So, this popped into my head, maybe because I've been feeling this way, and I plan on doing what I'm about to have James do.
If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then cool is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
James sighed. He really didn't feel good these days. Thoughts of death, thoughts of slicing his wrist so deep, he hit vein and died from blood loss, thoughts of jumping off the roof of the Palm Woods, thoughts of swallowing a whole bottle of Carlos' Ritalin pills. He knew it wasn't good. It wasn't normal. But, that didn't matter to him. He wasn't normal. He wasn't okay. He hadn't been in a while. He knew that he probably should tell someone, but he couldn't show weakness. It was like a wound to him, meaning he didn't want to talk about his problems or thoughts. He knew that keeping it bottled up wasn't cool, but what else could he do?
He wasn't immune. No one could be immune to teasing. Bullying. Everything. There was no vaccine he could be given, or antibiotic that he could take, that would ever make this immune to it. Words hurt. You may think that they don't hurt as much as physical punches or kicks or anything of the sort, but they do. Hell, they could even hurt more than physical contact.
All he wanted was to be loved. Was that really too much to ask? He knew that Kendall, Carlos, and Logan loved him, but what about his parents? Why didn't they love him? Or his older brother? Why wasn't he good enough? Why was everything he did, wrong? Why couldn't he please his parents? Why couldn't he please his brother? Why couldn't he do anything right?
He felt safe behind the wall of emotion. The wall of happiness he'd put up, to hide the empty feeling he actually felt. It wasn't hard to pretend he was happy, quite easy, actually. Though, he did love to joke around with Logan. Logan had that special gift, a gift that could get him laughing, making him genuinely happy. But Logan was special.
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
Could he lose his need to impress? His need to be perfect for everyone. Could it go away in the blink of an eye? He wished it could, because in all honesty, he didn't want to be Mr. Perfect James Diamond. He wanted to be James Diamond, who wasn't perfect. Who had flaws. Perfect was boring.
Everyone kept telling him to always tell the truth. Well, if they really wanted the truth, there was something he needed to confess.
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
He wasn't alright. Not even close. He was broken inside, and he just needed help. Someone to catch him before it was too late. Before he fell completely. Before he destroyed himself to the point that he ended up killing himself.
All he went through, somehow, he thought of someone. The someone who'd helped him before. Who'd saved his life. The someone who had always been there, ready to listen. The someone who always made him feel loved. Made him feel needed, like he had a purpose in life and a reason to live.
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I'm not that strong
James wasn't sure what was happening. Somehow, his pride, all the feeling of not showing weakness, it was all disappearing. His weakness was emerging. And the wall of happiness he'd built around himself was disintegrating. It would disappear, until he was finally open, nothing left for him to cling to. Only Logan was there to lead him on. Because, quite honestly, he was not that strong.
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
He wasn't alright. That was for sure. He was about to give up. About to lose all faith in humanity. No, he wasn't going to end his life. He was about to lose all faith that anything would ever getting better. Because y'know what? Everything always gets a hell of a lot worse.
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...James stood from his bed, finally having made a decision. Slowly, he walked out of his room, down, the hall. Not bothering to grab a jacket, James stepped out into the cold Minnesota air, automatically turning left toward Logan's house. As he got closer and closer, he thought about it. Was this the right decision? Yea. It was the right decision to tell Logan everything.
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you
He wasn't alright. He was broken inside. All he went through, he thought of Logan. His thoughts were leading him to Logan's house. He finally reached Logan's front door, and rang the doorbell, hoping that his best friend was home.
I'm not alright, I'm not alright, I'm not alright...that's why I need you
The door swung open, and there stood Logan, smiling at him.
"Logie, we need to talk," James whispered.
"I need you."
I'm sorry. This had to be written.
XO ~Neha