How to be more popular with the ladies- by Yohji Kudou
So you're walking down the street and you spy a beautiful girl with sexy legs, cute smile, and perfectly slim waist. You saunter on over, open your mouth and the next thing you know you're flat on your back with a wristwatch print on your forehead and a high-heeled footprint imbedded in your chest. Whoa! Hold up and hit rewind!
Come on guys, whatever happened to passing through a crowd and leaving with a girl on each arm and four phone numbers tucked into your back pocket? Well, from Yohji's point of view, it may be that male standards have fallen, fallen, and smacked rock bottom in recent years. Underwear hanging out? Yes, girls really love the view of boxers whose last wash date is a bigger mystery than the meaning of life. Thirty pounds worth of "bling-bling"? Trust a sex machine on this, the only "ice" you'll be seeing is the ice in your cup as you drink your boba all by your lonesome self at Lollicup.
Yohji Kudou, playboy extraordinaire (and part-time florist/assassin) has decided to present to you a list of helpful and hopefully life-saving (for the other sex anyways) tips to allow you to undergo a large (or small!) transformation into a true male with hair on your scrawny little chest and a filled appointment book. (Disclaimer though, females not included.)
First up is hygiene. Shower, brush your teeth for at least two minutes, and remember to wash your face with facial soap before scrubbing with a wet towel. Then, if you notice a strange odor omitting from your armpits, take another shower. Remember your anti-perspirant, but please try to get one that is not "sniffable" from half a school away. And if you do put on cologne, always remember a little is a little too much. By the way, treating deodorant as cologne is definantly not encouraged. Your dog keeling over from you walking by should be a sign from God.
Alas, unless you are Johnny Depp, having a clean shaven face and decent hair cut is probably a very good idea. Long hair, short hair, it doesn't matter as long as you keep it trimmed, snip off any split ends, and always remember to wash your hair, especially if you've had gel (or hair-spray, glue, or roofing tar) in it that day. Doing otherwise will result in dandruff powerful enough to earn you the nickname "Snowy".
Next is choice of clothing (or for the average young male today, finding the shirt that is least dirty). If it's been lying on the floor of your bedroom and looks even mildly mildewed, do not wear it. Women are attracted to furry little animals but not ones that live in their date's shirt pocket. Pants? Nothing big enough to house all the Chen's at RHS please, lest a rainy day cause you to reveal those cartoon boxers your grandma gave you two Christmases ago. Definantly not going to get props for you. Socks should be one solid color (or until you pass kindergarten and learn color coordination) dark if you're wearing slacks with shoes other than sneakers (sandals are for the beach and socks are prohibited!) and white if you're in jeans. A belt is always a sign of growing maturity as well as a handy weapon in the unlikely case you are attacked by rabid dogs. Remember when choosing your top, no strips with flowers, polka dots with plaid, and anything in a neon colour should be discussed with a professional consultant before allowed into public viewing. A girl bait favorite is ribbed turtlenecks in evergreen or grey with a fitted pair of black slacks. (Do not touch bright orange. Ever. Just trust me on this one.)
Sunglasses are an absolute must for every good playboy in order to hide if you're bored on a date, looking at another girl, and also so you can slowly push them up with your middle finger in a sexy and enticing manner as you gaze at the girl of your choice over them. (In other words, always keep available!) Rings in silver are stylish but nothing with flowers or fake diamonds (unless you wish to be mistaken for F4). As for earrings, if you're not an extremely stylish Japanese rock star, Yohji would recommend sticking to a silver hoop if wearing any at all.
Men, lose the gut. Try working out at the gym but beware the dire consequences of wearing bright pink spandex shorts while attempting to pick up on chicks at the treadmill. This brings us to etiquette, the stylized charm and flattering actions of a true play boy. (Fill in the following into your little testosterone filled head please) Always begin a conversation with a girl in flattery and speak in a self-assured voice, lowered and calm. You are a good-looking guy, so feel confident! Keep breath mints (try Starbucks, they are real strong) in your pocket and always check for food in teeth after every meal. Stains should be rinsed out of shirts or at least covered by a jacket. If you've got yellow teeth, use Crest Whitening Strips for quick 2 week results, until which you should hide your beer/cigarette/magic marker stained teeth hidden in a closed lip smile. And the number one charming skill that Yohji will pass onto you is The Smile. When you are giving a girl a flirty but innocent-boy glance, tuck your chin down, cock your head slightly when smiling and then raise one eyebrow slightly after a second. Results are incredible if you have the skills to pull it off correctly.
Learn to speak fluidly and in a charming manner. Always bring attention to their best features and be poetic and artistic in praise. Beware over-usage in the wrong areas though. Telling a girl that her toes "remind me of the popcorn chicken I ate last night" may provoke catastrophe on the scale of WWIII. A lady should think they are the sole diamond of your collection, regardless of how many sapphires, rubies, and emeralds may also be readily available. Always have a cell phone, palm pilot, or good old-fashion pen handy to jot down phones numbers, names, and on occasion, measurements. Also, bearing in mind the variety of sexual preferences in today's men and women, "Sex?" is no longer a yes-no question.
Now that I've revealed to you these simple and easy ground rules for becoming more stylish attractive to the ladies, please be aware that practice does make perfect. Also, Yohji recommends that all real-life practice be initiated with females over the legal age of 18, but personally adheres to the rule of "What you don't know (or pretend not to hear due to a case of temporary selective deafness) won't hurt you". So don't be afraid, check your sunglasses and demure smile, pick up a rose (or two or three or four) at your local florist and go out on the road of conquest.
AN: Okay….this isn't exactly a fanfic….but to forstall any arguments, Yohji (who lives in my head) DID write this, this was PUBLISHED in our school paper as a two part article along with a picture of Miki Shin'ichiro whom everyone now believes is the writer and a high school student…….^ ^ Yea to Yohji.