Don't abuse me for this story saying that adults or people with high power jobs etc don't cut cause alot of people use cutting to cope and alot of people hide it from those around them so there are auctully no accurate satatics on people that do cut but alot of adults do it as well as young people. I put alot of feelings that I felt when I cut into Jenny in this story and tried to make it as real as possible without making it really graphic. I wrote this because so many people do it but no one really talks about it and I wanted to do something to make people aware and so they don't feel alone.
A/N- This topic means alot to me cause it has not only taken a lot of my life to move on from but also my best friends who I lost to suicide, Not everyone feels the way the same from cutting so in this story it might be complety different from what you feel but like my counsellor tells me alot there is no right or wrong way to feel about cutting cause while it may be your best friend one day the next day its your worst enemy.
Gibb's might seem a little outa charcter same with Jen but I did my best to keep them in charcter, It's hard with this topic though.
If anyone ever wants to talk about this please e-mail me, I also know some amazing websites and books if anyone wants them.
This is for Jacqui, I will always love you huni! R.I.P xx
Haunt me no more.
She closed her bedroom door not allowing herself to cry she walked into her ensuite where in the bottom drawer of her bathroom cabinet sat the only thing that she felt she controlled in her life anymore. There were always people telling her what to say, What to wear to the many functions that she had to attend, Even how to run her own Agency. So much of her life she felt was now being controlled by other people, She had used self harm when she was young to cope but had managed to stop before it took over but now it seemed to be all that she could think about, She found herself sitting in her office and banging her wrist against the edge of her desk when she felt like crying cause she knew that she couldn't hide in her office and dig the razor into her arm, But now she found that the voice of reason that used to tell her not to cut was being silenced by the urge she felt to control the pain.
She thought back to eariler in the day when her ex lover Leory Jethro Gibb's had stormed into her office like he usually did but this time had been different, He had come to talk about her;
Flashback:
She looked up as her office door flung open, She quickly stopped banging her wrist against the sharp edge of her desk and placed in on her desk.
"What can I do for you Jethro? Is it the FBI again?" She asked him. Her mind wandering far away from work.
He placed a cup of coffee down on her desk and pushed it towards her, "For you" He told her simply
She looked up at him and raised her eyebrows, Pulling her mind towards work she asked him
"What have you done?"
"What do you mean?" He asked her
"Well you have bought me coffee which you never do, So i'm guessing you have run into some trouble with the case" She told him. Picking up the coffee cup and drinking from it.
"Also you bought me my favourite coffee, Which I know you can't get from the shop where you usually go for that muck you call coffee" She told him.
He rolled his eyes and walked over to her couch and motioned for her to sit beside him she got up and went over to the couch and looked at him
"Ok tell me which Agency I am going to have to be apoligising to" She told him
He put down his coffee cup,
"There is no Agency Jen. I' m worried about you" He told her
She opened her mouth to protest and tell him that she was just fine and that he should go because she had meetings to go to but he held up his hand to silence her
"We have the whole afternoon Cynthina has cancelled all of your meetings" He told her
"Why would she do that, I'm her boss not you" She told him angry at him
He looked at her and said calmly "Don't get angry at her Jen but she talked to me shes really worried about you and so am I after what she told me"
She felt her shoulders slump she knew that now she really was screwed for last week she had been sitting in her office,
It had been lunch time and she had known that everyone was out and her office door had been closed firmly. So she had pulled up the sleeve of her top and had been looking at the angry red cuts that criss crossed over her pale lily white skin she had been so absorbed in running her fingernail along them that she hadn't noticed her Assitant till it was to late she had pulled the sleeve down qucikly but Cynthina had seen her arm. She had told her Assitant that it was from a cat at her friends house, she knew that Cynthina knew when to keep her mouth shut and when she hadn't heard anything about it she had decided that Cynthina hadn't clicked but now she realised that she had and that she must have talked to Gibb's.
"Jethro, It isn't what you think" She told him
But he silenced her again
"Don't say that Jen, In Paris when I asked you about those scars on your arm you told me that you had fallen through a window when you were a child. But that isn't what happened is it?" He asked her.
She felt her eyes filling with tears, She was so scared that he knew. What must he think of me? She thought to herself but at the same time she felt as if someone had lifted a huge weight off of her, Now that he knew it wasn't only her secret.
When she hadn't answered him, He had spoken again.
He reached out and touched her wrist gently almost like he knew about the cuts that she had made the previous night on that very spot,
"Show me Jen" He had told her softly. The anger and pain gone from his voice, Now his voice was filled with worry and concern for he was also scared to see what was hidden by her sleeves he didn't know if he was strong enough to see the cuts that screamed so much more than just pain, He loved her so much and he wanted to take the pain away from her.
