Minerva's Jenny Jones Paternity Test
Jenny Jones is standing on stage with a microphone. Minerva McGonagall is sitting behind her.
JENNY: Today on Jenny Jones-shocking paternity tests, part sixteen! Let's meet our first guest. Minerva, could you stand?
Minerva stands up.
JENNY: Minerva's a month pregnant, and she's got so many lovers she doesn't know which one fathered her baby! Paternity candidate number one, could you come out? Albus, come out and sit down.
Albus Dumbledore comes out and sits down in a chair to Minerva's right. Minerva sits down as well.
JENNY: Now Albus, how could you define the extent of your relationship with Minerva?
ALBUS: Well, she's my steady girlfriend. We've been dating for about five months now. I didn't know she had any other lovers.
JENNY: And Minerva? What do you have to say about Albus?
MINERVA: Well, frankly, he's really old.
ALBUS: I'm only 92!
JENNY: Let's bring out the next guest…come on out, Severus!
Severus Snape comes out and sits down to Albus' right.
SEVERUS: Headmaster? Ugh, god, that's disgusting.
ALBUS: Severus? You're banging my broad on the sly?
MINERVA: Only once. He was drunk, I was horny…it was all good fun.
SEVERUS: Ick! Dumbledore and Minerva! That is the most DISGUSTING thing I could possibly think of other than Granger and Potter with Longbottom joining in halfway…oh god, now I'm thinking about that too.
JENNY: Now, let's see possible father number three! Draco, could you please come to the stage!
Draco Malfoy comes out and sits next to Severus.
SEVERUS: Ugh! God! Draco! I'm gonna have nightmares tonight about something other than being dangled upside-down by Potter and Black…hey, that could be a refreshing change!
DUMBLEDORE: Doesn't statutory rape come in here somewhere?
JENNY: How many times did you have sex with Minerva, Draco?
DRACO: Only once. I was just trying to cool off my amazing lust for women. Women! I love the ladies! Professor Snape, may I lick your ear?
SEVERUS: NO, YOU FREAK!!!
DRACO: It was just a question…
JENNY: And finally, let's welcome our final guest…Lucius!
Lucius Malfoy comes out. Lucius and Draco gape at each other until Lucius sits down.
DRACO: Dad? You're married!
LUCIUS: Son? You're gay!
DRACO: Do you have to tell everyone?
LUCIUS: Draco, it's really obvious.
DRACO: Yeah, I should probably stop asking Professor Snape if I can chew on his neck like a vampire.
SEVERUS: Yes! Please! Stop!
JENNY: Well, Minerva, between Albus, Severus, Draco, and Lucius…which one would you like to be the father?
MINERVA: I'm trying to decide between Lucius because he can pay the most child support and Albus because he's going to die soon. But frankly, I'd be surprised if Albus' mini-Albuses could really make the swim up to my eggs anymore.
ALBUS: Hey, I use magic to get my boys ready to go!
JENNY: Viagra?
ALBUS: No, real magic.
JENNY: Oh. Well, I've got the results right here. Albus, do you want to be the father?
ALBUS: Hell no!
JENNY: Well, that's good, because you're not the father!
ALBUS: Yes! I'd do a little victory dance, but I'm too old!
JENNY: Yes. Well, Severus, I assume you don't want to be a father?
SEVERUS: Being a father is right up there with actually drinking one of Longbottom's potions.
JENNY: I don't know what that means, but…you're not the father!
SEVERUS: Excellent. Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!!!!
JENNY: Well, Draco, I assume you don't want to be a father…
DRACO: Not unless Professor Snape and I could raise the little darling together…
SEVERUS: No! Hell, no!
JENNY: Sorry, Draco, you're not the father.
DRACO: Ah, well, Severus and I are still young.
SEVERUS: Don't call me Severus!
LUCIUS: Well, I guess I'm the father. Oh, well, it's not that bad. If it's a boy, he'll be the non-fruity son I never had, and if it's a girl…well, odds are she'll still be more masculine than Draco.
DRACO: Hey!
JENNY: Well, Lucius, I suppose…you're not the father? What?
MINERVA: Then who's my baby's daddy?
Jenny scans the piece of paper she's holding.
JENNY: Uhhhh…hey, you're not pregnant!
MINERVA: Yes! Yes! Now I can go back to my carefree life of casual sex with all of Hogwarts as my harem! I think Lockhart's next on my list. Even if he is mentally disturbed, Snape's probably worse and he was good enough.
A woman and some cops come onto the stage. The woman sticks her badge in front of Minerva's face.
WOMAN: Not so fast.
MINERVA: Who the hell are you?
WOMAN: Olivia Benson, NYPD. Minerva McGonagall, you're under arrest for the statutory rape of Draco Malfoy.
Minerva stands up. A cop slaps handcuffs on her. Everyone else on the stage is gawking at her.
MINERVA: Oh, honestly! I live in England! And I don't even know if we're in New York!
She is led off stage.
OLIVIA: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one…
JENNY: God! We'll rerun this a million times! An on-air arrest! This is ratings gold! See you next time on Jenny Jones!