A/N: Just a crack one-shot from my disturbing imagination, haha. I got this small mosquito bite and thought, what if the only way to cure a bug bite was through sex? Well, enjoy!
Title: LoveBug
Summary: Strange heart-shaped marks on Hitsugaya and Matsumoto are revealed to be bites made by the notorious LoveBug. However, the only cure for this affliction is to have sex? HitsuMatsu
Rating: M!
Pairings: HitsuMatsu
Warnings: Unohana may be a bit OOC later in the story. She's a damn evil genius LOL. and Hitsugaya is a bit romantic, but hey, he was bitten by the LoveBug after all!
Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to its respective owner, this fanfic will not be used for profit anytime, anywhere, blahblahblah.
Read and Review, please!
In Toshiro Hitsugaya's mind, summer was a no-good time of year that instilled happy-go-luckiness and laziness in even the strictest of people.
His opinions were only reinforced when he started noticing weird pink bites on his legs. They must've been made by summer bugs, Hitsugaya surmised in annoyance. The heart-shaped bites spread rapidly, and he found the itchiness distracted him from his growing mounds of paperwork.
"Taichou!" A peppy voice came from behind Hitsugaya as he irritatingly scratched one of the damned bites.
Hitsugaya ignored Matsumoto. She was probably going to ask him if she could go out and buy some popsicles, and God knows she would still go whether or not he let her. It was his luck to have the laziest fukutaichou in the entire Gotei 13.
"Oh, !" Matsumoto sang.
Don't reply, Hitsugaya muttered to himself. Ignore her and she'll go shopping or whatever.
"Mou, Toshiro! Don't ignore me, Shiro-chan!"
Hitsugaya's vein throbbed a little, but he continued signing his paperwork.
Finally, Matsumoto had enough. "Shorty!" She barked, knocking his inkwell over onto his small pile of completed paperwork.
Oh no she didn't.
"I'm. Not. Short." Hitsugaya roared.
It was true. Since the Winter War, Hitsugaya had grown…and grown and grown and grown. He now towered over Matsumoto at a respectable 6'1". However, Matsumoto apparently hadn't gotten the memo and persisted in treating Hitsugaya as if he were still pint-sized.
"Taichou, no need to be so crude to your own fukutaichou," Matsumoto whimpered, suddenly playing the part of the injured lamb.
Apparently, in the Gotel 13, bullying your fukutaichou was grossly unpermitted.
But Matsumoto seemed to conclude that it meant abusing your taichou was perfectly fine.
"Taichou, I also have these creepy bug bites," whined Matsumoto, lifting her haori up and showing off the pinkish bites that marred her slim, bare legs.
Hitsugaya blushed and turned around. "St-Stupid! Cover up!"
Matsumoto seemed to find this amusing. "Awww, how cute! Taichou's embarrassed!"
"S-Shut up!"
"Mou, taichou, what did I say about being mean to your dutiful, loyal fukutaichou?"
"Yeah, right. Dutiful my ass!"
"Taichou, I'm going to cry!" Matsumoto pointed at her aquamarine eyes, where a ringlet of tears was collecting.
"Go ahead." His head started to hurt. Great.
Matsumoto sighed. "No need to be so difficult, taichou. Take a joke!"
"You can joke all you want…after you do your damn paperwork."
"Taichou, damn is a naughty, naughty word. I demand you put a Kan in my Curse Jar!"
Hitsugaya gave up. He resignedly put a dollar in the half-filled Curse Jar (or, as he liked to call it, Matsumoto's Emergency Sake Money).
His pouting fukutaichou immediately brightened up at the sight of his surrendered money, and the crocodile tears vanished as quickly as they'd materialized. "Yay! Thank you, taichou!"
"Yeah, yeah." Hitsugaya bent down to scratch the mysterious bites again, only to discover they'd swollen up and expanded. "Hey, Matsumoto…Have yours gotten larger?"
Matsumoto frowned and looked at her own tanned legs, which were almost completely covered by the rapidly growing marks. "Taichou, I think they're going upwards. They've almost gotten to my thighs."
Hitsugaya reddened a bit at the thought of the heart-shaped bites near his busty fukutaichou's thighs, but Matsumoto was right. The first mark had appeared near his ankle. Now they were up to his knees.
