All I Wanted
(Can you see me now?)
. . .
I say hello and you return with a brush past my shoulders, unseeing, unnoticing. Your hair catches the sunlight just right and it seems to radiate in a bright halo.
Sapphire meets Amethyst for a brief moment.
My breath hitches.
My heart stops.
You walk on, laughing with your friends.
You don't know it, you don't see it, you don't feel it, but each time, my heart breaks a little bit more.
. . .
"Hello."
The hallway is empty. I think I'm the only one left in the lockers, but I don't care. The teachers never notice.
I stare into the mirror hanging on the inside of my locker door. Amethyst stares evenly back at me. I grit my teeth and mutter again, "Hello."
And someone answers, "Hello."
I startle violently, my hand flying to cover the gasp that leaves my mouth, slamming my locker shut in the process. Your hand fists the collar of my shirt; I'm slammed against my locker.
Trembling, eyes watering, my hand slides limply down to hold my chest. I open my mouth and try to speak, but Sapphire renders me speechless.
"Matthew, right?" Your lips pull back into a feral smile. Mirroring my action, you place your hand over mine. I wonder if you can feel the thundering, hammering, drumming of my heart. "You're kind of cute."
My throat goes dry. "Alfred," dribbles weakly out of my mouth.
Those Sapphire orbs have never look more frightening.
"Whimpering my name already?" you drawl. Your other hand trails downward, resting casually on my waist. "Didn't know you had it that bad for me, babe."
You lean in and I catch you halfway and I'm drunk and falling, falling, falling into the warmth of your kiss.
. . .
The night is a blur.
I remember half-lidded Sapphires, fingers entwined, lips pressed together, and a single breathy "I love you."
. . .
"Hello," I greet, and you return with a brush past my shoulders, ignoring, not acknowledging. I stare after your back, retreating down the hall. One of your friends look back and for a brief second, Amethyst meets Emerald.
I pivot sharply on my heels and walk away.
Tears are already slipping down my cheeks.
. . .
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
. . .
"Alfred."
You don't reply and walk away with the crowd of retreating students.
Two times and counting.
My books clutter to the floor but I don't care(I don't care) and my nails are digging harder into my palms until I feel blood. A hand touches my shoulder and I jerk away; everything feels like it's burning.
Is it too much to hope that you've come back?
Amethyst flutters open and stare into Emerald, a stark difference against Sapphire. His eyebrows are set and his nose is sharp and his lips are a straight line, but the corners of his mouth are threatening to tug up in a smile. Forced? Amused? He's gathered my books in his arms and holding them out. "These are yours," he says shortly.
I take them.
I try to pretend that my heart doesn't speed up when our hands brush.
"Thank you," I mumble. Then I turn and begin to walk away, because what else could someone like him want from someone like me?
"I don't know what you see in him," he calls after me.
. . .
You hold me, hands hot against my bare arms, and nuzzle your face into my hair. It's your house this time. Everytime I breathe, I breathe you. Fingers thread lazily through my hair and we bask in the afterglow.
Or maybe it's just you.
I'm too busy wallowing.
A blanket of silence covers us and I'm content with falling asleep there in your arms - and with luck, still be there by morning. But I know that I never get what I want.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" you say.
I stand and redress and grab my backpack from the floor. I leave your room and house with slams of doors, ignoring the call of, "Matthew?" that echoes behind me.
. . .
He tells me I'm beautiful.
. . .
The next morning, you're the one that approaches me for once. "You left before I could give this to you," you say, and something cool slides around my neck. I move my locker door slightly so I can look in the mirror.
The necklace is silver and catches the sunlight with a glimmer. The words engraved on the silver pendant are backwards, but I can still read it.
And then:
"I'm not Madeline."
I tear off the necklace and throw it back at you. My hand slams my locker shut and my other one shoves you in the chest. You seem taken by surprise because you actually stumble back and stare down with wide eyes at the necklace in your hands.
"Leave me alone," I hiss, and I try to sound strong but my voice cracks because don't you get it? I love you-
-so much-
but it hurts and damn it don't you see don't you see why don't you see
I walk away and you don't call after me.
I try to ignore the shattering sound of my heart and tell myself I'll pick up the pieces later.
. . .
The blade looks awfully tempting.
I cave in.
. . .
"It was a mistake." You sound almost begging. The hallway is empty save for us two; funny how you only seem to approach me when we're alone. Are you ashamed of me?
My brain tells me you're not worth it and my heart tells me that you really mean it this time. I don't know which one to listen to so I bite my lip hard and refuse to give you the satisfaction of getting an answer. I close my locker.
"Matthew?"
The voice that sounds isn't yours; it's his, and when I close my locker, I gaze into Emerald eyes. I can't help but smile. "H-Hi, Arthur."
You're glaring at him, and I feel something like joy bubbling in me. How does that feel? Well?
He meets your gaze evenly before taking hold of my wrist and tugging me gently away. "You're going to be late for class." His tone is slightly berating, but I hear a concerned undertone.
Sapphire orbs glint dangerously.
"You take one step forward and you're nothing to me," you dare say.
That makes me falter. But then he rubs my hand soothingly with a thumb and I remember, "You're beautiful."
I glance back with a half smile pulling at my lips. "I was never anything to you."
. . .
"I'm proud of you," he tells me. "He doesn't deserve someone as brilliant as you."
I stare blankly out the window of his car and say nothing.
. . .
There are four scars on both my wrists within a week.
. . .
Gossip spreads like wildfire. When Arthur enters with me through the doors of the school, I hear the hushed whispers and feel the stares. I've always wanted to be noticed, to be seen - but not like this.
He squeezes my hand comfortingly and half-drag me to my locker. I keep my eyes cast downward.
"Did you hear? He rejected Alfred for that nerd."
"I heard Alfred got him a necklace and he tore it to pieces then stomped away. What an asshole."
I'd be a saint compared to your so-called Alfred, I think bitterly.
. . .
I don't know how, but somehow, somehow you find me in the boys' bathroom after school. Your eyes are wild and your grin is feral and your fists clench and unclench.
I turn the sink off and reach over to rip off a paper towel, but suddenly you're behind me and pinning me against the low sink. "Mattie," you whisper into my ear, and it sends shivers down my spine.
"Stop it," I mumble. My voice is weak. I inwardly curse myself.
"But isn't this what you want?" you coo, and then your hand slides down my sides and to the waistband of my pants and you're working the buttons and they slide down and then I'm bare and exposed and then you're violating me in the worst way possible and afterwards I feel so cold
so empty
so used.
. . .
"Cor blimey, Matthew." Emerald eyes are clouded with worry and anger and panic at the same time. He picks me up from my pathetic position on the floor. My half-done pants threaten to slide down and he growls. "That bleeding pig-" With one hand, he reaches in his pocket for a cell phone, but I stop him.
"Don't," I rasp. I dig my nails into the sleeve of his shirt because oh, God, it hurts so much...
"He raped you!" he almost yells.
My brain is flooded with memories of the previous few hours and it's too much. I screw my eyes shut and sob openly into his shirt, quickly dampening the fabric with my tears. He strokes my hair, but his muscles are tense, as if he's arguing with himself silently.
I babble mindlessly through my crying. Jumbled, incoherent words, mostly, because everything feels like it's been swept out from under me and after all I've gone through, I still got hurt, I'm still broken, I'm still alone in this damned world.
My head lolls back weakly and I stare up at the ceiling. It's so bright.
I close my eyes and let out a shuddering breath.
"I just wanted him to love me."
A/N: Forgive the insanity that comes from my brain.