Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, based on the characters created by Ms Proulx in her story "Brokeback Mountain" and was written for fun, not profit.
Mother and Son.
Jack and Ennis had parted on less than friendly terms, the weight of their years of denial, longing and need to be together causing a heavy burden on their relationship. Ennis had fallen apart in his arms and he wondered if this was to be a turning point for them. Would they part ways or would Ennis finally follow his heart… the latter Jack hoped and prayed as he pulled up outside the farmhouse.
Flinging the door open, he jumped out of the cabin, grabbed his bags from the back of the truck, and strode up to the house. He levered the screen door open with his boot, allowing it to slam shut behind him in an act of defiant mischief that always earned him a scolding when he was a boy. As it was, he only dared to act up a little because he had passed his Daddy and Uncle Harold driving in to town. Jack's mama had always been partial to her son's sense of fun, but his daddy had to be the most humourless man Jack had ever known.
Hell, as quiet and serious as Ennis was most of the time, even he knew how to laugh at Jack's horsin' around when the mood struck. Jack smiled at the memory of that mischievous smile, made even more so by the all too innocent expression Ennis managed to get on his face when he was up to no good.
"Godammit, you've still got it bad, Twist, can't last a fuckin' minute without thinking about him," Jack berated himself as he felt his jeans tighten as a natural consequence of such thoughts.
"Thought 'twere getting on to time for your next visit, and let me tell you Jack Twist,
if'n you weren't all grown up I'd make you go outside and open and close that door until you could do it quiet like," Mrs Twist said as she stepped into the hallway, wiping her hands on her apron and smiling affectionately at her son.
Jack tucked his bag under his arm, doffed his hat respectfully and held it in front of his bulging crotch, the last thing he wanted his mama to see, that's for sure! However a flash of memory hit him with full, lustful force when he realised he was unconsciously imitating something Ennis had done so long ago, and he could barely stifle the needy groan that threatened to escape.
"Sorry Ma, but me hands are full. Had to use me foot to open the door. I'll just put these bags upstairs and then I'll be back with a proper hello," Jack said, with an apologetic smile for the woman who had come to greet him.
"I'm surprised you got anything in them bags, you left a heap of dirty laundry last time you were here. It's all washed and folded and put away." Jack froze in his tracks, with one foot on the bottom step and his heart in his mouth.
Surely she hadn't? Nah, his mama wouldn't have looked in there for dirty clothes, would she? He asked himself, suddenly fearful for his most precious possessions.
Without a word or a thought to how strangely his mother would think he was behaving, he dropped his bags and bolted up the stairs two at a time, raced into his room and flung the closet door open. He reached into the little nook in the back corner and almost fainted with relief when his hand touched the rough denim and felt the softness of worn cotton beneath it. Bringing the sleeve to his lips, he closed his eyes and whispered the words neither had ever said to each other but were so true nonetheless. "Love you, cowboy."
"Jack darlin'?" He thought he heard Ennis say. "Jack?" A frown of confusion creased Jack's brow. That sounded more like his mama.
"That one of his… one of Ennis's shirts?" A simple question, but so totally unexpected that Jack croaked out a 'yeah' before he realised what he was doing. "Thought so, left it alone because I figured it must've been a keepsake, what with the way you feel about him and all."
Jack felt the colour drain from his face and he broke out in a nervous sweat. Without a word, not that he could even find enough spit to wet his voice box, he moved the shirts back into their once secret place, walked over to his bed and flopped down heavily, covering his eyes with his arm.
"How did you find out?" his voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper He was suddenly afraid that somehow word had got out in the town or even a worse thought, at the prayer meetings his mother still attended.
Despite telling Ennis over and over again that nothing would happen, no one with tire irons would come after them, he was no longer naïve enough to believe it was not possible, not that he would ever admit it to Ennis. In the almost twenty years they had been lovers, he had heard of one poor fella in these parts and another closer to his home in Childress who had been bashed to death, supposedly in a drunken brawl. Jack knew for a fact that the poor bastard from home was queer, but he was also a teetotaller.
"A Mother can sense these things, darlin', especially when her boy comes home from shepherding happier than he's ever been, head over heels in love… and not with his new wife. Been in love with him a long time, haven't you, son?" The soft, shy smile on her son's face was answer enough.
"Are you ashamed of me for loving Ennis, Mama?"
"Goes against what the preacher says, you both being men, and all… but the way I see it, can't argue with the Lord. I prayed often enough for Him to give you someone to love, someone who made you happy, and if'n he saw fit to make that someone another man, then so be it."
"Does Daddy know?" Jack asked.
"Well, he didn't cotton on at first, just thought the love light in your eyes was shining for Lureen, but after listenin' to you talk non stop about a certain cowboy, and seeing how your eyes smouldered with need and want whenever you mentioned Ennis's name… well he put two and two together," she replied with a noncommittal shrug of her shoulders
"Guess he's none to pleased 'bout the situation, if'n he even cares. Probably shames him to know his son is doin' it with man," Jack commented with the bitterness borne of years of emotional distance that had come between him and his daddy, neither having much time for the other these days.
"Well, maybe so," his mother was forced to agree as she sat next to Jack and took his hand, "and I know you probably don't believe this, but as ornery and as cold hearted as your daddy can be towards you at times, deep down he does love you and wants you to be happy."
"If you say so," Jack's morose response was accompanied by derisive snort that earned him a disappointed glare.
