Star Trek: The Truth Is Out There
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Captain's log, stardate bunch-of-random-numbers-that-make-no-sense-at-all . . .
After a brief period of nothing happening at all (which always happens just as something REALLY bad's about to come up) we have detected a vessel. It is, of course, unlike anything we have ever seen before, of very advanced technology, armed to the teeth and possibly hostile. Naturally we plan to deviate from our course which will add more time to our journey and investigate this craft further . . .
Janeway: (walks onto the bridge with Chakotay following as usual) Report!
Harry: Something happened.
Tuvok: Fascinating
Janeway: What is it?
Tuvok: I do not know Captain, however it is still fascinating.
Harry: Scanning . . . Captain this vessel, it's almost identical to a class of spacecraft which visited Earth many times during the 20th century
(Everybody on the bridge groans)
Tom: Great. No one's mentioned the words "20th century" for the last five minutes. Time to bring it up again.
Harry: I am detecting two human lifesigns in the vessel. As well as hundreds of short green humanoids.
(Silence on the bridge)
Chakotay: They must be . . .
Janeway: Shields! We're under attack by genetically altered green smurfs and their rogue human commanders!
(Tom coughs)
Tom: Um, he was going to say Roswell Greys
Janeway: Oh. Um (tries to think of something important-sounding to do) Beam up those human lifesigns.
(Senior staff enter the transporter room, leaving god knows who commanding the bridge . . .A man and a woman are beamed aboard.)
Janeway: I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Star ship Voyager.
Scully: Mulder
Mulder: Scully
Scully and Mulder: FBI
(Dramatic pause and suspense music)
(Opening credits. Theme music plays. Daaaa daa daaaa da da daa da da…you get the idea. Many views of the ship flying through gas clouds that in reality would have destroyed the ship but hey, it's only the laws of physics!)
(Return to the transporter room. Silence. Chakotay and Paris smother laughs)
Janeway: Welcome aboard Voyager.
Mulder: You're human.
Scully: Come on Mulder of course they are. What else were you expecting? Aliens?
Mulder: (shouting) you've just traveled 70 000 light years aboard a UFO in cryostasis with a probe stuck where the sun don't shine! I think it's time to admit that the truth is out there don't you?
(Scully gives her best condescending look)
Janeway: We've been stranded in the Delta Quadrant for six years now. We're trying to find our way home to Earth.
Mulder: Big deal. I've been stuck with her for the last 70 years.
Chakotay: (looks at Janeway) tell me about it
Janeway: (places hands on hips) Excuse me?
Chakotay: (mumbles) nothing
Janeway: I'm sure the two of you are tired. Would you like to go to your quarters?
Scully: This doesn't mean I believe in aliens
Mulder: Science geek
Janeway: Neelix, please take Ms Scully to her quarters. Seven would you take Mr. Mulder?
Mulder: (sees Seven for the first time) Yes Seven would you please take Mr Mulder?
(The Bridge. Janeway sits in the Command chair.)
Janeway: Report!
Harry: Everything's okie-dokey
Janeway: Thankyou.
(Five minutes pass)
Janeway: Report!
Harry: Everything's okelly-dokelly
(Five minutes pass)
Janeway: Report!
Harry: Everything's oke-diddly-okelly
Paris: Um, Captain, how about we just tell you if something happens?
Janeway: Excellent idea Mr. Paris.
(Scully and Mulder walk onto the bridge. No one notices)
Mulder: Hey cool computer! You don't have FPS do you?
(Scully stares at Tuvok. Walks up and pokes him)
Scully: Mulder, this guy…he's like nothing I've ever seen before.
Mulder: He's an alien
Scully: It's fascinating. He has even less expression than you do!
(Janeway looks around, motioning for someone to announce their presence. Harry notices.)
Harry: Captain, the visitors are on the bridge.
Janeway: Report!
Mulder: Greetings from Earth.
Janeway: Mr. Mulder, you are not supposed to be here.
Mulder: You can't keep the truth from me!
(Scully pokes Tuvok again. Pulls out her pocket-scalpel)
Scully: What's with these ears anyway?
Tuvok: I am Vulcan.
Scully: Ah, I see. (Gives her best condescending look.)
Janeway: Where are Seven and Neelix?
