Life is a beautiful moment. Wrapped in a painful moment. Wrapped in a beautiful moment. Wrapped in a painful moment. And the moment he finally gave up on her, on them, was particularly painful. Even more so than a bullet tearing through her chest. She gladly would have taken another bullet, had she been given the choice. And since that moment, there have not been a beautiful moment in the vast emptiness that became her life.
He found out about what she was doing. Her dangerous crusade for justice. He showed up at the precinct one morning and at first she was glad to see him. Glad that yet again, he found some reason to stop by. Some reason to be dragged into some case the guys are working. She was happy to see him, until she noticed that he wasn't wearing his trademark smile and infectious enthusiasm. He walked into her office, shoulders hunched, as if even the weight of his own body was too much to bear. He examined her for a second, opened his mouth to say something before thinking better of it. He straightened his shoulders slightly before calmly saying "I know what you're doing. We should talk. Can you come to my office when your shift is over?" She was taken aback. She immediately knew what he was referring to. She barely got out a response before he turned on his heels and strode out the door and towards the elevator.
He got up from his desk when she arrived at his PI office and called out his name. He didn't seem as tall as she remembered. His sagging shoulders accentuated by a jacket that looked to be too big. She was saddened by the fact that her burden weighed so heavily on him. But now he knew. He found out somehow. "Babe, I..."
"Don't 'Babe' me, Beckett", he cut her off, "Not now. Not after all of this. I know about your secret man-hunt. About your investigation into Bracken's partner."
The icy tone of his voice threw her. She knew she had to make him see her reasons for excluding him. For pushing him away. "Then you must also know why I did it", she started.
"Yes, I know why. You don't let go and you don't back down. Your sense of justice and responsibility is just too great for anything else to be important."
She gave up on fighting back her tears. "Your safety, your life, is more important", she mumbled, the tears streaming down her face. She took a moment to gather herself before speaking again. "Castle, I left to protect you..."
He interrupted her again. "Yes, Beckett. And you were hoping that once all is said and done I'd just be waiting with open arms. Well, here's the thing, Honey, I won't. It's over. I can't do this dance with you anymore. After you settle your score with this villain, the next one will come knocking. And the next, and the next. And every time you embark on one of your holy wars, you'll leave me in the dark to 'keep me safe'. It's not what I signed up for and I'm done."
He pushed himself up from where he was leaning against the desk. He walked around it and retrieved something from the top drawer. Her heart sank when he slapped the envelope down on the polished wood.
"Get your lawyer to go over it and sign it so we can end this sordid chapter." He sank into the chair with a sigh and she could see that what he just did damn near killed him. He wiped his hand over his face before looking up at her again. His voice close to a whisper when he spoke again. "Please. Just go now."
She was shocked. Out of a lifetime of nightmares, this was the one she thought was least likely to come true. She dragged the envelope off the desk, as if it contained the weight of the world. She looked at him one last time. He was only a shadow of the happy man-child he once was. The large, ruggedly handsome man she fell in love with. It broke her heart that the price of her redemption was so high, so heavy, that it ruined him too. She won't ever forgive herself for that. And with that thought still lingering in her mind, she turned and walked out. Clutching the papers close to her chest, as if it is the last piece of him she can hang on to.
That was a year ago. She hasn't seen or talked to him in months. She relocated to the West Coast after she and Vikram finally managed to expose LokSat. It was a bittersweet victory. If it even was a victory at all, considering what it cost. She drowned herself in work since she got here. Never giving herself time to think of what was. But she would catch herself thinking about him more often than she'd care to admit.
She stared down at the phone in her hand. She lost count on how many times she had almost called him. Thumb hovering on the call button, before locking the phone and casting it aside. But tonight, on the anniversary of that horrible evening, she felt brave. She wanted to at least try to apologize. Say that she is sorry for everything she's done. She, who had looked into the eyes of countless monsters without flinching, was scared to make a simple call. She glanced at the phone again and took a deep breath. She can do this. She scrolled through the contacts and pressed the dial button before she could lose her nerve. Again. He answered too soon and yet also not soon enough.
"Kate. Is everything OK?" He sounded sleepy. Of course he did. She forgot about the time difference. "Kate?" He spoke again, sounding concerned.
"Yes, I'm fine." Her heart screamed silently that she was anything but fine.
"It's late. Sorry, I shouldn't have called." She was already aiming to disconnect when she heard him again.
"Late, yes. But it's good to hear your voice." She let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. "So let me guess, you're stumped on a case and you need my expertise and insight into the criminal mind to crack it?"
A joke. After everything he finds it possible to crack a joke. She laughed at that. A hollow, nervous laugh. The laugh of someone who hasn't laughed at anything in a year. Perhaps he wasn't as bent out of shape as she thought.
"No, that's not why I called", she heard herself say.
"I know", he replied. "So how have you been, Beckett?"
They talked for more than an hour after that. Small talk. Saying everything and nothing all at once. But they talked and her laugh became easier as she listened to him tell stories about his adventures in the PI business. All too soon, they both ran out of nonsense to talk about and she heard him yawn. The line went quiet and for a second she thought he fell asleep.
Now or never, she decided. "Rick, I'm sorry..."
She could hear him exhale, as if he too was also holding his breath for far too long. "I know", he simply said. There was no anger, no resentment in it. Simply the statement of a fact.
They both went quiet for a long moment. Both of them knew there was more to be said, but neither could find the words or the courage. The distance between them stretched far wider than the continent that separated them. And that is when she finally lost her nerve. But not completely. Maybe the middle of the night was not the time to discuss such heavy subject matter. Maybe they could speak about it in the light of day.
And so she gambled, "Listen, it's late. Maybe we can talk some more tomorrow?"
She could swear he was smiling when he replied, "until tomorrow, Kate."
And as she hears him disconnect the call, his words from so many years before runs through her mind again: "'Until tomorrow' sounds more...hopeful."