Felix had just come back from the clinic. The words, "You are HIV positive," echoed through his head. He couldn't believe it. He shrugged off his coat and poured himself a drink as if in a trance and sank down on the couch, staring blankly out the window. Shite. He had HIV. AIDS. It still hadn't sunken in properly. All he knew was, he was going to die. The logical side of him argued that there were drugs and medications he could take that would allow him to live a long, normal life. But the other side of him was panicking. And worst of all, he felt guilty. Guilty for letting himself be talked out of using condoms, guilty for sleeping with so many different people that he didn't know who had given it to him, guilty for what Sarah and Mrs. S would think of him and the burden he'd be on them, and of course that he was now the pinnacle of the gay stereotype.
He finished his drink and poured himself another. Rummaging around in his bag, he pulled out the doctor's prescription. Pills he would have to take for the rest of his life. Shite. He tipped the glass back, reveling in the burning sensation at the back of his throat. His body felt numb with shock. It was just a routine STI test, one that was a year overdue yes, but never in his wildest dreams had he thought he'd come out of it being positive.
Shit, that reminded him—he had to call Colin. They'd been sleeping together for the past week and he couldn't remember if they'd used protection every time. Fuck. He placed his glass down on the coffee table, fumbling his cellphone out of his pocket and dialing.
"Colin here."
Felix's mouth suddenly went very dry and he didn't know what to say.
"Hello darling, it's Felix." He said, clearing his throat, trying to compose himself.
"Oh hey. Sorry, wasn't expecting you to call me at work. I'm kinda in the middle of dissecting a dead guy's brain. What is it?"
Normally Felix would've laughed at that. Not today.
"Sorry… I um… I need to talk to you. Can you come over later?"
"Uh yeah sure. I get off in an hour; I can be there around 6. Everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. See you then." Felix hung up, breathing hard. For some reason tears were pricking his eyes.
For the next hour and a half Felix sat on the couch downing drink after drink. He wouldn't allow himself to cry though. God, he had to stop feeling sorry for himself; it was pathetic. Finally, he put on some music and started painting Colin, but it soon turned into hurling angry handfuls of paint at the canvas and surrounding walls.
Twenty minutes later Colin was knocking on his door. Felix quickly scrubbed his hands clean, took a deep breath and slid the door open, throwing on his trademark seductive smile.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Come in, come in. Fancy a drink?" Not waiting for an answer, Felix busied himself pouring two shots of bourbon while Colin closed the door, throwing off his scarf and crossed the room to admire Felix's new painting.
"Interesting," he said, cocking his head to get a closer look. "Is that supposed to be me under all that mess?"
"It's not mess, it's art, darling," Felix sighed, pressing a glass into Colin's hand.
Colin chuckled. "What did you want to talk about? You sounded nervous on the phone."
"Sit down." Felix motioned towards the couch.
They sat beside each other and suddenly Felix didn't know what to say. What if he had given him HIV? What if Colin had given it to him? Why in God's name was he too drunk/high to remember if they'd always used protection? He took a sip of his drink. The tipsiness from before had worn off for the most part and he was almost sober again. Fuck.
"Have you gotten yourself tested lately?" He asked bluntly.
Colin looked at him, blinking. "You mean STDs?"
"Yeah."
"No…why?"
Felix took another gulp of the viscous burning liquid. "Do you remember if we always used…condoms?"
Colin's brow furrowed as he thought for several seconds. "Yeah…yeah we did."
Felix blew out a breath he'd been holding in. Thank god.
"Why? Do you have an STD?" Colin asked.
Felix hesitated, swirling his drink around and around.
"Felix?"
"I-I'm positive," he breathed, unable to look Colin in the eye. It felt weird saying it aloud.
"You're positive?" The morgue attendant repeated slowly.
Once again Felix felt tears burning in his eyes. "I'm HIV positive," he said quietly.
"Oh."
Neither of them said anything for a while. Then Colin gripped Felix's shaking hand and the younger man finally looked up at him.
"You should get tested. Just in case."
"Yeah." Colin hadn't touched his drink, but now he drained the glass in one gulp. He looked at Felix, who was staring blankly at his hands. He scooted over, closing the gap between them and put an arm around his shoulders. Felix relaxed in his grip, burying his face in Colin's chest. He smelled of death. It was oddly comforting.
"It's nothing to worry about. The drugs these days are really good. If you take your medication, there's no reason why you shouldn't live a perfectly normal life." Colin said finally.
"Yeah," Felix breathed, sitting up and bringing his arms around Colin's neck. He leaned in and pressed his lips to the blonde's. They made out for several minutes before Felix pulled back.
"You should go. I'll call you, yeah?"
"Yeah okay." Colin got to his feet, wrapping his scarf around his neck, and slid the door open, waving to Felix as he exited. Felix slumped back onto the couch, closing his eyes.
Sarah came up the stairs just as the door to her brother's loft slid open and an unfamiliar man walked out, waving as he slid the door closed. Wait a second, wasn't that the morgue attendant Felix said he'd hooked up with? She sighed exasperatedly, hiding herself behind a wall as he called the elevator. What was he thinking?
When he was gone, she rounded the corner, pounding on her brother's door.
"Oh for fucks sake," Felix swore as he pushed himself off the couch.
"It's me, Fee," he heard Sarah calling through the door. Shite. Talk about perfect timing. He wiped his face off with the sleeve of his robe and slid the screwdriver out of the lock. His foster sister barged in, shucking Beth's trench coat onto the floor.
"Really Fee? You're sleeping with the morgue guy? The only other person who can ID me? What the fuck are you thinking?" She snapped, pouring herself a drink.
Felix sighed. "He's a really nice guy, okay?"
"Oh I'm sure he is."
"Seriously, he's the first perfectly sweet bloke I've met in a long time." He didn't know why he was justifying himself to her.
"What's that, like five weeks?" Sarah laughed.
"More like eight," Felix muttered under his breath, slumping back down on the couch.
"Jesus Christ Fee! Where was common sense? Do you always have to think with your dick?" Sarah yelled, throwing back the bourbon, setting down the glass and starting to undress out of Beth's clothes and pulling on her own.
"Oh that's right, I forgot, your life is always more important than mine!" He snapped back, running his hand over his face again.
"You know what? Right now it is!" Sarah shouted, throwing her empty glass across the room. It smashed into the far wall, shattering onto the ground in a million pieces.
"Jesus Christ," Felix squeaked in shock. He absolutely hated when his sister got like this. He couldn't tell her now. He felt like crying. He lay down on his side, pulling a pillow over his face.
For several seconds he didn't hear anything. Eventually Sarah knelt in front of him, prying the pillow out of his grasp.
"Fee I'm sorry, I didn't mean that… It's just all this clone stuff…" she threw up her hands, taking a deep breath. "It's really fucking with me, Fee… I mean clones and people trying to kill me for Christ sake." She sighed, running a hand through her smooth Beth hair.
Felix cracked an eye open, surveying his sister. She was a mess. There were dark circles under her eyes. He couldn't even imagine being in her shoes right now. He probably would've thrown himself in front of a train like Beth. Then again, Sarah was always the stronger one.
"It's okay. I get it," he whispered, putting a hand on her shoulder, which she gripped.
"You okay? You don't look so hot." She said finally.
He blew out a laugh. "Compared to you, my problems are insignificant."
"That's not true, Fee. What's wrong?" Sarah pulled his wrist down so that his arm was slung around her neck.
A thousand thoughts ran through Felix's mind. Should he tell her now? With everything that was going on it would just stress her out even more. Maybe if he waited a few weeks until all this stuff blew over?