A/N: Hi, everybody, welcome, welcome^^
Before you read this story, I suggest you read the other story of mine. "Why I am alive." Because this is an addition to that story. It's neither a prequel or a sequel, but somewhere in between. It happens between Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 of the other story. But as you like, you can read this as a stand alone either.

Why I did this and didn't just put this in? Because I'm really obsessed with form and narrative style. If I put this in the other story, it'd be like writing a whole page with black and suddenly fill in a sentence in the middle of the page with blue. My world would burn^^.

So enjoy^^

Three days of shore leave

Day one: Appraise

I have lost control of myself.

I have lost a lot of things in my life but control is something I've always tried to maintain. It's not that I'm power-hungry or paranoid; it's that if I lose control somebody else usually gets hurt.

Or in today's case, him.

I don't really know what I should do or say; in the short time my brain did what it wanted I have opened a door to me I want to keep closed. Now John stands in front of me and looks right through me as if I am nothing but a piece of thin paper.

"You really meant what you said?" he still sounded concerned, unsure and maybe a little scared.

I hate to see him like this. Usually if he's concerned it means that in the next second one of us will yell 'Incoming!' And if he's unsure it means that things are even worse than we've thought. And if he's scared, well, then things must be incomprehensively powerful if it can scare Commander Shepard.

But now I know that I am the certain something that has caused all this feelings in a man whose heart is supposed to be of ice and fire. I know that I've hurt him. I know what I've done. I broke that very strong heart.

"I don't know what I said." I whisper, not brave enough to give my own voice any strength. I'm scared, John. I'm so scared!

"Kaidan," he moans, making my heart jump.

He has changed so much. Does he know that when I look at him, I only see a man with his face but not his soul? Does he know that those red eyes are nothing but machines which has replaced the ones I used to know? Does he know that his scars show me that he is not the man I loved but a collection of synthetic flesh and bones?

"Kaidan," this new man says with his voice. "I mean what I said. There is no one I'd rather be with."

"I believe you," my voice was low. "But John, I still need a little time to understand what this is between us."

"It's love." He says, so strong and suddenly so sure of himself. "I know, it's a small word, but I have no other to describe how I feel."

He walks towards me and I can feel the air around me heating up. It's him. It's his radiance and his burning core. He is the one who has directed my thoughts in the past two months. He is the one I keep seeing when I close my eyes at night. But it is him and also not him.

It is his previous incarnation which still occupies my heart. It's his former body which made my loins twitch. And it's that pair of his once blue eyes which makes me believe that I am Kaidan Alenko.

"Wait, John," I sighed. His hot skin burns my fingers when I touch him. His heart throbs so strong it soon overpowers the pace of my own and I moaned. "How about you get a shower first?"

"Kaidan…." He says again and my name rolls off his tongue as if his voice is the only one to make my name sound real. "I want to be with you."

"I can smell Cortez on your skin." My voice is harder than I wanted. But knowing that he's been touched by another makes me furious. "Go wash it off."

He looks at me but his expression was hollow because there, where his eyes should be, I only see two burning dots. He sighs and it sounds so sad. If he was really John, I'd have closed him in my arms and kissed his forehead. But it's John's face but not John's soul.

"You still don't trust me," he accuses. "You still don't believe that they didn't change me." In his tone, I hear a world crumple. In his voice, I hear a heart shatter. And in his breath, I hear a man wither.

"Go take the shower," I say and touch his face with my fingers. "We can talk when you're done."

He nods and walks away from me. Though he is only behind one door and so close, I feel the distance between us as wide as an open sky without sun, as a streaming river without bridge and as a freezing night without day.

What should I do? I ask myself. How comes that I can't bear to look at him but feel empty when he's not here? How comes that I love his shadow but fear his presence?

The chair I sit in is his and the leather smells like him. Like the surface of his desk, this whole place was cold and grey. His fingers might have traced the items on this table but his energy hasn't transcended. It is hollow.

I look at the picture of a dead man on his desk. His face is clean and young. His eyes are bright and full of hope. The smile on his face is shy and true. But I know that this man is just a memory to him as John Shepard is a memory to me.

I smile at myself and at the irony of this moment. Now, while the galactic extinction surrounds us, two men in this room were both grieving for something they have once possessed. Here in this room, separated only by one metal door, two souls are longing for each other, blindfolded for they can't see that the one they seek is long gone.

The war has killed both of us.

The door behind me slides open and before me I see a man I don't really know. Not the man I used to love but a man I can learn to love.

He smiles at me and I smile back, realizing that fate has given us a second chance.

Maybe some of you know that "Why I am alive" is completely written in Shepard's POV, I couldn't have filled this in. But also, I really wanted to write this part from Kaidan's view. This three chapters are actually one story and was the first scene of this whole RenegadeShep stuff.

Let me know what you think. And thank you^^

HeavenOnFire.