"Son, in all those times you mentioned bringing your Ennis here, knowing how it would be with you two, did he ever once raise his voice to object?" A simple enough question and one that had never occurred to him to ask of himself
"No, ma'am, can't say I recall him ever telling me no," Jack replied shaking his head as what his mama was saying sunk in, maybe he had misjudged the old sonofabitch too harshly. Still, an outward sign of affection or approval or anything fatherly like would have been nice once in a while.
"So why do I always get the feeling that he never wanted me?" The answer to that question lay hidden in the past, and would not be easy in the telling but the time Jack's mama had always dreaded had come. She looked back towards the closet for a moment, and then as if she had decided something important, perhaps it was time to tell Jack the truth.
"We can talk some more downstairs. Want some coffee?" She asked leaning down yo kiss her son's brow.
"Mmmm… coffee sounds good, and if I'm not mistaken, there's a freshly baked cake to go with it, " Jack observed, tenderly wiping the small white streak of flour from his mama's cheek.
Mother and son settled at the kitchen table, sharing coffee and cake and a strangely uncomfortable silence that was finally broken by the woman's soft voice.
"Jack, I'm gonna tell you a story, and I know the words won't come easy so don't interrupt, you can ask your questions when I am done," his mama said, the blush that had already coloured he cheeks telling Jack she was ashamed of whatever it was she wanted him to hear.
"My mama used to say that there never was a heart that would listen to reason, mo matter the consequences, and that was true enough when I met your daddy. Even though he was a big name on the rodeo circuit, and. had won a right decent amount of prize money, enough to buy this ranch and settle down, my folks thought he was no good. But we were in love and wanted to be together so we got married.
We was happy as could be when I found out I was expectin' and I never seen a more proud look on his face when he held you for the first time, and how he bragged about you to the other cowboys when we travelled around the rodeo circuit! Mama used to accuse me of being a poor mother, dragging you away from home when you were so young, but we were a family and wanted to be together.
Anyway, one year you had taken ill with a real bad dose of that influenza around rodeo season and I had to stay behind to take care of you. Your daddy was so worried about you that he offered to give the rodeo a miss that year, but we both knew he really wanted to go and the extra money he earned always came in handy, so off he went.
The next day I woke up to find you could hardly breathe and knew I had to get you to hospital real fast, so I bundled you up and ran shouting for one of the ranch hands to drive me to town. Turned out you had pneumonia and had to stay in hospital for a few weeks and I was mighty relieved when the nurse said I could set a cot up in your room rather than have to find my way home everyday.
Now your doctor was a really nice young man, not long out of medical school and after he visited with you, he would insist I go with him for some coffee and a bite to eat. He talked up a storm, made me laugh and I was grateful for the company, but more than that, we became very close and I realised that I was in love with him, and he with me."
"But you were a married woman, what about Daddy?" Jack could not keep his silence at this startling revelation.
"Oh, I loved your father, still do in a friendly kind of way, but I was hopelessly in love with Bill. He made me feel things I never felt with anyone else, and I wanted so badly to be with him, but it was just impossible." Now that was a feeling Jack well understood.
"Did you still see him after I was better and Daddy came home?" Jack asked, the wistful look in his mama's eye already giving him the answer.
"As often as we could manage… I attended quite a few extra 'prayer meetings' knowing I was damning my soul for using the Lord to lie, but doing it anyway. Kinda like your 'fishing trips' with Ennis," she said with a sad smile, hating that Jack was being unfaithful to Lureen but understanding why.
"Why, couldn't you just get divorced and be with him?" Jack asked. That solution seemed simple for a man and woman, Ennis's divorce had made no difference to the problems he imagined the two men would have were they to live together.
"I wanted to, and we even talked about running away together, but I said no, I had to face up to your daddy and make a clean break. Bill thought it was a real bad idea, and we fought. I was so upset at the thought of losing him that I asked your daddy for a divorce that night.
Naturally he accused me of being a 'scarlet woman', a sinner unfit to be a mother and threatened to take you away from me. Deep in my heart I knew I was all those things and deserved to be treated as such, but when I thought of Bill… it all just seemed so right. I didn't want to give either of you up, and I was so confused that I didn't know what to do. In the end the choice was taken from me.
I had arranged to meet Bill and explain that, for your sake, I had to stay with your daddy, but he never showed. I waited for hours and when I finally went home, your daddy told me that Bill had been killed in a car accident… run off the road by an eighteen wheeler." The sad woman allowed her tears to fall at the memory of her lost lover and Jack moved around the table to take his mama in his arms.
"Someone do it on purpose?" Jack had to ask, suspecting that that 'someone' might have been doing his daddy's bidding. Just as Ennis always believed a tire iron was waiting for one of them, so too, was a shotgun or some such often used to deal with the lover of a wayward wife.
"I tell myself no… I couldn't stand to be here if I thought otherwise," she replied. ."I never even had a chance to tell him I was sorry or to say goodbye. But at least I can tell you how sorry I am," she added holding Jack close.
"Sorry for what?" Jack shook his head with confusion.
"Sorry that your daddy blames you getting sick for what I done, that every time he hears you speak about your lover and not your wife, he is reminded of the past. And sorry that you and Ennis are suffering just the same as I once did," she added, squeezing Jack's hand as she moved away to splash a little cold water on her face.
Mixed thoughts and feelings tumbled through Jack's mind like the river water running over the rocks up on Brokeback and he put his hand to his forehead as if that could stem the flow of his own tears.
"No need for you to cry over it, Jack darlin', ain't none of it was your doin'," his mama said with concern.
"I'm mighty grateful for your honesty and it certainly explains a lot about daddy but it's not what's upsetting me, it's just something you said… Ennis and I fought before I left, and I was imagining how bad I would feel if I never got to tell him I was sorry."