Halo 5: Guardians Screwed Up Version

Chapter 1: O Dat Ass

Hello it's Neptin Shumabe it's been a fucking eternity I had to use my fucking tablet because I have no laptop anymore :/ this will be a challenge anyways I'm back and after I'm done with this book I might do other Screwed up versions of other games like dead space or something idfk anyways I'm back enjoy the first chapter of halo 5 Guardians Screwed up version it's great to be back :3

p.s. i keep forgetting to put this in my stories: i don't own The Halo Series blah blah blah u get it (best disclaimer ever 10/10 XD)

p.p.s. oh and i will not do any in game talking because it takes too long and i'm lazy sooooooo DEAL WITH IT

p.p.p.s. there are a lot of sex in this chapter so YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Oh shit we started already!

FUUUUUUCK IM NOT READY DAMMIT!

Let's do it anyways because yolo and shit.

So we will start at the ONI facility and shit.

I already said "and shit" already.

Oh fuck it I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I OWN THIS SHIT!

Anyways back to the story! :3

So we start in an ONI facility because that's how it's supposed to start.

It's 343 Industries they fuck up everything.

Bungie was better.

Oh I'm kidding 343, I love you! :D

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! D:

Anyways Dr. Catherine fucking Halsey begins to walk down a hallway in the middle of a alien porn room.

I mean they had dildos, and fucking, and lots and lots of se-...

Okay you get it moving on.

Halsey walks to the end of the room and places her left hand on a hand scanner and a door opens.

She walks into her office and passes everything while a classical music plays in the back round.

She begins to take off all her clothes to join an sangheili (elite) in bed and...wait...

Fucking hell, I keep thinking sexual stuff.

She reaches into a wall and pulls out an armored matrix.

Just so u know what an armored matrix is a thingy that sucks (lol sucks) A.I.'s in to a big memory plug.

Kind of like technology sex.

Shen then heads to the far end of the lab, where there is a glowing blue holotank.

It's that fucking BITCH ASS BITCH CORTANA.

SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.

Oh yeah, this is a short prologue.

Halsey (bitch) voices over in the backround says, "Spartan Locke."

Halsey plugs the armored matrix into that pussy holotank.

Standing on it is a projection of a blue waffle bitch.

FUCKING CORTANA!

Halsey's voice goes over again, "I have spent enough years with ONI to know the truth."

Halsey smiles at her AI and Cortana smiles back because they somehow had sex.

Halsey's voice goes under again, "Once this is over, after all I have done..."

Halsey turns the handle of the matrix in the tank.

Cortana's hologram vanishes as she's transferred to its chip.

Like I said technology sex. (damn there's a lot of sex in this)

She says voice over, "They'll order you..."

The room darkens and Halsey's smile fades.

She fucking finally says voice over, "...to fuck us both and I kind of like that."

She starts licking her lips and it all goes black while you hear moaning.

Okay since I want to be lazy as fuck, but i can't do it because I love you viewers.

I will continue this shit.

You're welcome.

So we start at Jameson Locke's helmet, lying on a seat inside a Pelican's troop bay.

There's a sex doll near by. (I just wanted to add that lol)

The Microsoft Studios logo randomly appears.

A rotating cylindrical holotank lowers from the ceiling

It activates, displaying several holographic photos of destruction on several human colonies.

Some photos showed some porn which Locke swiped away quickly while smiling nervously.

The 343 Industries logo randomly appears.

Last but not least, the FanFiction logo appeared. :3

Members of Fireteam O Dat Ass are looking at the holotank.

An additional screen appears on it as Thomas Lasky begins his transmission.

"Fireteam Osiris. Over the last 72 hours, five colonies have experienced identical events. Massive destruction, Forerunner in origin."

"Dr. Catherine Elizabeth Halsey has managed to contact us."

"She claims to have information on these attacks."

"And had sex with with a Sangheili."

Olympia Vale mutters to herself, "Can't wait till I get down hard on a sangheili."

Then Sarah Palmer appears on the Video COM, "Halsey is currently in Covenant custody on the surface of Kamchatka. Your mission is to insert behind enemy lines, retrieve Halsey and bring her back to Outfinity."

Sarah Palmer continued (my fucking lord), "Be advised. Dr. Halsey is accompanied by Covenant supreme leader Jul 'Mdama (sexy ass bitch). If you have the opportunity…"

Locke replies, "Understood, Commander."

And fucking finally Lasky replies, "Good Luck, Spartan Locke. Outfinity out."

The Holotank shuts down.

Blah blah blah getting ready and shit...

Holly Tanaka decides to ask, "Say, before we make this jump, anybody want to say a few words?"

Buck replies while grabbing his shotgun and holstering it on his back, "Well, I don't know about you, but back when I played in a series called 'Castle', I used to be more of a pussy then I was before."

Then he turns to Locke, "Hey you buying first drink when we're done."

Locke replies, "You ask, you buy."

Buck chuckles (love that word for some reason) and mutters to himself, "Funny. I'll kill you later."

Locke finally says, "Fire Team O Dat Ass, the light is green like my shit this morning."

Then they jump out as the pelican doors flew open.

The Title comes on...

Halo 5: Guardians (punch) SCREWED UP VERSION

MWAHAHAHAHAHAH

Okay since I'm a fucking asshole, I'm going to skip the entire gameplay talking because too much to type and I don't want some dipshit reporting me for plagiarism.

I'm sorry if u haven't seen the game, but deal with it.

Watch someone play it.

Now back to the story.

Lots of pointless fighting later...

After fighting through an ass load (lol load) of enemies, they made to Jul 'Mdama and Halsey.

No one noticed, but I think they both had sex without the other covenant knowing.

Anyways team O Dat Ass assembles at the fucking door.

It opens to reveal the entrance to Jul's balcony.

Don't ask me how the living fuck the enemy didn't notice the door opening.

The four Spartans head down the hallway with weapons ready.

Zealots stand guard and a Phantom holds position nearby it.

Jul paces in the center while Halsey reads her data pad.

Sexy Jul says angrily, "What is is the problem?"

Bitch Halsey replies, "Well there are several. Would you like to discuss the finer points of casual reconciliation?"

Jul is getting annoyed, "More human sarcasm..."

Halsey once again replies smiling, "Oh, you are so cute when you are annoyed."

Oh mah gawd!

She was flirting. lol

Team O Dat Ass gets into position to attack the mother fuckers.

Buck was the only one who heard the flirting from Halsey to Jul.

Tanaka has her assault rifle and raises it to guard the rear. (lol rear)

Okay they talk some more and finally O Dat Ass attacks and kills all the Sangheili.

Jul gets killed by Spartan Locke buy putting a knife to his throat.

The funny thing is that Locke only attacked Jul, and the rest of the team killed the other Sangheili.

I think its funny because Locke did very little work. (bitch ass)

Locke says to Halsey, "Dr. Halsey, Captain needs dat ass of yours. (meaning he needs to talk to her.

Halsey being a naughty bitch replies, "Took you long enough."

The last thing you hear from Buck's mouth before the chapter ends, "Interspecies Bitch."

Daaaaaamn this shit was a bitch to write. Well thanks for reading hit the favorites and comment on the book if u like. I'll be waiting for feedback. See you in the next chapter!