Still Dead Inside.
I am dead inside.
There is no way to explain it otherwise. Why I feel so alone. Why I feel this is my one and only escape from it all.
He is my saviour. And I hate it. He makes me feel alive again, but the only thing I want most is to die. So why do I keep going back?
I sit in my bathroom and wonder this.
My decision has been made. No-one is home. But I can sense him there. Spike. He stands out by the tree just in front of the house and I know he is looking into this window. I can feel his eyes boring into mine. Not that I look back. Not that I know for sure. I just know that he is looking.
And as I sit here and plan my end, I know he is catching on slowly to what I am doing, so I must hurry.
My name was Buffy. Buffy Anne Summers.
That was what they called me back then. They still call me that now, but we all know I am not the same person. The real Buffy Anne Summers is still in LA. Dead to the world. Just like I will be soon.
But every time I go to pick up the blade I think of him. Of what he would think. Spike. He loves me more than anything alive or dead. And that is what makes me think of him.
He has moved from the tree now and is making his way forward towards the house. I can feel it.
He knows.
He knows what I am doing and now I must leave. I must finish myself off quickly so that I may go on to heaven. To that wonderful place where I belong.
I drop the blade and quickly lock the door and windows just as he arrives at the bathroom door. I can hear him banging on the wooden door, yelling, "Buffy! If you don't open this door right now I'll break it down!".
But I don't care. I'm blocking him out. I stare at the blade and see him in my mind's eye again. I block it out. I block it all out.
Remember what they did to you. Remember why you're doing this.
He's kicking at the door. It's a good job a put a spell on it. He has knocked down the door but he can't get in because I have protected the bathroom with a spell so that he can't enter, even if I invite him.
I look at him one last time before grabbing the blade again.
I can hear him screaming, "No! Buffy, don't! Please!".
He's crying now, but I don't care. I just don't care anymore. I sit down by the bath and start my ending.
I slash my right wrist and wince as I feel it cut my veins wide open. I watch the blood poor out of my arm and onto the bathroom floor.
He's screaming my name like his unlife depended on it.
"Please! Buffy, I love you!"
I freeze.
For a moment I look at him. I get up and walk towards him. I push him back and walk out of the bathroom. I back him up against the wall and lightly kiss him. Then I punch him with all my might and he is left unconscious on the floor in the hallway.
I press down on my cut and use the blood to write "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.".
His eyes flutter, I lean down next to him and gently whisper: "I just can't take it anymore.". Then I back up into the bathroom again.
I take the blade again and I see him get up and crawl towards the door. As I slit my other wrist I see him staring at me with those blue eyes that, much as I hate to admit it, would just love to drown in.
But I wont have to now.
I look down and see that my entire body is covered in blood. I'm soaked in it.
I can hear him begging now, chocking on each word as if it were his last gasping breath.
"Spike." I whisper, "Please… Let me drown…"
He stared at me.
"Let me go…"
"I… I need you Buffy." He's crying now, tears are falling like a waterfall from us both.
I can feel myself slipping into darkness.
But wait... No… This isn't right… I don't feel the light surrounding me… It's all darkness… I don't want this…
I need him. I…
"What am I doing?" I gasp.
"Buffy! Listen to me! Come here quickly! I can save you!"
"Oh god… Spike… I'm dieing… Oh god I…" I'm gasping for breath now, I feel as if the weight of the world is literally on my shoulders.
I slump to the ground and I can still hear Spike calling to me.
"Come on , Luv! Please live!"
"Spike… Help me…" I choke and I see it's my own blood I'm choking on.
"Please! Buffy, let me in!"
"It… It won't… work…" I choked again.
"Come on, Luv! Crawl! I can help you!"
He's slamming his fist again the invisible barrier now and I can just about move over to the edge of the door. But I get to the door frame and I can no longer move.
"I…"
"Buffy, please! Just a bit more, Luv!"
"I… I'm sorry…"
"No! You can do it! Buffy!" He's turned into game face now and it trying to claw is way in, but it won't work…
"I… I love you, Spike…" I whisper, "I'm just sorry it's too late…"
"No! No, Buffy!"
"I'm sorry…"
"Please! Buffy I love you!"
"I… Love… You…"
I slump forward into darkness. Just enough to go through the door frame, it seems, and he grabs me just as I fall through.
But it was too late for me. I was gone before I reached his arms…
Think before you act.
Hey possible epiloge to be written! Tell me any ideas or thoughts you may have!
SOAGG xx