A/N--Criminal Minds? Nope, not remotely mine.
No Beta, so any errors are mine, all mine!
This was a late night story rush when I realized just had badly I missed JJ/Hotch interactions.
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The white jet's nose lifted up and the rest of it's body followed suit. Inside the cabin, Hotch and JJ were settled easily into their respective chairs finishing up their own ends of the now closed case.
An hour had gone by in easy silence. The work was done and they each took advantage of the break that would end when the jet landed at the Quantico airstrip. Hotch's eyes were closed, head tilted back, and he had unwillingly lost himself to the lure of the jet's muffled hum. JJ had stolen a few glances in between losing herself out the window before her window view won. But in between she watched his chest rise and fall and studied the structure of his side view. A good view, she surmised and pushed down the quiver that announced itself to her stomach nearly every time she looked at herboss. Will may not have been perfect but he was observant and he noticed the effect Aaron Hotchner had on JJ when they were together. He had called her on it more than once and never fully believed that their relationship was purely professional. She sighed. JJ would never have given up Henry, but to modify time to a place when things were simpler, when she maybe could have potentially had the option to even think about saying something to Hotch would have been nice. If wishes were horses, she sighed again. She gave her attention back to the window. It was so easy to lose herself watching the blue sky above the clouds and nothing else.
It was a long quiet while before Hotch's voice startled her. "How much are thoughts going for these days?"
"I'm sorry?" she asked, turning toward him and gave a confused smile.
"With the economy the way it is...could be a buyers market." He tried for the joke and was rewarded when JJ smiled.
"I thought you were asleep."
"Was." No need to burden her with the nightmares he endured when his eyes closed. It never lasted long but his sleeping record was hovering at about an hour at time without any extracurricular aids.
JJ gave a short nod and glanced back out the window. Land was still invisible below them. "Rest of the team flying back commercial..." She drawled out slowly.
"We got a request for a profiling seminar upstate. Be back tomorrow."
Nodding, she answered "Well. I have a lot to do when we get back-"
"Have some time with Henry and Will." He finished for her.
It was only for a second but Hotch saw her involuntary hesitation and wondered why so much with JJ was still a mystery. She gave a small smile and spoke, "I swear each time I see him, that Henry has grown." A thought struck suddenly and she was glad to turn the conversation. She lightly scrutinized him as she spoke. "The team is giving the seminar. Without you." It was a statement but the questioning tone was there.
"I have an appointment I need to keep." A simple enough explanation but it carried with it significant weight. Therapy after Foyet's attack? A good thing and she was glad if that's what it was. The team was still relatively in the darkabout Hotch's personal life. They all had their suspicions, a few had assumptions but JJ just tried to trust him. He'd always been their rock, their compass, and she wouldn't forget that. She gave a forced smile, letting the subject evaporate, and hesitated for a second as she squinted and again took in his rugged looks. A small sigh drifted from her as she resettled in her chair and gazed back out the window.
JJ's looks sometimes warmed him and sometimes made him uncomfortable. Now the former turned to the latter. He thought she'd been about to speak, and sometimes when she looked that way he honestly thought she was getting ready to tell him something important, something unknown to him about herself. He believed it so thoroughly that subconsciously he leaned forward slightly, ready to hear. But then she'd stop, as if some warning bell had gone off in her head, and her mouth would simply close. Done. He found himself feeling disappointed. They didn't typically engage in casual conversation but when they did it left him smiling and feeling, what's the word, happy for hours.
He watched her now. Side profile, eyes locked on the outside of the jet. Blonde hair, lithe build, beautiful and….sad. He usually thought of her as 'efficient' but not now. Now she simply looked sad and he wondered if she'd been this way in Michigan, during the case, before they left? Sighing, he wished he knew the words to say to compel her to trust in him. The two of them on the plane alone was a rare event and all of a sudden he was wishing for some interjection from his missing team. And while he was wishing he realized that he still had no idea what she'd been thinking about.
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The jet landed and it's passengers disembarked quietly. Once inside the building each headed to their respective office to file paperwork and make phone alls. Hours passed and night fell before they saw each other again. Seven o'clock and Hotch was on his way out while JJ was on the way back to her office with a fresh cup of coffee.
