Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or its characters. I am just a fangirl with a vivid imagination.
If I Never Knew You
Dean let out a frustrated growl and slammed the book shut. Finding information on this entire thing with the Darkness was harder than finding information on the Mark of Cain.
It couldn't be helped in a way. After all, the Darkness was as old as God, and only he and the archangels had really even met it before. Monsters were afraid of it, and that just spoke volumes. However, even Cas had limited information on it.
And the Darkness being infinite power was not really a helpful fact.
Of course, on top of all that, it had turned out that Sam had hid more about his deal with Rowena than he had originally thought and had been infected by the Darkness. His brother hiding things, even though he had eventually come clean about it, still held a bit of sting to it.
He glanced over at the table where the angel was now sitting. Cas looked tired out, but no wonder considering all he had gone through lately. Sam was out on a food run, and although the thought of food was welcome, it didn't improve his mood.
It didn't stop the frustration growing under his skin. He had thought that things would get better after Sam convinced him to let Cas heal him and they had gotten some hunts done, but it really hadn't.
"This is pointless." There was a slight screeching noise as he pushed his chair back from the table a little too roughly. Dean ignored Cas's look. "We're not going to find anything."
"There could be something." Cas said reasonably. "After all, legends do exist of her existence, even among the ranks of angels. I'm sure humans themselves would have theories and stories about her, and they are more apt to keep records."
"Yeah, stories, but not how to lock her back where she came from." He began to pace, chills crawling up his spine as his thoughts drifted towards the Darkness. There was something unsettling about her and he didn't like the way she had talked about them being bound.
"Instead," Dean quickly moved on, "we have to find that dick to see if he knows anything!"
From the corner of his eye, he could see Cas scowling at that. He was glad that at least someone didn't like the idea of finding Metatron as much as him. Sam was still all for it though.
The hunter felt his frustrated anger deflating a bit. After all, it's not like they had too many options, and this wasn't Cas's fault. He landed heavily in his chair.
Dean hated this. They were trying to go upstream without a paddle once more, and why? All because he had been stupid enough to accept the Mark in the first place and Sam had been too stubborn to let him go.
Still, now that Dean had a moment to relax, he almost couldn't help the random thought that floated through his mind.
"Man," the hunter rubbed his face, trying to dispel the tiredness that had come in the wake of his feeble rage, "sometimes I think it would have been better for everyone if you had just left me in Hell."
He didn't really register the way that those words seemed to hang in the air for a moment, or the faint sound of a sharp intake of breath. He did notice the ringing silence, and at Cas's lack of response, he couldn't help but look up.
Castiel was staring at him with wide eyes. There was a flicker of hurt there, hiding in that gaze that had never really hidden how he felt. He mostly seemed to just be staring at him in shock though.
"What?" Dean didn't know how he could have caused such a reaction.
The angel seemed to gather himself together before answering. "You can't mean that."
"What?" The hunter's face scrunched up in confusion. What exactly was Cas getting at?
"You can't mean that. It would not be better if you had remained in Hell." There was a slight hint of desperation in his voice.
It dawned on Dean, exactly what had triggered this reaction.
"Cas, think about for a second." He hadn't really meant what he had originally said; it was more like a passing thought. But now that he really thought of it, it wasn't totally false. After all, he had been the one to start the breaking of the seals, and it had all tumbled down from there. "I – " He began to explain.
"I am, Dean." The angel interrupted as he stood from his spot, hands curling into fists on the table top. Dean glanced down at the clenched fingers. "That is not true."
"Cas," the hunter could almost feel the frustration that had faded a few moments ago rise once more. "I basically started the Apocalypse by breaking the First Seal, and that's what lead to everything since then."
"It wasn't your fault." Castiel said hotly. "As we learned, both Heaven and Hell were conspiring against you."
"Doesn't matter. It was me who made the decision to pick up the knife."
"If that's true, then you can't blame yourself for everything since then." Castiel argued. "Both Sam and I have made decisions as well that led to this. Removing the Mark was our idea, and that led directly to this."
"Yeah, but I'm the one who chose to take on the Mark in the first place!"
They were arguing in earnest now. It had been ages since they had fought like this. It's not like Dean wanted to fight with the angel. It just sort of happened.
He hated this, but he had been so frustrated lately, and, well, Cas was here.
"Things may be tough, but we have been through just as worse." Castiel didn't raise his voice, he never really did, but his voice had that commanding tone like he was still the Captain of the Garrison. "That doesn't mean that you should have been left in Hell."
"You can't even claim that when we don't even have a clue where the Darkness is or how to get rid of her!" Dean poured out his frustration, but he could barely control what he was saying anymore. Distantly though, he knew that these were things he would only ever say to Cas, not Sam. "Don't you get it, Cas? This whole crap fest, the Mark, the Apocalypse: this was my fault!"
"It wasn't!" Cas sternly countered. "Why do you have to blame yourself for everything?"
"Like you're any better! You blame things on yourself all the time!"
"When it is my fault! The war in Heaven, Leviathans, the Fall, and Metatron getting away were my fault! I freely admit that." Castiel admitted. "And I've been working to try to make up for that."
"It's because you're always trying to help that this happened, even way back then!" Dean shouted. "You know, sometimes I wish I had never met you!"
Cas's eyes widened just a bit and this time Dean saw and heard the sharp gasp. The angel practically flinched at his words, and it was the closest he had ever done so when he wasn't cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. His reaction jerked the hunter back into the present.
It still took him a moment to realize what he had said. Instantly, the guilt flooded in. He didn't mean that. Once more, he had put his foot in his mouth and said something he hadn't meant, and to Cas of all people.
