Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for my obsession with Kenny Loggins Children's CD. Lol. Enjoy!

00000

I used to be so lucky. I'm lady luck after all. I bring luck and good fortune wherever I go. Every time I walked into the casino heads turned and men dropped at my feet.

Now…now I have nothing. I've always felt like that, but now, there's nothing left to really care about. It's so quiet, there's not much money for everything. Even thinking about that statement I have to laugh to myself. We never had any money anyways. Food was always a problem. We had four mouths and a mutt to feed. Now, it's just two mouths and with the state of things there's not really an appetite.

Lights that used to glow dim no matter where we were are left off. There's no worry about tripping over sleeping children or mutts laying this way and that. I tripped over the kid once and almost broke my nose. I laugh at that memory now too because at the moment I wanted to ring her neck.

Now there isn't the chance of doing that. There isn't a dog dish to accidently step on spilling dry dog food out all over the place.

There's no man sleeping on the couch with a book over his face. There's not a chance the ink of words of wisdom drying up on oily skin. There's no fighting over who's cigarettes fell into the cushion or the rare woolong bills in there as well.

Now there is just the solitude nobody craves. No matter what they say, even myself speaking, nobody wants to be alone. They may get on your nerves and drive you insane but when the quiet settles in after the disappearance it just plain right sucks. I want to hear the clicking of keys, the reading of under the breath when something of interest pops up. I want to wake up with someone in my face looking at me with a vacant expression. I want to ask them why they are being so weird or why the dog is sleeping on my back when he has other shipmates to sleep on top.

It hasn't even been that long, and we're docked somewhere far away from the terrible scenes and now it just feels like lead balloons.

Pulling my jacket up over shoulders and zipping it up to my neck I slip on my boots and go in search of Jet. It's not really hard to find him. Usually he's been in the same place he always is- attending his trees. They have seen better days and the negative energy isn't helping to make matters better.

"I'm going to take a walk, I'll be back later," I say from the doorway. He doesn't look my way. I know he's heard me because his clipper pauses and it lowers. I know what he's thinking because I think the same thing. He thinks I'm going to leave and never come back. I think the same thing but I just switch the roles around. I'm not going to leave. There is too much in my life that in the scene the person left me. Wherever I go I know I'll be back, and even though I won't say it out loud to him I hope he is thinking the same thing.

"Do you need anything?" I question. Cigarettes? Candy bar? Flashlight? I don't say options out loud but I wish he would say something so he knows that I'll come back; that I have to bring the item back to him.

"No," he says with that quiet voice he's retorted to since everything happened. I don't like it. I like when he's yelling at someone or complaining we're all dead beats just hanging around sucking up all the oxygen.

"Okay," I say. That's it, just one word and then the silence hangs in the air. He picks up the clippers and resumes his work.

I pull my hood up and turn to leave when I hear, "you look nice today."

I look down at myself. I think it's because I'm wearing clothes. I'm wearing winter boots and jeans that cuff at the ankle. I still have my favorite cotton red jacket.

Walking with my echoing steps I head out down the dock and curse the snow. Of course it has to fall right now. The heavy clouds in the sky could have held out longer. But I can't stop the snow from falling. I can't stop anything that wants to do what it wants to do.

The people in town go about their business. Work, no matter what aspect doesn't stop because of the snow. A woman ready to give the rest of her soul stands in the shadow between two buildings: a hookah lounge and a drug store. Our eyes meet and then they go back to the cigarette she wishes would last longer.

A dock town, the boats really don't seem to be doing anything. Most success must've dried up years ago. All I see are ships bobbing on the water. Names on the sides have faded with the salt washes away dreams of people who must've used them to make their living.

If I was them Id consider joining that lady. She makes money with the cost of her soul. They sold their souls for this success. Same thing.

Keeping my head lowered, figuratively, I keep the wall between wandering eyes and the flirtatious words from men that I used to crave. I don't want it anymore. I don't want anything. Sooner or later it's going to disappear and I'll be left with nothing. It's better to have nothing so I don't have to set myself up for disappointment.

Two young kids run in my path. They stop infront of me spraying some kind of string out of cans that tangle in their hair.

I clear my throat and they both look at me.

"Watch where you are going." My voice sounds so neutral I'm reminded of having conversations when I'm in alter states. When my head is high in the clouds my voice doesn't amaze the thoughts in my head.

"Okay, sorry lady," the older of the girls says and they take off with the taller one chasing the smaller one.

I watch them laugh and play. They are happy. They don't have a care in the world. They're parents must keep the magic in their childhood. I don't have one, at least I don't remember. The video brings blurs, but that's all they are. I don't know that girl. I don't know why she is so happy.

I don't know how anyone can be happy. I don't know how these people who miss so much keep going on with their lives as if everything is normal.

I don't know- there's a pen with ponies. I know their ponies.

My eyes roam. It must be a dairy/farm for the food of town. This must be the last resort at keeping themselves independent. But it isn't much… there's two cows, a pig and the four little ponies. Whatever is in the building is a mystery to the outside. The windows are covered by black cloth.

My eyes go to the ponies and my feet carry me over to the fence. Two children linger with a little boy sitting on the fence and a young girl standing with her back to the fence. They whisper about the ponies. I know they do because they claim ownership to the black one and the white one speckled with black dots. They pay me no attention.

I lean on my arms and the white one comes over to me. I don't have anything to feed it except a butter candy in my pocket. I take it out and unwrap it. Holding it between two fingers I hold it out and it takes it with its human like teeth. It crunches the sticky candy loudly and then puts it's big pony nose on my chest. He makes weird pony noises.

I pet his head and run my fingers through its hair. It's better than mine. If only it was purple and shorter.

Even when I stop petting him he still stays with his nose pressed up to my chest. He could be cold. He's getting coated in the falling snowflakes.

A woman shouts loud in a language I do not understand. She shouts a long string of whatever it is. The two kids snap to attention, but they both smile excitedly at each other. The little boy says to the girl, "moms making your favorite cake. When dad comes home from work tonight we can eat the cake and ride the ponies."

"Maybe one day we can really have the ponies as our family like how mom saved me when the ship crashed my sister went to heaven."

"You were happy, then sad, but then a long time later you became happy again because everything worked out right in the end."

They both take off running and I don't realize that I'm crying until I feel my chapped cheeks. She got her happy ending, where is mine!? When do I get to have something again. I already went through the good, the video and now I'm in the bad with having what I was used to getting up and walking away. When do I get the after like her and the family, cake and freaking ponies?

The pony butts his head at my chin and I pet it again. "You will have that family. They may get heavier and heavier on your back, but they won't leave you."

I give his head a finally pet and walk away. Im wet from the snow and am getting cold. I hurry to buy a pack of cigarettes and a bag of chocolate filled crackers.

The ship is warm even though it feels cold. The cold lingers in the empty. Unlike hot air that expands like a balloon cold air hangs in wisps. If it was spider webs I'd be tangled.

I find Jet where I left him. I haven't been gone that long; a half hour at the most. He looks up at me. I toss him the crackers filled with chocolate and he catches them.

"Thank you, for what you said. You wouldn't believe the scene I just saw in town."

"I swear Faye if they come looking for-" I smile because it's the normal I'm so used to hearing in his voice.

"Nothing like that, it was a conversation between two children. We had the good, we're in the bad and soon enough we have to be in the good again. Do you believe that?"

00000

Thank you for reading chapter 1.