Author: herebutnotremembered
Summary: He hasn't driven the Impala since the crash, and even now he doesn't want to.
Disclaimer: Boys? Not mine.
He watches as Dean walks around to the passenger side, stopping with his hand on the handle to look at him. Sam shakes his head with a hint of sadness in his features. Dean lets go of the handle and sighs audibly, "dude come on," he says exasperatedly. Sam looks down to the ground with slumped shoulders. Dean's own shoulders slump with Sam's as he takes in his brother's demeanor. He nods then, and walks around to the driver's side. Sam looks up, startled then gives Dean a small thankful smile as he gets in on the passenger's side.
The road stretches out the way it always has, before them. It used to make Sam feel special, especially when they were the only ones on the road. It made him feel as if they were headed to some uncharted destination, just the two of them. As he looked ahead of him now, all he felt was that same cold sensation, that suspicious feeling that something was coming at the car from the side. He looked out his window in one quick motion, unknowingly alerting Dean to his distress.
"Sam you alright?" he asked glancing over idly at his little brother before returning his eyes to the road. Sam relaxed beside him and nodded, "yeah, fine."
He knew he was being ridiculous, but it still hadn't left him. He wondered if it ever would. If he would ever be able to drive the Impala again without worrying that a semi truck might crash into them from the side. He wondered when the sounds of crunching metal, and smashing glass would leave him. He wondered when the jarring sensation would be a thing of the past.
He could still feel it, all of it. Could still remember the crash as if it had happened yesterday. He could hear the shattering and feel the impact and it just wouldn't go away. He looked over at Dean absently and wondered what his brother remembered from the experience. Dean was pretty out of it, or at least he looked that way when Sam had checked on him in the rear view mirror. He remembered the way Dean had looked at him then. That far off expression of trust and love and everything Sam had ever felt for his brother. It all reflected itself in that look. A reflection within a reflection.
The tires crunched across the gravel as they pulled onto a dirt road on their way out of the small town they had rid of a skin walker. Sam drew in a breath and looked at Dean again. He knew his brother understood, or at least had the decency to avoid questioning him. He appreciated both.
It was horrible really, when he thought about it. Their father had died not two days after the accident and that stupid car crash was all that still had Sam rattled. He hated himself for not being more tainted by finding his dad's body on that hospital room floor. He hated that this was what haunted him, that he couldn't even be haunted by the memory of his father's final words. He looked out the window, going back to that night for the millionth time.
Hospital, gotta get to the hospital, gotta help Dean…and dad. I shot dad. I should drive faster. "I'm surprised at you Sam," oh really? Nice dad. It's so good to know that the simple act of NOT shooting you is what surprises you. You think a lot of me don't you? Come on baby, just get us there. Dear god I'm talking to a car. Foot on the gas, press down, just keep going. Hand on the wheel, dad stop talking to me! I have to drive! "We found the demon once, we can do it a-" crash, shatter, bang. No time to think, no room to move, just impact. Head hits the steering wheel, blood appears, then nothing. Darkness. Darkness and yet, you can still hear that crashing sound.
"Sam!"
Dean's suddenly yelling and Sam jerks in his seat. Back to reality, only reality is so much brighter than he remembers.
"You with me?" he asks, and Sam finds himself nodding. "Yeah, just…dreaming," he replies lamely, and hopes Dean doesn't question him on it. "Dreaming huh? With your eyes open?" he asks and Sam closes his eyes in annoyance. Curse Dean for caring so damn much. "Yeah, you ever hear of daydreaming?" Sam asks, recovering quickly despite the shakiness that had taken over his body.
"Fine, listen, since you…" Dean seemed to pick his next words very carefully.
Since you won't drive…
"since you are obviously tired, and I'm beat, I'm thinking next town, we turn in." It was already decided but Sam nodded his consent anyway. Dean was right, they'd been driving for a while now, and they'd been up all last night hunting down that damn thing, and Sam wouldn't…well, he just wouldn't.
He remembers a time about a year ago when Dean had first asked him if he wanted to drive. He'd felt honored and special when his brother had finally asked him that, and even though it was out of pity because of those damn nightmares, it gave Sam a warm somewhat fuzzy feeling. Now Dean asked him that all the time, or at least he used to. Back when he expected a different answer.
Now Sam always said no.
