AN: This is the first chapter of my new collab fanfiction… I'm writing it with my best friend HB, we are writing a chapter each. This is chapter 1 written by me… enjoy. Eventual Nouis.
Youth and Whiskey
Smile, Louis. Just smile. That was what I said to myself everyday. I couldn't let the boys, or the fans, see me for what I truly am. I'm broken and worthless, and I cover it up with jokes, smiles and laughter.
"Lou?" Eleanor broke me from my thoughts, she understood some of how I felt, she was a good friend.
"Yes, babe?" I smiled widely at her.
"You spaced out for a bit there, we're back at the hotel," She reached over to squeeze my hand gently. "You ready?"
"Always." She let go of my hand and exited the car. I took a deep breath and Paul opened the car door and the shrill screaming of hundreds of teenage girls reached my ears. Eleanor was waiting for me next to my door. I took her hand, looking around at everyone.
WE LOVE LARRY STYLINSON! Was written on a particularly bright sign, held by four girls, all smiling widely and screamed as I waved at them. If only they knew the truth, in a way I was glad of the popular bromance between Harry and I as it took away the true object of my affection. The fans weren't oblivious, and for that I was great-full they acknowledged my attraction for my younger band mate and his attraction to me. They could tell that something had gone on between us and it had, it was lust not love and we both needed to get it out of our systems. We had gone no further than a very heated kiss and a quick blowjob to expel that from our minds.
I took her hand and the security guard ushered us into the hotel lobby. I let the smile fall from my face again.
"I'm just going to go and put my stuff down and then I think Dani and I are going to get coffee. Is that alright, babe?" she smiled at me.
"Sure, I'm probably going to go up and lie down any way maybe watch a movie or something." I said, that was a lie but El didn't challenge me, she never did.
"Alright but I'll see you later before the gig?" she started to walk towards the girls shared room, walking backwards to talk to me.
"Sure." I answered in one word. She waved, then nodded and walked away. Finally silence. I was alone with my thoughts.
When I reached my door, I really hoped Harry wasn't back yet. I just wanted to be alone the familiar itch was back and I needed relief. The urge had been building all day. I dropped my bag onto the floor with all the rest of my stuff, not really caring at all. The itch had almost become unbearable, I had to do it.
I walked into the bathroom and tore off my jumper exposing the slashes on my biceps and wrists. I found the box, my box, where I kept my razor, bandages and plasters, tissues etc. I couldn't be bothered to be careful today. I let the events of what happened today flood back into my mind. The fans chasing me and Eleanor around the 'mall', god I hated how persistent the American fans were, we did stop to talk to a few lucky girls. Their words stung me, useless, worthless, can't sing, ugly… I placed the razor to my wrist and I lost myself, the red blood so beautiful against the golden brown of my wrist. Nothing mattered to me but the numb feeling, the red drops sliding down my skin.
The pain took away everything else, I breathed for it now, and I lived for this feeling. A flash of blonde against my eyelids, made me press the blade deeper than I ever had before Niall will never love you… pathetic, useless, ugly my subconscious mocked me. I hissed and tears fell from my crystal eyes, I moved the blade to my other arm, cutting a clear line across my vein. Worthless, ugly, pathetic, useless, arsehole. The words echoed across my mind as I slashed more and more onto my arm, beautiful. The edges of my vision blurred, I should've stopped but I couldn't. The blade began to feel heavier and heavier. Black spots appeared.
A door banged open, but I could hardly move, no time but I couldn't care.
"Louis?" Liam and Harry called. "Louis for god's sake where are you?" Liam was frantic I could tell.
"Come on, man!" Harry said. The bathroom door opened, I could hardly lift my head to see which one had found me.
"SHIT!" it was Harry. "Liam, come quick, he's here. Call an ambulance…NOW!" I had never heard him speak that fast before. "Lou, give me the blade." I felt a big hand on mine gently tugging, pulling my salvation from me. "Come on, Lou, it's ok… I've got you." I was too weak to protest or try and pull away.
Harry's voice was distant as he carried on to talk to me. He pulled me to my feet, I swayed, dangerously.
"Come on, Lou. Let's get you some water." He walked away back into the bedroom. I couldn't move, my eyes shut and I fell, my head crashed against the bath. Wetness through my hair, blood pooling around my head… beautiful. The last thing I heard was Liam shouting.
"Louis." There was only blackness.
The constant darkness was stifling, I didn't like it; I was trapped with my thoughts. They were taunting me. Alone with my memories… All the people I disappointed through my life, the people I would miss. My mum, my sisters, the boys… Niall especially Niall. Niall wouldn't look at him, not twice because I wasn't good enough. Niall doesn't like me very much. Sure in front of the camera's we're great but behind the scenes it's as if I don't exist. He is like a ball of energy and laughter and I'm… I'm nothing. In the X Factor when I hurt my foot, I let the boys down, I seem to do that a lot. Everyone thinks that One Direction would be better off without me… I guess they're right.
I wanted to leave when I first started to get hate messages on twitter but Harry talked me out of it. I relapsed back into self harm. I first started when I was fourteen and there was a group of people that bullied me daily because they found out I was pansexual. I didn't understand why I was different, I didn't understand why they said I was wrong or 'sick' as they told me. I fell for a person not really worrying about the gender, apparently that was bad. I turned to singing and the blade to try and escape my life.
The first time I took a blade to my skin I was terrified, I couldn't believe I had just done that but I had almost convinced my self that it was fine because I'd only done it once… it was fine. Little did I know that that one cut could have such a profound effect on my life. It was never just once and every time something in my life went to shit, the razor became my best friend.
I learnt that it was better to keep my mouth shut and take the emotional slander. It wouldn't be long until I was home, locked away to take away the pain. Doncaster was a pretty tolerant town, or so I thought, and I was made into an outcast. The only person that stayed with me was Stan, he was a true friend and he even went so far as standing up for me. My drama teacher, Mr Blake, was also always there. He understood why I didn't want to go to the police, but to be honest what would the police really do?
Mr Blake ended up giving me the part of Danny in Grease and things started to look up. People started to talk to me like a person again, rather than some sub-human. I even got a girlfriend, Hannah, the boys all accepted me because I was dating a girl like normal but others were still convinced that Stan and I were fucking. It didn't matter how good my life was getting I couldn't just give up the cutting, I couldn't.
Then the X Factor happened and I convinced myself that everything would get better again. When I got through was the best feeling ever, I can't even describe how good the feeling was. Then the rejection came and god did that hurt, the itch that had been virtually non-existent was back. That was where I first caught sight of the gorgeous blonde Irishman. I had heard him of course I had… he was loud, and his voice was amazing.
He stood next to me when we were called back in and I couldn't believe that we had a lifeline the itch was there but it was dulled to a slow burn. The change came about in X Factor when I didn't cut weeks on end, instead I snapped a rubber band against my wrist repeatedly. I cut again last year, when we first started out and the fans didn't like me, that's when I relapsed and I haven't been able to stop. I know I should've got help but it's too late now.
I could faintly hear people talking a shrill beep next to my head, I couldn't breath, my body was heavy. My eyes shot open, white light instantly blinding me… I couldn't breath, I panicked and I was dead to the world.
AN: next chapter will be up soon! Lizzie xx