Just the Beginning
By Mickey

STORY STATUS: Completed 4/6/07

SEASON: 6

SPOILERS: Abyss, small one for Need

CONTENT LEVEL: PG

CONTENT WARNINGS: Language

WORD COUNT: 1301

AUTHORS NOTE: Well lookie here! My muse has finally decided to cooperate. I had started to work on this series as soon as "Into the Abyss" was done, then she got all stubborn and decided she wanted to work on other Stargate fic's. Not to mention my Scott (from the X-Men) muse decided to come back and play again after a very, very, long hiatus. The Mal and Dylan started to put their two cents in and I've now got a two Firefly and a few Andromeda fic's rattling around in the ole noggin. It's becoming extremely crowded, and loud, in my poor, addled brain.

"Damn it!" I bellow as I fling my arm out. "I said I'm not hungry." The nurse flinches as the tray of slop the mess passes off as food goes flying from her hand. It lands with a loud clatter and I curse under my breath. That was uncalled for.

"I'm sorry," I muttered as I pull back the sheet. Intent on helping clean up my own mess, I start to get up when a firm hand pushes me back. Sergeant Grmek, the nurse I have just been an ass to, again, is right beside me. "It's okay, sir. Just relax. I'll clean it up." I consider ignoring her and getting up anyway, but the glare she throws me halts me faster than her hand did. She'd make Janet damn proud with that look. I mumble another apology as she pats my shoulder then goes about cleaning up the mess I just made.

The Doc comes in just as Grmek mops up the last of the mush. She sighs and shakes her head. There's no need for questions. She can put two and two together. Besides, I'm only marginally ashamed to admit, this isn't the first time this has happened.

"Sir, I realize the commissary isn't exactly know for its gourmet cuisine, but you need to eat."

"That's the understatement of the year."

She opens her mouth to say something then reconsiders and shuts it. Doc is silent for a moment longer then, "It's been over ten hours since you came home, sir. You need to eat and get some sleep." She rests her hand on my forehead to check my temperature. I must look at least as bad as I feel. "You need to heal."

"I'm fine!" I snap and instantly regret it. I'm not fine. I know it. Doc sure as hell knows it. Ba'al's sarcophagus healed the physical damage he's inflicted upon me, but it did nothing for the lack of sleep, food, or water. My skin feels clammy and my head is throbbing. I'm sure my face is pale. My eyes drop, I can't keep her gaze anymore. Guilt eats at me. I shouldn't be acting like this! I should be able to handle this better. It's not like I haven't been through this before. Been there, done that, and told them were they could shove the t-shirt.

"It's not your fault, Colonel. Please, just try to rest." She smoothes my unruly hair back one last time then drops her hand as she smiles and stands.

I sigh at the loss of contact. As close as my team and I are, in some ways Janet knows me so much better then they do. Of course, that isn't by choice on my part. If I had my way, she wouldn't know half of what she does about my medical history. No one should have to experience what I have. Not even second hand.

She's out of my sight as quickly as she entered the infirmary. I hear her moving around as I close my eyes and try to do what she asked.

I can't. No sooner do my eyes slide shut; I see that snakehead bastards face again. Sneering at me. Taking perverse pleasure in the endless pain he inflicted upon me. My eyes fly open wide. Doc's at my side again, her reassuring hand on my shoulder. "It's okay. He can't hurt you anymore."

I resist the urge to ask what the fuck she knows about it. This isn't her fault. Not any of it. I refuse to look at her. I don't like what I know she'll see in my eyes. God! This frigging sucks. And it's just the beginning. It's going to get worse, much worse, before it even starts to get better.

Withdrawal sucks. Big time. I can feel the need for it growing inside me. My hands have started to twitch some. Like a junkie in desperate need of his next fix. I hide it well from everyone. Except Doc.

There's very little I can slip past her. She knows me too well.

Her hand reaches out to steady my trembling one. It calms me, until I see what she's brought over with her. Then I jerk it away as if she'd burned me. She reaches out and gently takes it again. I try to pull away again and curse my weakness when I can't.

"Sir, please. You need this."

My voice is firm. "No. No drugs."

Her eyes are gentle and understanding. "No drugs, colonel, your dehydrated and malnourished. You flat out refuse to eat and you've barely drunk anything. You need to get your strength back and this will help." She pauses while I mull over what she's said. "Eventually, you know I will have to sedate you."

She puts a finger to my lips to stall the argument she knows is coming. "You're turn to listen, sir. Daniel was put in that damn thing a lot fewer times than you were and you know how bad his withdrawal was. This is going to be harder on you. For now, just the fluids, but you know I'll have to administer the sedative sooner or later."

I hate it when she's right. Which is most of the time. I contemplate arguing, but decide against it. In a few days, I'll be enough of a handful for her. No need to start early. I sigh and relax. She takes that for what it is. Resigned acceptance.

Doc's very good at what she does. The IV is set up in no time. She starts to walk away to clean up, but I reach out with my newly pin cushioned hand and grasp her wrist. She stops short and looks at me. She says nothing, but I can read the question written plainly on her face.

"I'm fine, Doc." She waits patiently for me to continue. "Stay." My eyes are pleading. I know she can see it.

"I'll be back in a little while."

Damn. Don't make me say it, Doc. I don't know why, but I always find it easier to fall asleep when she's close. Truth is, I'm terrified to even just shut my eyes right now. Not that I'll never admit it aloud. She starts to pull away and I tighten my grip.

"Sir, I have to . . .," she begins.

"Please, please." Don't leave me! God, I'm frigging begging here! How pathetic am I? "Don't leave me."

Tears form in her eyes. She blinks them away before they can fall. "Alright, sir. I'll sit with you for a while. Just let me clean this up real quick and get Lieutenant Renik to check on a few things."

I consider begging more and keeping my grip on her, but relent. I'm not that damn far gone.

Yet.

I nod and release her. "I'll be back in ten minutes," she promises. I simply nod again and watch as she cleans up quickly and walks away.

True to her word, she returns exactly ten minutes later. Book in one hand and a glass in the other. I know because I have been watching the clock on the wall. She hands me the glass. "It's just water." I accept it gratefully and drink slowly as she makes herself as comfortable as possible in the hard plastic chair beside my bed. They really need to get some more comfortable chairs down here. Maybe I'll bring it up with Hammond when I see him again.

Settled at last, Doc opens her book and begins to read out loud. Don't think I've ever mentioned it before, but she has a good reading voice. She'd make a great narrator for one of those kid's shows or nature documentaries. I drift off to the sound of her melodic voice.

TBC