Rachel's mother gets the news of her daughter's death.
I am Rachel's mom. Yes, the Animorph Rachel. I used to imagine what would happen after this war was over if we won. I had been around enough celebrities in my work to know what the fame does to people. I worried about Rachel and Jordan and Sarah. Could they handle it? Could I handle it? Only known as the mother of a killer?
The dozen or so of us had been thrown into a vacant conference room in one of the government building here in DC. We were waiting for news about this battle. I was worried. I didn't know all the details but it seemed like something dangerous, more so than usual, was going on.
Eva and Peter were huddled close together, whispering worriedly. Walter looked like he was trying to keep his wife from bursting into tears. Loren was helping Walter reassure Alicia. My own daughters were silent for a few moments. It was a relief to not have to answer their questions that I secretly worried about myself. Were Rachel and her friends safe? Where is Daddy? Is he alive?
The truth is I am scared of Rachel. To think that this monstrous killing thing came out of my body was unbelievable. I've seen her fight before and she go crazy. The past three years made Rachel change in a way I never imagined. Now that I know the timeline I can differentiate between how she was before she got the power to morph and after. She was so innocent and loving. Now Rachel is excited about killing things and so intense all the time. Not exactly what you want your child to be like.
I never knew true fear before my eldest daughter morphed that large animal and took my daughters and I away from all we had ever known. She had saved us from uncertain death or infestation. I still say that word with disbelief. It's like those Alien movies but I believe the Yeerks are worse. That fear of the unknown combined with my concern for my daughters and anger at having to leave my life behind caused me to lash out at Rachel. I felt like I had to blame someone.
To think of how Rachel must see me now makes me cringe inwardly. I know she must nearly hate me. I would if I was my mother. Now she is in battle doing God knows what. I just want to make things right. It's amazing what the first hot shower in five months can do to lift your mood. I-
"NNNooooo!!" I whipped my head around in surprise to see Jordan on the floor sobbing. I saw and I knew. The pitying look of FbI agents aimed at me. The others own eyes were filling with tears. Loren was heading of to me to comfort me. I could not- Could not what? I don't know? My mind was going crazy. My breathing grew heavy as I looked toward the harbinger of this hell.
"Ms. Barenson, I'm sorry but your daughter was killed in the battle with the Yeerks." I screamed. This couldn't be. She couldn't be dead. She was my child. I had carried her for nine months and raised her for sixteen years. This could not just end. Not now when we could finally be happy. It couldn't really be over.
I went over to Jordan and covered her body that was convulsing violently with sobs. We stumbled toward a chair. Sarah found me and climbed in my lap and buried her head in my chest. I held her tighter than I ever had before. She wasn't going to leave me. I wouldn't allow it. I would die before that happened. The three of us held each other for long moments until my head cleared enough to become aware of the others in the room.
I looked at the uncomfortable messenger surrounded by crying and mourning that she had caused inadvertently.
"How did she die?" I choked out as calmly as I could manage.
The woman looked stricken. "She died in battle with the Yeerks. I believe, she was on the Dome ship and was caught alone. She died honorably."
"Honorably? What does that mean to me? That is not going to bring her back." I shouted then immediately felt sorry.
"I'm sorry. It's just-"I offered to the woman before I could not maintain my composure any longer. This seemed so unreal. Rachel just could not be dead. Just hours ago I had seen her vibrant and ready for battle. Ready for her death almost. Rachel had been different that day. I had never seen her so determined or scared. She told me she was afraid. I had never heard that from her before, and she confided in me.
Loren pried Jordan from me and hugged her tight. I stopped crying a little and just stared around me in disbelief at the mourning going on around me. Alicia, Cassie's mother, came over to me and hugged me. Over her shoulder the door opened.
Jean, my ex-sister-in-law, walked in. I extracted myself from Sarah and Alicia and rushed over to her. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.
"I'm so sorry about Rachel." She paused and took a deep breath. "Rachel had to do what she had to. I forgive her." I looked at her in confusion.
"For what?" I asked not really wanting to know.
"For kil- kil- killing Tom. It had to be." Jean choked out.
Rachel killed her cousin. I walked away from Jean not knowing what I was doing. I looked down and saw Sarah.
"Rachel killed Tom? Why Mommy? You not supposed to kill people unless they do something bad to you." These were the morals my ten year old was learning.
I didn't know what to say. "It was a mistake." Loren glanced at me and lead Sarah away to talk.
I sat down bewildered. Suddenly it became clear. Jake and her had snuck away a couple of time alone thinking I hadn't noticed. That's why she had softened toward me and told me she was scared. That was why. She knew she was going to die. My baby knew she was going to die and she didn't tell me. And Jake ordered her.
I looked at Jean across the room, trying to talk to Peter and Eva. "Your son killed my daughter." I whispered vehemently to myself.
I had never known true hate before. I have a temper, but nothing like this. Jake sent my daughter to her death. He killed her. If he was in the room right now, I might try and kill him. Somewhere the irony of my murderous urges struck me as funny and I started to laugh sardonically. Loren glanced up and looked at me strangely.
I who caused so much trouble when we in the Hork-Bajir Valley because all I could think about was how this was so dangerous. I who put everyone in danger by acting up and attempting to run away. I who mas angry at Rachel for turning into a seasoned soldier, ruthless and fierce. I who thought my behavior was correct at the time. The other parents did not act this way at all and tried to tell me. Yet now I who thought I would have time to make things better with Rachel. Yet my daughter is dead stronger and braver than I. I am a fool. I continue to laugh.