New York: 2020
It's been such a long day. By long, you mean the longest. The studio was in
chaos all day due to the showcase you're going to be hosting in a few days which
makes the end of today so rewarding. Slowly, you make the climb up the steps to
your fifth floor apartment. The walk really is exhausting but hey, gotta stay
in shape.
As you reach your destination you drag the keys out of your sweatpants pocket
and fling the door open. You drop your large bag to the floor with a thud and
make an even bigger thud with your body as you flop down on the couch. It sucks
you into its cushions and you welcome the feeling. You hear the shower running
from the bathroom and take comfort in not being alone right now. Aside from the
chaos of work, you've felt something off all day. All week actually. It started
as a little twinge in your chest, getting a little stronger every time you sat
down and let yourself feel it. It's fear, you think. You just have this feeling
in your gut and you can't shake it.
Footsteps from behind you bring you out of your thoughts. "Hey babe," you hear.
A soft kiss on your head quickly follows.
"Hey," you say in return, appreciating the affection but for some reason it
seems to be making you feel worse.
"Rough day?"
"The roughest."
"You uh...you got a letter. In the mail."
"Oh?" You perk up at this because you've always enjoyed getting mail except for
junk mail and especially bills. You make your way over to the kitchen counter
and see the letter lying there. Plain white envelope, plain old stamp, and no
return address which makes your already there frown deepen. The handwriting on the front is
unknown to you and you feel the ache in your chest grow but you can't really
tell why. Slowly, you slide your finger under the flap, opening the envelope.
Inside is a two folded pieces of paper and a small leather bag, about the size
of a pack of gum. As you unfold the letter you swear the blood drains from your
body. Your heart does a flip and just about falls out of your chest. You know
this handwriting. You'll never forget it. Tears begin welling in your eyes from seven years of emotions
that have been sitting dormant inside you, but you won't cry. Not yet, so you start reading.
I'm not very good at this. I never have been really, but you know that. I'm so
sorry for this and I'm sure you know already but if not I'm even more sorry. I
disappeared right? Off the map. Gone. And I'm sorry again for that. After high school nothing seemed right. College didn't seem right.
We didn't seem right. And I'm sorry for that too. I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry I couldn't always be as sure as you.
It took me tons and tons of thinking but I joined the military. I know, it seems so crazy. I can't believe it either really.
But I was so lost...you know?
The military is stable. It's good for me. Or it was...until now. The one thing I feared is happening.
I'm being deployed...and I'm so fucking scared.
I've never been this scared in my life and I'm sorry for telling
you that. I'm sorry I wish you were here right now and I'm sorry I'm probably
ruining your happiness. I'm so glad you're happy. Really, I am. I've only ever
wanted you to be happy. You know that right? But still, I'm sorry it's not with me.
I'm sorry we didn't geteverything we wanted. And I'm sorry this letter is so long but I have so much to
say even though there is no possible way to express everything on paper.
If you're reading this...I won't be coming home.
I've served my country and I've done my job. Be proud of me.
Easier said than done, but celebrate my life, not mourn it.
Dance for me. Sing for me.
I'm sorry I say it like it's so simple and I'm sorry if your world is crashing down around you at
those words and I'm happy if it's not.
I hate when you hurt, especially because of me and this is no exception. I'm sorry I can't make your pain go away. I'm sorry I haven't for the past seven years. I'm so sorry I can't come back to you.
Even though you aren't mine anymore, I'll always be yours. I'm sorry I never
gave you what's in that black bag. And I'm sorry for apologizing so much. But
mostly, I'm sorry I still love you. It's not fair, I know. But I do. I love you so much it hurts and I'll never stop. I've always loved you. You know that? And I'm sorry I was so stupid. I know we never really use that word but I was. I was
stupid not to fight...not to win you.
I was stupid to give up. And I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry I left and I'm sorry I'll never get the chance to tell you. My biggest
fear isn't dying in this war. It's not blowing up in battle.
It's leaving you.
And I'm sorry again. But I love you and I never want you to forget it.
Please...I know it's selfish of me to ask but please. Don't forget me. And remember you're
beautiful if you don't hear it enough. Everything. Your hair. You eyes. Your
skin. You hands, your whole body. Your mind. It's beautiful. I'm sorry I didn't tell you every day.
God, I love you.
I'm sick from writing this. And I'm sorry if it's an asshole move. No one
deserves a letter like this. But I love you. I wish I could see you. Now, later,
when you're old and wrinkly. When we would have been old and wrinkly together.
Still, I know you'll age beautifully. There's nothing you don't do beautifully.
I wish I could have seen our wedding. Or our kids. Or our first house. Or our
highschool reunion. I have a lot of wishes actually. I wish I could see you one
more time. I wish I could have taken you to that pizza place in New York, the
one we saw during Nationals. I wish I could have gotten you back. I wish we had
time to do all the things we wanted to. And I'm sorry we can't. I can't tell you
enough. I'm sorry and I love you. I'm sorry if you're crying right now. I'm
sorry if you hate me for this. But I love you still. There's no real way to end
this, but know I'm thankful for having you in my life. You're the best thing
that ever happened to me and I know now what they mean when they say don't die
with regrets. So don't. Do everything you want to and it sounds cliché, but live
your life to the fullest. Remember, I love you.
I'll love you til the end of
time and then-some, Santana Lopez.
Forever.
Love Always,
Brittany S. Pierce.
The words stop abruptly, or at least in your mind. Tears freely falling down
your cheeks blurring your vision and she was right. Your whole world is crashing
down around you. You follow a tear to the counter where you notice the little
black bag sitting there.. You slowly open the bag and a bright diamond glistens
from inside. You pull out a diamond ring. It's simple, and silver and beautiful
and it shines in the light from your window. You feel eyes on your back as you
begin to sob but you don't care. Inside the ring is an engraving.
Always in my heart, your Britt-Britt.
You slide it onto your finger and that twinge in your chest turns to a pain
you've never felt before and your chest racks with sobs so uncontrollable you
shake. You feel hands, that now feel so intruding, on your hips and the unwanted
touch sends you to the ground. You clutch the letter to your chest.
You're sorry she never asked you.
You're sorry she'll never get to hear you say yes.
You're sorry you love her so much your heart is bursting.
You're sorry she'll never know.