"AN AWAKENING"

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Slowly, step by step, he reached the top of Main Mission's one and only spiral staircase, to stand on the observatory platform. He could only watch as Helena Russell stared out the window at the fading planet. There, a man she once loved, still loved, would live the rest of eternity as nothing more than ... WHAT?

John Koenig could only guess about Lee Russell. He wasn't human nor was he alien. He wasn't alive but was he truly dead? John had seen a brief glimpse of the true man but the memory of his existence was vanishing. As was the world he'd lived on.

Terra Nova was now nothing more than a tiny pin pointed dot on the black velvet map of stars. Yet, Helena still stared.

The man was a prisoner in an existence no one, not even Helena, would ever understand. Curious, John Koenig wondered what she was reflecting on. Was she thinking about the past, the good times, with the man who had been her husband? Could she be pondering the loneliness of a future without him? No, she had been through all the pain of his loss the first time Lee disappeared when in flight to Jupiter. Still, she had to be wondering about the possibilities had he stayed.

The Commander wasn't sure about the position he ought to put himself in. He felt close to her... perhaps he had allowed himself to get too close. Would it be proper to intrude on the privacy of her thoughts? "Helena." he heard himself speak, "Are you going to be all right?" He realized the foolishness of his words the moment they were uttered.

As if mesmerized, Dr. Russell turned from the view outside her window. The planet was only a glowing dust speck now. There really was no more to see. She met his blue eyes - "Of course. I'll be fine" Helena said, lowly. She had been caught with her professional guard down and wasn't succeeding in an attempt to look unmoved by his appearance. "I think..." The thought was suddenly caught in her throat. Helena took a breath and straightened again. "I want to go to my quarters. I need to be alone ... to think." Privately, she hoped only a portion of her weakness was showing. The scientist in her demanded control.

"I understand" he said, sympathetically. He then followed her down the white stairs. John Koenig was no fool. He knew well what she meant when Helena spoke of being alone. The woman wanted solitude in every sense of the word. She wanted no one to see her, should those fragile walls of restraint begin to splinter.

Nevertheless, he purposely accompanied her as she walked from Main Mission.

He knew his presence was needed, whether Helena thought so or not. Usually the Commander's course of action would be less bothersome, especially where a lady and friend was concerned, but something about that cool attitude (tantamount of Helena Russell) both annoyed and worried him.

Naturally, she ought to be depressed and withdrawn. In two days she had both recovered and lost her husband - only five years after the woman was told she would never see him again. But there was more to her quietness than that. At least, it appeared that way to him. She was almost too reserved, unable to demonstrate fragility. Professionalism could not be used as an excuse here.

They were alone in her quarters now. There would be no one to see her fall apart, only the Commander. Her friend. A companion and, one day he hoped, even more …

Helena sat on the sofa in her living area as John prepared them two cups of steaming coffee. 'Oh John — GO. Please just leave', she thought to herself. Her wanting was more out of desperation than bitterness. Helena could not blame him for Lee's final living moments. Nor could she blame him for this situation in the first place. It was just...the mere presence of Koenig was suddenly causing an inner tidal wave of emotion. With effort, she stood and accepted the cup he turned and offered her. "Thank you, John. But I'm tired and want to sleep. I'11 see you tomorrow".

"Sit down, Helena" His tone was more of a command than she had ever heard him direct solely at her. Strangely, it was comforting and she did as she was told, without question. Almost without a will of her own, Helena leaned back and sipped the hot drink, feeling herself relax despite his presence.

John sat beside her with his own cup. There was silence between them for a long while. "You can cry if you want, Helena." he said.

The comment was unexpected. His bluntness was surprising, even to John.

She glanced quickly up at him, a split second shocked expression on the beautiful, clear face. Unable to find words, she raised the plastic cup to her lips again and took a sip. The coffee burned her throat and tongue, but only blankness shown. Helena refused to admit to her personal agony. "I don't cry, John", she said flatly. "What is the point in crying? It does no good. I passed the point of tears years ago"

"You're probably right" he agreed with an edge. "I seldom see you smile either." he said off handedly. He held no desire to hurt her but she was frightening him. She ought to be screaming or shouting out her misfortune. It wasn't good for any woman to keep it bottled up inside.

Silently, Koenig chastised himself. He was thinking like a sexist male. What difference did it make if she was a man or a woman? Inner turmoil on such a heightened level, like what Helena must be feeling, wasn't healthy - period.

"Lately, there just hasn't been much to smile about." she explained, running nervous fingers through blond strands. "Now when I come up with a successful experiment ..."

Koenig cut in, "When Lee was on Alpha, I don't ever remember seeing you so starry-eyed".

He had hit a nerve.

Dr. Russell put her coffee down and stood. She then began to pace about the room.

"I'm sorry, Helena. That was cruel" It had been unintended yet he did not feel genuinely sorry. John hated the discomfort he inflicted but the comment itself ... It was true.

But he did wonder why the compassion he would normally feel was spreading thin. He inwardly cringed. The Commander was jealous (later he would theorize that the sensitivity ran much deeper than mere envy, but for right now he could not be so generous). Helena had been deeply in love with her late husband and his influence would linger until she felt herself worthy of another's love. But would she allow it? Was there a man on Alpha who could cast such a spell, make her smile and feel loved again?

For a brief moment John wondered if Helena could rightly be considered a widow. As a human being, Lee was dead. But in a spiritual sense ... he was alive as an anti-matter form. Koenig mentally shook himself. 'Lee Russell is gone, departed into another world... And he will never come back.'

It was when he continued to contimplate the thought that he heard the sob.

Face turned from him, tears poured from the woman's eyes.

He stood and stepped quickly behind her, placing gentle hands on the slim shoulders. "Helena?"

She twisted around and melted into his embrace. Helena let John hold her as unchecked tears escaped, breaking the facade of Commander and Doctor.

Willingly and gratefully he accepted her abandonment of feeling... and he achieved an odd sort of fulfillment.

Koenig could not be certain what the future might hold. Perhaps nothing. But in this moment of time, he was satisfied. She was being open, purposely permitting a friend to share in her grief. John decided he would be there for the other times as well. The moon's odyssey could continue for years, but this awakening, on Helena's part, would be forever etched within his memory.

Gently, he reached up and stroked her blond hair.

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THE END

(This fiction was originally written and printed for RECONNAISSANCE QUARTERLY, Vol. 1, No. 2, edited by Tony Wynn - April 1983)

Re edit: December 2012.