frst tme wriitter, pls n flme

first time writer. summary sucks but story is better i promise. flames will be used to cook MARSHMALLOWS :))))) please review

I don't own the game Truth or Dare.

*************because a plain line is boring******************************

I lived. I died. I was alive. I was dead.

This is the life of Harry Potter.

Chapter 1.

I was born in Suffix County England. I was told this by my parents. Before they died.

That's right. They died. I hope you're happy, thinking all these terrible things about me! Just remember, I had no parents. You did. Look who feels stupid now. (It's you, it's always been you). (If you didn't have parents, then you're cool like me).

My fellow scholar, Aaron, says that he was an immaculate birth, (as in, perfectly immaculate, get with the flow, Jesus). That means he's cool like me. He doesn't have that taint of human flesh.

But back to the story. It's not a story. It's history. A history of gods. More specifically of me. The god. Harry Potter.

When I was one year old I remembered that I was super awesome, and I caught the snitch in my family's quidditch game. They knew I was special. You should too.

I had a tiny kid broom. I used it to surf around the house, looking super awesome cool and godlike. It couldn't go fast, so I imbued it with my awesome raw magical power so that it would go three times the speed of a light year. That's how awesome I am.

Sirius and Lupin and my mum and da were playing a quidditch game against Professor McGonagall, Snape, Alice and Frank Longbottom.

They were discussing what their plans were if they died during the war. I overheard Alice and Frank saying that they had a memory casket stored in my parent's house so that if they were attacked the memories could be passed on to Neville. I stored this in my super-long lasting memory (note that is super-long, not super long-lasting, but it is super long-lasting too).

That done, I saw the snitch right in front of Snapes' nose. I zoomed ahead at full speed, and caught the snitch before Snape even noticed it was there. Aw Yea. #quidditchballer

My parents were really happy for my awesomeness. When I returned they congratulated me and then screamed because they realized I was only one. They realized that I was a genius, and so they sent me to work at an Apple Store in the Genius Bar.

They got arrested for making me do forced child labor (and letting me serve and drink alcohol, and lots of other things really). The jailer was named Voldemort. He hated terrible people, and he killed them while they were in jail. He kills inmates who didn't deserve to go back to society.

Because my parents were killed (one reason out of 190302489 explaining why I'm awesome) I was given to Alice and Frank Longbottom to live with. Alice and Frank was a really nice personish thing. Alice and Frank is a castrated male dragon. Alice and Frank raised me with their dragon son, Neville Longbottom. We became super awesome dragon pals. I was a dragon rider and I was taught to ride on Neville. That sounds sexual but it isn't. That was a purely platonic relationship.

On Halloween, a crazy escaped inmate named Bellatrix Lestrange found Alice and Frank, and because she hated dragons she tortured Alice and Frank into insanity. Alice and Frank could have fought back, but because he is a nice dragon he did not fight back and became insane.

Time skip.

Now it's 780 AD.

You may have thought that I was skipping forwards in time to when I was older. You are wrong. It is now 780 AD.

You aren't alive yet. How does that make you feel? Nothing. Because you aren't alive.

Time skip.

Now it's the 1980s. (I don't know the exact time, because who really pays attention to dates? I sure don't. That's why I don't like history quizzes.)

Because Bellatrix tortured Frank and Alice I was forced to run away with Neville. We flew to the US. I learned how to speak da merican speak. Now I will try not to do that anymore.

We decided to go to New York, where I met a cool dude named Tony Stark. Tony is a female witch from the 1970s. He's really good with toilets, so he's a plumber. He met Mario (at comicon).

I didn't like him, so I went back to Suffix, partially so I could get a suffix for my name. Because you can only get suffixes in Suffix. Longbottom (that's cause he has a tail) realized that we were now Elven, so we could go to Hogwarts. That's because there is no age limit for the Elven People. We decided to go to Hogwarts. Once we were there, we didn't go to classes for 10 years. (That means that he went to school with the people from cannon, because he was one when he left).

The School Years.

It was time for school. I'm awesome and all, so I knew to arrive early to get on the Hogwarts Express. I went onto the platform at 7:00 pm, and slept in a corner until it was time to go. I had Neville as a blanket though so I was warm. (dragon wings are warm).

I was woken up by the shrill screech of an owl. It was Harry Potter's owl. Oh wait, that's me. I have an owl.

It was 9:00 am, so I had two hours until the train left. I got on the train and sat in a compartment. I was bored, so I transfigured a pool out of one of the benches. I went swimming until 10:45 am, when I was interrupted by a girl coming in. She introduced herself as The Thermionic Ranger. That's her nickname (and spell check correction), her real name is Hermione Granger.

We became the best of friends. Later Ron Weasely came in and demanded that she leave the compartment so that he could spend time with his hero. (That's me!). I demanded Ron leave because he is a terrible person, who hated muggles because his cousin is a muggle but he doesn't talk to the muggle person. He's also a terrible person because I just simply knew that he would abandon me the moment that anything difficult came around. Then Draco Malfoy came in. He was really jelly of Neville, because Neville is an actual dragon but Draco is just named after one. Draco and I became the second best of friends (my first is Hermione - The thermionic ranger). Dracos father always gave him everything, which could have made him a spoiled brat but it didn't, because Draco is too cool for that. Draco it turns out always wanted to be a dragon, in fact, he asked his dad to make him a dragon, but his dad wasn't able to. (#moneycan'tbuyhappiness [A/N: credit to the best]).

The train arrived and we took the boats over.

The four of us walked hand in hand into the great hall.