(Seven and Neelix wander slowly out of the turbolift, eating sunflower seeds and playing with the agents' cell phones)
Seven: A primitive communications device. Emits high levels of radiation. Unsuitable for assimilation.
Neelix: Hey look! He's got a snake game on his!
Janeway: Never mind.
(Suddenly Q appears on the deck)
Q: Avon calling!
The Voyager Crew: Q!
(Mulder faints)
Scully: Well now I've almost seen it all.
(Scully tries to revive Mulder)
Janeway: What the hell do you want, Q?
Q: Come now, Kathy, can't your friendly omnipotent alien from another continuum stop by for a chat now and then?
The Voyager Crew: No!
Q: All right, I need your help. A strange human has somehow appeared in the Delta quadrant and is threatening all life, including the Q.
Janeway: How?
Q: He and a band of small green humanoids are infesting the quadrant and spreading nicotine into all inhabited systems.
Mulder and Scully: Cancer Man!
Paris: Sounds like a comic book.
Mulder (now fully awake): No he is part of the conspiracy which threatens Earth with annihilation by making a deal with the aliens who want to turn our world into their colony and…
(A strip of duct tape suddenly appears over Mulder's mouth)
Scully: Wow! Now I'm impressed.
Q (interested): And you are..?
Scully: Armed.
Q: You redheads are all the same. So how 'bout it, for old times sake? Save the quadrant once more?
Harry: You'd think with all the alien species out here one of them would be up to it, wouldn't you? Why us?
Q: Because this is Star Trek: Voyager. Not Star Trek: Some Other Ship.
Harry: Oke-di-didly-okelly.
All: Shut up Harry.
Janeway: All right Q. We'll help you, but only if you send us home afterwards.
Q: No problem. Set course directly ahead. We are entering the continuum. Maximum Warp!
Janeway: Engage!
Q: Make it so!
Janeway: Maximum Warp!
Mulder (quietly): Um, he already said that.
Q: Let's go!
(The ship enters Warp)
(Commercial Break. Buy the new Nokia 2948309-10 mobile phone. Now with 23 games, text messages in 15 languages, and portable defibrillator for emergencies. Only $1, conditions apply – minimum of 300 per customer, contracts last for 3 years. At the termination of the contract all your major bodily organs become the property of Nokia…)
(The main characters of Voyager, Mulder, Scully and a yellow-shirted security officer sit at a table in a large, crowded restaurant.)
Janeway: What the hell kind of representation is this?
Q: It's no worse than the deserted highway.
Mulder: You know, grey's not really my colour. Couldn't I be yellow? And why can't Scully wear her outfit? (gestures to Seven)
Scully: Shut up Mulder.
Janeway (laughing): Oh no, Mr. Mulder. You don't want to be a yellow shirt.
Mulder: Why?
(All is silent and still for a moment. The yellow shirt looks around nervously. Suddenly someone in the room chokes and spits out a ball of food, which hits the ensign in the head. He stumbles back, trips over a chair and impales himself on an odd-shaped salt shaker)
Chakotay: Well, now that's out of the way…
Scully: You know, I've always thought yellow was your colour Mulder…
B'Elanna: Captain! I'm picking up strange and dangerously toxic readings from over there!
Janeway: Well let's go over there without any safety precautions and find out what it is!
All: Let's go!
Mulder (sniffing): I know what that is. I've smelled it many times. The smell which says to me the ultimate evil, that which would sacrifice the freedom of human kind for its own personal gain. The smell that belongs to the personification of all that is wrong in the universe and that which…(voice grows strangely monotonous)
Scully: It's cigarette smoke.
Tuvok: Look!
(In a section of the restaurant, small grey aliens sit at tables. They talk happily, order from the Q waitresses, and smoke continuously. There is a haze over there, which is rapidly spreading to the rest of the room)
Q: It's worse than I thought! They've created a 'smokers' section!
Mulder: What's wrong with that?
Q: This is a representation of the universe. Approximately 400 000 000 000 000 000 cultures are now overrun with smoke! And it's all perfectly legal!
(A tall human approaches them, shrouded in a cloud of smoke)
Cancer Man: Agent Mulder! Dana! What a surprise! I didn't expect to see you here.
