Finn laughed as he and Jake flew through the freezing air. The Ice Kingdom was great for sledding! All the slopes and mysterious lumps under the snow made for a really interesting course.
They crashed back to the ground, so hard that they left a crater in the snow.
"Hey!"
Finn picked himself up, his mood souring. He recognised that grating voice. "Oh great. Ice King's here." He brushed some snow off his sweater. It was beginning to soak into his skin. Maybe he should have worn something thicker, but then he would have been too hot.
Sometimes he missed his mom. She would have known exactly what kind of sweater to wear.
"Oh, it's you two." The Ice King appeared at the rim of the crater. "What are you doing all the way out here?"
"We're just trying to beat the heat," said Jake casually. Too casually, in Finn's opinion.
"Yeah!" said Finn loudly, to show he wasn't scared of some stupid ice wizard. "There's a big sleepy lava man in our front yard, and he is so hot!" What was the point of living next to the Ice Kingdom if you couldn't go there to cool off once in a while?
Jake nudged him. "Mm-hm."
"Wait, wait, no. I take it back. I mean, not like sexy hot." Finn didn't think anyone was sexy hot. Romance and kissing were gross. And kissing a lava man would probably hurt. A lot.
"No, no-" Jake began.
"Why don't you come in and have a hot beverage of some sort?" the Ice King interrupted. "You guys are covered in snow, you must be cold." He waved his hand, and the snow on them dissipated.
"Okay, sure!" said Jake, before Finn could say anything. "That sounds pretty good!" He began to walk out of the crater.
Finn pulled him back. "Jake! What are you doing? The Ice King is super weird and creepy!" He hadn't even asked them if they wanted to be magicked dry. Also, he was old.
"Nah, he seems like a nice guy," said Jake. "Just be cool! Like him." He laughed. "Heh. Cool."
Finn punched his palm. "The Ice King is a bad guy, and I'm going to prove it to you."
"Uh," said the Ice King. He tapped Finn on the shoulder. "I'm right here. I can hear you, you know."
"Finn!" said Jake. "You apologise to the Ice King and accept his offer of a hot beverage right now."
Finn glared. "Fine. I'm sorry I said you were bad, weird, and creepy, and I accept your offer." He wasn't actually sorry. He just didn't want Jake to get all sulky. It wasn't worth it.
"I accept your apology," said the Ice King gravely. He clapped his hands. "Now who wants some hot cocoa or whatever?"
"I do!" said Jake. He nudged Finn.
"Me too. I guess," said Finn out of the side of his mouth. He folded his arms and gave the ground a dirty look.
"Great!" said the Ice King.
.
The Ice King took them to his stupid-looking castle. It looked like a mountain with a face. Why did it look like a face? Stupid.
"Oh, I've got some other company over at the moment," said the Ice King.
Finn rubbed his chin. "Company, huh?" Company... Or hostages?
So far all he had for proof of the Ice King's secret evil was a gut feeling, and even though gut feelings were always right, nobody would believe him without proof. He knew how heroing worked.
"I'm back!" said the Ice King as they entered the castle. "And I brought Finn and Jake!"
To Finn's surprise, the large table inside was covered in snacks, and occupied by a bunch of princesses. "Ghost Princess... Hotdog princess... Wildberry princess?"
"Hey, Finn and Jake!" said the princesses, mostly in unison.
"It's Finn," whispered Raggedy Princess. "Do you think he knows I want to date him?"
"He's okay, I guess," replied Lumpy Space Princess. "For a human boy."
Finn blushed and tried to pretend he hadn't heard. He didn't know what all the princesses saw in him. Although he kind of wished Princess Bubblegum would kiss him again... On the cheek. But she wasn't there. So it didn't matter.
"Hey guys," said Jake, sitting down at the table. He stretched his arm out and grabbed a few handfuls of chips.
"What the dip, Ice King?" said Finn. "What's up with all the princesses? Did you kidnap them?" He kidnapped them, didn't he? Why else would they be out here with a shady character like the Ice King?
"Of course he didn't, Finn!" said Slime Princess. "He's just holding a meet and greet."
"He's a nice guy!" agreed Wildberry Princess.
"Oh..." Finn sat down carefully, still watching the Ice King. "A meet and greet, huh?" The sugar coated brownies looked good, but knowing the Ice King, they were probably filled with something nasty.
Jake slapped him. "Quit being rude, Finn!"
