
Akane and Ranma: SEE YOU ALL NEXT WEEK!!!!!
(fade to black)