Resignation
by: Eyes-of-Pearl
Rating: K
Disclaimer: ER doesn't belong to me.
Author's Note & Synopsis: Just something short, I have been neglecting this genre for awhile. The stuff in italics are thoughts.
She was about to resign from County, but did that mean writing HIM off from her life as well? One woman's thoughts as she is about to make a life-changing decision.
Resignation
Over the years, she had put up with so much with working at County, but she never complained. She loved her job - no doubt about it. She was an ER doctor, thrown into the epicenter of the most traumatic patients who came in through those automatic doors. She may be in a code blue one minute, pronouncing a death in the next, then bouncing right back to put in a tracheotomy in the other. She was devoted in what she did, she had to, especially of the fact that she was dealing with people's lives here.
She enjoyed the staff with whom she worked with. Sometimes, she was closer to them than she was with her own family. In fact, she probably spent more time with them at work, then she did with anyone else. They were a close knitted bunch, even with the rumour mill that spread news liked wildfire in the dry California sun. They were probably having a field day with this latest piece of gossip - her resignation.
Her decision came with a sudden clarity, even though she had been toying with the idea for months since she started. She had been unhappy. However, it wasn't until later that she realized just how much stuff was pushed onto her plate. It was to the point that she started to doubt her own abilities as a physician. Then, there was the whole administration thing - not being able to accommodate her schedule and the need to fight for her hours when she needed maternity leave.
But the one thing which solidify her decision was the whole affair with Kerry Weaver who refused to acknowledge the role that she played in the death of a patient. Weaver was very willing to let someone else take the fall for a mistake that she made. Essentially, the whole incident became the proverbial last straw that broke the camel's back, and she, Jing-Mei Chen was ready to call it quits.
After signing the resignation letter with a flourish, he was the first person that she thought of. It was funny in a way because he was in no way in control of her life but in so many ways, he was the one thing in her life that was constant.
John Carter had been with her since medical school. Things changed slowly but they were never constant. Over the years, his seemingly-annoying, but endearing way of calling her "Deb" had never failed to lift her spirits. He was the only person that she was afraid of confronting about her decision. Leaving County would mean leaving John ...
Yet, there was no way of backing down from her decision. She couldn't stay, but she didn't really want to go, even though it would mean compromising her own integrity and dignity. She played with the scenarios in her mind: if she stayed, if she left. Still, there was no way that she could get away with not telling him.
John may be dense sometimes, but he was always perceptive about her. He caught her eye several times during the shift, as if to gauge her reaction. She tried to be nonchalant, and smiled and nodded in all the right places, but in the end, she gave up the whole charade.
"I have to talk to you," she said when they met in the staff lounge.
He nodded giving her his undivided attention before she changed her mind and amended, "Lets take a walk. You may not like what I have to say."
He waited expectantly as she led the way out of the emergency bay. They made small talk about the changing of weather, before he asked, "So, what's up?"
"I think I may have to resign," she told him quietly.
"You think?"
"I'm quitting, John," turning her face up to meet his, "I just turned in my papers today."
Then she hurried on to explain her doubts and insecurities about continuing on as a doctor. She was thankful that he didn't interrupt her, and not once, did he bring up the debacle with Weaver. When she was done, he simply stated, "You have to do what you have to do, Deb. Nobody can make that decision for you."
"John."
"Is it because of me, Deb?"
By now, they had stopped walking, looking at each other squarely. "What are you talking about?"
"The Chief Resident thing. Deb, you know that I would give up the position for you, if it means that you will stay."
Her heart jolted at his admission and she knew that he was sincere by his offer. But she couldn't, no matter how tempting and how unselfish he was to her. It was his and his alone. She shook her head. "No, John. That position is yours. The people need you here; County needs you. I -"
She couldn't finish her thought. She needed him.
"And you?"
"I will miss you."
Perhaps on an underlying level, they both knew that it wasn't what she meant. Jing Mei was adamant about her decision and John knew that he couldn't change her mind. Enveloping her in a hug, he whispered into her ear, "Good luck, Deb. I'm going to miss my best friend..." because I need her too.
End