"I'll go make you some cocoa, shall I?" said the Ice King, shuffling out of the room.
Finn leaned forwards and lowered his voice. "Quick, while he's gone. Why are you really here? I promise I'll do whatever it takes to free you."
"Uh..." said Wildberry Princess. "Maybe he did kidnap us, then made us forget with his wizard powers!"
"Ooh..." said Raggedy Princess. She nervously lowered her face into an orange slice.
Slime Princess put a hand or whatever on Finn's shoulder. "Finn. You're cute and all, but the Ice King is exactly what he looks like. He's a very sophisticated older gentleman, and I enjoy his company."
"The other day he rescued some of my hot dog knights from the Impassable Trench of Razors," agreed Hot Dog Princess. She looked around nervously. "Actually... it was just a grassy ditch."
That Finn could believe. Hot dog knights weren't very smart.
Lumpy Space Princess floated over to Finn. "I'm just here because my lumping parents made me go and socialise with the other princesses or whatever. The Ice King's old and boring and I wanna go home."
Finn opened his mouth to reassure her, then heard footsteps from the other room.
"I'm back!" announced the Ice King, entering the room with a couple of ceramic mugs. He placed them in front of Finn and Jake. "Hot cocoa!"
Jake started drinking straight away. "Hey, this is pretty good! Thanks, Ice King!"
Finn eyed the drink suspiciously. "What's in this?" He poked the mug. It seemed hot, but maybe his fingers were just cold. It smelled chocolately, but chocolate could mask a lot of flooped up stuff, probably.
The Ice King sat down and grabbed a cracker, which he dipped in some gross looking orange stuff. "Oh, you know. Cocoa. Sugar. Milk. Water. Regular hot cocoa stuff."
Finn held his hands over the steam rising from the mug. It was definitely hot, he decided, and that meant... "How did you get it so hot when your castle is made of ice?" There was something suspicious going on.
"Uh... with a stove?" said the Ice King. "Look Finn, I can show you my kitchen if it'll make you feel better." He indicated the princesses. "Everyone here is here of their own free will!"
"Yeah, except me," muttered Lumpy Space Princess.
"Huh?" said the Ice King, in a pretty decent impression of surprise. "W- You don't have to stay if you don't want to, you know."
"Yeah right," said Lumpy Space Princess. "My parents are gonna call you, and when they find out I left early they'll ground me from sneaking out in the middle of the night for like, an entire month."
"Okay..." said the Ice King. "Everyone but Lumpy Space Princess is here of their own free will."
Lumpy Space Princess stuffed some pretzels into her mouth and said "Parents lumping suck. Can't you just tell them I, like, stayed the whole time?"
The Ice King shook his head. "I'm sorry, LSP, but if your parents want you to stay, I can't lie to them about it."
Lumpy Space Princess folded her arms. "Ice King, you're such a wet blanket."
"Jake!" whispered Finn, as they continued to talk. "I'm gonna go check out the castle and find proof that the Ice King is a villain. Cover for me, okay?"
"Okay," said Jake reluctantly. "But I'm telling you, he's a good guy."
"Oh, we'll see about that," Finn whispered. He punched his fist. "You'll all see." He raised his voice. "Ice King, can I use your bathroom?"
"You better let him go, man," Jake interjected. "If Finn doesn't get to the bathroom on time..." He lowered his voice. "Things get crazy ugly."
"Jake!" Finn hissed. He was making him look gross in front of all the princesses. Heroes were not supposed to look gross in front of princesses. He was sure it was inscribed somewhere in the Enchiridion, in one of the many pages he hadn't got around to reading.
The Ice King gestured towards the door leading to the rest of the castle. "Through there and it's the first door on your left."
Finn jumped up. "Thanks, Ice King!" The more polite he was, the longer it would take for the Ice King to get suspicious. This was some advanced heroical maneuvering.
The door led to a short hallway above a long flight of stairs. Finn checked the first door on the left just in case the Ice King was trying to trick him, but it did seem to lead to a bathroom. There was a toilet, a shower, a towel rack, and a sink. Sitting on the sink was what looked like a razor, which was weird. Finn doubted that the Ice King had shaved a day in his life.
Not that that was a bad thing. Beards were awesome, and Finn couldn't wait until he was old enough to grow a big one, but shaving was okay too, if you were into not having facial hair for some weird reason. What was not fine was never shaving ever and then leaving a razor on your bathroom sink to make it look like you did.
