I'm done. I'm shutting it all off, every single emotion. Gone, just like that. Never to be felt again. I'm tired of feeling this way. Of hurting and loving and caring and being angry and sad and so I'm stopping it now. It's all over now. Damon may not be strong enough to do it but I am. I will get drunk this weekend and I won't cry or get emotional. I'll get drunk and enjoy the exceeding numbness that will accompany it. Jeff doesn't care anymore, Shannon's gone, KJ killed me so now I'm making myself feel better again by not feeling anything at all. Some say they'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Clearly, they've never been in pain like this before. It's unbearable and never ending. Ask Damon, he knows what I mean. He's only felt this way for fucking ever. He and I, we're one and the same. We fall hard, get hurt and then we shut down and drink until we're completely numb every night for 100+ years and then we do it all over again. It's an endless cycle and it cuts a bloody fucking path through both of our lives. I'm just glad we met each other because we each keep the other from getting hurt. We feel unloved, we go to each other and we'll never hurt each other because somewhere along the line, we fell in love with one another. Elena and Katherine may always come before me and Shannon and KJ may always rank over Damon but neither of us are hurt by this. Because we know that we're just placeholders until one of our first choices change their mind and decide they want us. And that may never happen but I know that it will because Damon and I could never work. We're too broken, too shattered, too imperfect, too selfish and too dead to care. But we both go to bed at night and ask each other, 'What is so wrong with me that no one can ever choose me? Am I that horrible? When will I ever be happy again? Maybe I should just die, stand in the sunlight without my ring and just burn? No one will miss me anyways.' But we always comfort each other, we talk each other down from those thoughts because secretly we never want to die because we want to always be together. We hold each other while we cry ourselves to sleep, partly because of the pain and partly out of happiness that we have each other always. We haven't spent a day apart in the 200 years since he turned me. He turned me after Stefan and Elena got married. He was already 175 at the time. You'd think that spending everyday with someone for 200 years would be draining and get boring after a while. It never has and never will for us. We need each other too much to ever leave. He's my strength and my weakness and I'm the same for him. We have almost nothing in common. Sure, we're both cynical and sarcastic and guarded. Neither of us want to let go of the past. But the most important things we have in common? We're both 100%, completely, without a shadow of a doubt DONE with the past and 100%, completely, without a shadow of a doubt in love with each other. We tell ourselves that the kisses mean nothing when they really sear every raw nerve ending in our bodies. We pretend that the sex we have that's so passionate that we both cry is simply because we need to project the unreciprocated love we have for others on someone. We act like we don't dream about each other. And, even though we've each said it to the other and we know they heard it, we go on like we never started this hot mess. Like he never said I love you as I was leaving after a fight. And like I never said I love you too before running back to him to kiss and make love to him with every ounce of passion in my body. We make a point of saying it at least once every 50 years. Even though we've only said it 6 times in the past 200 years, we will both always know that it's true because everyday we drag each other to Hell and show each other Heaven at the same time.