When Cynthina had come to him last week, He had been suprised usually him and Jen's Assitant didn't get on but this had been different she had called him once Jenny had left for a meeting with the other Agency Directors. He had hurried up to see her and had been suprised when she had handed him a book. He had looked at her confused and asked what it was for, She had then taken him through to Jen's office and explained how she had walked in and found Jen tracing cuts on her arm she told him how Jen had said she had got them from a friends cat "but they didn't look they had come from a cat and other times I've come in and she has been banging her wrist against the sharp edge of her desk" She had told him
He was still confused, "What do you mean, You think she did them to herself?" He asked Cynthina
Cynthina felt herself wanting to cry, "I think she does I found this book at the bookshop and I also found some websites I think you should look at" She told him. Handing him a piece of folded paper.
He looked at Cynthina and knew that this was serious. "Ok, You haven't talked to her about it?" He asked her
"I can't. I think you have to be the one"She told him
He nodded and touched Cynthina's shoulder "Thank you"
She nodded and said "Please talk to her soon, I'm worried about her"
"I will. But not right now I have to find some things out first"
And now here he was after reading the book, He had even managed to get onto the website with a little help from Abby.
"Jen?" He said
She turned to look at him
"I can't show you" She said softly. Tears now freely falling down her face
"Why Jen?" He asked her almost pleading with her
She shook her head and removed his hand from her wrist, "It's complicated" She told him. Wondering how she could explain to him that she did want to show him more than anything but that she was scared if he saw them he would think she was some sort of freak who couldn't handle her job and that needed to be put in hospital. She didn't want him to treat her like she was going to break at any moment and she was afraid if she showed him that is what he would think but what scared her most was the thought that her cuts were hurting not only herself but they were hurting him to she had never thought about that before.
He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him.
She felt herself flinch as he put his arm around her, Didn't he know how much it hurt to touch people, for people to touch her she thought to herself.
He looked at her and saw the look in her eyes, "I'm not going anywhere Jen. You can trust me"He told her. Wanting her to understand that she didn't have to do this alone.
Even though he said that the voice inside her head taunted her 'He doesn't know what he's saying, He won't stay around do you really think you can count on him to drop everything at 2 in the morning and come and hold your hand just because you want to cut yourself?' it said to her. She shook her head to shut up the voice, To stop it from taunting her she knew that he meant what he said at least part of her did.
He noticed her shaking her head, "Jen show me, I'm not going to think you are any different" He told her
But still she wouldn't show him, The voice inside her head was taunting her more now it seemed to be getting louder.
She pulled away from him complety and stood up pushing her hair out of her face, "I...I can't do this Jethro" She told him trying despertly to stop the tears that she could feel burning in her eyes.
He stood up and reached out to touch her arm gently, He didn't want to hurt her but she stepped back quickly and shook her head again, "Don't" She told him sharply. Not wanting him to touch her again for when he had it had felt so wonderful knowing that he cared, That someone did love her despite what she did to herself but then the voice had started to taunt her again saying how he would leave how no one could love her, how could they when she did that to herself? How could someone love her when she was so useless? It told her
He saw how she looked, like she was fighting a silent arugement somewhere far away he knew he had to get through to her but he didn't know how and he felt so helpless because he wanted to stop her pain, He wanted to show her just how much he loved her and how beautiful she really was.
He tried again to reach out to her but this time she turned and ran from her office.
Cynthina was shocked when The Directors office door flew open and instead of Agent Gibb's leaving it was Jenny hurrying past her. Gibb's came out quickly calling after her.
She turned to Gibb's worried, "What happend?" She asked him
"Nothing"He told her
"Tell Dinozzo he's in charge and call Ducky and tell him everything then tell him that he has to get over to Jen's house ASAP"
"Why Doctor Mallard? You don't think.." Cynthina trailed off not wanting to finish the sentance
He shook his head "I don't know Cynthina, But I think it's best that he's there"
She nodded "Agent Gibbs?" She said quietly as he started walking away
"Tell her I'm sorry" He nodded his head and kept walking.
End Flashback.
She opened the drawer and when she saw the face cloth that was still stained with her blood from the previous night and the razor blades that seemed to call to her she felt herself hating them part of her wanted to slam the drawer shut and never open it again but she knew that she couldn't do that she slowly picked up the blade but she couldn't bring herself to do it, She thought back to the look on his face, All the things he had said to her and she felt herself crying uncontrolable sobs that racked through her whole body she sunk onto the bathroom floor and let the blade fall from her hands.
He pulled into her driveway and when he didn't see any lights on he wondered if he had thought wrong and that she hadn't gone home but he knew her, He knew her habits and how she thinks at least how she used to think he reminded himself. Just as he stepped out of his car his phone rang he sighed and flipped it open.
"Jethro, It's me" Ducky's said
When he heard Ducky's voice he was relieved. "Heya Duck" He said
"Cynthina just told me Jethro, Have you found Jennifer yet?"