What was wrong with the Ice King?
Finn carefully made his way down the stairs. It wasn't as slippery as he thought it'd be, but he still needed to practice walking on ice if he was ever going to win a battle around here.
He didn't want to get into a battle yet, though. This mission was strictly reconnaissance. He'd show Jake. And then the two of them could end the the Ice King's reign of terror.
Those poor princesses. They were too frightened to speak their minds, even Emerald Princess.
The lowest floor was a confusing labyrinth of snaking tunnels. Finn looked back to get his bearings, and picked a direction at random. He hadn't got far when there was a rumbling noise, and he squeezed into a freezing alcove.
Some sort of weird spiky ice bull passed him. Finn could see its guts right through the ice. It looked strong, but he resisted the urge to jump out and attack it. Reconnaissance. He was reconnaissance...ing.
The ice bull passed by, and Finn carefully slipped behind it. It looked like some kind of patrol, but what exactly was it patrolling? Probably the main evil treasure place, or whatever the Ice King had. The bull didn't seem to have seen him, and if he followed the patrol for long enough, he was sure to find something valuable and incriminating. That was how guards worked. There had to be something for them to guard.
He followed the bull through the tunnels for just long enough to think about giving up, then spotted an arched door guarded by two snowmen.
Treasure.
Finn stopped just short of their line of sight, and tried to figure out if there was a way to get in without being seen.
Maybe he'd have to abandon the stealth approach for now. But Jake would be so disappointed if Finn fought all the monsters without him. He couldn't disappoint Jake.
He watched the snowmen for a little while. They didn't turn their heads even slightly in his direction.
He could probably just kick them apart if he-
Clacking footsteps came from the left. They sounded like they belonged to something with too many legs.
Finn quickly looked through his backpack, and found a couple of knives under his quilt. He held them up and jumped into the air, shoving the knives in the wall at the top of his jump.
He clung to the wall as well as he could, as a giant ice centipede with cannons attached to its segments rumbled past. It didn't look up.
He definitely didn't want to fight that thing. It was never a good idea to mess with heavy artillery, at least without Jake.
The ice centipede passed by, but Finn stayed on the wall. He'd figured out how to continue his stealth run.
He pulled one of the knives out of the wall, twisted around, and stuck it in a bit closer to the door. If he kept his legs up, and the snowmen were dumb enough not to look at the ceiling, he could get in without attracting any attention.
Finn was more sure than ever that the Ice King was evil. Why else would he have so many guards? He and Jake didn't have any guards, except maybe BMO, and BMO didn't really count.
He'd nearly got to the doorway when one of the knives slipped, raining shards of ice onto the guards. Finn barely suppressed a yell.
One of the guards brushed off the ice, looking annoyed. The other didn't react at all.
Finn sighed with relief, and swung himself into the room.
He'd hit the jackpot. This room was full of junk! Some of it was overflowing from boxes, some of it was scattered over desks and tables, and some of it was just piled up on the floor. Finn couldn't tell what any of it was for, but the Ice King was obviously a very twisted individual.
He picked a trumpet up from the closest desk. It was frosty and warped from the cold, and the buttons didn't press. "Weird." The Ice King probably needed it for some dark ritual.
He put it down again.
The next thing he picked up was a box of playing cards. Finn flipped through them, and at first they seemed normal, until he realised that they'd all been sorted by rank and suit.
What kind of twisted mind would do such a thing?
Finn took a piece of paper from the desk at random, which turned out to be a photograph of a young, dark haired boy standing on a swing. It almost looked like another human, but that was impossible. Wasn't it? Did the Ice King have another human trapped in here? Maybe he collected humans!
Sick.
"Finn! What are you doing in here?!"
Finn jumped. The Ice King had found him! "Ice King!" he yelled, turning around. "Give it up!"
One look at the angry expression on the Ice King's face told Finn that he was in the right room. The Ice King grabbed him by the arm and tried to pull Finn away.
Finn jerked out of his grip. "I knew you were hiding something! You better tell me what you're planning, Ice King, or I'm gonna... I'm gonna..." He waved his fists. "I'm gonna beat the guts out of you!"
"Finn-" began the Ice King, then ducked out of the way as Finn lunged at him. "Finn, listen!"
Finn didn't want to listen. He wanted to punch a wizard and force him to confess to his misdeeds. He jumped on the table and accidentally kicked the trumpet to the floor, where it slid across the room with an ugly screeching noise.
