Heal
An: I heard a pod cast recently that had Freddie (aka Kanan) talking about things that could and would be coming up in season 3 and that is what lead to this.
Ezra's pov
"I don't need your help Hera! leave me be. I am a Jedi, I don't need my eyes to get around the ghost" Kanan yelled out for about the millionth time this week.
I sighed, ever since coming back from Malachor, Kanan has been slowly getting more angry at everyone for trying to help him, especially Hera and me for we would be with him as much as we could. He just doesn't see how much we are about, how much he means to just. To me he saved my life, before I was just there living day to day not really participating in what happened to others if there was nothing in it for me but now I did, Kanan gave me something that I can never thank him enough for.
That's why it is so hard to see him this way and to know that it was my fault why he is like this. I mean I trusted Maul when I never would have before, but how am I supposed to know these things about people like him if someone won't tell me. This would have never happened on the streets, it was look out for number one and don't trust anyone else. I hear the sith holocron calling out to me again and I am loosing myself to it. Then I shake my head and the call is muted, I need to get away from this.
Right now I just want to run away, go back to my life on the streets, no rules, just looking out for myself, no one else has to get hurt because of me and no one has to care about want I am doing either. Kanan...when he is not yelling, is ordering me around like I am some little kid and this makes me feel like I have lost some of his trust. Hera tries to help me feel better about what he says to me but he yells at her for it. I think that what ever relationship they have or had is now over or just about over and it is my fault too.
Sabine, Zeb and even chopper stay out of the way of the angry Jedi master and his equally snippy padawan. Going up against two Jedi and a starship captain too, they knew that they would most likely end up flattened against the wall, and it wasn't only around the ghost, it was out on missions too, like Kanan wasn't sure that the mission would get done correctly if he wasn't there to give the orders, not that he did much of that before, he knew that everyone had their part to play and he would listen to what they had to say.
The last mission we were on...the first since Malachor, he ordered me to stay by his side and even when I get a chance to help Rex and the others with his borrowed light saber, he makes sure that Zeb watches me like a hawk, making sure that I followed the plan to the letter and I am getting sick of it. I want out!... and the mission we are about to do might give me the opportunity to do just that, then nothing that happens to them will be my fault and I will be free of this painful feeling I hope.
It is just a supply run to Garel, easy thing, so easy that it's just going to be Zeb and I and I know I can get away from him, if it had been Sabine...maybe not but Zeb is too big to follow where I can go so this should be easy, it should be easy but that will be the hardest part of what I am about to do...saying goodbye to the people that have become my new family, that have in the last few weeks taken care of me through the nightmares that hit me every night since because I know once I run they won't be there to help me with anything, they wont even be able to catch me again, even Kanan wont be able to trace me through the force.
And so a little while later after Kanan made sure Zeb was the one flying the phantom, not that I would have taken the controls any way, like Kanan my abilities with starships were nothing special and the time flying there I could calm myself and really think about what I am going to do and how I was going to do it. We landed and took off to the market place, which luck would have it was buzzy, so as soon as I could I disappear from Zeb's sight. I could feel his worry when he found my comlink and his anger when he couldn't find any trace of me but I knew I couldn't go back, I just couldn't take what was happening with the crew and Kanan any more.
"Kanan's not my dad but right now that is how he is treating me, like a little kid who can't think for themselves. I believe, no I know he cares but I don't need that type of care, not all the time any way. I need my freedom" I think as I hide on top of a house from Zeb, who is just underneath me still trying to see if he can see me, that I had just dropped my comlink and I was trying to find him too.
I watched Zeb for a little while longer before disappearing deeper into the city, I had to find a safe place to hide tonight. Somewhere where my nightmares couldn't find me, where the crew couldn't find me, where Kanan couldn't find me and think about whether I really want to do this. I know I thought I did but that would mean loosing more than I would gain.
But then I remember that we really weren't a team or a family any more. Zeb, Sabine are often off with Hera doing something for the rebellion, sometimes they ask me to come, but I usually say no. I often stay on the base to work with the sith holocron, not that I have gotten to far with it. After the first opening, I found there was layers to it, just like in the temple to get to it in the first place and each one needed more power to open, so far all I had done was open the first layer, which wasn't very helpful at all, it was like it was designed to change me completely before I found out what information it held. The other reason I don't go is because of Kanan.