Castiel had had just as hard of a time lately than any of them, maybe even a bit more. He had his Grace stolen, nearly died from having the wrong Grace, and he was still recovering from Rowena's attack dog spell. Not to mention that Dean had nearly beat him to death, which they had yet to talk about.
They really needed to talk about that, but Dean couldn't bring himself to start the conversation just yet. And with what he had said now, things were getting worse between them.
Dean gulped and opened his mouth to say something, anything, to take back what he had said. Castiel beat him to it though as he straightened into the stance of his shoulder.
"You don't mean that either." Cas's voice tried to be strong, but for a moment, just a moment, it wavered. He continued with a surer tone. "You are not angry at me, and I wish you would stop venting your frustrations on me."
The angel turned to leave, and Dean didn't even have it in him to stop him. The hunter placed his hands on table, unable to look at the departing angel due to guilt once more coursing through his veins. Cas really didn't need all this. However, Dean looked up as the angel stopped at the beginning of the passage heading towards the bedrooms from the library. Cas turned back towards him, and the hunter almost flinched at the pain mixed with compassion in them.
"I have never regretted meeting you. I have never regretted raising you from Hell. I regret many things I have done, but that is not one of them. It is probably the greatest thing I have ever done." Castiel raised his chin in defiance. "You claim things would have been like this, and they wouldn't have been; things would be worse if I hadn't raised you. At the very least, for myself, I would still be part of Heaven, most likely continually being corrected by Naomi."
Dean winced. He had nearly forgotten about that bitch, and what she would do to Cas in order to "fix" him.
"I was never able to truly be myself, and stay myself, until I met you. I wouldn't be able to feel, be the real me so to speak." Castiel continued, and this was probably the longest the hunter had ever heard Castiel talk about himself. "I am grateful that I met you."
He looked away, and Dean found himself released from the angel's gaze that he hadn't even realized he had been captivated by as per usual. "So please do not say such things." Castiel finished, and with that he turned and walked away, not even giving Dean a chance to reply, mush less apologize.
The hunter slumped into his chair, cursing softly. He rubbed his hand over his face.
He had screwed things up again, and he just kept doing that, especially lately. His words had hurt Cas and he didn't know what to do.
Dean hated this.
He hated this even more than the situation they found themselves in with the Darkness.
It wasn't too long before Sam walked in. He knew that his brother instantly took in his position at the table and the distinct lack of Cas, and he ignored the sigh and bitch face that was surely being directed at him.
"What did you do now?" Sam groused as he set Dean's cheeseburger and fries in front of him.
"Nothing." The older brother said defensively as he unwrapped the burger, and started to shove fries into his mouth.
"Right." The younger Winchester clearly didn't believe him. "Have you and Cas talked yet?" He gave him a look that said exactly what he had hoped they would talk about.
"There's nothing to talk about." Dean knew that was a lie, and he had even admitted it to himself before this. He wanted to talk to Cas, about everything, but as usual he just made things worse and they weren't talking at all. The two of them being on speaking terms was one of the things he had liked about being released from the Mark.
Sam sighed and, surprisingly, dropped the subject. He set his salad down before heading towards Cas's room, probably to try to offer him food or at least get him to come out. He returned alone, and he sent an even bigger bitch face at his brother.
Dean ignored him and continued to eat. However, he didn't bring up the lack of pie in what Sam had brought back, which normally he would have been all over.
It was a very quiet evening that followed, as no one in the Bunker felt like talking to each other.
The figure outside frowned at what he had heard. If he could enter the building uninvited (which he couldn't as it seemed to have a policy similar to those vampire myths), he would have gone in and given that mud monkey a piece of his mind.
Though frankly, he supposed that he should be thankful that he was nearby at all, so he could simply hear them. He couldn't even sense Castiel, and he didn't know if that was due to this place or if the angel had finally decided to get some wards for his own protection.
He had come back and it turned out that Dean and Castiel were still in the same old song and dance. They wouldn't tell each other things outright, though he admitted that Cas at least had come close, and due to that, they ended up missing each other and creating misunderstandings.
He hated the fact that Dean was once more hurting Cas, all because he couldn't think before he spoke.
Suddenly, a brilliant idea formed in his mind, inspired by Dean's words. A smirk grew on his face, and he knew exactly what he would have to do the next time the elder Winchester left the confines of the Bunker.
Dean wished that he had never met Castiel? Well, that could be arranged.
AN: One thing that I'm glad about this season so far is that the pity party and blaming themselves for almost ending the world seems to have mostly stopped. However, habits don't break that easily, and both Cas and Dean have a habit of raking themselves over the coals for this kind of stuff. We know Dean feels guilty too, especially towards Cas, as he, by the episode "Baby," still wouldn't let Cas heal his wounds from Cas hurting him under the attack dog spell.
This fic is based off of me listening to the song "If I Never Knew You" from Pocohantus and thinking, "Man, what would things be like if they had never met? What if they got into an argument and Dean accidentally wished that?" And ta-dah! It's nothing good, I can tell you.
On another note, this fic is a bit different than my normal ones. Usually, except in the case of fics comprised of one-shots, I at least have my entire first draft with some basic editing for continuity done for a fic before I start posting the first chapter. Then I continue posting while doing some more editing to catch mistakes and make it sound better. I'm not doing this for this story. What you see is basically all I have, due to the fact that I wanted to at least start getting this up before Dean and Cas apparently have their talk in 11x06. Already I changed some things to include "Baby" even though I originally intended for this to take place between 11x03 and 11x06. Now it takes place sometime between 11x04 and 11x06. Because of everything, I cannot guarantee when I will post new chapters. This isn't going to be very long probably, and I do have an outline/synopsis of all that I want to happen written out, but I am taking grad classes and it's the time of the semester where everything is full of projects. Therefore, I cannot guarantee when I will post things, but just know that I will get around to it and I will finish it.