"Ooh..." murmured the Ice King. He turned and reached for the trumpet.
Finn saw his opening and lunged at him while his back was turned.
Without looking around, the Ice King shot a small bolt of magic over his shoulder. "Zap."
Finn found himself encased in ice up to his neck. "Oh, what?" He didn't know the Ice King could do that! How powerful was he, anyway?
"Sorry, Finn," said the Ice King, pushing Finn out of the room. "I just... I don't want you in there, okay?"
"No, it's not okay!" Finn yelled. The Ice King wasn't even taking him seriously! He was a hero, and the Ice King was a villain. Villains were supposed to oppose heroes, not just tell them to leave. "You have some human boy prisoner in here, don't you?"
The Ice King looked genuinely confused. "What?" He stopped pushing Finn for a second and straightened up. "I need a magic back," he mumbled to himself. More loudly, he added "It's my... my keepsakes room. There's nothing in there worth rescuing." He had a bit of a chuckle in his voice now.
"Oh yeah?" said Finn. "Then who was in the photo?" The Ice King wouldn't have a photograph of some random human unless it meant something to him. Probably something evil.
The Ice King stopped pushing him for a second, then continued. "That's not important. Listen, Finn, you can't go searching through other people's homes. How would you like it if I broke into your home and looked at all your belongings?"
"That's different!" yelled Finn, as the Ice King finished pushing out into the hall. "I'm not all evil and junk!" Evil people had a right to privacy, he guessed, except where evil plans were concerned. You could hide things all you wanted as long as you weren't hurting anyone.
The Ice King raised his hands above his head like he was going to zap him. "I'm not-!" He visibly calmed himself down. "I'm not evil. Why do you think I'm evil?"
"Well..." Because he was evil. No, that wasn't good enough. Because... He was old and weird and he'd just trapped Finn in ice? "If you're not evil, what's with all the ice monsters?" He pointed at the snowmen, which were still staring straight ahead.
"Because I don't want people snooping... looking through my things," said the Ice King. He waved his hand in the doorway. "Ice locks aren't very... sturdy."
That did make some sense. Princess Bubblegum had guards too, and she was the exact opposite of evil. But Finn didn't need to justify himself to some evil old ice wizard.
"Listen, I'll let you out of the ice if you promise not to attack me again," said the Ice King.
"Never!" yelled Finn. He struggled against ice, but it was too tight to break out of.
"Okay..." said the Ice King. He looked down the hall. "Uh... Listen. You just want to help people and fight evil. I get it."
"How do you even know that?" said Finn. He'd never told the Ice King that he was a hero.
"You're making quite a name for yourself around here," said the Ice King. "And... Jake told me."
Jake was so naive sometimes. Trusting someone like the Ice King. Though it was weird that the Ice King hadn't just tried to kill Finn yet. He had him at his mercy, and he was just... talking.
"I promise I'm not going to hurt anyone," continued the Ice King, putting a hand over where his heart would be if he had one. "Would... would you feel better if I told you my weak spot?"
"Weak spot?" said Finn. Why would the Ice King tell him something like that? He was either suicidal, or...
The Ice King pointed to his crown. "This crown has all my powers in it. I can't do any magic without it." He called some magic into his right hand, and took his crown off with his right.
The magic went out like an electric light bulb.
Also the Ice King was balding.
"So if you do something evil, then I can just knock your crown off!" said Finn. Or get Jake to do it. Jake had a longer reach than Finn.
"Do you feel safer now?" said the Ice King.
He put the crown back on, and the ice around Finn melted away. Finn told himself that he should knock the crown off to make sure was a real weakness, but he didn't want to yet, and not just because the Ice King would be expecting it The possibility that the Ice King was telling the truth was beginning to occur to him. He didn't like it, but he hadn't actually seen the Ice King do anything evil. Yet.
"I've got my eye on you, Ice King," said Finn. "But, uh... if you really are good... Sorry for... Sorry for snooping in your private biz." He still didn't really believe him. But just in case. Snooping through an innocent old man's stuff was not heroic behaviour at all.
The Ice King patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay. You just need to refine your approach, that's all. Let's go back up to the living room, and I'll reheat your hot cocoa."
"How do you heat things up in here, anyway?" said Finn, making sure he was within crown-knocking range.
The Ice King raised his hands and said "With magic, of course!"