Mulder (draws his phaser and points it at CSM's face): We've come to find the truth.
Janeway: No, we've come to save the universe.
Harry: I'm here because they made me come.
All: Shut up Harry!
CSM: Well, none of you will ever succeed. You're all doomed. And Mulder (singing) I know where your sister is!!!!
(He and the aliens vanish)
Mulder: Noooo!
Q: Now you see what we're up against.
Janeway (deep and meaningful): Yes. I see that now. Janeway to Voyager. 1…2…3… ah what the hell. Just beam us all aboard.
(Janeway's voice while Voyager travels through boring black space): Captain's log, more-numbers-that-make-no-sense. We are once again aboard Voyager, sailing…no…travelling through the Q continuum, where we must help the Q in battling a new enemy, a human known as Cigarette Smoking Man or Cancer man. Since Smokey is human I feel we are partially responsible for their problem. Well, actually I just feel like breaking the Prime Directive again, but the other way sounded better. I cannot help but muse on how everything in the universe relates back to Earth. My we are important…
(Mulder's voice interludes): As my partner and I travel through the uncharted realms of the universe I sense we are closer than ever to the truth. The fact that it has been revealed 4 times so far in the series does not matter. We are close. Finally we begin to hunt down he who is the personification of the lies and deceptions. I can't help but think how this is all just a reflection of basic human behaviour. This is irrelevant, but I will talk about it anyway…
Janeway: Hey this is MY show. Get your own damn monologue.
Mulder: Bite me you short, redheaded…
Scully: Mulder!
Mulder: You're all in on it! All you red heads! I'm going to talk to a blonde!
(Mulder sits at a table in the mess hall. Neelix potters around in the kitchen)
Mulder: So, ever see an alien?
Neelix: Well, ah…
Mulder: Are there any on the ship?
Neelix: You see…
Mulder: That captain's an alien, isn't she? I have an instinct about these things.
Neelix: I'm an alien.
Mulder: No, but you dress a lot like Elton John.
Neelix: It's true.
Mulder: Ok, sure. You're an alien. What about that pixie-eared guy?
Neelix: Oh, Tuvok's an alien. He is Vulcan. His blood is green.
Mulder: Green! OH MY GOD HE'S THE BOUNTY HUNTER!!!!
(Runs out of the room with a fork in his hand. Dramatic music plays)
(Commercial break. Look at this fantastic new sports car! The features, the multi-disk DVD and Play Station player. The babyskin…er…leather seats! Can you afford it? No! Will you ever? No! But just look at it and feel bad!
And after Star Trek: The Truth Is Out There, stay tuned for…World's Funniest Plane Crashes! Watch as three people burn to death in incredible pain, embellished by wacky sound effects! Boing! Crash! Bang-ooh-I-bet-that-hurt! Don't miss it!)
Mulder: (running down a corridor) Computer, where is the Alien Bounty Hunter?
Computer: What the hell are you on about?
Mulder: Tuvok! Where is Tuvok?
Computer: Tuvok is in the Infirmary. Jeez, don't have a cow.
Mulder: (stops) what did you say?
Computer: (pauses) Nothing. All systems working within normal parameters…(Mulder starts walking again. Computer mutters) Spooky.
(Mulder races to the Infirmary, which happens to be on the deck where he is. He bursts into the room. Scully stands at the operating table with a disemboweled Tuvok laying on it.)
Scully: Mulder you should take a look at this (she holds up a glob of something green.
Doctor: That's Tuvok's equivalent of a heart.
Mulder: He's the alien bounty hunter.
(Janeway storms into the sickbay)
Janeway: What the hell is going on here? Doctor! Why didn't you stop them?
Doctor: I've been waiting six long years for someone to gut Tuvok and I wasn't about to stop her…oops. Did I say that out loud?
Tuvok: (sitting up and reclaiming his organs) There is no need for concern. I am Vulcan. I can survive with only a kidney to run my body functions. That is because we are superior to you in every way.
Mulder: (stabs Tuvok in the back of the neck with his fork) Aha! Gotcha!
Tuvok: Mr Mulder, please remove your utensil from my body.
Janeway: You two are complete imbeciles who are a danger to yourselves and to those around you.