Kanan for all his yelling and anger at us for trying to help him, doesn't realize that he does need it. He has lost the trust in what he knows and because of that I can feel the dark side worming its way into him, just like its worming its way into me. It is trying to corrupt us both, and it is my fear that it is winning and without help Kanan and I will fall into its embrace.
My hiding place turns out to be good after all, but I don't sleep, every time I close my eyes I see Maul or Vader doing something to someone I care about. I can't eat either, every time I try I just can't keep it down. I am getting weaker but I can't go back to them, I can't even leave this place for the fear that they will find me and force me to tell them why I did this in the first place but that will mean telling them about what happened to me and I just can't face that yet.
Weeks pass, and I haven't left Garel, with little to no sleep and almost no food I know I need but just can't take that next step. I know the crew have been looking for me, Zeb stayed on Garel as long as he could before taking the supplies back to the others that was two days ago, which now has Sabine here looking for me and she brought Chopper to help her, some how Kanan must have told them I am still here.
They have even less of a chance of finding me than Zeb, Sabine is a good artist..bomber..translator..gunner but a tracker she is not and chopper well all he has going for him is his scanners but that wont help him on his planet, with all the metal around scanners are just about as useless as giving Zeb a bath to get rid of his smell.
From my place I can see Sabine now and chopper has his transmitter on, I can see the worry on the girl's face as well as feel it but that is not enough to change my mind about this now. I now know that I need to find a place to die, I need this to end. All I feel now is the cold, from the dark side or my weakening body I am not sure but it doesn't matter any more.
"Sabine any luck?" I hear Hera say over the transmission.
"No, it's like Ezra doesn't want to be found. I have talked to people and I know the empire doesn't have him, like Kanan said he is here, but no one knows where he is, only that a boy matching his description has been seen stealing food" Sabine answered, I could hear how sad she was that she couldn't find me.
"Sabine maybe we're not the ones he wants to find him, he needs Kanan and Kanan needs him, but right now he is in no condition to do that. So Ezra has t want to come home on his own and without his comlink he can't hear us talk to him into letting us find him, at least we know he is still alive" Hera said.
"We are not going to abandon him. He has already had that once.."Sabine started to say before Hera interrupted her "I know Sabine, I know but Ezra is a Jedi or soon to be one anyway. Ezra like Kanan has ways of hiding and disappearing that we just don't have, in a way this is Jedi business and I think only a Jedi can solve it".
"Then what should I do?" Sabine asked.
"Come home, the rebellion knows about this and will keep an eye out for him but I think this is one of those times when we shouldn't get in their way"Hera finished.
That was it, they had basically given up on me, I was really on my own again. I ran from my hiding spot as soon as Sabine and Chopper had left, I was heading for the nearest shuttle not really caring where it was going, just that it was taking me away from the pain I felt right now but what I didn't know at the time was how can you run from yourself.
Half a day later the shuttle landed on the desert world of Tatooine, which I found out was the worst place for a kid like me to be. Not only did I have trouble hiding who I was out here when I found out this planet was basically run by the worst scum of the universe, but when I ran into this man, who kind of reminded me of Kanan before Malachor and his wookie friend,who reminded me of Zeb, they had heard that someone was looking for me and were going to take me back against my will. So I played the same trick on them that I did on the ghost crew when I first met them, by using the vent system I got away and force jumped out of the ship onto the sand bellow. I didn't know I was in the middle of no where, just that I was away from reminders that I didn't want any more.
The heat from the suns in the sky soon had me wishing for the golden grassed plains of Lothal, that planet was dry but never this hot. I looked for some shade but all the shade I could see was in the form of large piled boulders but when I got closer to them I could see small people in robes with glowing yellow eyes, another reminder that I didn't want.
I flinch at that, too many evil people I know have yellow eyes. The last one took my master's sight and in a way I helped him to do it. Kanan of course had told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been used to get the holocron and maybe other things as well, but how could I not blame myself after seeing what Kanan is like now to what he was like before Malachor. If I hadn't trusted Maul and got that holocron maybe none of this would have happened.
A wave of dizziness hit me a moment later and I drop to the sand. My body after weeks of not really eating, not really sleeping and now this heat, was giving up and I was letting it, I was going to get my wish, I was going to die. In a crazy way I was sacrificing myself, protecting people that I cared about from what could come of me if I continue down this dark path I was on since Malachor.