"I'm at her house now, I'm just about to go in. Are you on your way?"
"Jethro, I think it's best that it is just you and her"
"Duck, It she has hurt herself i'm not a doctor I don't know how to fix them up"
Ducky sighed "Jethro, She needs you. She needs to know that you care, and if she has done it but I don't think she will have then all you have to do is wash it and bandage it up"
Gibb's ran a hand over his face, "I really don't know if I can do this, I hate seeing her hurting so much"
"You can do this Jethro, Find her and talk to her."
"Ok. I'll call you later Duck"
"Good luck Jethro, and call me if you need me"
He put his cellphone back in his pocket and unlocked her front door with the key she had given to him. He closed the door quietly and looked out for her but couldn't see any sign that she had been home or that she was there now. He made his way to the stairs and walked up them listening out for her.
He reached her bedroom door and when he found it closed he knew he had found her, He opened it quietly not wanting to scare her and once in her room he could hear her crying but he couldn't see her.
"Jen?" He called out softly
She heard her bedroom door being opened, She knew that it had to be him. She quickly started wiping away her tears not wanting him to see her like this.
She heard him call out her name and started pulling herself off the floor, But he walked into the bathroom before she could.
He saw her crying and the drawer open, His eyes scanned up and down her arms looking for any signs that she had done it but he couldn't see any. When he noticed the razor blade lying on the floor he walked over to her and took it from the floor.
She saw him reach down and pick something up, Then she saw him throw it into the bin.
He turned back to her and offered her a hand, When she didn't take it he reached down and picked her up from the floor.
She didn't fight him, She didn't want to fight him anymore. She let him carry her out of the bathroom and back into her bedroom he placed her on the bed and sat down beside her.
"I meant what I said before Jen" He told her
"I know that you might not believe it but it is true, I am going to help you Jen i'm not going anywhere"
She shook her head feeling herself starting to cry again, "You say that now, But it's so hard" She told him
"Talk to me about it" He said
She looked into his eyes and was suprised to see the look was in them, She knew then that he meant what he had been saying that he did really mean it, She took a deep breath and started talking,
"It feels like it is the only thing that I control anymore, That when I do it I am deciding what hurts me when I started it was amazing it took all of the pain and worry away but then I needed to do it more and more and deeper to feel that same feeling, Then it felt like it was taking over my life. I couldn't wear short sleeve tops, I wanted to cry all the time, When people wanted to hug me it hurt and made me want to cry also even when Abby hugged me!" She told him.
When she had finished talking she was crying and so was he. She reached out and touched his hand,
"I never realised untill today when you started talking that I wasn't only hurting myself but also you and other people" She said
He shook his head, "Jen you didn't hurt us, We are worried about you. Have been for awhile. I just didn't realise it was this bad, None of us did. I should be the one saying sorry not you"
"Don't say that" She told him. Lacing her fingers through his knowing that he needed the reassurance from her touch as much as she needed his.
He looked down at their hands that were now entwined and smiled up at her.
He was about to talk to her when his cellphone broke the silence, "It's probaly Ducky" He told her
She looked up at him with panic in her eyes, "Does he.." She whispered
He nodded "I had to Jen. But he won't tell anyone"
She nodded, She wasn't angry that he had told Ducky she was scared about how the Doctor would react to the news though.
He answered the call;
"How is she Jethro?" Ducky asked him
He glanced down at Jen then at their hands that were still entwined, "She's ok Duck" He said
"Are you sure Jethro? What about her arms?" Ducky pressed
Gibb's closed his eyes briefly he knew that Ducky was going to ask him but it was still a hard question, "I haven't seen her arms" He said softly, Wishing that Jen wasn't right beside him right now so he could talk to Ducky more.
When she heard him mention her arms she closed her eyes and squeezed his hand, She knew that he wanted to see them that he needed to, To assure himself that she was ok. She did want him to see them but she hadn't shown anyone before they were her secret almost like her own personal map of her feelings, Fears and Secrets she wanted to share them but didn't know how untill she had found cutting and it had given her a way to express them.
"Jethro, I know its hard for both of you but ask her again" Ducky told him
"You need to make sure that she hasn't got any infections in them, I know Jennifer probaly is very careful but do try" He told Gibb's
"I'll try Duck"
"Look after her Jethro" Ducky said knowing that tonight was going to be a long hard night for Jen and Gibb's
"I always look after her" Gibb's told him
"I know Jethro, Goodnight. Tell Jennifer to call me if she needs anything"
"I will Duck, Night"
He turned back to Jen, "He said Goodnight and to tell you to call him if you need anything"
She nodded "Jethro, I want to show you but I don't want to scare you away or for you to think I am some kind of freak" She told him. Fighting back tears.
