Heartbreak
Disclaimer:I don't own SN, only the very awesome Mr. Kripke and the CW have that honor.
Author's Note: This is a bit more angsty than my usual style, but I had a plot bunny banging on my door this afternoon, and here you have it.
"I bet you regret it now don't you? Wish you'd never brought me back?"
The words spoken into the silent darkness startled Dean. Sam had been so quiet these past few miles it was almost like he was in the car alone. If not for his brothers soft breathing, he'd have thought he lost him somewhere. Maybe he had. He felt like Sam was drifting away from him a little more each day and it terrified him.
Things had gone from bad to worse the past 24 hrs. First he found out Sam had been lying to him, then they'd had not one, but several fights. His eye ticked. He felt bad for hitting Sam now. At the time it was all he'd wanted to do. Now though, he knew he'd let his emotions get the best of him. Hurting Sam was never okay. He'd have beaten down anyone else who tried it, had in the past. He was Sam's protector. His big brother. Heh. But that didn't stop him from doing it anyway did it? Sam hadn't even raised a hand to defend himself.
Looked like that was the tip of the iceberg now. What had his little brother been stewing over in the dark? Surely he didn't really think that. His face reflected shock and hurt. "What?"
"You should have left me dead. I'm an abomination."
Cold sickness, sticky, bitter, twirled in his gut. "Sam..."
"You said it yourself. I'm a freak. A thing. If you weren't my brother, you'd be hunting me. I'm not even human. "
Dean's face filled with regret and his heart with so much despair it hurt. He hadn't meant it like that. He didn't mean it at all. He was angry and hurt, but he never meant for Sam to think that he wasn't worth it. That he regretted any of it. He'd been trying to reach him, shock him out of this pattern of lies and hurt they seemed to be trapped in. Bang up job there, Dean. Looks like I've made it even worse.
"That's not true Sam. I'd never regret what I did. Never. You're my brother." His voice was firm, but thick with emotion. He had to make Sam see. He'd gone about this all wrong and now he needed to fix it. They both had so much inside, but they needed to get past it and just be who they were. Be brothers again. He'd done life without Sam before. He couldn't even make it a day without him. He couldn't go through that again.
"Why are you even here Dean?"
That made his brows raise. "What do you mean, why am I here?" What was Sam trying to say? That he didn't want him back? He hated to acknowledge how badly that brief thought stung. But no. They may have drifted apart somehow, but they still cared about each other. Of course Sam wanted him around. But... did that mean Sam -
"I saw your face before Dean. How disgusted you were to even be around me. How can you even stand sitting this close to me in the car like this?"
Dean's breath stopped, then he started to feel that familiar anger again. He was gonna smack that thought out of Sam's head right now.
"Now you wait just a damn minute, Sam! I never said that!"
Sam turned dead eyes on him and smiled sadly. "You didn't have to. I got the point." And it hurt. Having his worst fears confirmed, knowing what his brother really thought of him. God it hurt so bad it was all he could do to breathe from one moment to the next. All this time in the car, he'd had time to think.
Dean said he wasn't alone. But he'd never felt more alone in his life. Not even when he was at Stanford had he felt this desolate inside. It hurt like hell to have his dad cast him aside. That he was disappointed in him. But he'd still had Dean. Even though they didn't speak, he knew if he called for anything, he'd have Dean. His big brother would be right there.
He smiled bitterly in the moonlight. He didn't have him now. Not anymore. His brother used to be proud of him too. Now he looked at him with contempt. Where did it all go so wrong? How did it happen? He'd tried everything, would have done anything, to get him back. Then somehow, magically he was there. At first he'd been scared to believe it was real. He'd dreamed of that moment, imagined it so many times those four months. And it always turned out to be futile. When he'd realized that his prayers had finally been answered, he'd wanted to weep.
Now he wanted to cry for a whole different reason. Even worse than knowing God was disappointed in him, it was that Dean was. What he thought was always the most important thing to Sam. No one else's approval had ever mattered the way Dean's did.
He'd thought he could fight it. Overcome it. Just because he had this evil in him, didn't mean he had to fall to it. What a fool he'd been. He could never run away from what he was. Dean had proved it. His only family didn't even believe in him anymore. And what did that say about him? He was too far gone for saving? Then why was Dean still even trying?
The answer hit him and he nearly choked on it's weight. Of course. It was an order after all. And Dean never disobeyed Dad's orders. Dean had been chained to him all his life. It was wrong. It needed to stop. Now. As much as it hurt, he'd give his brother his out. And he would take it. After all, what was left for them now?
"You don't have to keep this up you know. I'm not your job anymore. You don't need to feel like you have to stay. I was alone for those four months you were gone. I can do it again." I am already. "I'll be okay." Never. I'll never be okay again.
