Note: Vaguely inspired by Vampire Toy's Take it Like a Man. Possibly/Probably OOC.

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Naruto.

It was five o'clock in the morning. Most idiots--and that included ninja, the stupidest of them all--did not wake up at this ungodly hour unless they absolutely had to. Sakura did not have to. But she did anyway. Screaming.

Bones turning to liquid fire tended to do that to a person.

A good ten minutes later, she was both hoarse and aware that her father was still snoring in the other room. There were no worried rushing footsteps to her door with a parental figure sticking his or her head in, demanding to know what was wrong with their little--

Princess...

Sakura stared at the mirror for a long, long moment. "Mom!"

Her mother appeared in the door moments later, covering an all-too-false yawn with one hand. She raised one perfect eyebrow in her infamous bored stare. "Yes, dear? Did you need something?"

Sakura pointed one finger at the mirror. "Explain this!"

"Darling, I already told you where mirrors come from. You can't have forgotten already."

"Mom!" Deliberately, she stressed the word.

Her mother turned away with a sniff. "Get dressed. I'm not in the habit of talking to naked men I'm not married to."

Sakura stared after her. And then looked in her mirror again, staring once more at the figure staring back at her. "Maybe you should wake Dad up, too," she said numbly.

She took her Mom's advice on the getting dressed part. And when she walked into the living room, she saw that her mother had followed her advice. Dad was no longer snoring, instead munching enthusiastically on cookies, a colorful bruise decorating his cheek.

Mom was as motherly as always, she noticed.

"Oh good, you're here," Dad said cheerfully.

"And dressed," Mom agreed. "Always an improvement. Why you sleep like that I'll never know..."

"It's healthy!" Sakura said immediately. It was an old argument. "Air flow!"

"There are some things mothers shouldn't have to see. Morning wood is one of them."

"And that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Sakura said quickly. "How did that happen?"

Her mother gave her a long stare. "Darling, I already told you about sex. You can't have forgotten already."

Sakura glared at her. "Mom. I'm a man. I wasn't one yesterday, and I sure as hell wasn't one when I went to sleep. So you two have a lot of explaining to do."

That eyebrow cocked again. "Do we?" There was a long, tense moment as the two glared at each other, Dad cheerfully ignoring them both as he stuffed his face. Then Mom smiled slightly, and gave a tense shrug. "What can I say? Your father always wanted a son."

What. The. Fuck.

"That's your explanation!"

Funny. Sixteen years and she still expected her parents to make sense. That was the problem with being born to a pair of freaky genius ninja. That is, assuming she had been born and not spawned.

Again her mother raised that eyebrow. "Mind your tone, young lady."

"Did you two ever even consider what I would want?"

"Of course we did," she said icily.

"I was originally thinking about a bonding formula," Dad said cheerfully. "But I couldn't get close enough to get a sample from Sasuke-kun. And most of the mice we used tended to die."

Sakura stared. "Bonding? With Sasuke-kun!"

He nodded quickly. "It was a genius idea! You see, the idea of conjoined ninja is usually a birth defect, or in the rare case of Sakon and Ukon of the Sound village, a bloodline limit. However, in my research, I was able to find a way to recreate this ability through a complicated formula. You would have to have the same blood type, of course, or the body might react unfavorably."

"But Sasuke-kun's blood is AB! I'm O!"

"O, exactly," he agreed with a nod. "Which is why I'm almost certain that, should you need to, you could move on to other bodies in the same way as Ukon would, making you a valuable asset to Sasuke-kun."

She was so glad that her father was with the Leaf village rather than Sound. That brain of his was going to get him into so much trouble one day. Provided she didn't kill him for this.

Still. That explained the two-headed rats running around the basement.

"Unfortunately, since I couldn't get a sample from Sasuke-kun, and therefore had no idea how your--shall we say, bond--would affect either of you, your mother convinced me that a simple formula like this would benefit your relations with Sasuke-kun more." Her father looked seriously depressed at the thought. In fact, if she wasn't currently wearing a male form, she might have pitied him.

So instead, she set her hands on her hips and glared at him. "What the hell do you mean, benefit my relations more? You're going to reverse this right now!" She faltered a second, and looked warily at her parents. "Right Mommy?"

Her mother simply stared at her for a long moment, and then yawned. Loudly. "Well, this is exciting, but I think I'll be going back to bed now. It's far too early for me to be awake."

"Mommy?"

Her mother didn't pause on her way out the door.

Sakura felt her eyes sting--she didn't know why, they always did this--and took a deep breath before looking at her Dad again. "You can reverse it, right?"

He grinned at her brightly. "Of course I can! It's really a simple formula. But I really would like that sample from Sasuke-kun."

"Daddy, you just leave Sasuke-kun alone!"

He pouted. "But sweetness, if Daddy could only have that sample, I would be far more motivated to making that cure of yours." He paused thoughtfully. "Though I'm very curious about how that formula will affect you; you're actually my first real human subject."

She stared at him. "I'm what? You're actually testing an incomplete formula on me, your only child, you stupid bastard of a father."

"Who else could I test it on?" He asked with a faint shrug.

That was true. He wasn't likely to test anything on the only woman who'd willingly sleep with him. Everyone else was fair game--provided he had the opportunity to get near them. She didn't even want to think of how many experiments he'd put her through already.

She glared at him, crossing her arms. "If I get you these samples, you promise not to use them to experiment on Sasuke?"

"Of course. He runs so fast, I'd never catch him."

"And you'll reverse the formula on me?"

"Of course."

She closed her eyes tightly. "What do you need?"

Note: As I said before, vaguely inspired by Take it Like a Man, and also a manga I read about a week ago about a girl whose mad scientist father came up with a potion that turns her into a man whenever her heart races--and is stupid enough to think that she'll love it. (Needs to remember the manga's title desperately)

As a side note, today's my Mommy's birthday. She's an old old lady now.