He wiped her tears away, "Jen I would never think that about you, When you are ready to show me you can. No matter how bad they are i'm not going anywhere. I love you" He told her
When she heard him say he loved her she froze, "Don't say that just because you found out" She warned him
"Jen look at me" He told her
"I'm not saying it because I found out, I'm saying it because its true. I want to help you, and I am going to help you. You arn't going to do this alone i'm going to be here every step of the way" He told her firmly.
She almost wanted to laugh when she heard him say that, But she knew that wasn't the response he would want instead she smiled at him and said,
"When you say it like that it almost sounds easy"
He shook his head, "I know it won't be easy Jen but I also know that together we can do it"
She pulled him closer to her and reached out and hugged him and found that for the first time in along time it didn't hurt to be hugged it felt good almost like relief that he loved her, That the voice had been wrong that someone did love her despite what she did to herself.
After awhile she pulled away and he said to her, "I think there's something we should do Jen"
She looked at him wondering what he meant, He stood up and lead her into the ensuite and motioned to the drawer that was still open,
"Is this where you keep them?" He asked her
It was then that she understood he was going to take away everything that she used to hurt herself with, The thought still scared her cause she didn't know how she was going to handle things without cutting. But then she reminded herself that he was going to be there from now on it wasn't going to be just her anymore.
He squeezed her hand gently pulling her out of her thoughts "Jen?" He questioned
She nodded and bent down picking up the many now blunt razor blades along with other various sharp items she used and placed them all the counter.
"Do you have a bag?" He asked her
She nodded and went over by the door and handed him one, He carefully swept all of the sharp objects into it careful not to cut himself when he saw blood on some of the objects he wanted to cry. After he had finished putting them in the bag he turned to her,
"Anything else Jen?" He asked her, Knowing that she could lie to him but hoping that she wouldn't.
She shook her head "Thats all honestly" She told him
He nodded trusting her, He let her lead him back into her bedroom.
They sat down on the bed once again, Before he say anything she asked him, "Do you want to see them seriously?"
He froze, Yes he did want to see them, But was he prepared to see them, To see the hurt that she felt that she had no other way to express but through cutting herself.
He nodded, "I do want to see them Jen,But only when you are ready to show them to me"
"I'm ready now" She told him
He looked at her as she spoke and saw that she was serious.
She pulled up the sleeve of her right arm slowly and when he saw the first angry red cuts he wanted to cry for her but knew that there was time for that later right now she needed him to be strong. When she had pulled it all the way up to her elbow he saw the full extent of her pain, There were long deep lines that criss crossed over each other, Others were smaller sharper looking with slight bruising around the edges. He reached out to touch them like they had done to each others scars and wounds back in Paris but then pulled his hand back realising that today she had let alot of walls down and she might not be ready for him to touch them, But she suprised him by saying
"Its ok, You can if you want"
He looked at her and smiled, "Thank you Jen" He said
"For what?" She asked him confused
"Trusting me, Showing me, Letting me in, For loving me, For Everything Jen" He told her.
She smiled through her tears and reached out for his hand.
"Jethro?"
"Mmmm"
"I love you to" She told him.Closing the gap between them and kissing him.
Soon they both needed air and pulled away, He reached for her right arm and gently ran his finger across the first cut.
"Do they hurt?" He asked her not wanting to hurt her
"Not really anymore, They do when I do them but after a few days it usually stops" She answered.
Watching his fingers trace over the cuts that each had a different story behind them.
"Promise me you will talk to me if you want to do it again" He asked her
"I will Jethro, But it's going to be hard. For us both" She told him
He nodded, "I know Jen"
She yawned and smiled at him.
"You're tired Jen. Get some sleep" He told her. Standing up
"Don't go" She told him, Not wanting to be alone ever from now on.
"I'm not going anywhere Jen. I'm just closing your curtains" He explained
She blushed for overreacting, "Sorry , I just don't want to be alone" She explained
"I know Jen, You arn't going to be alone, Ever" He told her. Kissing her again
She pulled him down onto the bed with him, and snuggled into his embrace.
He kissed the top of her head and pulled her closer to him.
He watched her sleep, Knowing that it wasn't going to be easy and that there was alot of hard times ahead for them but he also knew that aslong as they had each other they could get through anything.
The End.
I am in no way saying that everyone gets a happy ending or that cutting is easy to get over and I am wanting to write a second part to show this in more detail, But I am happy with this story and the way I have ended it. I hope you are to. Please review and let me know what you think, But please no abusive reviews or saying I don't know what its like etc, Cause I do know what it is like and I have tried my best to put all the emotions and pain that someone who cuts feels but it is hard to do because there are so many emotions and feelings that come with cutting.
If anyone wants to talk, Please e-mail me, the link for my email address is on my profile just click where it says e-mail :)
xx