This is by Dancer in the Dark (aka me) but The Shady Guru helped. (what is
that name really?)
Disclaimer: Hey, these aren't our characters; the names belong to Tamora Pierce. And by the way, we don't care if this is offensive, rude, and mildly gross. It is our religion, race, and right to write this crap. Any questions?
The dry parched earth cracked under the heat of the noonday sun. And in the heat a wind blew, and on a mountainside a baby girl, named Sandry, was born.
BANG!!
A volcano exploded killing everyone, including the sheep that grazed merrily on the shady slopes of the beautiful mountain, and then the little girl, who was going to be the sole savior of all that is just and good, was burned to a black crisp in the ensuing lava flow. The End.
Moral: If you're going to start a family, try not to do it on the side of a highly active volcano. You're asking for it.
In a small shack, in the slums of the cities a boy was sitting, crying, in the dirt. His name would one day be Briar, but for now, as Roach, he only thought of the ball he had lost. Then, his five-year-old face filled with determination, he got up and ran into the road. Just as his hands closed around the prized possession, a crazed maniac driving the wrong way down a one-way street hit the poor child with his elephant.
SPLAT!!
Alas, the end of sweet Briar Moss
Moral: Look both ways before you cross the street. Also, elephants and little boys don't mix well. In fact the driver wondered what the smell was after a few weeks.
On a ship on the high and stormy South Seas, Daja Kisubo was running and laughing with her sisters. Her dark eyes shone with delight as she easily evaded their capture. However when her father called out her name, the shine disappeared. Now that she was ten years of age, she was old enough to help put down the anchor- a sacred Trader ritual. There was much singing and dancing, much joy, much wine, much, much, much wine. So much wine that no one noticed when dear little Daja's foot became entangled amidst the anchor's rope. And no one noticed when dear little Daja was thrown overboard and swiftly pulled DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, to bottom of the high and stormy South Seas.
KAPLOOSH!!
Oh well, such is life on the ocean. However, when they did pull up the anchor the next morning, they were horrified to find dear little Daja's body, half eaten by sharks by this time, still attached to the anchor's ropes. "Well," said Daja's dad. "You win some, you lose some." And that was the end of that.
Moral: Daja is special; she's got the longest story yet. (Just to show we really aren't racist)
Tris, good old Tris. Well she survived for a while anyway. In fact on her sixteenth birthday, she poked her finger on a spinning wheel and… oops that's sleeping b. Never mind. Tris was propelled forward in time to about the year 1692 (Don't ask how that is forward.) right into the thriving community of Salem Village, Mass. (Three guesses to what happens next) She was hired as the first female judge of the trials, wrote a book called Female Judges in 1692, made millions, and then fell off a cliff while contemplating the mysteries of the universe.
WHOOSH!!
Moral: Don't try this at home, kids.
P.S. The world was now doomed and well, Satan took over which brings us right up to about today. The 1st amendment is a great thing. Yeah, we have issues, and way, way, way too much free time, despite out plans for a hostile world takeover Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Come Again!
Disclaimer: Hey, these aren't our characters; the names belong to Tamora Pierce. And by the way, we don't care if this is offensive, rude, and mildly gross. It is our religion, race, and right to write this crap. Any questions?
The dry parched earth cracked under the heat of the noonday sun. And in the heat a wind blew, and on a mountainside a baby girl, named Sandry, was born.
BANG!!
A volcano exploded killing everyone, including the sheep that grazed merrily on the shady slopes of the beautiful mountain, and then the little girl, who was going to be the sole savior of all that is just and good, was burned to a black crisp in the ensuing lava flow. The End.
Moral: If you're going to start a family, try not to do it on the side of a highly active volcano. You're asking for it.
In a small shack, in the slums of the cities a boy was sitting, crying, in the dirt. His name would one day be Briar, but for now, as Roach, he only thought of the ball he had lost. Then, his five-year-old face filled with determination, he got up and ran into the road. Just as his hands closed around the prized possession, a crazed maniac driving the wrong way down a one-way street hit the poor child with his elephant.
SPLAT!!
Alas, the end of sweet Briar Moss
Moral: Look both ways before you cross the street. Also, elephants and little boys don't mix well. In fact the driver wondered what the smell was after a few weeks.
On a ship on the high and stormy South Seas, Daja Kisubo was running and laughing with her sisters. Her dark eyes shone with delight as she easily evaded their capture. However when her father called out her name, the shine disappeared. Now that she was ten years of age, she was old enough to help put down the anchor- a sacred Trader ritual. There was much singing and dancing, much joy, much wine, much, much, much wine. So much wine that no one noticed when dear little Daja's foot became entangled amidst the anchor's rope. And no one noticed when dear little Daja was thrown overboard and swiftly pulled DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, to bottom of the high and stormy South Seas.
KAPLOOSH!!
Oh well, such is life on the ocean. However, when they did pull up the anchor the next morning, they were horrified to find dear little Daja's body, half eaten by sharks by this time, still attached to the anchor's ropes. "Well," said Daja's dad. "You win some, you lose some." And that was the end of that.
Moral: Daja is special; she's got the longest story yet. (Just to show we really aren't racist)
Tris, good old Tris. Well she survived for a while anyway. In fact on her sixteenth birthday, she poked her finger on a spinning wheel and… oops that's sleeping b. Never mind. Tris was propelled forward in time to about the year 1692 (Don't ask how that is forward.) right into the thriving community of Salem Village, Mass. (Three guesses to what happens next) She was hired as the first female judge of the trials, wrote a book called Female Judges in 1692, made millions, and then fell off a cliff while contemplating the mysteries of the universe.
WHOOSH!!
Moral: Don't try this at home, kids.
P.S. The world was now doomed and well, Satan took over which brings us right up to about today. The 1st amendment is a great thing. Yeah, we have issues, and way, way, way too much free time, despite out plans for a hostile world takeover Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Come Again!