That did it. Dean angrily jerked the car off the shoulder of the road and stopped. He turned pinning Sam with a heated glare.
"Now you listen to me. I. Never. Said. You. Disgust. Me. I've never felt that way Sam. I've been scared for you, but never of you. And I am not staying with you because you're my job, so you get those stupid ideas right out of your head, ya hear me? You're my brother. I'm here because I want to be."
Sam looked at him incredulous. "This whole day, everything that's happened. That's your way of saying you want to be with me?"
Dean growled and hit the steering wheel in frustration. He felt a part of him die when he saw Sam flinch out of the corner of his eye. He'd tried to make it right. He'd tried to take it back, let Sam see that they were still a united front, even if they were having a rough patch right now. He'd wanted Sam to know they were okay. But now he could see they were anything but. Why had he thought that small offering would be enough to mend this bridge that seemed to be growing between them? What he had said to Sam clearly wounded him deeply. It made him question himself, and their bond. Would things ever be the same again? He didn't know. But he was going to try like hell to make it right. To get that look off Sam's face. He hated it. He hated Sammy in pain.
Softly, defeated, he turned to Sam. And Sam's heart jumped in his throat as he saw the sadness in his brother's eyes. "I'm sorry, Sam. I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it. You are nothing like what we hunt."
Sam shook his head in denial. That was one of the many things that had hurt, but it was also something Dean had gotten right.
"I wasn't just angry at you Sam, I was angry at myself. I was wondering what I did to make you doubt me. What did I say to make you feel like you couldn't trust me? Haven't I always been there for you before?"
Sam looked upset at the thought of Dean doubting himself. "Nothing! You didn't do anything wrong."
"I must have done something Sam, or you would have told me about what was going on with you. I did something that made you feel unsafe."
"Stop." He choked out. He felt this grief in him ready to sweep him away. His eyes were filling and his chest ached. Dean couldn't do this. He couldn't turn the fault on himself. It was all him. Every bad thing that happened always rested with Sam.
"Sam." Dean felt his own eyes grow wet as he watch his baby brother literally falling apart next to him. "You have never been a burden to me. You're a good man. I'm proud of you Sammy."
Those final words were all it took for the damn inside Sam to break. Against his will soft sobs broke lose and before he knew it they were frantically bursting from him. He leaned forward, bent in half as if he might snap in two. He felt as if he were drowning. Then suddenly strong arms were holding him up. Making him warm. Keeping him safe. Dean.
"I don't know what to do." He rasped out. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
Dean pulled Sam against his side and cradled the head resting on his shoulder. "It's okay. We'll figure it out. We'll be alright." Not you'll be alright. We'll be. And they would. Somehow.
Sam relaxed into his brother's hold and cried until he couldn't anymore. Letting out everything these past four months had built up inside him. All his anger, grief and loneliness. He wasn't alone anymore. And it's time he stopped acting like it. Dean was there for him to lean on. Just like always. At least with all the changes that had come and gone, that was ever the same.
Suddenly self-conscious, he cleared his throat and sat up, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "Um. Thanks. Guess I just needed to let it all out."
Dean nodded, watching him with steady eyes. "I think we both needed that."
Sam quirked a brow and Dean smiled. "Been a while since you pulled a chick flick on me, Sammy."
Sammy. God he'd missed hearing that stupid nickname. He smiled at his brother. "Jerk."
Dean grinned. "Bitch." He sobered a moment. He needed to make sure this time. "So, uh... we okay?" He asked uncertain of what Sam might say. If the roles had been reversed, he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to forget having things like that said to him by his own brother.
Sam nodded, still smiling. "Yeah. We're good." Better than we have been in a long time.
Dean's shoulders eased. He hadn't even realized he was so tense till he'd received Sam's answer. "Good." He bucked Sam in the shoulder. "Guess we better get back on the road, eh Samantha?"
Sam rolled his eyes. He should have known that movie of the week moment wouldn't go past without teasing.
"At least I wasn't named after our grandmother." Sam smirked.
Dean's face turned dark as he scowled. He should have known all that teasing would come back to bite him someday. But really, how was he to know he was named after the woman? "Hey, she was a cool chick. For a grandma. I can see where mom got it."
Dean had told him about her. The patriarch of the family. Good, loyal, kept the family together. She broke up Mary and Samuel's fights just like Dean did for Sam and John. Sam thought Dean fit his namesake like a glove. "Yeah." He said with a touch of pride.
Dean smiled again, pulled out onto the road and flipped on the radio. For the first time since they'd been reunited, it felt like he'd truly come home.
End