July 25, 1 AMD (After my Death)

One week to be exact. Well, the year is actually 1946, but I decided to count from my death instead. You see, this way, a hundred years from now, It'll be easy for me to remember when I died. I want to remember when I died. It seems … I dunno … kind of important, I guess. I mean, I died that year. That's got to go for something. What does it feel like you ask? To die that is. It's hard to explain. It wasn't painful or anything, just, it's like I sat up and walked out of my body. That's what happened to me anyway, but I'd like to think that it's different for everybody. Your death is sort of sacred, you know? It's the one thing that nobody can take away from you.

This entry is a little short, I am sorry, but there isn't really much to talk about. Yes, I could go into my funeral and how everyone was crying and sad and all that mushy stuff, but I'd prefer not to. You can probably imagine it, and it's a little painful for me. I mean, I was right there. My parents were crying and lamenting my loss and all, and I was right there next to them. Only I couldn't talk to them or comfort them or anything. That was probably the worst of all. Plus, it's probably nothing, but I am a little worried about Holden. We were very close, you know, and I don't know how he'll take it. I hear he disfigured the garage when he found out. The garage had it coming of course, but still. I should watch over him. Make sure he doesn't do something stupid.

November 24, 2 AMD
I suppose I haven't written here in a while. Sorry, I met a nice lady two graves over. Mostly talk to her now. She was the only one in the whole cemetery who didn't tear herself apart telling me what a shame it was to be cut down so young. I appreciate it of course, but I know full well what a shame it is, and being constantly reminded of it isn't doing me any favors. So yeah, I've been talking to her mostly. There's something else though. I'm more and more worried about Holden. He got kicked out of Whooton School. Somehow I'm getting a feeling that this is all over me. I realize that is a very conceited point of view, but I'm serious. Ever since my death - yeah, I said it. I died. It happens. I wish people would just get over it. Everybody's avoiding that word. It's either the "it" or the "passing" or the "oh that." The whole really is quite annoying. I am not angry exactly, just … disillusioned, I suppose. I'd expected people to be different after they died. No such luck it seems. Oh well, I digress. Something I got from my brother. My brother, who managed to get himself kicked out of a rather prestigious school. He could've made it. School that is. He could've studied a little and passed the year, but I am beginning to think that he didn't want to. I saw the look on his face when he was told. He just shrugged as if he didn't care. He does though. I know he does. I know him well. I can't ever remember him having many friends; even when I was alive. He was always the loner, the odd one out. It's worse now though. I mean he has friends, but he doesn't have friends. It was not trouble when he was my age, but he's 15 now. He should've made at least a few close friends. I don't know. It might be nothing.

May 29, (almost) 3 AMD

It is definitely not "nothing." The morning's been bittersweet for the both of us. Well, mainly for Holden, but I sort of picked up on it. On the upside, school ended today. On the downside, Holden was politely informed that he wouldn't be returning next fall. It was his grades again. He failed everything except English, which can be attributed to his English teacher. Mr. Antolini. Charming fellow, barely older than D.B. They were getting along quite well, and Mr. Antolini would even visit the house sometimes. What I don't understand is how the one person that Holden is actually friends with is an adult. And after all that talk about how much he hates adults and how "phony" they all are. Yes, those were his words exactly. I've never heard him use it till this year, but he seems to have taken an amazing liking to it. Nowadays, every other word that comes out of his mouth is "phony," or, and the one, and this is the one that I'm really worried about: "depressing." He finds everything 's depressing me. Kids, whoever told you that all your troubles end with death, let me tell you, it's all one big headache.