Scully: Got somewhere I'd like to stick that utensil…
Janeway: But since we need you for the story line, we'll forgive and forget. We need you in the briefing room.
(Everyone exits the sickbay; Mulder follows Tuvok and repeatedly sticks him in the neck with the fork all the way up to the briefing room.)
(Q stands in front of a map of the galaxy. About half of it is dotted with little cigarette icons, while the rest is covered in little no-smoking signs.)
Q: (pointing to the galaxy) This is the galaxy.
Seven: You are incorrect. That is a 2-dimentional representation of the galaxy.
Q: (Pause) Thankyou Seven. And this is Cancer Man's Headquarters (he points to a picture of a pack of Morley cigarettes)
Chakotay: How do we stop this?
Mulder: We set phasers to full power, go in and toast the bastard.
Scully: No, that'll just light up more unlit cigarettes. We'll be killing ourselves.
B'Elanna: When smoking was still practiced on Earth, the American government had a sure-fire way to stop smoking. They put labels on the cigarettes saying, "smoking can be hazardous to your health". That always worked!
(Scully rolls her eyes. Mulder hits his head on the table in despair.)
Janeway: Yes! Yes that's what we'll do! We'll take voyager here (points to the pack of Morleys) and stick one of those signs on it.
Mulder: And stop him once and for all…
Janeway: Set course for Morleys, Maximum warp!
Harry: Uh, Captain? We're not on the bridge.
(Janeway looks confused.)
Janeway: Oh…well…tell someone on the bridge to put us in maximum warp!
Doctor: (murmurs to Chakotay) She's brilliant!
Chakotay: (very profound) That's why she's the Captain.
(Q, Mulder, Scully and the Voyager crew are on the bridge. Brightly coloured windows flash past the screen at Warp speed.)
Mulder: Hey! You've got that screen saver! You mean you still use Windows 98?
Harry: Oh yeah. Bill gates just woke up from cryostasis twenty years ago and went into business with the Ferengi. All starships are now Windows compatible.
Scully: Now that I'll believe.
Q: We are approaching the Morley System.
Tom: That was fast.
Q: We're on a time limit here, Paris. 40 minutes to save the universe until next episode.
Tom: Gotcha.
(Voyager drops out of Warp and orbits around a gigantic packet of cigarettes)
Computer: (ding ding) You've got mail.
Tuvok: It must be my joke of the day subscription.
Computer: You have two messages. Neelix: Brittany Speares Assimilated pics for you.
(All look at Neelix)
Neelix: Um…uh…
Computer: Spooky_Mulder@fbi.gov. Subject: Greetings from Cancer Land! One attachment.
Janeway: Open it.
CancerMan's voice: Hello Mulder. I know you've come here to stop me but it's too late. My brand of cigarettes has spread throughout the universe.
Other voice: You have received a message from Cancerman@hotmail.com. For your free personalized e-mail account, visit www.msn.com.
Mulder: Computer open the attachment.
Chorus of singers: (taunting) I know where your sister is! I know where your sister is!
Mulder: Noooooo! (Bursts into tears. Scully gives him the traditional Don't-get-tears-on-my-suit-it-was-expensive hug)
Janeway: Deploy the warning label. Transporter room stand by for beam-out. (No answer) Transporter room?
Tuvok: There were two yellow shirts on duty. One choked on his gum, the other one spontaneously combusted.
Janeway: Harry. Beam it onto the packet!
Harry: Okies! (Insert cool sound effects here) Energized!
(The Morleys packet appears on the screen, now complete with its warning label. Everyone cheers)
Janeway: Report!
Seven: My scans have revealed the nicotine concentration in the universe is reducing…it is almost gone. It only exists within the packet.
Mulder: He's still alive. He's in there.
Janeway: We'll go and find him. Q, Mulder, Scully, Senior staff you're all with me. We will board Morleys.
Seven: Your plan is illogical. Who will look after the ship?
Janeway: Do I have to think of everything? Get a bunch of yellow shirts. They never do anything useful. (Dramatic music. Camera zooms in on Janeway's face until it is entering the nasal passages) It's time to put out this cigarette once and for all.
Harry: (confused) Does that mean we're going to kill him?
Janeway: (pause) Yes.