I fall sideways and close my eyes, not caring any more about anything, I could almost hear a voice talking,maybe it was Kanan trying to get me up and moving but I just didn't care. I could hear shuffling of feet coming closer, it must be those little people again, seeing what they could get off my dead body and they were welcome to it, I had done it before on Lothal. I didn't like it but I did it to survive.
I could feel an arm slide under my shoulders and another under my knees and then I was lifted up and placed somewhere that was cool. I opened my eyes to see who had saved me as water poured into my mouth but all I could see was an old man. How could he have lifted me? I knew I didn't weight as much as I should,less even since running away but still...
"Well hello there youngling. How are we feeling? better I hope"said the man, who I realized now looked very familiar but I couldn't think of where I had seen him.
I didn't know who this man was but it felt like I should. While the grey hair with small areas of light brown and wrinkles around the eyes meant nothing to me, it was the eyes themselves that drew me to him,like Kanan's eyes they told a story of this person and was what told me that there was more to him than just an old man.
"Finished staring?" he asked and when I nodded he continued "what is your name? mine is Ben".
"Ezra" I answered, knowing that I could trust him with that much. I was not willing to give away more than I should, remembering the time with Maul and realizing I gave him more information than I should that day. He should have never got that much from me and had I been with Kanan he never would have.
"Well Ezra what are you doing out this far from town? not running away from something are you?" Ben pressed me now, like he cared what happened to me.
"What if I am" I said a little louder than I wanted too, and hearing it bounce off the walls of which I realized now was a cave.
Ben just raised his eyebrow at that, then I realized he was just trying to help me by lightening the mood and I was snapping at him, just like I had been with Kanan and the guilt from what I did washed over me, Kanan deserved better than that, he deserved better than a padawan like me and so did this man.
"I am sorry,I didn't mean to snap at you. Its just that a lot of things have happened recently to me and my friends, that I caused and I couldn't handle it any more, so I ran off. I didn't want them to suffer any more pain because of anything I did" I said, the pain obvious in my voice.
"Don't you think they are suffering now too?" he said, helping me to sit up now that I was getting stronger as my body woke up more.
"What do you mean...spill it?" I asked.
"What I mean is,,,,,,don't you think they are missing you, wondering where you are, whether your in pain"he started to explain before I interrupted him "but I am in pain...its all my fault".
My shoulders were shaking as the sobs I had been holding in for so long now fell. Kanan's face with the bandage over his eyes, swam in my vision and I did it to him, I hadn't used the blade but I had trusted the man no monster that did. No one should ever come near me again I just get people hurt or killed, just like my parents who were alive until they heard my voice that caused them to act as they did, Kanan shouldn't have listened to anything I had to say that day.
"Easy youngling, easy there"Ben's soft voice calming me as he put his arm around me and pulling me closer so I could cry on his shirt.
suddenly I felt the warmth, comfort and light coming off this man. It was filling my whole body driving the pain I felt away, the only other time I had felt like this, was when Kanan had held me on the phantom after I used the dark side for the first time. Now here was someone, who didn't really know me giving me the same strength as if he was a Jedi too. Then I wondered did he know someone or was someone who was or had gone through the same kind off pain.
"Why are you being so nice to me? you don't know me much at all" I said looking up at the man.
"Well you remind me of another youngling" he answered letting me go and standing.
Ben walked over to a desk and then he was holding something, something that made his body curl in on itself, like he too was holding back sobs that he wanted to fall. From where I was I couldn't see what it could be. I could tell that Ben was regretting what ever memory that the item brought up.
Did I want that type of regret? I could stay away from Kanan and the rest and forget about ever using the force again, good or bad, I would never use it but how would I feel if one day I found out that they had died and I wasn't there to save them...like Ben I should think.
I need to go home,I could see now what Kanan was trying to do all along and now I understood another type of strength filled me. It didn't feel good or bad, it just was there and gave me the strength to send something to Kanan about where I was down the bond. I knew he would have been looking for me any way that he could but what I wasn't prepared for was the emotion that was sent back.
I felt his happiness, along with his anger at what I did but before we lost the connection I did feel his love for me as a little brother and almost son and then I sent mine back to my older brother and as hard as it was to admit to myself, he was almost my father as well.