They pulled into the first motel they saw, which happened to be called the black bird motel. Dean was out of the car before Sam could even volunteer, heading towards the registration office. A few minutes wait and Sam was beginning to wonder. Through the window of the building Sam could tell Dean was flirting with the manager, a dark haired beauty with a smile the size of Texas.
He shifted in his seat for a minute knowing that Dean would be at least ten minutes in there. He hated that he did this to him, but he really couldn't suppress the unyielding fear of getting back behind the wheel. He glanced back over at Dean and the woman before making up his mind. He quickly slid over to the driver's side and laid his hands gently on the wheel. It felt familiar, and sinister all at the same time.
The wheel was solid in his shaking hands and the view out the front window only lent to the feeling of familiarity. He sniffled thinking, this isn't so bad really. He tried desperately to push the memory of the impact and grinding metal away from his mind, but those images and feelings had a firm hold on him.
He sat there, shaking unbeknowest to himself, listening to the sounds outside the car. Honking horns and tires rolling on pavement. It seemed so safe.
Sam knew better.
He swallowed and checked on Dean again, his brother was still busy chatting up the girl, unaware of his brother's actions. That was it, Sam made up his mind quickly and turned the engine on. The rumble nearly made him turn it back off, but he steeled himself and put the car into drive. He wondered when Dean would hear it.
Before he knew it he was backing out of the parking lot and driving away from the motel. He had no idea where he thought he was going, he just had to go. The car obeyed his every move, moving with him as he directed it down different streets, past multiple buildings and pedestrians. It rumbled like a Harley Davidson and ran like a dream. Just as Sam remembered.
His hands shook on the wheel as he got out into the open, where there were less streets and more long roads. The feeling that something might crash into him from the side was creeping back to him. His blood ran cold for a few seconds as he recalled it again, unwillingly.
We found the demon once, we can do it a-The breaks slammed as Sam's foot came down sharply. A car went zooming by in front of him, its horn honking in anger. He felt tremors run through him and silently laid his head against the steering wheel. He tried to focus on breathing deeply, but the memory of shattering glass made his heart pound.
It was still too much.
Feeling profoundly stupid, he turned around and headed back to the motel. Back to Dean….oh shit.
He couldn't imagine his brother's reaction when he came out to find both Sam and the Impala gone, but he knew it couldn't be a good one. He dreaded going back and being yelled at. After all what had he hoped to accomplish? Did he really think that he would get over it just like that? A quick drive around town and suddenly he'd be all better? What had he been thinking?
The motel came into sight and Sam steeled himself against that small feeling he always got when Dean yelled at him. He saw him, just standing there, with a face of stone. He swallowed as he cut the engine and opened the door. He wouldn't be yelled at for this, and if he was, he wouldn't just listen to it.
Dean looked at him expectantly for a minute that felt like an hour and Sam suddenly couldn't take it anymore. "I know, I'm sorry. But look," Sam said gesturing to the car, "your baby is fine."
He made to walk past Dean, not knowing where he was going, but Dean's words stopped him in his tracks. "You sure?" Dean asked with a rough voice. If Sam had to guess, he'd bet that Dean had yelled his name a few times when he discovered him gone. He looked at the Impala, and it still shone in the late afternoon. Not a scratch. "Yeah, I'm sure," he replied with a hard voice, ready for the onslaught.
"I'm not talking about the car Sam."
Well that was not what he expected. He looked hard at Dean with an unreadable expression. Dean's face held nothing but concern, and it wasn't for the Impala. A rush of emotion engulfed Sam as he looked at Dean. He looked back at the car again before returning his gaze to his brother.
Your baby is fine.
"Yeah, I'm fine." It was the truth too, and that startled Sam more than Dean's sudden movement towards him. His brother put a strong hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. He looked back at the car, then at Sam and nodded. Whatever he saw in Sam's face seemed to satisfy him as he gave him another squeeze before letting go and moving to the trunk.
Sam watched his brother's movements for a few seconds before moving to help. When he shuts the trunk and walks with Dean to the room, a new feeling washes over him. Safety, and protection. He stopped for a second to look back at the car.
It shines in the sun, black paint that should be sinister is somehow comforting. Suddenly the crash seems a little farther away in Sam's mind and he thinks just for a second…
I'll be behind the wheel again….someday.
Well, that was certainly fun to write, so I hope y'all enjoyed it as much as I did. I just thought it was funny that we haven't seen Sammy drive the Impala since the crash, and so I thought I' take a crack at explaining it. Hope y'all liked it and please review, I love to hear from you. Thanx!