(Commercial break. Stay tuned after World's Funniest Plane Crashes for more exciting drama in…Secretary. This Emmy-award winning series explores the lives of four secretaries. Tonight's episode deals with changeover to Windows 2000. Must See TV!!!!!)
(All of our main characters beam into a corridor which has been used in 34 different alien ships so far, this time painted orange)
Janeway: Report!
Tuvok: I will use the tricorder to scan for the highest concentration of nicotine. (Tricorder beeps and bleeps its cute little noises) It's coming from five meters in front of us.
Scully: He's standing right in front of us you idiot! (Camera zooms in on a smoking Cancer Man)
Cancer Man: So you have done it. You put a warning label on my packet and stopped them from smoking. But this won't be the end.
Q: You're finished. They're all using nicotine patches and they'll be free by the time you can say 'to boldly go where no one has gone before'.
Mulder: Or 'The truth is out there.'
Seven: Or 'Resistance is futile.'
B'Elanna: Or 'Today is a good day to die.'
Scully: Or 'How is this an x-file?'
Harry: Or…Um…why don't I have a catch phrase?
Cancer Man: You're all wrong. See the next creation, an addiction so powerful not even a warning label can prevent its spreading…
(Three green aliens appear out of nowhere holding palm-sized balls)
Tom: Flash grenades! Everybody run!
Mulder: No! I don't believe it it's…(Mulder faints)
Scully: (white faced) They're…pokéballs!
Janeway: No! It's too cruel! You can't do this.
Cancer Man: Oh, but I can. And I will go back to the past and do it where you can't stop me. (Mulder wakes up)
Mulder: You sick bastard.
Cancer Man: Oh, Captain? Mulder? Scully? Unimportant extras?
All: Yes?
Cancer Man: Gotta catch 'em all…
(Cancer man releases Pikachu)
Pikachu: Pika!
Janeway: Away team to Voyager! Beam us the #$%^ out of here now!!!!!
(Cancer man laughs evilly. They all beam out.)
(Commercial break. It's not really time for one but it's almost the end of the show and they need to fill up the airtime…
Stay tuned after Secretary for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. To boldly stay where someone has stayed before. Other Star Fleet captains explore the galaxy…but Sisko makes the aliens come to him!)
(The away team re-enters the bridge.)
Janeway: Report!
(Silence. The bridge is filled with the still forms of 12 yellow shirted ensigns.)
Chakotay: Damn! That used up our yearly quota. We'll have to move onto green.
Mulder: How did they die?
Scully: What, do I look like a forensic pathologist to you?
Mulder: Um, you are one.
Scully: Oh yeah…
Seven: They are not dead. An attack from Jigglypuff's evolution Wigglytuff used the 'sing' attack and put them to sleep.
Mulder: I said they're dead.
Seven: All right. (Beams them all into space)
Janeway: Now that unpleasantness is over, we'll send you back to Earth in your own time.
Tom: If you can do that, why the hell can't you get us home in our own time?
Janeway: Because.
Doctor: (murmurs to Chakotay) She's brilliant.
Chakotay: (profoundly) that's why she's the captain.
Mulder: Well…thanks for the good time.
Scully: You realise that none of this actually happened don't you?
Janeway: Lock on transporter. And Mulder?
Mulder: Yes.
All sing: I now where your sister is! I know where your sister is!
Mulder (crying) Nooooo!
Janeway: Energize.
(The two agents dematerialize, presumably home and not in the middle of a gas-giant on the way.)
Janeway's voice over: Captain's log, stardate…ah crap who the hell cares? Our two guests have returned home. We're suffering a severe yellow shirt shortage. I think Harry's going to be sacrificed after all. We have defeated the Cancer Man and are now returning home.
(View of the ship floating through gas clouds which will pose a serious risk next episode)
9:02 PM
Earth, USA
Washington DC, FBI HQ
Basement Office
Cold, dark night. Wind rustling through the trees…ok you get the idea.
Scully: That didn't happen.
Mulder: Yes it did.
Scully: No it didn't.
(Agents exit the building. Camera focuses on Mulder's desk. Closer, closer and hiding in amongst the rubbish…a pokéball. It jiggles slightly.)
Pokéball: Pika Pika!
Dramatic, menacing music. Picture fades out…
The End
Executive producer: Tok'Ra Talshiar