"You're still here?" he asked her, surprised. She'd thrown her hair up in a sloppy yet still attractive ponytail and dark circles were beginning to form under her blue eyes.
"Yeah. I'm just going though some new cases." Sometimes her words and tone came out more pointed than she intended, so her expression tried to convey ease. "Never a lull."
Hotch eyed her, somewhat suspicious. "Don't stay too late. I'm sure Henry and Will can't wait to see you." He told her as he walked past. She raised her coffee cup in a mock salute as she turned and headed back to her office.
Back in her office, JJ sat down hard in her chair and grabbed one of the picture frames that housed a recent picture of herself with her son. "Happy" she thought, summing up the tone of the picture. JJ smiled and put the picture back in it's spot. Sighing, she turned back to the massive amount of papers and files that currently called her desk home. She allowed her elbows to bond to her desk and she held her head, rubbing her temples. Garcia was home with Kevin and with no one waiting on her, she planned on putting in a long night with no distractions.
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Hotch drew a deep breath and eased down on the gas pedal. Even though his therapy appointments were at times agonizing and always uncomfortable, he did have to admit that he always felt safe there. Now in the car, driving off of the Quantico base the cool night air poured through his open windows and his nerves ratcheted back up to Red Alert status. Hotch was by nature a strong man. His childhood past had shaped his adult self. But now, Now. He was as though he were seven years old again and scared all the time. As an adult he didn't call it 'scared' of course. He used words like Hyper Vigilant and Overly Cautious, but his therapist broke it down to one basic word. Scared. He didn't argue back, just let the unfamiliar word hang in the air and eyed the cold art pieces that had been incorrectly chosen to convey warmth and homeyness.
"Find some peace somewhere in your day. Start there, a quiet moment you can allow yourself. A moment you can trust. It's there, the warmth, the security. Look for it." He nodded, acknowledging her words but he wondered if his therapist should just ask him to be on the lookout for unicorns and leprechauns--the task was just as huge. But he'd nodded and would pretend to acquiesce.
Following the late appointment he went home and tried to sleep. The doctor's words haunted him after each session and he'd gotten to the point where he was willing to try and do what she asked of him. It couldn't hurt, he decided. Worst case is that nothing would change. And that really was the worst case.
In trying to sleep Hotch let his mind wander. The previous case ran before his eyes and he was more or less satisfied with the outcome. The unsub had been caught and his latest victim had been found without physical harm. Moving past, he reviewed his interaction with JJ on the plane. It troubled him that he never felt quite like he fit with her. He always seemed to be placed just on her fringe and he didn't know exactly why that was. There was a time, pre-Will, when he'd felt more connected to her, but obviously she withdrew once she went public with their relationship in Miami.
A low growl escaped his throat as he grabbed the pillow from under his head and sat up. Without the pills sleep just didn't happen anymore, but he was trying to pry away that crutch. Again, trying what the doctor asked. Instead, he allowed himself two fingers of scotch and some mindless tv before grabbing his ID and keys and headed back to the BAU.
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It was late and most of the offices on this floor were dark. The bullpen would be dimly lit, he knew, but stepping off the elevator Hotch was genuinely surprised to see the light coming from the office up ahead was JJ's. He walked softly and stopped just short of the door where he could watch her for a moment. She looked tired and pale, and the dark circles that had threatened earlier had claimed their territory under her eyes. Her hair was still off of her face but small tendrils had fallen as she'd worked and continued to creep forward no matter how many times she pushed them back.
"Hey," he said softly as he stepped forward and leaned into the door jamb, facing her desk. "You're still here." Like hers earlier in the day, it was a statement but with the questioning undertone.
"Ohmigod!" JJ had been unaware of Hotch's presence until he'd spoken and he had legitimately scared her. Her hand was over her chest and she'd pushed back in her chair, breathing hard. He didn't know why he found her reaction funny, it was a valid reaction and one he should be sorry for, but instead he pushed out a quiet
Smile while his chest rose with a short laugh. "JJ I'm sorry, I should have knocked."
"Jesus, Hotch," she said, wiping her mouth with her full hand. "I think that may have nearly been a heart attack." Her hand went back to her chest to feel her heart still beating wildly. "I--I've been working." Sheanswered simply and shrugged, wondering why her boss was here at...oh God, was it eally 1:47 in the morning? "Why are you here?"