"Ben I have to go home. I have to face my family and own up to what happened. I don't know what will happen but it has to be better than this" I said.
I see the old man smile as he turned back to me as he placed the item that he had away. That smile told me that I had made the right choice, a choice that I am guessing he wished he had made.
"I think that is for the best and I will tell you what... borrow the speeder out front, it belongs to a good friend of mine, he can pick it up next time he is in town" Ben said helping me to stand up and walked me to the speeder, which had a map to the next nearest town in the viewer.
"Thank you for this" I said before taking off in the direction the map said to go.
So fast was my take off that I didn't see a kid my age come up to Ben and say "who was that?" nor did I hear Ben's reply of "just a kid that was a little lost Luke, just had to set him on the right path again".
I got to the town with moments to spare before the others turned up. I could feel their anger and pain at what I had put them through in the past weeks. I could see their worried faces when they realized how pale and weak I was but that didn't matter to me right now, there was only one thing, one person that mattered to me right now.
Kanan was leaning up against the wall and unlike the others he was calmer. I could feel the warmth again, just like I did with the old man Ben, so I pushed through the others, stopping Hera from giving me the mother hug she was so desperate to give me, to get to the man that meant everything to me and wrapped my arms around my master for the first time in weeks, but he didn't hug me back at first.
"I'm sorry I sent down the bond and then I feel his arms go around me and his answering reply of "I am too".
Later on after Hera made sure that I had a large meal, not that I could keep all of it down, being on the streets like I was had made me sick but nothing I couldn't recover from, I was sitting in Kanan's room after saying sorry to everyone again for what I did and like Ben had told me they had suffered because of me, so much so that they were all off to their own rooms to sleep, but Kanan had almost ordered me to stay in his room for now so he could in a manor of speaking keep an eye on me.
Not that it mattered, I just couldn't sleep any way, the dark side was pushing on my mind again now that I was close to the sith holocron again. My arms went around myself and I rocked back and forth trying to calm myself but it wasn't working reminding me of why I ran in the first place. Tears came to my eyes as the voices started up again.
"Don't listen to them Ezra" I heard Kanan's voice in the dark say, he had obviously been keeping check on my mind. Then I feel his arms go around me and then he pulls me up onto his lap. Normally I wouldn't let him do this but I was in pain and he was as well, we both needed this. I rested my head on his chest, close as I could to where I could hear his heart beating, it calmed me and I think in a way it calmed Kanan as well.
"Spill it, what's going on with you?" Kanan asked.
"Master the dark side is winning. I can hear him...them, both Maul's voice and the voice from the sith holocron. I'm falling to the dark side and I can't stop it. I don't want to fall, I don't want to end up fighting you one day, where I might hurt you or even kill you" I said closing me eyes trying to hear Kanan's heart again, hoping that I will never hear it stop one day at the end of my light saber.
"I know, the dark side has a hold on you now and don't think I didn't feel it when you opened the sith holocron but Ezra you should know that I will always fight for you, no matter if you have fallen or not"Kanan told me, his arms tightening around me.
The voices quietened then but they didn't disappear and my hands tightened in Kanan's shirt. Suddenly I felt Kanan's force signature flood my own and he drove off the dark. I relaxed, the dark side was gone for now and as long as I had my master it would always be gone. Kanan laid us down and I curled into him more, all the fear and pain from the last weeks gone.
"Ezra, you and I need each other for your not the only one fighting the dark, I am too. Not only am I blind to the outside world, but I am also blind to my feelings,both to you and the rest of the crew. I know I have pushed Hera away from the way we used to feel about each other and I don't want that to happen to us. I know I am letting my anger and fear get the better of me but I fear loosing you and the others like I lost my master" he said.
"As long as I am able, I will fight for you too. Sorry I forgot that you are fighting the dark too Kanan"I replied.
Just then I felt something go from me into Kanan and felt him relax for the first time in a while, then he returned it. "My eyes" I heard Kanan whisper and then I knew some how I started Kanan's eyes healing, how long it would take I don't know but by healing me, it had released something in both of us. How strong it was I wasn't sure but as our trust rebuilt maybe it would become strong enough to heal us all the way, only time would tell and at the moment we both had that time.