December 19, 3 AMV

Third time's the charm, right? Wrong. He barely lasted a semester at this Pencey place. Oh sure, it's a fancy academy and all, but honestly, it was a horrible place from what I saw. Then again, I was only ever with Holden, so I probably missed much of it. That's what worries me in fact. I mean, sure he met a few people, but nobody that he really became friends with. There were these two kids, Paul Campbell and Robert something or other, and I thought he really, genuinely liked them, but he almost never spent any time with them. Seriously, he spend more time with that annoying, pimply kid than with those two. I am in fact starting to entertain the notion that my brother is a masochist. That or he's a very very lonely person. God, I hope he's a masochist. I wish Jane went to the same school as him. That's our, or I guess, their, neighbor. They met at the pool and I dunno, I think he likes her, no, I know he likes her. More than anybody else I've seen. Certainly more than that Sally Hayes character.

P.S. He bought a hunting hat today. It's bright red and looks really awkward o him, but he seems to love it. Just leave it to Holden.

December 20, 3 AMD

Well, it's official. My brother's gone nuts. He just left the school and went to New York. NEW YORK! He's on the way there right now. He got in a fight with his roommate and just up and left. It was over that girl, Jane. Would you believe that she's actually here? And with Holden's roommate no less? Small world, I suppose. Oh, and something else happened just before he left. He had to write a composition about something descriptive and he decided to write about my baseball mitt. On one hand it's sweet that he still has that old thing with him, but on the other … I feel like he has a hard time growing up. Letting go of me.

December 22, 3 AMD

I shall not comment on the last two days. Let's just say that he must really be seeking some human interaction, because he made some very .. uhm .. questionable choices. He's at Mr. Antolini's now. Sleeping. Earlier he went to visit Phoebe. They talked a little. Danced for a bit. Phoebe did the whole "head under pillow" thing. The usual... He gave her the hat... Yeah... I think he's starting to feel a little better. Or maybe not. He has always seemed a lot happier when he was with Phoebe. She does have that effect on people. Oh well. Here's to hoping that I'm not getting my hopes up for nothing.

December 23, 3 AMD

Disaster! Or Maria and Mirabella, what have you DONE, Mr. Antolini?! What about Holden's behavior made you think that it would be a good idea to stroke his hair while he was SLEEPING?! He's just looking for an excuse to alienate people. To run away from his problems like he did as a kid. He trusts one person, ONE PERSON, and you do THIS?! He's been talking so much about leaving latel. I never paid much attention to it before, but now I am a little worried. This might just be the thing that finally drives him over the edge. I hope not. I really do.

December 23, 3 AMV (Later in the evening)
Seems I was worried in vain. A day with Phoeb changed his mind. She also gave him back the cap. He seems to really care for that cap. It represents something to him. It could be love... Affection? Family? Well whichever it is, it's certainly more than just another random souvenir he bought for a buck at the corner store. Or maybe it is. Maybe that's what makes it amazing.

She was mad at him again. Lately, she seems to get mad a lot easier than before. Or maybe it's just with Holden? Now that i think about it, I've been so obsessed with Holden that I completely forgot about Phoebe. I simply assumed that she could take care of herself. She's that type of person you know. No, that's no excuse. I'll spend more time with here after all this is over.

Something changed at the carousel. I can't really describe it. I'm not even sure what happened. Maybe, just maybe watching that old thing go round and round again awakened something in him? I dunno. For the first time, he seemed genuinely happy. Just watching his little sister go round and round, reaching for that golden ring. Even when the rain came. In fact, he seemed even happier when the rain came. I can't really describe it, at least not very accurately, but something changed today. It really did. I can just feel it. It was the carousel. It's always been there. Always spinning. Always playing that exact same song. And that ring. Sometimes it feels like Holden is reaching for his own little "ring." I'd like to think that he got just a little bit closer today.

December 24, 3 AMD

I said I was going to spend a little more time with Phoeb. See how she's coping with my death. It seems I lied. As much as I would love to, the powers above think that my job here is done. Even now I can feel the pull. To Heaven supposedly, although the alternative is also possible. It's Ok though. I feel ready, whichever it is. Maybe, it's time for me to move on as well. I can feel the pull getting stronger, but if I get a second chance at going out, I'm gonna go out my way. So, for my last words: Goodbye Cruel World!