"Couldn't sleep just seems too simple, doesn't it?" He asked, the words falling out before he registered them. His demeanor was now so solemn and a rush of sadness washed over JJ for him.
She held his gaze a half moment before speaking. "Bad dreams suck," she replied and he laughed.
"Well put." He sat in the chair across from her and leaned forward, taking a file from her desk. "So what are we looking at?"
Her heartbeat slowing to a near normal rate, JJ moved her hand to sweep it across the folders. "Bad dreams from all across the great USA.."
Hotch leaned forward and took one of the top folders from her desk and opened it, perusing it while she spoke.
"A string of schools set on fire outside of Des Moines, 5 people missing from the Mall of America within two weeks--" she paused a second before continuing. "A series of hit and runs victimizing the elderly in Baltimore, 4 elementary school children missing from a handful of field trips outside of Syracuse, home invasions in El Paso…" She trailed off but in reality she could have gone on and on. There was always horror somewhere and a tired and out of options police force who had put in their paperwork for a BAU request. It was JJ's job to decide who would get their attention. She sighed heavily and leaned back in her chair, eyes still scanning the top layer of her desk.
He closed the folder and returned to the desk. "JJ why haven't you gone home? "
Her eyes snapped up and met his. "Same reason you came in?" she ventured. Neither wanted to be at home.
"But...Will....--" Aaron Hotchner didn't understand.
JJ's surveyed her boss and felt the need to trust. To tell. Her wall of conviction broke and chose her words carefully as she willed herself to keep her composure. ".here. He's in N'awlins." She drawled emphatically and shrugged. "Turns out," she tried to keep her tone light and stretched back in her chair, looking up at the ceiling for a beat. "You can take the boy out of the bayou…but not for very long."
He eyed her as a surge of protectiveness threatened to overwhelm him. "JJ, how long…?"
"A little more than two months." She looked at her boss and smiled ruefully. "At least he was honest. That's more than I can say for me. But he's Henry's dad, y'know? And I guess it was just easier to pretend." She finished softly.
Taking a deep breath, she finished her story. "Will went back to the police force. Needed some retraining, and starts back next Wednesday. So Henry's with him for the week before he starts." Suddenly she shook her head and laughed quietly.
"What?" he asked.
"You don't find this funny?"
He was completely at a loss. "I don't find any of this funny."
"We're sitting here at nearly two in the morning, looking at files, and I just blurt out that my life has somehow turned to complete shit?"
"I think if anyone can appreciate a life turned to shit, it's probably me." He answered gently.
JJ's eyes opened wide and she was instantly sorry. "Oh, Hotch, you know I didn't...I mean, what you've gone through I can't even imagine..."
"So don't." he stopped her. "And that's not exactly what I meant. I just meant....You can talk to me JJ." He watched her carefully for a moment. "I want you to know that."
JJ accepted his offer reluctantly. She was used to trying to keep herself together and her private life as private as possible. But she'd crumbled tonight and was left feeling vulnerable. "I guess...I know that." She answered slowly. "I don't know if I could help--" she bit her lip quickly. "but if I could ever...if you needed...I'm here. too."
"Thanks." He countered. "You look like you need a few hours of sleep."
"Yeah," she agreed, quickly and eyed the small couch at the back wall of the office. "Tomorrow will..."
"The team will be back in the late afternoon. You look like a woman who needs a bed." She looked at him quickly and they both pinked slightly. He corrected with, "not a small couch in a small office. Go home, get some real rest."
She didn't say anything for a half a moment and, he acted on impulse, surprising even himself. "C'mon He extended a hand to the blonde and neither spoke for a minute, waiting.
Finally, JJ accepted the offer but not the hand. "Okay. I could probably use a driver." She relented and tried to stifle a yawn.
Her jacket on and purse in hand, Agents Jareau and Hotchner walked down the hallway to the elevator.
"Hotch...? Didn't you come in to work?" JJ laughed out loud, motioning behind them back toward the bullpen's doors.
"I don't really know why I came in." Hotch answered truthfully as the elevator opened. "But I'm glad I did."
They stood side by side in the elevator neither one speaking but both of them feeling slightly off center.