ÒAnnÓ by Danny Bronstein ********* based on the song ÒStanÓ by Eminem ***********Dear Daria, I want to tell you what a wonderful show you have. Everyone at school hates me, but thanks to you, I finally know thereÕs someone out there who I can relate to. I respect you because you see everyone for who they are, and you tell it like it is. When I have a kid, IÕm gonna name him or her after you. This is probably my fourth letter to you; I donÕt know if you received my other ones because you havenÕt responded. The post office must have lost them; you know how they are. Or maybe the return address isnÕt that clear. Sometimes I write it kind of sloppy. So whatÕs been going on? How are Tom and Jane and Trent? You probably hear this all the time, but IÕm your biggest fan. I have all of your episodes on tape, and your movie, and all of your appearances on ÒBeavis and Butt-headÓ. I have a room full of your posters and pictures, and I buy all your merchandise. I even have a copy of ÒSealed With A KickÓ, your pilot that was never aired on MTV. I think it rocks! Write me back, just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Ann 5530 3rd St., Splendora, USA /Phone: 555-0134 / Fax: 555-0135 / Cell: 555-0136 / Pager: 555-0137 / email: dariafanatic@aoh.com / webpage: dariaisgod.com / *********** Dear Daria,Well, itÕs been two months. IÕm not mad, I just think itÕs pretty fucked up you donÕt answer fans. The least you could do is send an autograph or something. IÕm sure you have the time.I watch your show whenever it comes on, be it during the day or one of those late-night marathons. Though IÕm naturally a blonde, I dyed my hair medium-brown so it would be just like yours. I wear glasses just like you too, though since I have perfect vision I had to take the lenses out. But I still think they look cool. I am considering changing my name to Daria as well. Ann just sounds so plain!I hate school just as much as you! Everyone there is so shallow! And you wonÕt believe how boring the classes are. One time, I got so bored during fifth period, I carved your name into my arm. I had to be taken to the nurse, and itÕs all healed up now, but I think only the DAR part looks clear. IÕll have to finish it later.I have a best friend, just like you. SheÕs starting to get kind of jealous because youÕre all I ever talk about. I guess she just doesnÕt understand me. No one does. My parents are thinking of sending me to a psychologist, but theyÕre gasbags just like yours are.You gotta call me! IÕm not only your fan, I also consider you a friend. In fact, I think I love you. Sincerely, Ann / 5530 3rd St., Splendora, USA / Phone: 555-0134 / Fax: 555-0135 / Cell: 555-0136 / Pager: 555-0137 / emails: dariafanatic@aoh.com, dariatrentjanejessetom@hotmill.com, killthefashionclub@yeehaw.com / webpages: dariaisgod.com, outcastsrule.com, dariaforpresident2000.com, annlovesdaria.com ************ (recording) Dear Ms. IÕm too good to call or write my fans,IÕm recording this tape in the basement under the gym during a pep rally, where IÕm busy planting a bomb. ItÕs set to go off when they announce the homecoming king and queen. ThatÕll show everyone! ItÕs been six months and still no word from you! I donÕt deserve this! I know you got my last two letters; I wrote all the information down perfect! So this is my cassette IÕm sending you. I hope you hear it! You know that song, ÒStanÓ by Eminem? Well this is kind of like in that song. You could have saved me before I hurt someone, but you didnÕt! I hope your conscience eats at you and you canÕt sleep at night! Ah, I hear the cheerleaders doing their dance now. My sisterÕs one of them; my parents are in the stands watching her. Wonder if they know where I am. Probably not. Hah! The jokeÕs on them! Everyone at school is going to die, as well as my family! DoesnÕt that just blow your mind?Well, the timer is set; time to make my escape. Shit! The door is locked! Well, guess IÕm going down with them. Wait--HowÕm I supposed to get this tape out? Noooooooooooooooo! (ear-shattering explosion heard) ************** Dear Ann, My apologies for not writing to you sooner. We get a lot of fan mail here at ÒDariaÓ, and sometimes it takes us a long time to reach each and every fan. But here, finally, is a response; also included is a still from the show autographed by Tracy Grandstaff. I am thrilled that there are fans of the show as devoted as you, though in your case I should point out that itÕs JUST A CARTOON. It is not real, and judging by some of what you wrote, it seems that you are not aware of this. I became alarmed upon reading how you carved up your arm; maybe you should take your parentsÕ advice and get some counseling before you hurt yourself even more. We here at ÒDariaÓ treasure each and every fan we get, especially hardcore ones like yourself. WeÕre glad she is turning into such a positive role model for todayÕs alienated youth. WeÕd like to think that if the poor misguided youths who blew up Splendora High School last month had followed her message rather than that of the more violent shows on TV, a tragedy could have been averted. Thank you for taking the time to write to us. Keep it up, and take care! Sincerely,Glenn Eichler Executive producer, ÒMTVÕs DariaÓ