"Maybe we should see Unohana-taichou," Matsumoto suggested.
"Matsumoto, that's the best idea you've had all day."
-oOoOo-
"Oh dear," a worried Unohana murmured. "Oh, dear, oh, dear."
Hitsugaya peered, perplexed, at the muttering Unohana. "Unohana-taichou, is there something wrong?"
"I'm afraid so," she replied, wringing her hands.
Matsumoto chirped in. "It can't be that bad! you just give us some remedy or antidote and we'll be fine, right?"
"I'm afraid it's not that easy, Rangiku-fukutaichou."
"Mou, what do you mean?"
"This," Unohana paused (for dramatic effect, of course), "Is the bite of the notorious, horrible, monstrous, life-changing—"
"What?" Hitsugaya interrupted, exasperated. He had a whole lot of paperwork to get back to.
Unohana stared sharply at the 10th-Division taichou. "As I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me, Hitsugaya-taichou, it is the work of the notorious, horrible, monstrous, life-chaning, dastardly, atrocious, nasty…"
Hitsugaya's forehead vein bulged out, but he (wisely) decided not to interrupt again. He didn't want to die young.
"…horrifying LoveBug." Unohana concluded. "Oh, and by the way, Hitsugaya-taichou, you should probably get that vein checked out. I don't think it's supposed to throb like that."
"LoveBug?" Matsumoto frowned.
"That's right. Its venom is highly poisonous. At this rate you'll be dead in…" Unohana checked the Hello Kitty watch she adorned. "…forty minutes and thirty-two seconds."
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me! That's hardly enough time to finish my paperwork!" Hitsugaya moaned.
"You're worried about the paperwork?" Matsumoto cried.
Hitsugaya ignored his panicking fukutaichou. "Unohana-taichou, is there any treatment for this?"
"Of course!" Unohana replied. "But I don't think you'll be so eager to partake in it."
"I'll do anything!" Matsumoto yelled. "I'm too beautiful to die now!"
A strange, uncharacteristic grin appeared on Unohana's face. "If you say so." She handed Hitsugaya a heavy scroll and strode out the room, pausing in the doorway to explain to the perplexed taichou. "The remedy is written on there. Have fun!"
Hitsugaya stared at the closed door that Unohana had exited from. Why had she been so…weird?
"Taichouuuu, what are you waiting for? Open it!" Matsumoto grabbed the scroll…only to blush scarlet.
"What's wrong, Matsumoto? Matsumoto?" A worried Hitsugaya seized the open parchment and stared at the block letters that lined the sheet:
ROUGH, HOT, DIRTY SEX.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Hitsugaya facepalmed. He was not going to have rough, hot, dirty sex with his fukutaichou…no matter how much he secretly wanted to.
"Well, taichou, now what?"
Hitsugaya shrugged contemplatively. Now that he thought about it, there were no laws strictly forbidding a relationship between a taichou and his fukutaichou…
Unbeknownst to Hitsugaya, Matsumoto was following his line of thought.
For the past month, she'd been having clandestine thoughts about, well, being with Hitsugaya. He was devilishly handsome now, and Matsumoto wasn't immune to his charms.
Oh hell, she decided. I'll just knock him down and see whether he can resist a busty blonde all but asking to sex him up.
Matsumoto looked at Hitsugaya, her eyes seductive. "Taichou—"
Before she could get another word out, hot lips were embracing hers. Matsumoto's vision blurred. He may be a workaholic, but her taichou was a damn good kisser.
As Hitsugaya took off his shirt, Matsumoto mentally thanked God for LoveBugs.
-oOoOo-
A bemused Kyouraku stared at Unohana as she calmly sipped tea. "Well, I didn't expect that of you, Unohana-taichou."
"Their sexual frustration was as thick as Jell-O, quite frankly."
Ukitate laughed. "True, but still…inventing a whole LoveBug story and even managing to create suspicious marks on them… I'm impressed."
Unohana smiled daintily. "Thank you, Ukitake-taichou, but what makes you think I invented the LoveBug?"
Kyouraku began scratching a legion of heart-shaped bite marks on his arm.
A/N: How was it? :D Crack-ish? Hahah.
If anyone wants a Kyouraku/Nanao sequel, leave me a review saying so!
Thanks for reading, ya'll (;
~HauntedMoonlight~