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Sometimes in the moon's dim light, we see things more clearly. Things which before seemed murky, uncertain before are now illuminated as the sun's light is reflected back at us. As the moon rises over the horizon, we become more and more ourselves, willing to engage others in the deep discussions that souls yearn for and able to let ourselves shed the trappings of daylight.
Tonight, though, there is no moon to shine. The Earth has not yet come full circle, and the moon is hidden. There is an eerie glow around the edge of the lake and the cold water laps softly at my toes.
Everyone thinks that I go to the library to think, but the library often feels creepy, stacks of books looming ominously over me, shadows dancing on the floor and printed words flickering in the candlelight. It is here I come to think and to be alone; to feel the small waves and to be reminded that there is life outside the eternal conflict between light and evil.
I wish that a side had not been chosen for me, that I might have some say in the matter. I wonder if there are Death eaters who feel as I do, thrust forward into leadership for the dark by mere virtue of their friendships. It feels odd to think virtue and Death Eater in the same sentence…. But they can't be pure evil….. Can they?
I hate moonlight. The pale glimmer of light is not nearly enough to prevent shadows from forming. It offers too many opportunities for revenge, for murder and espionage. Such fancy words for such terrible actions. Actions such as my father delights in doing, actions such as he insists that I will enjoy by virtue of my name. Actions that cause pain, suffering, misery.
Actions that have too often been preformed on me. I know not why my father persists in his morbid fascination with all things evil, but I know that someday soon the time will come when I will have to take a stand.
I cannot hide in the shadows forever, always dancing on the line between subservience and fear, between my schoolboy self and the man my father wishes me to become, a branded man. Branded like cattle, like sheep- mindless servants delighting in the Dark lord's powers, servants I do not wish to join.
I dreamt once of sunlight and freedom, a dream of love and friendship- a dream of futility and impossibility. My skin burns too easily in the sun; my family has done too many secret things.
I will never be able to walk with my head held high if this war does not end soon, for if it continues much longer, even schoolchildren, boys not nearly men, will be drawn into the conflict- and once I am drawn into the war, who knows if I will still be able to walk amongst the living at all?
Yet I know that once I am tattooed, marked forever as a man above caring, I will no longer have doubts. I will be mindlessly committed to all that my Master will command, and it is that freedom above all- the freedom to think and to reason - that I yearn to protect the most.
I wish that a side had not been chosen for me, that I might have some say in the matter. I wonder if there are members of the Order who feel as I do, thrust forward into their leadership by mere virtue of their house.
From the top of the Astronomy tower, brightly bathed in candlelight, anything feels possible. Perhaps hidden amongst the Order is one who does not believe in its cause as I do not believe in mine….