"Commander?"

I look up in surprise; didn't think anyone knew about my current little hideout on the Citadel. Then again, Cortez probably just checked my omni-tool loc. He's a good guy. Really smart. Taking the loss of his husband pretty hard, but…well, I can understand. Wasn't particularly long ago when I thought that Kaidan was dying. It's a shitty feeling. I toss on a quick smile and pat the walkway next to me. "Sit down, Steve. And please…call me Shepard."

A bright white smile quickly flashes before the pilot sits down, stocky legs dangling over the edge. No one is technically supposed to be up here, but I'm a Spectre. I can go anywhere I want, including the top of this maintenance shaft. It's not a place one would particularly think to head, unless they want to be very alone.

Although Cortez isn't so bad if I have to have company. He's pretty quiet, but when he does talk it tends to be something worth listening to. I take a deep breath, eyes slowly drifting across the fake gardens below. Minutes pass, the faint sound of trickling water beneath us. It's pretty serene. I should take Kaidan here when he recovers.

"Sure you don't mind me being up here with you?" His voice cuts through my thoughts. Shit, almost forgot he was up here in the first place.

I look over and shrug. "Not really." I pause. "…Got something on your mind?"

It's usually kind of funny to watch someone struggle with how to respond to something, but not Cortez, though. He just quietly sits there, thinking to himself. No mouth opening and closing, no half-started sentences, not even a simple sigh. I miss Kaidan; he typically bites the inside of his cheek.

Instead the quiet man next to me just nods after a few moments. "Yeah, actually. Do you mind if we talk, strictly off the record?"

Well, it's one of those talks. Wonder what this could be about. I sit straight, legs curling up to cross as I face him. "Sure. I always make time for my officers." I fight back a small smirk at using that exact phrase. It's one I would say to Kaidan all the time when he asked if we could talk. It's true, though: I do make time for my crew. Always will. An open door policy is the only way to go.

"Thanks. I've been thinking about what you said earlier, about the future and moving on." He clears his throat and gives me a quick glance. "Do you love him?"

My eyes go wide. Goddammit. He figured it out? Shit, who else on the crew knows? How did he…

Steve bites his lip and looks down to his lap. "I couldn't tell before, but after you told me that Robert wouldn't want me dwelling on him; I don't know. There was something about the tone of your voice, like you were speaking from experience. And then the way you acted after Mars, the bags under your eyes…things just seemed to click. I'm sorry, Commander. Even if I am right, it's rude of me to ask."

He starts to get up, embarrassed and clearly upset with himself. I haven't known him long, but Steve is a trustworthy kind of guy. Definitely not the kind to blab around. Either way, it'll actually feel really nice to finally admit it to someone. My hand reaches out to catch his sleeve, stopping him from standing.

"Yeah." Our eyes meet for a split second before I can't stand his stare any longer and I look down to the grate holding us up. "He's my reason for…" For fighting, for breathing, for not giving up? Everything I can think up sounds stupid. I finally give up and lamely end with a quiet, "…for everything." Embarrassment is rarely a feeling I have, but now it's coursing through my veins. Guess it doesn't feel so nice to admit it.

He sits back down and quietly nods. I can only assume he's politely waiting for me to explain. Or something. I don't even know why he brought it up in the first place. My throat clears before attempting to lighten the mood a bit. "Thought I was pretty good at hiding it; joke's on me, I suppose."

"No, you're pretty good at keeping up the façade. To tell the truth, I was only guessing. Call it a hunch."

I give him a weak smirk. "Well, you've got one hell of a good instinct, then." He shoots me a quick smile before sobering back up. Whatever it is he's trying to link this to is serious to him. "Why do you want to know?"

"If this is too personal a question, I'll understand. But…Shepard, what are you going to do if he's moved on?"

The thought of Kaidan moving on is a hard one. I couldn't get mad at him for moving on, I mean, it had been two years, but still… If Steve had asked me this two weeks ago, before Kaidan and I had gotten a chance to talk, it probably would have devastated me. Hell, even imagining it now is threatening to drag me down.

The words tumble from my lips before I can stop them. I tell myself it's just to tell him of the error of his question, but I know the truth: it's just to say it out loud. Make it even more real. Ridiculous a notion though it may be, sometimes actually saying words aloud gives them weight. "He hasn't moved on."

Kaidan hasn't moved on. I fight the stupid grin threatening to appear down to a single twitch of my mouth's right corner. His voice echoes deep in my memory, tiny goosebumps rippling along my neck. Maybe you should just know that I'm not seeing anyone, and that I still care.

Steve shifts and faces me fully now, piercing blue eyes darker in the dim light up here. "I'm glad to hear that. It must be a relief to know he held on to hope."

Oh. That's what this is about. I sigh and reach to thunk him on the shoulder once. "I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't what I wanted, but if he had found someone, I would've been okay with it."

"You would have? No offense, Shepard, but you aren't the kind of woman to take rejection very well."

I can't help but chuckle; he's right about that. It would've probably ended with another near-hull breach on the Normandy or something equally drastic. But deep down, I know I love Kaidan so much that I would want him to be happy no matter what. When I think back on Horizon, I'm usually overwhelmed with just how much that conversation hurt me, but now that Cortez is asking me about moving on, it really hits me for the first time.

I was dead. Gone. Kaidan was in Cortez's shoes, absolutely unable to do a thing. I mean, who actually comes back from the dead? Romantic and flattering though it was that Kaidan hadn't been able to move on, he spent over two years mourning me. If Joker's stories were any indicator, he wasn't even really living. Just…floating from assignment to assignment. For two whole years. The man I love is passionate, if understated, and deeply thoughtful. Appreciative of the galaxy and all its wonders. He spent two years walking in a haze, not living. Not daydreaming while staring out a viewport or watching the odd-shaped clouds float by on an alien planet. My shoulders slump as guilt weighs me down.

"You might be right about that, Steve, but…as much as I love him, as happy I am that we might still have a chance, I…" My throat closes; this is harder than I thought. "The one thing I want more than anything is for him to be happy. And I really do mean that. I was gone for two years…it'd be selfish of me to wish he hadn't found some sort of happiness after I died."

My shuttle pilot nods quietly, processing what I just said. To be honest, I'm a little surprised at how honest I'm being with him. Then again, he trusted me enough to talk to me about his husband's death. The crack in his voice when he begins to speak breaks my heart a little; all I can hear is the crack in Kaidan's voice on Horizon.

"So…" He pauses to give a deep cough, I assume to clear his throat. "You really believe that?"

I quietly nod. "Yeah. I really do. I don't know why I was given a second chance, but I do know from extremely personal experience that life is short. You need to make what you can of it, while you can. It's a shitty cliché, but I think I have the unique right to say it."

He nods, eyes shifting to look out over the Presidium. The soft smile on his lips doesn't quite reach to his eyes, but I can tell he's going to be alright. "It really is beautiful here, you know."

"Yeah, it is." I pause, reaching to gently rest a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay to mourn, but don't let it consume your life. Robert clearly loved you a lot, and he'd want you to keep living. It doesn't mean you have to hop immediately into a relationship or anything, but just try to take an hour each day for yourself. Relax, read a book. Do something that makes you happy. Do it for me, okay?"

Steve's lips quirk into a more genuine smile at my request. "How can I say no when you ask like that?"

"You can't. I'm your commanding officer." I grin.