I - Nintendogs

They're many things, including cute, friendly, cuddly, spunky, furry, and just so adorable you want to eat them (though- believe me- it's a bad idea). But none of these things has anything to do with kicking another Nintendo character's butt. Thus,it is oddthat they have entered the violent, chaotic, and oft-fatal world of Super Smash Brothers. Will they be playable characters? Will they be an item or charge-up? Will they simply appear to make you feel better when you die? Or worse...

"Hooray," the person whose name could very well have been JT, but it's not extremely likely, said in a monotone voice.

"C'mon, aren't you even a little excited?" his mother asked. "These tickets weren't easy to come by."

"If I wanted to know more about a Wii, I'd look in my pants, thanks," JT replied.

"Apparently this Super Smash Brothers thing is really popular."

"Yeah, but a tour of the place where they make it? It would be bad enough just to play the game."

"This place is really famous now... or at least that's what the salesman said... they're the same people who made some other game about puppies! And they gave us a puppy t-shirt for free!" She tossed the shirt to him. He read the words Nintendogs from its label, then threw it back so he wouldn't puke.

"Well, you're going anyway, so here's a copy of their last game, which also didn't come cheap, but I thought you'd want to know about the company before we went." She threw it at him and left.

He looked at it with boredom. "Finally, a game to put in this kiddie game cube thing. I can't wait." He popped the copy of SSBM into the Gamecube, which had also been a present from her. He pushed the power button for the first time.

And in that very moment, he became a convert.

Finally, the day came when he was to visit Nintendogland, the company that was in charge of making Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Ever since that first play on the Gamecube, JT had been waiting fervently for this moment. Imagine his surprise when he was greeted at the door by a man wearing a puppy costume.

"Welcome to Nintendogland, home of the Nintendogs!" the man-puppy said.

"Are you the tour guide?" JT asked.

"You bet your little non-puppy ears I am!"

"Oh, f-" he said. The hyphen carefully placed to omit the letters "uck" represents the barking of a puppy, which had occurred just as JT said those very letters.

"Sorry," the puppy-man said, "but we don't allow cursing in our facilities. It might scar the little puppy minds that are scampering about." he motioned to the puppies playfully frolicking through the halls.

JT said nothing.

"So, I bet you're eager to get to see some Nintendogs- I mean, Super Smash Brothers," the guide said cheerfully.

"Yeah... so what's the character lineup gonna be in the next game?"

"Well, there's a funny story about that... you don't like that Mario guy, or whatever his name was, do you?"

"Why?" JT asked, then his eyes sparked with realization. "You can't take out Mario! He's, like, the centerpiece of the franchise!"

"Hey, just calm down and think about it. Would you want to play as a middle-aged plumber who molests little kids? I mean, he's not even cute and cuddly! He doesn't belong in the world of video games!"

"Wait a minute... are you saying that you took out ALL the characters that weren't cute and cuddly? Did you actually put anyone in?"

"Well, we were a little short with just Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Kirby, and Ness, so we decided to add what we know best- Nintendogs! You can play as 6 different breeds!"

JT's visage was agape with horror.

"We added the entire Animal Crossing cast, too. And Hello Kitty."

"You... you fiend..."

"I know, I know, it's amazing. But I'm just the tour guide. The REAL genius behind this is who you should be thanking, not me."

JT suddenly realized what was wrong with this picture.

"Who would want to play a game where puppies tear each other apart? That's just disgusting!"

"Oh, yes! Funny you should mention that whole 'fighting' thing. Of course, we didn't go into this project with the goal of desensitizing children to violence, like all the other games out there," he scowled at nothing in particular and rubbed his official Friends of Jack Thompson pacifier in his pocket. "We turned the game into something much more familiar to us."

"What... what's that supposed to mean?" An involuntary shudder traveled down JT's spine.

"Why don't you see for yourself?" the oversized puppy said as he motioned to a monitor nearby.

JT immediately noticed seven things that were wrong with the title screen of Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

1) The letters were colored in pink.

2) The letters were bordered by white frills.

3) The television was somehow emitting the scent of baby food.

4) There were five unicorns prancing around in the background.

5) The unicorns were prancing in a field of giant flowers.

6) Small children were riding the unicorns.

7) The theme song from Barney was playing.

JT turned around, shaking slightly, and wiped the vomit from the sides of his mouth. "No thanks."

The puppy-man's eyes suddenly took a dark and sinister tone. This was apparent when small flames began to shoot about an inch out of each. "No, please, I insist."

"No... can't..." replied JT, weakened but still determined to resist.

Out of nowhere, seven hundred puppies appeared, filling up every crevice of the room. All of them were whining quietly and cocking their heads slightly to the side.

"See? They want you to play!"

"Gahhh!" JT screamed as he flew to the monitor.

Two hours and several sick-ups later, JT was still in the tutorial. You might consider this a bad thing on its own, but it would probably merit a level of "Fire and Brimstone" when the friendly little talking animal-type thing is taken into consideration.

"Now let's try trick number 56- teaching your puppy, ahem, character, to sing Barry Manilow," it was saying.

"Can't... take it... much... longer..." JT groaned as he pointed at Kirby with the remote- controller and pressed A, as he had done to teach it the other 55 tricks.

"Good job!" the tutorial animal congratulated. "You're a chip off the old turnip truck!"

JT groaned in pain. "Don't you people know how to give a character a personality?"

"Let's get started on the next trick!" the animal said in reply. "The early bird always cries over spilled milk!"

"We don't have much experience with characters that can talk," the puppy tour guide explained. "So we came up with something bold and zesty."

"Actually," the tutorial animal said, "I was just kidding. That's all the tricks I'm going to teach you. The tutorial is now over, so good luck!"

"Finally!" JT exclaimed. "Some gameplay!"

Then he thought about it, and wondered whether he should be excited or not.

"Alright," he mumbled as he scrolled through the menu, "I know I don't want to play the main game... how about some minigames?"

The Home Run Contest scrolled into view. JT clicked on it, hoping to salvage at least some of the magic that made up SSBM.

"AHH!" he screamed. "What is this!"

"Aren't they cute?" the puppy tour guide asked.

Puppies dressed in cheerleader outfits danced across the screen as random baseball players hit home runs in the background.

That is precisely when JT ran from the building, never to return. He spent the rest of his life in and out of high intensity prisons/ mental institutions after he went on a 5000-puppy killing spree later that day.

This future, ladies and gentlemen, in the words of someone anonymous- no, I'm not saying that just so I can quote myself- "will cause many to kill themselves and others in horrible ways if it comes true." So, Nintendo, for the good of humanity- get rid of the puppies.