AN: The song, cover image and the characters do not belong to me.
Belong
"Wake up lonely with you by my side
One more night it doesn't feel
There are movies playing in your eyes
You dream of our fortunes
But you're wrong
I don't belong to you
The moon is the only friend I have outside
One more drink and I'll be healed
I told you the words and then knew it was a lie
I wish I could offer an appeal
You're wrong
I don't belong
You're wrong
I don't belong to you"
-The Cary Brothers
Killian woke with a start, jerking to sudden awareness, his lithe body automatically tensing in the darkness. As he filtered his surroundings, Killian realized that there was nothing threatening in the vicinity and allowed for his body to relax. It was just a dream, Killian thought, his throat completely clogged up with fear and adrenaline. Only it wasn't really a dream. Killian clutched his chest as a sudden longing pierced through him. Milah, his mind viciously reminded him. He had been dreaming of her murder once more, her on her knees in front of him, begging, pleading for him to save her. He watched as the filthy crocodile, who didn't deserve to have his disgusting hands anywhere near Milah, dragged her up and plunged his hand into her chest, ripping out her heart. He glanced over to see his partner still sound asleep, her even breathes filling the silence of the room. Not wanting to wake her, especially knowing that he didn't particularly want to mention his recurring nightmares, Killian opted to get up and head over to the balcony where he could at least get some fresh air. Poor Emma, he thought, I'll never be able to give her what she wants. There was only one person who was ever able to take my heart, he continued thinking, but knowing that in his selfishness he would keep being with Emma, would continue pursuing her because at least with Emma, it was easier to pretend. Perhaps a better man would have felt guilty for the deception of a beautiful young woman who was really trying to move past her fears and insecurities and who would one day surely come to love him, but Killian had not been a good man in such a long time. Sudden despair of his situation, at the thought of having second best when he knew what it was like to have everything he ever wanted consumed him and he began to break down under its enormous weight.
Emma woke up, sensing movement from her partner as he got up to walk over to the balcony. Feigning still being asleep, Emma strained to hear her lover as he opened the balcony doors and closed them behind him. Sitting up slightly, she debated getting up and following him out into the fresh air of the night. A sudden sob poured in from the outside and Emma sat up completely startled. She watched the man she loved completely fall apart on her balcony, heaving seemingly endless sobs into the darkness.
"Killian," Emma cried as she ran over to him, thrusting open the balcony doors and embracing him tightly. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" She clutched him tightly within her arms. Killian stiffened initially at her embrace but then placed his arms around her cautiously, the sobs still pouring from his shaking form. These are not the arms that I want, he thought, closing his eyes and the ache in his chest expanded until it utterly consumed his every thought. There was no response to her questions and the two of them remained outside in the chilly air of the night.
The next morning, Emma kept studying her partner during breakfast. He appeared to be more subdued than normal but he didn't look sick.
"Killian, are you okay?" Emma questioned softly, reaching out to take his hands in her own. He immediately withdrew his hands and stood up from the table. It's too much, Killian thought, there was no way he was in any way prepared to deal with her questions. I'm not okay, I won't ever be okay, was the words he should have said.
"I'm fine, love," he said gruffly. Before she could say anything else, he strode purposely out of the kitchen. "I'll see you later, lass. I've got some business to take care of," Killian stated without a second glance at her fallen expression. Emma was left at the table with endless questions. She left for work with an uneasiness beginning to settle in her stomach.
Emma's day was conspiring against her, she was sure of it. The normally bustling day was completely silent, leaving her to ponder the actions of her lover the night before. As she rocked in her office chair, Emma kept questioning what could have driven her lover to appear so broken. Her wonderings were interrupted when her cell phone rang, the shrill noise piercing through the quietness of the day.
"Hello?" Emma answered quickly, eager to have something to do.
"Love? Emma? I need you," Killian's voice responded urgently. "Please, love, I need you," he demanded gruffly before hanging up the phone. Emma knew that his place was only a block away and opted to race there on foot. She bounded up the stairs and approached his apartment, knocking roughly onto the door. The door swung open quickly and Killian reached out and yanked Emma into his apartment before slamming the door behind her.
"Killian, what's wro—," Emma attempted to ask before she was silenced as Killian shoved her against the wall and began to kiss her urgently. His hands intertwined with hers as he held her hostage for a few brief moments. Emma attempted several times to detach herself but Killian moved from kissing her mouth to kissing her jaw, her cheeks, her neck. Finally she had enough with his surprising behavior and shoved him away.
"What the hell Killian? What is up with you?" Emma demanded. Killian's face darkened and his expression turned mocking. I can't give you more, he thought desperately, all I have to give you is gone. But she wasn't able to take what little he was able to give away, just a few meager moments of passion and desire to not be lonely a while.
"I'm sorry, love, I couldn't help myself," he said somewhat sardonically. "Perhaps you aren't the one who can help me after all," he continued. Emma gaped at the implication of his words.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Emma cried out angrily. "Is this about yesterday? If you tell me what's wrong, maybe I can help," she continued in a gentler tone.
"What's wrong," Killian bit out sarcastically, wanting to hurt the woman in front of him as much as he hurt. "What's wrong is that Milah's dead. I won't be able to ever see her again and I have this ache that's never going to go away. You gonna help, Emma? 'Cause if you can't give me what I need, then maybe you should just leave." He glared down at Emma, awaiting her response, knowing that in the end she would choose to stay with him like always. He approached her slowly, embracing her and whispering in her ear, "Can you help me out Emma?" He expected her to submit to his whims, to allow herself to fall into his arms because she was just like him, pining for someone that was lost forever but he found himself completely surprised.
Emma shoved him away from her, tears in her eyes. She refused to cry in front of him but his words cut at her. Why was she never enough? She hadn't been enough for all the homes that had wanted a child but threw her away once they received whom they had been given. Thrown away by her own mother and father to save a kingdom of people who she had never met and then thrown away by the one who was given the responsibility of caring for her. There had been no one who ever wanted her. No one except Neal, her mind whispered. But even he hadn't wanted her damaged goods. And now it was happening all over again with a different man who, in the same pattern of her life, wanted someone else.
"Killian, why are you bringing this up now? It's been years since her murder and we've been together for so long now, is she still that important to you?" Emma demanded of her lover. She thought of all the days they had spent together, the painstakingly slow process that had been the start of their relationship, and of the wonderful nights they've had since. She needed to hear that at least once in her life she had been able to find someone who would put her first, who actually wanted her for her. "Killian, I thought you told me that you had moved on, that you were ready to start a relationship with me," she continued softly. Please tell me what I need to hear, she pleaded silently.
"Moved on?" Killian repeated incredulously. He started laughing mockingly, completely shattering the remaining pieces of her already broken heart, before reaching out to pull her into her arms. His face was inches from hers, his stormy blue eyes peering right at her emerald green. "Don't you get it, Emma? There will never be anyone else; I will never move on from Milah. She was—is my everything," he whispered softly. Not being able to think about anything else, Emma pried herself from his arms and ran out from his apartment. She kept running all the way back to her own place, unable to stop the flood of tears that his words had sparked.
Once she got back to her apartment, Emma sat out on the balcony, no longer crying but still giving the occasional hiccup. She kept thinking about Killian and the time that they had spent together as a couple. She could easily remember the first time she told him that she loved him, effortlessly recall the first time he had called her, his. The first time they had slept together, Emma remembering thinking how everything finally seemed to be right. How, finally, after all the heartbreaking experiences in life the two of them had had in the past, they finally were able to find someplace to belong. Only now it was clear, that neither of them really belonged to each other—they were too broken and jaded to ever belong again.